Spoof news snippets from Saturday 31 July 2010
Chelsea Clinton To Marry Banker Wanker!
Following her failure to "land" Chelsea's John Terry, Chelsea Clinton has returned to former lover Marc Mezvkinsky, one of the investment wankers that brought the UK to its knees circa 2009.
Defense System Changed
President Barack Obama has announced a major overhaul of the the US missile defense system, which will no longer cover Arizona.
France Cracks Down
France's Sarkozy cracks down on crime and immigrants. "Bring On It!" says French leader.
The Green One Right?
Obama lies about not knowing who Snooki is? "Even I know the Teletubbies", says George Bush.
Obama: Time for Rangel, after all the criminal type charges, to end career "with dignity"
Thought It Tasted Funny
Post Mills Cereals has issued a recall of their cereal, "Cream Of Pete".
New Jesse Ventura Book
Former wrestler and Minnesota Governor, Jesse Ventura, has put out a new book about Conspiracy Theories and clears them up by telling his own conspiracy theories.
Tokyo's Oldest Living Man Found Dead
Tokyo's oldest living man, Pong Ping, was found dead today - he died 30 years ago. His Landlady said "There has definitely been a Ping Pong around here since 1980."
Tokyo's Oldest Living Man Found Dead
Tokyo's oldest living man was found dead today - he died 30 years ago. It's a good job he was not a dog otherwise it would have been 210 years too late!
Three-Legged Man Arrested
French say they may have discovered the "Body Part Killer" after arresting man waiting for bus who had three legs. He claimed he was a circus freak. They told him he was just a freak.
It'll Be Clost!
In a debate this fall, Sarah Palin will challenge former President Bush for who can invite the most new words in one hour.
Leading Pet Name
The most popular name for a pet in 2010? It's "Snooki"!
Studies Killing People?
Calcium supplements linked to heart attacks: study. Studies ordered to stop by President, before they kill anybody else. First study to kill people in years.
Griffith Promotes Health Care
Andy Griffith's new role: pitching health care law. "Obama's new plan even covers getting hit by a rock thrown by Ernest T. Bass."
Now It's Opie
Andy Griffith's new role: pitching health care law. "And I said 'No Sir, it's the truth. Opie has done gone bald-headed!"
Andy Griffith's new role: pitching health care law. "After dialing 911, I told them, "Barney has shot clear through hid foot."
Has These Fits
Andy Griffith's new role: pitching health care law. "So I told them, Gomer has swallowed his tongue again!"
Floyd Was Pink!
Andy Griffith's new role: pitching health care law. "So I told 911 that Floyd had a fever. Then I told them Floyd was getting Pink. That's when they hung up."
Andy Griffith's new role: pitching health care law. "You see, Aunt Bee has the clap!"
Obama Health Care
Andy Griffith's new role: pitching health care law: "Goober's developed a peanut allergy!"
Andy's New Role
Andy Griffith's new role: pitching health care law. "You all see, Otis needs a new liver!"
Slow-Food Restaurants Slowly Popping Up!
New 'Slow Food' Restaurant worker wants to know if you'd like the crock pot special of the day.
The big day: Chelsea Clinton to be bred in upstate New York. Sorry, that should be "wed".
Benefits for workers may be scrapped altogether in welfare revolution. Instead, each will receive a higher salary. So keep fit & save!
Counterfeiters Turn From Money
Food prices to soar 10% in time for the New Year. Counterfeiters starting to produce smaller price tickets.
Born With A Purpose
My duty is to save the world: Prince Charles believes he was born for a purpose. Queen: "When do you plan to start?"
How About Everybody Else?
My duty is to save the world: Prince Charles believes he was born for a purpose. "I'll find it, yet!"
Even More Radical
We're more radical than Thatcher or Blair, claims top Tory Francis Maude. You will shape up or be shipped out!"
Ford's New Fuel
New Ford car runs on static electricity as long as passengers wear sweaters, comb hair after pulling over every 50 miles.
So has the great BP environmental disaster in the Gulf of Mexico been over-hyped? Not by we who are about to die from it!
Southern States Looking For Another Robert E. Lee
Sarkozy: Strip criminals of French nationality. Arkansas Governor: Ours has no US Nationality to begin with.
