Spoof news snippets from Monday 5 July 2010
Senator Byrd was laid to rest wearing one of his favorite old uniforms, a white sheet.
Mother-Of-All Oil Simmers Here!
The giant oil-skimming ship has arrived in the Gulf of Mexico and began work until thirty minutes ago, when it began to leak.
Could Be Pirates
Russian Ship once again overshoots Space Station. Space station returns fire.
Hard Time Getting Him Off
CNN has finally given the final reason that they are retiring Larry King. "He has Suspender's Disease where, if you catch it, you can never get off again."
Depression Leads To Other Problems
Depression may raise risk of dementia and the thoughts of being a chicken, says eggsperts.
Hot In Washington
People say it was so hot in Washington DC this morning that you had to be careful not to step on any seeds from the watermelon that Lincoln was eating.
Winehouse Going To The Dogs
Amy Winehouse have bought a huge dog she has been walking around New York's Central Park area. It could belong to a friend. It has this big jacket on from Yves St. Bernard
She's Slipping Something Past The Buzzer
Lindsay Lohan back in the news still again. Apparently she called Triple A last night to get her car started because her house key wouldn't go in.
All On Their Own
Britney says she is getting rid of tattoos of several of old her lover's names from her but cheeks. She states that she's pretty well worn them off and won't need to have them removed.
Hillary For Prez Again?
Hillary Clinton says she may leave as Sec. of State & run again for President. She says that she's gotten hundreds of calls saying hit the road & meet the people. Of course half have been from Bill.
Silicon building blocks found in Einstein's brain
A study released today found glial cells in Albert Einstein's brain contain silicon-based DNA. Scientists are puzzled why something deemed pure science fiction would be found in the genius' mind.
Max Really Depressed
Max, Michael Jackson's second chimp has been even more depressed lately say keepers. "All he does is hang around the monkey bars. He hasn't played with himself in weeks."
Max, Michael Jackson's second chimp has been depressed lately say keepers. "He doesn't even fling poo anymore, he sort of tosses it underhand", says keeper.
Polls Not Hurting President Obama's Golf Game
With falling poll numbers, President Obama's golf game is actually improving.
Iranian planes refused fuel in Europe, so what, they fly home on their flying carpets!
Iranian passengers stranded without fuel at major European airports have been issued with flying carpets, a copy of the Koran and a stiff west-east breeze from the "Great One"!
Minorities protected effectively during protests against oil price hike in India
Owners of hybrid vehicles and electric cars were alloted special police protection during the nationwide protests against the rising price of oil in India. Click here for full story.
Al Gore Has Heart Attack
Town angry with Al Gore's treatment of Tipper may quit recycling and dump everything including medical waste into a big hole that coal company left in the middle of the night without reclaiming.
Then, Six Months Later...
(Place Hollywood Celeb's Name Here) says "she and her new husband are happier than they have ever been and expect a long loving marriage."
Madman Makes Demands from inside pet shop.
"I want a bacon sandwich, a cup of tea and some dog shit bags, or the goldfish gets boiled"!
Divorce That Hadn't Happened Yet, Overthrown
Appeals Court throws out Gore divorce filing. Gore spelled his name "Bore" on original papers.
Obama Addresses Immigration
Obama Finally Addresses Immigration Issue! "Only after passing a democrat test..a democratic test."
Alexander Graham Bell End
Alexander Graham Bell Park,Edinburgh, is to close. Among the favourite rides were the Twisty-wire thingy, Bakelite cup'n'saucer and the Ahoy there dodgem-cars. Bell is famous for work with the deaf
Santa badly injured in sandlot baseball game while sliding spikes high into third base but forgetting about third baseman, Blitzer's horns!
Skimmer Test Delayed
Choppy seas hamper oil skimmer test. What next? Too many fish hovering around oil skimmer? Only driver has the runs? Captain goes to sleep, skims beach?
Nothing To Worry About
MORTAR FIRE HITS U.S. EMBASSY AS JOE BIDEN TALKS OF PROGRESS.
"Just fireworks for the 4th, Sir!"
Another Tough Year
YEAR 9: Petraeus in Afghanistan warns of tough mission for ninth year in a row.
