Spoof news snippets from Friday 30 July 2010
UK Royal And Aristocracy Cuts On The Way!
UK PM David Cameron has announced that he is to rip up the UK Civil List as part of his "Big Society" policy. His bold decision will actually put the UK economy back in the black by 300bn pounds!
Gaga - Boyle Unison On The Cards!
Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta aka Lady Gaga is planning a marriage proposal to Subo aka Susan "the man" Boyle in the next leap year 2012 following the announcement that they are to sing together!
Mel Doing Better
"Songbirds sing cross-species duet. They're definitely the 'good time' birds', says expert. "Just listen to them go at it." We decided to come back when he could get out of the rubber room for awhile.
May On May B Movie Plans!
In order to promote their public and pubic images both Theresa and Teresa May have signed a film contract to produce a "lesbo" fly on the wall film based on their rise to national infamy!
Next Generation ASBOS Maidenhead Bound!
Following her announcement to redefine UK ASBO law Theresa May has agreed to open her front door to rehabilitate and re-educate the afficted, at her home, in Maidenhead. Mr Phil May is not amused.
Lasts For Ten Years
Rumor: Lots of people stocking up on potted meat substitute for whatever happens in 2012, say grocers.
Governors Apparently Need Attention
New Mexico Governor may pardon Billy The Kid. Atlanta to pardon Maj. Gen. William Tecumseh Sherman.
Omama Off Center Stage?
Aides seek to downsize Obama's exposure. "He'll get every one of us kicked out", says unnamed Democrat.
Palin To Run?
Gingrich expects Palin to run in 2012. Most think she's running in 2010!
Andy Griffith's new role: pitching health care law. Andy Griffith, always the comedian.
Detergent company puts GPS into product to track consumers to their homes. Why can't the FBI do this with suspected terrorists? Why not get together?
Bengals Get Owens
Cincinnati Bengals sign Terrel Owens to go with Ochocinco and Pac Man. Look for more hotdogging on the field than in the stands.
He's Still At It!
South Carolina representative Joe Wilson apologized this morning for his repeated, "You're Full Of Shit!" heckling during Obama's appearance on The View yesterday.
Dairy Dipper Robbed
Employee at the Dairy Dipper ice cream mart that was held up last week says that she still has the shakes.
No, They're Not Counterfeit, Exactly
Stoned Sacramento, California treasury worker prints 100,000 ten dollar bills with a copy of his own ass on the back.
New Captain Kangaroo
New Captain Kangaroo being sought as well as other personalities! Dick Cheney already signed up for Mr. Waterboard.
Sad Day For Boomers
Baby Boomers say it's a sad day when the Ringo Starr has to sing it, "Did you still feed me, did you still need me, back when I was 64?"
Crude Up, Down
The price of crude is down for the fifth day in a row. However, crude humor is still up almost 10%, led by all new Al Gore and Mel Gibson jokes, say stand-up comediennes.
You Jumped them All!
Old checkers player, a retire clergyman, opens a can of whupass on his younger opponent.
New Lassie Movie
New "Lassie" movie to be out in December, "Timmy Bobs For Tar Balls"
That's No Monk!
Cleveland police say they first became suspicious of bank robber dressed as monk when they noticed he had a mullet.
Woman Wins Big Pot!
Georgia woman wins The Big Pot lottery! Neighbor says 'she has the ass for it!'
"Our Work Is Nearly Done!"
Incoming BP CEO: Time for 'scaleback' in cleanup. Gulf citizens ask, when did you start?
But Can't Explain Skeleton
Tokyo's Oldest Man Actually Dead for 30 Years! Family thought he was meditating.
Was It By Terrorists?
UAE- Tanker damage raises a tidal wave of questions! A tsunami of different answers.
I Say Seven!
Authorities in Bear Wallow, Kentucky still fighting over exact number of cats old lady must have to be put away.
Adopted Highways Demand Freedom of Access
More adopted highways, especially in rural areas, want to know who their actual rock dumpers, oil sprayers and rollers were.
Illinois politician blames loss on number of people being cremated and not leaving a headstone with their name on it.
President Obama became the first President on TV to throw a tantrum on the floor after somebody asked him about the oil spill, on "The View".
Obama Gets A Burp
President Obama became the first president to be burped over a lady's shoulder on "The View".
World's Strongest Beer
Brewer claims world's strongest beer. "This stuff will grow hair on your hair!"
