Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 7 July 2010
Lohan On The Move
Lindsay Lohan is going to jail for 90 days. She shed some tears but then led the police on a slow chase through clothing stores. She says she hasn't got a thing to wear for "jail".
Kentucky evening was beautiful this day. Sunny all day and 70 this evening. Just like Ringo.
Now We're Green Too
Although New York City has gone green and uses low-emission cabs, most passengers are now requesting low-emission cab drivers.
Az. Hangs Tough
Earlier today, the Arizona Governor unveiled her even tougher new immigration policy. Barack Obama has been ordered back to hometown in Kenya.
Raoul's Family Play Hide n Seek!
Raoul Moat's twin brother has left a trail of false leads in Northumbria and is enjoying the sun in his hometown near Under Milk Wood.
Judge in Lindsay Lohan Case Says, "No hard feelings" regarding Lohan's "f#ck u" nail polish....
...then proceeds to work Lindsay over with a strap-on during sentencing phase while screaming," Now THAT'S a hard feeling, bitch!"
Sugar's Bad For You!
San Francisco releases regulations for pot brownies. Cannot have too much sugar.
Doesn't Sound Good
Obama to Bypass Senate to Name New Medicare Czar. Says he wants an "expert on rationing!"
King Saves Scientist's Ass!
An old X-Ray of Larry King was found somewhere and wound up in the hands of archaeologists. But before they embarrassed themselves with their 2,000-year-old find, King came & took it.
Really Hot In New York!
It was so hot in New York City today that several teens were arrested for sticking a fork in a wino's ass in the alley and turning him over.
LiLo Upset, Gets Help
After her jail sentence of 90 days was announced yesterday, Lindsay Lohan was upset with all the Paparazzi. At one point Hugh Grant handed her a tupperware bowl of baked beans to throw at them.
Who Can Blame Them
Astronomers now say that "earth-like" planet, with an atmosphere that could sustain life, nearly 120 trillion miles away from us out in deep space, now has a "LEAVE US ALONE!" sin on it.
I Always Feel Ballons Afterwards
The FDA says there's no evidence that marijuana treats any disease. They don't get it. Marijuana is a disease preventative!
Johnny Depp to release fitness DVD
Johnny Depp is to release a fitness DVD......' Pilates in the Caribbean'.
How Low Can You Go?
There's a new bar sport going around down south. It's called, "The Bimbo Limbo!"
No More Limbo
The Pope has officially gotten rid of limbo. "It's bad enough getting in and out of the popemobile, let alone leaning backwards under a stick!"
Miller Faces Accusations
The Miller Brewing Company is being accused of creating a new alcoholic drink designed to appeal to underage drinkers. It's called, Vampire Piss!
You Trying To Kill Sea Turtles, Man?
In San Francisco this morning a man was arrested for quickly dumping a bag of marijuana. No charges over the pot. It was over the bag being plastic.
More Newspapers To Fold
Economists say that ten more major newspapers may fold before the end of the year. Why? One held up a copy of The Post front page, "Obama Wins Presidency!"
Baseball Player Salaries Jump Again
George Steinbrenner says that the cost of hiring baseball players has been even higher than he can afford, "especially with the recent cost jump in steroids."
New Heat Records Today
More heat records set. It was so hot today that Lindsay Lohan says she's looking forward to going into the cooler.
Don't Forget Us!
With all the latest benefits from coffee reported over the past few weeks, Starbucks say they should be included on Obama's Health Care Plan.
"I Not Weird!"
According to Men's Health magazine, 1 out of 5 grown adult men still watch Saturday morning cartoons every week. "See!", says Kim of NKorea!
27,000 Abandoned Wells
Gulf awash in 27,000 abandoned wells. This much earth moving could trigger New Madrid Fault causing huge earthquake, Warn Experts!!! Or, maybe not.
US: NYC subway bomb plot linked to British cell. Apparently they dug out of their cell and made their way here through Mexico.
Big Spy Swap
Russian spy claims swap in works for spies in US and China. A three way trade is in the offering for 24 spies and a annoying person to be named later.
Lady Godiva (Born Again Virgin) has started talking to herself
One of my articles has over 300 &^%$g views and not even ONE STAR. What do I have to do, stand naked in Morrisons window? I've even left myself a comment coz nobody else has.I'm talking to myself now.
Genuis Caught On Camera
Woman disguises huge ass with the top of her pants having buckles & strap hanging down.
Threatened Terrorist Arrest
Terror arrest threat for rail passenger who took photos on train to prove overcrowding. "If we say it's not overcrowded, it's not overcrowded!"