We're At It Again
The Dow Jones Averages is repeating a pattern that appeared just before markets fell during the Great Depression, Daryl Guppy, at Guppytraders.com, told CNBC Monday. "Leaking money like an oil well!"
BP find the end of a rainbow after their environmental disaster!
BP love their Gulf disaster and are now entertaining potential multi-billion investements from the middle east and Asia, any disaster is a good disaster and BP certainly handled this one superbly!
110 Degrees At Yankee Stadium
Thermometer at Yankee Stadium hit 110 as third baseman really in the hot corner today.
Teachers Being Laid Off!
Teachers' Union Shuns Obama Aides at Convention! "Go tell you boss not to expect any November votes from here", says spokesperson.
Documents show that Fish & Wildlife Service went along with conclusion that deepwater oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico posed no significant risk to wildlife. Dummies in DC, BP & F&WF! Strike Three!
Had A Crush On Manager
Two Sumo wrestlers recently suspended accused of lap-dancing manager to death.
Sumo Figures Barred
Sumo Figures Barred in Japan for Gambling! "They were betting on who could become the fattest", says investigator.
China Chief Polluter
Experts worry that as China's 1.3 billion people clamor for more cars and creature comforts, international efforts to limit global warming could be doomed. "We'll drive you nuts", state leader.
No Ones Reads History Anymore
Pakistan Army Finds Taliban Tough to Root Out! Russia found that out, 30 years ago!
Revolution Getting Closer?
Once-Dominant Party in Mexico Seems Resurgent, The Citizen Revolutionary Party, to wipe out drug gangs in final war.
Arizona to the other 49 states, "Better wake up!"
U.S Government warn consumers that those latest e-mails from Nigeria offering to teach you haw to levitate for only $5,000 are bogus.
Hollywood Funeral Director
Retired funeral director in Hollywood reveals that Don Knotts (Barney Fife) only had two toes left on his right foot from accidentally firing pistol while in holder.
Former molester celibates tenth year of being chemically castrated.
Plan Fails Again
Locally, "Just one more little bitty chocolate from the box" plan goes out the window.
WMRU: Weather update! Hail the size of dog balls have been reported near the Animal Hospital north of the town!
Greece are saved!
Greece has been saved from bankruptcy as Prince Philip is donating his stuffed bear collection to their cause; so far it has raised 1.2 billion in fur alone.
Nick Griffin Meets the Queen
Nick Griffin, leader of the BNP is to meet Queen Elizabeth II. He said: "I admire the Germans."
G-20 Conference Finally Over
At G-20 Conference, several nations vow to promote global role on Global Warming. Al Gore shows up in sackcloth & ashes!
New Penis Study
Scientists checking into penis problems of older Americans say that things are really looking up!.
Healthy Sports Snack
The Surgeon General has determined that "Sugar-dried prunes" are a safe snack during running events. "Could even make you run faster."
Obama Numbers Shrink Again
President Obama's approval numbers now down to 41% among US population, 25% at home due to kid wanting to go to Disney World over July 4th weekend.
General Patraeus Gives Spech On Geneal Realities
General Petraeus might agree to troop pull-out date but will not disclose date for bombing Iran nuclear facilities.
Hamas Has 'Neat" Summer Camp!
Rival Hamas, UN summer camps still competing over children. Hamas has advantage as they illustrate on dummy how to severe a head.
Debt Clock Jumps Ahead
Although Doomsday Clock still three minutes until midnight, National Debt Clock now ten minutes after.
Sumo Wrestling Plotted
Scandal: Japanese Sumo Wrestling Matches have plots that are written out in advance. Mostly just get in there and push and grunt. Easy money, all you can eat.
New Weight Study
Estimate: Nearly one billion now overweight, nearly 250 million obese, thirteen beyond description.
But Most On Computers
Nielsen study: Average American home has four TV's, 250 TV channels, one book, 2 magazines, one of which is a TV Guide.
Sounds Like It's Fixed
Roman Polanski hearing coming up. Looks good for Polanski as prosecutors in the case are force to wear Groucho Marx masks and whirling beanies.
