Spoof news snippets from Thursday 29 July 2010
The new movie based on the book, "The Picasso Code" hard to follow movie line, say audience in no hurry to leave. "I', bound to dream of five-eyed, six-titted women", says one.
Schwin Flu Tour De World
FDA warns that the Schwin virus could mutate with remnants of the Swine Flu this winter because no vaccine is currently available for it. It is particularly hard on males who usually lose one ball.
NFL Verses World Cup!
National Football League Union Spokesman tells players that they must unite to protect their jobs and make people forget about that World Cup hype.
King Eyes America!
UK soccer jailbird Marlon King has been offered a role to revive his career with the "Misfit Demons" in the US. King was quoted as saying "I love Dolphins me" - Is no creature safe from this animal?
Big As A Porsche!
$11,000 wedding cake for Chelsea? Big enough to house a Porsche!
Calif. Doing Better
One In Five Californians Say They Need Mental Health Care. That's a 50% improvement.
Search For Missing Oil
Washington: 'Has Anyone Seen the Oil That Spilled into the Gulf?'. Arkansas caller: 'I think some of it is in my pond on the lower 40."
Pinch His Cheeks!
Obama on The View blames media and own staff for wrong firing of Sherrod, but he has never made a mistake in his life.
Molecules Eating It?
Missing oil in Gulf baffles officials, leads to more Mafia victims being dumped into salty ocean water, not rivers.
Politician's Remarks Protested
Tennessee politician's whose remarks that Islam is a cult receives more kool aid packages in the mail.
Aussie Leader Is Atheist
Australian PM says her atheism no threat to church schools, welfare, chickens coming home to roost.
Go Ahead And Lie
Study: The longer you sit, the shorter your life. Good news for couch potatoes!
Experts: Relationship insecurity may undermine health. Are you sure they are really your parents?
Spanish sporting super-stars use illegal substances called 'Los Toro's Cojones'!
Spain's astonishing sporting global achievements have come under global scrutiny and SHOCK, they've been using an illegal substance called "Los Toro's Cojones" in other words "Raging Bulls Balls, OLE"
Second Verse, Same As The First
Vice President Biden says Afghan policy still developing. "Give us about seven more years."
1853 Expedition Report
Canadian archaeologists find well-preserved ship wrecked in ice 157 years ago. Forgot to announce it until now.
Just Like The US
Britain to be biggest country in Europe by 2050. In weight, not number!
Medvedev Orders Investigation
Medvedev Orders Investigation Into Kremlin Corruption! Immediately Arrested!
Animal Rights In Middle East
Animal rights activism growing in Middle East! But still no women's rights!
Next Air Guitar?
Hamas bans women's underwear from shop windows. Shops put up sign "Invisible Underwear" Sold Here!"
Bully For Them!
Bulls let loose on the streets of Pamplona, Spain to clear out protesters.
Tour De Prance Begins
Tour De Prance off with the wave of the wrist & somebody going Baaannng!
Ain't That Sweet?
President Barack Obama is the first US president to suck titty on TV, on "The View"!
A Glaswegian rock band donated a dirty piece of neckwear to a local charity; it was a Travis tie.
Alicia Keys Reveals Her Language Hangup
New York girl Alicia Keys says she is so infatuated with NYC that anytime she goes anywhere else she truly misses hearing people cuss in 29 different languages.
The Famous Model Formerly Known As Amanda Beard
Model Amanda Beard says that she is so tired of hearing the smart aleck jokes about her last name that she has decided to change her name to Amanda Goatee.
Adam Lambert Reveals His Biggest Problem
Adam Lambert has explained that his biggest problem these days is whether to wear blue eye shadow or green eye shadow.
Lady Gaga Says She Is Not Christina Aguilera
Lady Gaga says she is sick and tired of people confusing her with Christina Aguilera. Gaga says that anyone can clearly see that she (Lady G) is way, way much nastier, vulgar, and richer.
The Real Reason Why Donnie Osmond Turned Down The Opportunity To Portray Jesse James
Donnie Osmond was to star in The Sad Story of Sandra Bullock and Jesse James but couldn't because he learned that he is allergic to tattoos.
Cameron Doesn't Like Brokeback Mountain
Brokeback Mountain? Cameron says he prefers True Grip....True Grit!
Are our oceans dying? Phytoplankton has declined 40% in 60 years as figures reveal Earth has been getting hotter since the Eighties. Oil spills certainly not helping.
Lots Of Racists
Sarkozy accused of racism for ordering closure of 300 illegal gypsy camps and expulsion of Roma after riot. Sarkozy calls gypsies racists over names he has been called.
