Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 28 July 2010
Mutated With Swine That Wallowed In It!
Obama admits that mass graves could be dug for winter bout of the Gulf Oil Flu, "but you shouldn't be worried about it."
Gets The Last Word
Rabbi fired from the synagogue gives one final Ironic Blessing.
"Bruno! Stop That!"
Family dog catches the blame of messy house from Mom, eating their homework from the kids and farting from the Dad. Moves out to doghouse.
FBI director defends Bureau over entrance test cheating. Abel Rodriguiz, Skoob help Bureau as character witnesses. "They're all characters if you ask me" -Judge!
Two For Two
Top Hot Dog Eater wins second First Place Trophy the very next day at the Top Crapper's Event!
Chicago Gangs Ready
Chicago-area gangs use sports team clothing as signs tell Obama they are ready for November elections that his candidate has already won.
8.7 Billion Dollars Disappears
Defense Dept. can't account for $8.7 billion. Obama to have staff frisked from now on.
Al Qaeda No. 2, apparently back from the dead, threatens more U.S. Attacks.
David Cameron Hitler Link!
UK PM David Cameron has announced a multi million pound project to clone cells from a strand of Adolf Hitler's hair sample held in the Imperial War Museum!
UK Citizen Personal Responsibility Policy Act
David Cameron has announced that he is giving support to Theresa May's idea of giving power to local communities to form Vigilante groups to combat local identified ASBOS.
Football - English FA To Introduce CRB Checks!
UK FA supremo Sir Trevor Brooking has announced that the Football Association is to introduce CRB checks on ALL its players and members - the 2010/11 football season has been cancelled!
UK Asbos Laughing All The Way To Their Next Offence!
UK Home Secretary Theresa May has had her windows put through but is not reporting the incident for politically financial reasons!
Judge Rules in Arizona Case
Judge rules it's not illegal for an illegal to work.But its illegal to hire an illegal and it is legal to pick an illegal up to work and illegally block traffic.Arizona will appeal
Mixup At Vatican
Confused Pope Benedict accidentally makes Osama Bin Laden a saint. "I got it mixed with the voodoo curse" states pontiff with dead chicken in his hand.
They Still Worked Until You Told Us!
Older Americans caught sneaking back across Mexican border with drugs they purchased at cheaper price. However, they were let go later in the day when the drugs were found to be jumping bean placebos.
New Disease Related to Bells Palsy Identified
Medical researcher investigating Bells Palsy,condition that causes face to sag. Discovered new strain that effect the testicle making one hang lower than other. It was named Balls Palsy by researchers
CNN A Riot!
CNN: "This just in, there is a riot going on somewhere... but we have no sound. Now we do. OH IT"S HERE!!"
Ruse Didn't Work Somehow
Sheriff Roy Knuckles of Bear Wallow, Kentucky closes down "Jim Bob's Male Prostitute" establishment owned and ran by bald-headed 295-pound Jim Bob, hisself. "No customers in 3 years anyway!"
Getting Confidence Back
Shoe-Bomber proudly tells reporters that no one in his family has ever lost a sock in a dryer!
"What's The Smell? We'll Be Right Back!"
Rush Limbaugh no longer poo-poos the idea that someone left a flaming bag of dog shit on floor outside broadcast booth.
Turkey Denies Any Knowledge!
"PLO Relief Boat Captain: "Who put all these sting missiles in with the dried fruit?"
Obama Denies Closeness To Wright
President Obama: Actually Preacher "Jerry The Merry" Wright and I were never that close.
Record heat, floods, fires and tornadoes not related to terrorists, says Home Security.
Congress, in a move to save money, moves to lay off 50 Senators. Bill not expected to make it through the Senate.
Had His VISA With Him
Home Security briefly caught and held the Devil for questioning today but then let him go.
Bin Laden OK
A representative of al-Qaida on al-Jazeera TV says that article in "World Meekly News" about Bin Laden Being killed by asteroid completely untrue.
Where Are They Now? Lou Dobbs
Lou Dobbs is in Yuma, Arizona hiding from the Mexican Drug Cartels who have vowed to find him and turn him into a soprano.
Where Are They Now? Dick Cheney
No one really knows where Dick Cheney, the former vice-president has gone and even less really care.
Where Are They Now? Barry Bonds
Ex-baseball great Barry Bonds is working as a bouncer at a gay sports bar in San Francisco.
Where Are They Now? Condoleezza Rice
Condoleezza Rice, who was George Bush's secretary of state, was last seen outside of Oprah Winfrey's Chicago mansion muttering "Hey let's me in Miss Oprah, I be a black gal just like you be."