Poland Releases UFO Files
Poland now releases all it's UFO files. Classifieds under "Polish-Sausage Shaped Objects' the largest. Most 'Bigfoots' turned out to be ordinary average men & women.
Russia Claims Icebergs
Russia claims that icebergs close to North Pole belong to them. Could be handy if there's a worldwide water shortage.
Compare Against US, Britain Recent Releases
Leaders on Titan say they may open up all their UFO accounts this coming week.
President Obama: Criticism of the way I handle oil slick, questioning why I received a Nobel Prize emboldens our enemies.
See How You Like It!
Having had enough, Native American tribes sue to have burial ground in Central Park.
Cat Out Of The Bag
President Obama's Mother-In-Law selling momentoes on eBay of Obama's babyhood in Kenya after finding hidden cache.
Not A Bad Limp
'Twilight' falls sharply but limps in to the sound of $161M.
Obama Holiday Extension
Obama celebrates July 4th at White House barbecue. Plans to spend next two days aboard BP CEO's yacht!
Rest & Relax
Obama celebrates July 4th at White House barbecue, cherry bomb in mother-in-law's cake.
We'll Win It This Time
Petraeus takes over Afghan fight, vows 'to win' it. Just like four years ago.
First Malls, Airports, Now Cities All Look Alike
Different no more, suburban life is turning serious as every area just outside center of a city beginning to all look alike.
Can't Eat Oil, Money
UN food agency: Niger now an 'emergency operation' Weird weather could eventually bring in most nations.
Kangaro Court Gives US Citizen 8 years
Chinese court sentences US geologist to 8 years. After torture, he agrees to every crime in past two years.
Need For Modern Earp Family
Mexico's drug war heats up near Arizona border. Several US guards request burial at near-by Boot Hill should they get hit.
Border Wars Spread
Mexico's drug war heats up near Arizona border as bullets being ducked all the way to Tuscon.
Toyotas Becoming Edsels
Troubled Toyota recalls about 92,000 cars in Japan. Many more later in the US, this time over new engine problems..which they still deny but will fix just to keep sales going.
Hit At Home This Time
Troubled Toyota recalls about 92,000 cars in Japan. Seems the cars suddenly speed up on their own.
BP Clean-Up Costs
BP costs for oil spill response pass $3 billion. "That's only a drop in the bucket", Obama tells them.
Rare! Facebook updates from Revolutionary War.
We're just about to invade a Canadian town called Sandwich. Hope we invade the towns of Free Hookers and Inexpensive Whiskey next!
Beautiful Garden State News: Burlington City
Burlington City: The City continues to be divided; the north side continues to be a Section 8 mecca, while the south side is inhabited by people in million dollar homes to afraid to walk the streets.
Beautiful Garden State News: Burlington Township
Burlington: Senator Diane Allen celebrates what brought her to politics: "It's been 25 years since WCAU decided I was too fat to be a news anchor, because my head wouldn't fit on screen.
NickFun Returns With Snippet
After swearing to never write for The Spoof again, Spoof writer NickFun posted an impromptu snippet on the site this afternoon. "I just want to express appreciation to" -- damned, I'm out of space.
Seattle rain threatens holiday fireworks
Public donations may have saved this year's Seattle July 4 fireworks, but heavy rains may put a damper on tonight's Lake Union festivities.
I Think I'd Move!
Some people who live along the Gulf Coast now finding sea water in their car's oil.
Did My Best
Former president George W. Bush says that he had no idea the wetlands he agreed to protect might need to be protected from oily sea water.
You're All Strange To Us!
Hermaphrodites split on the question of same-sex marriages.
Just A Few Days
President Obama says that he might have to shut down the internet at any time for maintenance.
Students To Get Help
Before break, U.S. Senate agreed to do something about US student's math scores. The final vote was 85-22.
Dollar Falls Again
The dollar falls once again. This time against Bernie Madoff's IOU's.
Going into this year's fall elections, most Hollywood stars expected to vote along party lines.
Simple Debate Goes Bad
Los Angeles gangland debate turns ugly. "Trouble is always where you least expect it", complains police officer.
Masseuse who accused Al Gore of sexual attack resigns over the scandal. "I'll never live down being that close to old Frankenstein."
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