Not An Olympic Sport
Flip-flops 'injure 200,000 a year' costing the NHS an astonishing £40m. Service warns about silly dives into pool.
Still Feeling A Bit Peaked
Police officer on sick leave for eighteen years suing over missing holiday pay, long service medal and gold watch.
NOW HEAR THIS!
David Miliband calls Cameron a 'loudmouth' after PM accused Pakistan of 'exporting terror'. In response, PM gets even louder with turned up mike, breaking Miliband's glasses.
Hunt Cut Back!
Hunt for big lizard that escaped London Zoo scaled down!
No Shoes To Throw!
Egg-throwing extremist shouted 'Cameron's bitch' at Muslim Tory minister is jailed. PETA ready for when he gets out.
While Men Brag Of Conquests
Surge in 'virginity repair' operations on NHS as increasing number of women hide evidence of sex before marriage. Others use alum in emergency.
Down In The Dumps
Fortnightly bin rounds face the axe as government orders waste carriage overhaul!
North African Vicar carried out 360 sham marriages for illegal African immigrants marrying Eastern Europeans to live in Britain.
Millions Of Them!
Passenger plane from Scotland makes emergency landing after pilot is forced to turn one its engines off after hitting big swarm of midgies.
Kellogg's Numbers Down
Costs for cereal recall of "Turnin' Twix" hit Kellogg 2Q profit.
Initial jobless claims drop to only 457,000,000. Best in 18 months.
Kate Winslet to NOT appear nude in next film
The former Mrs Sam Mendes has advised she will keep her clothes on for her next film, as she doesn't want to become overly exposed, again! Well done Kate, we look forward to seeing you all dressed up.
Womem's Underwear Attacked By Hamas
Hamas targets women's underwear in modesty drive. Ask that long johns be longer!
Raiders Sign #1
Raiders sign first-round pick, Moola McMoneybags to big contract!
Wanted To Get It Right
Congress ready to pass aviation safety measures after ten-year study after 911.
Review: 'Dinner for Schmucks' should be titled "Movie For Schmucks".
No charges filed in probe of 200 other Michael Jackson doctors.
Could Cause Problems
Chelsea warning: NY town abuzz pre-Clinton wedding, hornet invasion.
Faces Being Rebuilt!
New program rebuilding faces of soldiers, veterans, Nancy Pelosi!
Bedbugs Biting Into NYC Hotel Profits
NYC looks to stop spreading bedbug infestations. May turn rats loose on them.
Forget the Ocean!
Plankton, base of ocean food web, in big decline. More suppliers turning to raising tuna, sharks in big lakes, ponds!
Global Warming Continues
Scientists say global warming is continuing. "We're moving our facilities north for the third time", says sweaty spokesman.
Publicity Could Help
Toyota recalls 412,000 cars in US, mostly Avalons. CEO recommend new free movie for kids: Toyota Story.
More Toyotas Recalled
Toyota recalls 412,000 cars in US, mostly Avalons. CEO wants to recall all Toyotas and get it over with.
SBA Questions Senators!
Small business lending bill founders in Senate. "We get very little payoffs from these people."
Them Old WikiLeaks!
WikiLeaks fallout: Tighter access to US secrets? If so, we'll never know!
Mother Nature Helping
Mother Nature helping firefighters battle Cal fire as ten inches of rain removes fire, mountainside.
Before The Emotion & The Response Falls The Shadow"
AP IMPACT: Before the CIA, there was the Pond. Before the water boarding, there was the pond dip for witchcraft!
More On Gulf Oil Leak
Gulf cleanup will change once oil stops for good. Also checks will trickle out as oil leak reduced to a trickle.
Chavez Using Columbian Dispute
Analysis: Colombia dispute helps Chavez distract. Sort of like oil spill here.
Pakistan Gen. Balanced
Pakistan general balances all sides of conflict. "I hate them all equally!"
Horoscopes - Taurus - August
Colour: A subtle shade of off-white
August is a good month for windsurfing and visiting A&E. Try and combine both to maximise your good fortune. Avoid ATMs around the 25th.
TV Bombing In Baghdad, US
Al-Qaida-linked group claims TV bombing in Baghdad. US networks managing to do that on their own.
Economy Bottoming Out
AP survey: A bleaker outlook for economy into 2011 but should rebound to 1934 status by 2015!
It's Bangkok Again!
Travel magazine names Bangkok world's top city! Detroit drops to number two.
Fires Diasapearing, Everything Disappearing
Mother Nature helping firefighters battle Cal fire. Sends in a great tsunami.
Leakings Around Well?
Gulf cleanup will change once oil stops for good, perhaps by 2020 for total stoppage.