Mayberry Needed It Years Ago.
Andy Griffith's new role on approving health care. Doctor Phil to repute it.
Washington Vs. States
PAPER: Will Washington's Failures Lead To Second American Revolution? States preparing local militia.
Code Red: Al Gore Released
Oregon officials close investigation of Gore after everybody in the room trying to get him to quit crying.
Acme's "The Bed Mill" will drop all infomercials after letters from customers who said that didn't lose weight.
Montag Files For Divorce
Heidi Montag files for divorce from Spencer Pratt after 15 month old marriage. And they said it wouldn't last!
Most: We Need More Testing!
DC pushes female condoms to fight HIV epidemic as 10,000 male volunteer condom pushers show up for 12 volunteers asked for in ads.
Chicken producers debate 'natural' label. Plus "free range" doesn't mean you cooked them on a stove top.
Chicken producers debate 'natural' label. "They just naturally crowd up like that when you place ten in a small cage."
Adult Industry Picks Up
Adult industry sees iPorn potential in new phone. So that was what all that shooting into the air and cheering was about last night!
FBI Knows All About You!
FBI access to e-mail, Web data raises privacy fear. Let's see: The FBI are a bunch of idiots accepting payoffs from...excuse me, there's someone at the door.
FBI Access E-Mails
FBI access to e-mail, Web data raises privacy fear. Most are asking, "What privacy?".
Michigan Oil Spill
Cleanup of Mich. river oil spill will take months, possibly years if clean up workers can stretch it out a bit.
Obama Cries Over SBA Bill
Obama cries GOP over small business lending bill. Whoops! That should have been 'decries'.
Healt Care Delay
Paperwork nightmare: A struggle to fix new law could cause delay. Beginning to sound like BP excuses.
Time To Play
House approves oil spill bill; stalled in Senate as both head off for summer six-month vacations.
Gore Wins, Loses
Gore will not be charged over masseuse allegations. However, Tipper ups settlement another ten million.
Rocket Man Down
No it's not Sir Elton John. Israeli airstrike kills senior Hamas rocket maker.
Lost His Way Somehow
NM governor considers pardon for Billy the Kid. California to pardon Jim Jones.
New Report On Health Care
Health care report: 22.3 percent uninsured. 10% out of work, another 10% illegal aliens. 2.3 percent say they are well-stocked with drugs.
Teboe: Bring On The Shots
Broncos rookie Tim Tebow: Bring on the shots. "Of course, I mean tackling, not actual shots."
Snooki of 'Jersey Shore' arrested in NJ beach town for "bothering" people. Why hasn't Congress been arrested?
Al Gore Case Closed
Gore will not be charged over masseuse allegations but agrees to pleads guilty of lesser charge of being stupid.
No Money Left?
Gore will not be charged over masseuse allegations, especially after all the payoffs!
We're Closed! Doc Is Becoming A Lawyer.
Paperwork nightmare: A struggle to fix new health law. Each doctor to receive a copy of 12,786-page booklet.
Paperwork In New Health Care Bill
Paperwork nightmare: A struggle to fix new law as twelve copies of all treatments must be stored in case there's a possible trial later. 10,000 doctors begin packing for other countries.
Just A Few Old Friends, Hillary
The big day: Chelsea Clinton to wed in upstate NY . Lots of Bill's old girlfriends to attend....or else.
Dog Was Behind It All
NM governor considers pardon for Billy the Kid. New York City may pardon David Berkowitz.
Born A Cannibal, What Can You Do?
NM governor considers pardon for Billy the Kid. New York may pardon Albert Fish.
Probably Choking Incident While A Youngster
NM governor considers pardon for Billy the Kid. Massachusetts may pardon the Boston Strangler.
NM governor considers pardon for Billy the Kid. Chicago may pardon Al Capone.
We're All In This Thing Together
NM governor considers pardon for Billy the Kid. Missouri the same with Bonnie & Clyde.
Pair Caught In Frog?
Wealthy Dallas brothers become SEC frog target! I'm sorry, that should be "fraud" target.
Space Rays Under Antartica
Antarctica Experiment Discovers Puzzling Space Ray Pattern! Serious study begins finding out about Space Rays toward earth!