BBC Faked Documentary
BBC faked housing estate documentary with scenes of prowling hoodies from an area ... three miles away. They were caught after viewers kept seeing same faces in different locations.
There's Always A New One
Web supermarket war as Amazon launches internet grocery store. Still another way to get fat.
Moscow 'offers former Russian colonel and nuclear expert to U.S. in Cold War-style spy swap to bring Anna Chapman home'. She is to see Putin, immediately!
Drunk Lady Crashes Liquor Store
Lady crashes into liquor store twice. After second time, police admit she was drunk.
Swing Voters Avoiding Obama
Swing voters shun Democrats. Admit that Al Gore never really was much of a swinger.
Amongs Fouled His Own Balls
Baseball fan 'lucky to be alive' after falling 30 feet trying to catch a foul ball.
Pole- dancing club forced to close.
The owner of a proposed pole-dancing club in Dudley was forced to abandon his plans, when he could not find sufficient Polish dancers.
Both Relying On Theories
'Climategate' scientists mostly cleared. Still no major evidence on global warming either way.
Levi Johnston Blames Clinton for the Lies He said about the Pallins
Levi Johnston blames Bill Clinton for the lies he said about the Pallins. He also denies seeking more media attention, but did ask for a 15 Minutes of Fame do over.
New lead on location of Raoul Moat.
Police are now working on a new lead that 'Raoul Moat' is not the fugitive's name, but an anagram of his whereabouts.
My name is RONALD, claims Raoul Moat
Claims made that Moat's anger stems from the fact that his father could not spell 'Ronald' when registering his birth.
Classifieds - Fire Guard
For sale 1 fire guard, never sleeps, he won't let anybody near your fire. Unwanted relative, hence £45
A Chicken Joke
A Taxpayer voting for Barack Obama is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders.
More UFO Data To Be Released
ET, phone Brussels: EU calls for opening UFO data. Aliens Object!
Now They're Against Alternative Energy
A national environmental group says three of its members who blocked the entrance to a western Maine wind power construction site have been arrested. "No way of pleasing these people", says officer.
Japan court convicts NZ anti-whaling activist. Sent to ten years of swabbing decks.
Kill The Messenger?
Toyota adding more time to new vehicle development in order to decreased demand. Fire those finding mistakes.
World Markets Down!
World stock markets fall despite Wall Street gains. Refuse to allow Americans to set the pace, especially the French!
Another Stamp Raise
Stamp prices going up again - 46-cent rate asked. Anothe million people switches to pay online.
Another Advisory Council Employed
Obama naming 35 to advisory council on imports, three more Czars.
Be Seeing You Soon!
Lindsay Lohan may sue court officer who wiggled eyebrows at her at yesterday's hearing. Told that was the jailer.
Kagan Great Fundraiser
At Harvard Law, Kagan was fundraiser in chief. Should help bail out of Supreme Court debts, say supporters, as every government agency needs someone to clear out debt.
More Gov. Hirings
Obama naming 18 to advisory council on exports. Government hirings now 95% of total in past year.
"Here Comes Your 19th Nervous Breakdown"
Manson follower once again denied parole, for 19th time!
It's That Special Time Of Year
Ole! Running of the bulls begins in Spain, 27 hurt, 204 dead the first day.
BP Checking With Partners
BP's Hayward flies to Mideast to meet 'partners' in Iran, Syria.
Solar Flares Throwing Off Targets?
NATO airstrike accidentally hits the airport from where it took off!
More Military Dances
Dance fever sweeping through Israeli military. President Obama learns to do the Hora during Netanyahu.
"Hey, I Cracked A Tooth!"
McDonald's fryer cook double fries everything on last day before entering Dentist schooling.
FEMA: N.O. Settlements More Than Half Through
Deadline to file for FEMA funds Monday! Attention all residence of New Orleans!
Lohan: What's Jail?
Lohan's future on hold until jail, rehab are done. May wear rainbow wig in protest.
Spy Versus Spy
Russia seeks spy swap for agents in U.S: lawyer. Al Gore: "Don't trade that redhead!"
Israel: We're Not Leaving, Ever
Analysis: A critical US-Israel issue is left open. "Israel has a right to exist, but where?"
Linger Vetoes Bill
Hawaii Governor Lingle vetoes civil-unions bill. Is Lingle single?
New Chief Instead of Czar
Obama bypassing Senate for new Medicare Chief, "Medicine Man, Running Bear".
East Coast states brace for yet another scorcher, hoping it ends before the oil slick comes.
Solar Flares Shake Solar Plane
Solar plane sets out on historic flight. Solar flares has it jumping like crazy.
Solar Plane Out
Solar plane sets out on historic flight. Hopes to land before sunset.