Aide: Pitino gave him $3,000 for pregnant woman. "I thought that was pretty cheap at the time."
Airlines Fares Increasing!
Airline fares rising ...from the ground up, according to latest survey.
New Aviation Safety Measures
Congress ready to pass aviation safety measures, after finally declaring Amelia Earhart officially dead.
No Fly Zone Over Wedding
FAA: Chelsea Clinton's wedding is a no-fly zone. Paparazzi, spiders disappointed.
Smith Trial Being Prepared
Attorneys prepare for Anna Nicole Smith trial. Gravediggers on standby.
NYC Battling Bedbugs
NYC looks to stop spreading bedbug infestations, blame New Jersey!
FBI After A Lot of People
FBI access to e-mail and Web records raises fears. They now known you're 50 and not a 16-year-old female.
Scientists say global warming is continuing as they all wipe their foreheads at the same time. Reminds most of lady coffee drinkers on "Last of the Summer Wine".
Facts Rule Out!
World stocks fall as data takes shine off daydreams!
Too Big, Too Small!
President Obama blames the Bush Administration for the size of his ears, penis.
Just Let Them Blow In!
Obama family blame Bush Administration for dandelions on White House lawn.
Don't Blame Me!
Obama blames George Bush Administration for daughter falling off bicycle!
Kind Words From Kerry
Kerry says he mishandled furor over yacht taxes. "Should have paid the &%%$##$ things in the first place."
BP Considering New Ways
US gas stations: Stay BP or change name to Amoco? "Free peter pump with every fill-up."
BP Considering Changes
US gas stations: Stay BP or change name to Amoco? Perhaps adding bathroom attendants?
BP To Change Names?
US gas stations: Stay BP or change name to Amoco? How about Pretty Sexy In Pumps?
Bigger Prison's Needed
FBI access to e-mail and Web records raises fears. Your opposition to Obama will be looked into. Over 1M people expect to be questioned, jailed.
FBI Has Your E-Mail Records
FBI access to e-mail and Web records raises fears. Expect a visit in the near future.
Facebook Turns Traitor
The Facebook Data Torrent Debacle: You now have 100 million friends who know about your hangups.
Rice Headed For Haiti?
Novelist Anne Rice says she's leaving Christianity, headed towards Voodoo. May use it in better selling books.
"Boy Are We Glad To See You!"
Ship lost for more than 150 years is recovered. Apparently took a wrong turn after going around the Cape.
Classifieds: Noise cancelling headphones
For sale a a pair of noise cancelling headphones, £30 ONO. Made by Pieonear they work brilliantly. However, they are meat and potato and I am now vegetarian, so have purchased cheese and onion ones.
Second Quarter Slow
Economic growth likely slowed in second quarter, as it has in 18 quarters before.
Must Think Of The Majority
Day care shut down to save Community Action money. Soup kitchen will allow Mayor to travel to French Riviera to find jobs.
NM governor considers pardon for Billy the Kid. Charles Manson may be released by Schwarzenegger.
NM governor considers pardon for Billy the Kid. Hawaii governor pardons Japanese for Pearl Harbor attack.
Billy Pardoned #3
NM governor considers pardon for Billy the Kid. Chicago pardons Mrs. O'Leary's Cow!
Billy The Kid #2
NM governor considers pardon for Billy the Kid. Washington pardons Lee Harvey Oswald.
Billy The Kid Pardoned?
NM governor considers pardon for Billy the Kid. "He was simply a poor misunderstood back-shooter."
Kerry To Fork Over Nearly $1M In Taxes
Kerry says he mishandled furor over yacht taxes. Tells Swift Boat people to kiss his ass.
Clear As Mud
Calcium supplements linked to heart attacks: study. Lack of calcium causes osteoporosis. Got that?
More LA Fires
Wildfire explodes in rural LA County hills. Experts blame global warming. "This hasn't happened in eigtht days!"
House Of Hippocrates!
House rejects bill to aid sick 9/11 responders, but sends their families blue ribbons.
GOP Wrangles Rangel
GOP gets wish: Rangel case in campaign season. Dems flee from his presence.
Troops kill senior 'capo' of mighty Mexico cartel. Now looking for "senior capo" #2!
FBI Trades List With Santa's Naughty One
FBI access to e-mail and Web records raises fears. So, you offed the old boy for the inheritance?
FBI Has Your E-Mails
FBI access to e-mail and Web records raises fears. New neighbor pretty hot is she?