Antarctica Experiment Discovers Puzzling Space Ray Pattern! Scientists at a loss over why hidden under ice.
Antarctica Experiment Discovers Puzzling Space Ray Pattern! Is this where the UFO's go to hide?
Rays From Outer Space
Antarctica Experiment Discovers Puzzling Space Ray Pattern! Are we being zapped by aliens?
Space, The Final Frontier
Antarctica Experiment Discovers Puzzling Space Ray Pattern! "They are only coming from one area of space", say investigators.
The Facebook Data Torrent Debacle: Q&A as all info on Facebook becomes available to everyone.
Debris On Ocean Floor
Debris in relief well sets back work on gusher. "Bonnie left us a little present", says new CEO of BP.
Erhics Panel After Waters
Ethics panel to charge California Rep. Waters as the dominoes continue to fall.
Goldman Sachs Bans Cursing in E-Mails
Oh, they can still rip people off, but they have to do it without uttering bad words.
Get On The Road Again!
Willie Nelson caught "Off The Road Again" in the bushes beside the highway.
New Home Heating Product Debuted
The 'Petrol Pal' will heat a normal house. It looks like a fireplace insert or wood stove. The fuel is sand saturated with crude oil. Purchase fuel or harvest at a nearby oil polluted beach.
Cheney Made Bush Let It Stay
President Obama finally takes down Bill Clinton's "The Suck Stops Here" sign from the Oral Orifice.
Memory Gets Worse
In recorded notes, the 'Good Ole Days' found to be hot, cold, meal-less with outdoor crapping!
Might As Well Enjoy The Trip
Texas man who married Arkansas woman with the world's biggest breasts gets his head hung and stuck until medics arrive. they take turns trying to pull his head back out, but not too hard.
Kansas man who just married the woman with the biggest breasts apparently bounced all the way off the bed twice but kept getting right back on!
Arkansas Man Dead
Arkansas man who married woman with the world's biggest breasts accidentally smothered to death during the night.
I Guess I've Lost IT!
Bored 80-year-old disappointed after a week of greeting UPS delivery men while in the nude.
A Sad Song!
Blues singer announces that his next song will take ten minutes to sing because it always makes him cry for 3-4 minutes.
Ain't No Cure for the Summertime Blues
Actually, there is a cure: 2 pts vodka, 1 pt gin, 1 pt whiskey (single malt if you've got it), 1 pt tequila, 1/8 tsp lime juice, and 1 medium ice cube. Mix and drain over ice cube. Chill. Enjoy.
Reality is Real, Really
New Reality Show goes on site of Real Reality Shows and confirms realness, or exposes when it isn't real.
Federal judge rules Acme Toilet Paper Corp. executive cannot join the Beta Toilet Paper Co. The executive knows Acme's trade secret of "how to make your arse kissing sweet!"
Spain to Ban Bulls
Bullfights will not be banned in Spain but bulls, there was a translation error. Animal rights activists agreed to replace the bull with two people in a bull costume in exchange for saving the bulls!
Where's the Oil?
40 million gallons of crude oil are missing from the spill in the gulf. This may be explained by federal government agency incompetency, environmentalists lying or BP CEO Hayward taking it with him.
Democratic Liberal Far Left Madrassas' Teachings
GOOD: Trashing the Constitution, unions, taxes, wealth redistribution, mandates, & amnesty for illegals. NOT SO GOOD: Corporations, free speech, Wall Street, free enterprise & what Americans desire.
Obama Trashing the Constitution Again
King Obama I is trying to buy 12 million Democratic votes by executive order (amnesty for illegal immigrants). He plans to keep them in the White House basement so Congress doesn't notice!
New Health Care Tax
Federal government advises people with patios that get too hot in the sun and who can't afford a cover to party in the nude. Congress passes a skin tax for the provided vitamin D.
Washington DC Migration
US economy may be stuck, indicated by drop in internal migrations to seek jobs. Republicans are trying to speed up Democratic liberal left Congressmen's migration from Washington DC in November 2010!
My Dog Ate My Homework
Man caught by police in the act of robbing a gas station. The alleged suspect claims racial discrimination, racial profiling, gay bashing and gender bias but not that he is innocent!
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