Killer Won't Walk Away!
Whiteside Murder: Shooter receives 25 years of hard labor in prison gym weight-lifter room.
Tatman taking over GM plant! Tas tittle tubble wid tawkin.
Digestive Biscuits Recommended!
White House, Congress advise the purchase of digestive Biscuits once you receive info on tax increases.
Book Sales Down
The scoop on unauthorized celeb books: fewer sales! Reason: sites like TheSpoof offer the info for free.
Female Condoms Pushed!
DC pushes female condoms to fight HIV epidemic with males pushing the hardest!
Foreclosures up in 75 percent of top U.S. metro areas. Expected to high rise in 2012.
Border Wars Going North
Phoenix shootout leaves 1 officer, 2 suspects dead as more residence arm themselves for self-defense.
Economy To Get Worse Before It Gets Worser
AP survey: A bleaker outlook for economy into 2011 as US government may have to nationalize everything and provide job, if you behave!
Economy To Worsen In 2012
AP survey: A bleaker outlook for economy into 2011. And 2010 has been such a good one!
Travel Names Bangkok!
Travel magazine names Bangkok world's top city. Islamabad #2!
Immigration ruling could send message to states. The clowns in Washington are in charge, if anybody.
Will States Attempt To Break Away?
Immigration ruling could send message to states. "Better arm yourselves. Take care of your own. No help from Washington."
Bangkok Top City
Travel magazine names Bangkok world's top city, especially for those who love riots, sex shops and drugs.
Amish Moving West #2
APNewsBreak: Study says Amish expanding westward. Fearful gather in groups on how to defend themselves against buggy blocks in California traffic.
Amish Moving West
APNewsBreak: Study says Amish expanding westward. Everybody hopes it's a peaceful movement without corncob fights.
Another Oil Leak!
EPA: 1M gallons of oil may be in Mich. river. Odd that these things happen during administration that wants oil drilling to stop.
Ruling Sends Message #4
Immigration ruling could send message to states that the federal government won't do anything but twiddle thumbs during oil leaks and other disasters.
Ruling Sends Message #3
Immigration ruling could send message to states that the federal government won't do anything but campaign for next election.
Ruling sends Message #2
Immigration ruling could send message to states that you can'r expect support from federal government when they're elsewhere on vacation.
Ruling Sends Message
Immigration ruling could send message to states: You can't depend on the federal government to do anything but appear on Oprah.
Obama one-ups Wikileaks
"You think 90,000 Afghan files is a big leak?" sneered the President. "I put the lives of WWII vets in grave danger by leaking 5,000 documents from FDR!"
Republicans Link Democratic Left Liberals to Bolsheviks
Republicans to publish a rare 1917 Russian photograph of Natasha Pelosky, Heine Reidonovich & Boris Obamaski standing next to Vladimir Lenin. Are they relatives of the current Democratic leadership?
Let the Pilots Take Turns
President Calvin Coolidge said "Can't we just buy one airplane and have the pilots take turns?" At the current cost of military aircraft, "Silent Cal" may have been a visionary!
Doth Protest too Much Madam Speaker
HS Pelosi rails against corporate influence on elections. Secretly her fingers & toes are crossed that a Senate Republican filibuster of the DISCLOSE Act holds, to protect her corporation supporters!
New FCC Regulation
FCC regulation mandates the American public to watch 7 hours of inane TV programming each day. President Obama, SML Reid & HS Pelosi will now be able to run up the national debt even more, unobserved!
Another New FCC Regulation
FCC regulation mandates a pharmaceutical company & a trial lawyer share the same TV commercial spot. The drug manufacturer can tell you how good the product is & the lawyer can tell you how to sue!
A Screwed Taxpayer
Federal government programs cover credit card debt, corporate bailout & mortgage default. If you have no credit card debt, own a sound business & your house has no mortgage you're a screwed taxpayer!
Democrats Link Republicans to Tea Party
Democratic liberals find that 50% of House Republicans drink tea & 50% of Senate Republicans drink tea. However, Congressional Democrats know Republicans will be eating their lunch in November 2010!
House Speaker Pelosi blames the 1906 San Francisco CA earthquake on Senate Republicans. See what happens when Botox, cooking sherry and marijuana are used together!
What Illegal Immigrant Problem?
Congressional Democratic left liberals are preparing a bill requiring each American household to adopt one illegal immigrant. There are over 100 million homes & 18 million illegal's, problem solved!
Senate Majority Leader Reid Receives Award
SML Reid was presented the Congressional Reprehensible American Politician (CRAP) award. CRAP is given to the least ethical Democratic liberal Senate leader, who has no regard for the American people!
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