FBI Access Your E-Mails
FBI access to e-mail and Web records raises fears. So your Uncle Fred is still flashing people?
FBI, Facebook Compare Lists
FBI access to e-mail and Web records raises fears. So you're still living in parent's basement?
FBI, Facebook Trading Lists
FBI access to e-mail and Web records raises fears of those that still piss the bed at 40.
Anne Rice has had a religious conversion: She's no longer a Christian. Tired of all this morality stuff!
Anne Rice: Once Bitten
Anne Rice has had a religious conversion: She's no longer a Christian. Will she go back to bestselling Vampire books?
Anne Rice No Longer Christian?
Anne Rice has had a religious conversion: She's no longer a Christian. Apparently books not selling as well.
Ship lost for more than 150 years is recovered. Passengers ask who won the Civil War.
Lost Ship Recovered
Ship lost for more than 150 years is recovered. Passengers say they are OK, except for being so old.
Facebook Clients Downloaded
Security concerns over Facebook have been raised yet again after a security consultant collected the names and profile URLs for 171 million Facebook accounts. Everyone knows all about you.
Sheriff Still Doing Job
Arizona sheriff not relenting after court ruling. "If they are here illegally, they will be arrested."
Warehouse Clearance Sale!
Warehouse Clearance Sale! 30% off ALL our warehouses. Need 30,000 square feet or 300 square metres? We have the lot! Hurry to our Warehouse Warehouse and pick up a bargain.
Awesome Sights & Uh Smells
Rockie astronaut says the sights should be awesome on his first trip to the Space Station. "But so was that fart that lasted 12 hours inside my suit during practice. I must have ate it 40 times."
Another Opinion Heard
Birther's claim President Obama had AG Holder bring a lawsuit against Arizona over the state's new illegal immigration law, to deflect attention from the president's birthplace!
House Ethics Panel
House Speaker Pelosi promised to "drain the swamp!" One of the alligators, named Rangel, just bit her on the rump!
It's Safe Now
It's safe to take your wallet and the family jewels out of the safe, from under the bed or from the tin can buried in the backyard! The US Congress has gone on summer vacation for six weeks!
New Electric Cars
New sub-compact electric car has reinforced bumpers, 12 air bags and gets the equivalent of 200 miles per gallon. However, the top speed of the machine is 5 miles per hour. A circus is interested!
Post Racial Society
KKK brings racial discrimination suit against Popeye's Chicken spokeswoman. US DOJ sues KKK. NAACP sues both KKK and DOJ. President Obama is vacationing on Martha's Vineyard MA!
Space Trash Increasing
Those on the Space station say there's a lot of trash floating around out there. "At least we got the lady with the diapers back down", says Houston.
A New Career
President Obama signs deal with ABC to become a permanent member of "The View" after he leaves office in 2013!
Staking out his New Homestead
Man found living in a cave in the forest! He says "the Obama, Pelosi and Reid liberal left policies will leave all Americans without housing, electricity, water, health care and retirement money."
Not an Epiphany
Clergyman has a parishioner removed from religious services after hearing the Holy Trinity referred to as Obama, Pelosi and Reid!
"House" Going Green
Madam Fifi says her "house" is going green. Bed sheets will be green, only changed once per month to save water and S & M equipment will be energy star rated. Green condoms and Absinthe are optional!
Italy Sells Advertising on Rome's Coliseum Walls
A shortage of operating funds has necessitated advertising signs be placed on the Roman built Coliseum walls. The first installed electronic billboard proclaims "Try Our Delicious Caesar Salad!"
A San Francisco CA man was taken to the hospital with his head up his ass. The man claims he was rear ended by a cable car while parked on California Street. A second man was seen fleeing the scene.
Save Money on Car Insurance
Automobile insurance companies who run stupid TV commercials could save 15% by eliminating these ads!
Trash Company Buys Portion of California City
The company plans to transport USA's chicken waste to San Francisco CA to generate green electricity. Mayor has no problem, as city has always been involved with Democratic left liberal chicken shit!
A Closet Republican
Rosie O'Donnell said "she thinks it's a bad idea for President Obama to go on the show (The View) she once co-hosted." Rosie O'Donnell has become a Republican!
Health care requires Americans provide height, weight, BMI, penis length & breast size to HHS. The ACLU (liberal) & the ACLJ (conservative) are filing a joint lawsuit against the federal government.
Especially In Dallas
The Fantasy Cheerleaders League closes after only one season. Players claimed they had heart palpitations during excitement.
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