More Good News
AP IMPACT: Gulf awash in 27,000 abandoned wells. Could easily trigger earthquake and Tsunami.
High Pay At White House
Who gets paid what in the Obama White House? Surprisingly, one of the best paid is Mrs. Robinson, Michelle's mother, to keep her mouth shut.
Mullahs Comeback Foreseen
Dance fever sweeping through Israeli military. First the US, now Israel, maybe the Dancing Mullahs will make a comeback.
No Help From Washington
Feds vs. state again in suit against Arizona law. If Feds did their jobs, states wouldn't have to.
Oil Slicks Galore
This time it's oil trouble for Lake Pontchartrain. Is the Mississippi next?
One Reason We're Disliked
NATO airstrike accidentally kills 5 Afghan troops, for the tenth day in a row. Some planning suggested here.
BOJO worried by gay asylum seekers ruling
London Mayor, Boris Johnson said of the Supreme Court ruling that gay asylum seekers won't be sent back to homophobic countries, "Ye Gods! There'll be a huge swelling through Britain's back doors."
Gordon Brown's Aide
Reporter Inchcock, met with G Brown's aide today, to find some snippets about him, but G Brown came into the room as he was about to reveal them. The aide said, not to worry, I'll spell it out to you!
Gordon Brown at Academy
It's been reported that Gordon Brown is now attending the Mental Science Academy. When asked "What is he studying?", his aide said "Nothing, they are studying him!"
Lindsay Lohan Nominated for Daytime Emmy
Lindsay Lohan nominated for a Daytime Emmy for her performance at her pre-sentencing of a piece entitled, "I just wanted to say that as far as I knew I was being in compliant with, um, my program."
Lindsay Lohan Going to Jail!
Lindsay Lohan will be spending a lot of time with women who will take advantage of her, try to get her to do drugs and possess contraband. And, after her going away party, she's going to jail.
Wall Street Reform is Working
Even though Wall Street reform is not law yet, it has achieved campaign finance reform. The Democratic fundraisers are not receiving any money from bankers, financiers and hedge fund brokers.
Immigrants to America have brought perogies, bagels & kielbasa with them. Some new immigrants are bringing kabobs & advocating terrorism. Only kabobs will be allowed through the golden door!
HASA Thanks NASA
The Hamas Space Agency (HASA) thanked the NASA administrator for his "feel good" words of support. HASA promised to put a homicide bomber on the moon in 10 years.
Elvis has left the Building
Police are currently investigating the theft of a seven foot-high statue of Elvis from the roof of a diner located in Maryland!
Attorney General Files Lawsuit
AG Eric Holder expected to retire to a villa in Acapulco Mexico if the DOJ lawsuit against Arizona is successful. If the lawsuit is lost the AG will be indicted in Arizona for impersonating a lawman!
Working in the Dark Anyway
Republicans propose a bill mandating burqa-style veils for all Democratic far left liberals. Democrats can't see what they are doing, don't know where they are going and are bankrupting the USA!
The Obama administration is dysfunctional. Not surprisingly, the word Obama in Hawaiian means: over his head; befuddled; arrogant; mystified; and at a loss.
Illiteracy Spreading in Government
Congress showed it didn't know how to read when health care was voted on. Now the DOJ lawyers don't know how to read civil rights indictments. In Nov. Americans will read Democrats the "riot act."
Lohan To Jail?
Lindsay Lohan got sentenced to 90 days in jail on her 7th appearance...to be served withing the next few weeks. Maybe by then she can come up with a new nickname. LiLo might not do so well there.
Even Thirty Would Tie!
Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to serve 90 days in jail. If she actually serves half of those, she sets a new L.A. record for the longest time a celebrity has ever spent in jail.
Fireworks mishap scares spectators as 50-foot crater left where fireman had just ran out. No one injured badly but all six have tinnitus, learning to read lips.
Clinton Still Overseas
Clinton arrives in Georgia...on the Midnight Train!
Blimp Watches Seashore
Blimp to help track oil slick as 450-pound man sets out across the Gulf State beaches.
Lady Gaga Complains
Track star can race again -- as a woman. "Shouldn't be allowed", says Lady Gaga!
Biden Speaks Out!
Biden makes bold prediction! "Cubs to finally win the series this year!"
Oil cleanup official optimistic! "We might just survive this mess!"
Sawyer Apologizes To Kids
Diane Sawyer apologizes for misspoken "Big Bird" dying last week. "It was Senator Byrd" children."
LiLo In Court For 7th Time
Lindsay Lohan in court. Judge: "I think I have a headache. Maybe you can be back next Tuesday! 90 days!"
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