Where Are They Now? Donald Rumsfeld
Donald Rumsfeld, the former secretary of defense during the George W. Bush administration, was recently rejected as a contestant on America's Got Talent. He appeared billed as "The Lying Comedian."
It's OK Nancy!
News of a ban on bullfighting caught House Speaker Nancy Pelosi off guard today until she got it right. "I thought the ban was on "Bull-shitting" there for awhile."
Women Singing Away!
Condoleezza and Aretha's R-E-S-P-E-C-T! Followed by Elin and Tipper Gore's D-I-V-O-R-C-E!
Az Sheriff Toughens Stand
AZ Sheriff to Protesters: If You Block the Jail, We'll place you where you can protest from the inside!
Kerry Vows to Pay After Yacht Tax Uproar! "How do you think we got rich in the first place?"
Asteroid To Hit Earth
Asteroid May Hit Earth in 2012, Scientists Warn. I'm sorry, that should be "2182". Hey! Where is everybody?
A patient in an Omaha, Neb. hospital claims that she was awake during part of her surgery, overhearing, "Well, we can't sew her back up until she leaves that 'out of body' experience. Come on back!"
No More "Bruce's Fruity"
ComPost Cereal has announced that they are dropping their "Bruce's Fruity Cheerios" cereal.
Lewinsky no show at Clinton nuptials
Organisers of Chelsea Clinton's pending nuptials have denied that Monica Lewinsky will make an appearance at her wedding. "That mole has had her day" a spokesperson for Clinton remarked with irony.
Italy Is Doing Away With The Politics of Politics
The Global Political Movement League is looking into the charges that Italy wants to replace its political parties with All-You-Can-Eat Pizza Parties.
Lions Are Not Vegetarians
The Order of International Food Ingredients has finally admitted that yes food consumers may find traces of zebra balls in some of their lion steaks.
The Hazards of Eating Uncooked Kenyan Baboon Breasts
The World Citizens Health Organization has stressed to the citizens of Kenya that eating uncooked baboon breasts can make a man sterile and a woman lazy.
Donald Trump Has Won Yet Another Well-Deserved Award
The Ugly Hair Society of North America has again named Donald Trump as the recipient of its coveted "Hair From Hell Award."
The Food in Upper Shambutu Is Kind of on The Different Side
The International Food Federation wants to stress to some of the third world countries (again) that dust and lint are not considered a part of the four basic food groups.
Bengals Sign Owens!
AP Sources: Bengals reach deal with Terrel Owens. Owens may be after "Played for the most teams" record.
Delta Air Lines subsidiary fined for bumping, grinding, Miley style.
ABC News Programmer Resigns
ABC programming chief McPherson abruptly resigns. "Can't work here any longer. Everything changed when Obama group bought ABC News."
French First Lady Filming Again
French first lady begins filming latest Allen flick, once again completely in the nude!
Getting New Faces
New program rebuilding faces of soldiers, veterans, politicians.
That's A No-No!
In midst of river cleanup, supporters are divided, changing horses.
Cosmonauts Take Spacewalk
2 Russian cosmonauts complete spacewalk with help of alien boyscout.
White House Partying!
Democrats attacking GOP as tea party. GOP attacking Obama as Permanent Partying Party!
All Women Candidates In Oklahoma
Women to head GOP, Democratic tickets in Oklahoma, or "Cow Country" as Kinky Friedman says.
Take It Like a Man
Blagojevich's fate to be in the hands of jurors who ask that he quit whining.
France, Japan Have Had Enough
Explosion rocks Japanese tanker in Persian Gulf. Japan declares war on al-Qaida. Or it could have been an explosion fish.
Az. Didn't Need New Law
Arizona helped deport thousands without new law. "Didn't really need the new law", states Guv. "just wanted to piss off Obama."
Home Grown Terrorists?
Calif. wildfires burn 30-plus homes, threaten 150 as police show al-Qaida agent caught in Smokey the Bear outfit.
Much Leaner Company
BP hopes to turn page with new CEO, leaner company: especially after lawsuits are settled.
New 3D Camcorders
Panasonic introduces 3-D camcorder for consumers. "So here I am taking my Viagra pill & watch what happens in only 30 minutes. But we can chat through the next 25 or so."
Tempting The Neighbors
Panasonic introduces 3-D camcorder for consumers. "This one shows our visit to a nudist colony. No clothes allowed. Look at George's dong. He was so proud. Sort of jumps out at you doesn't it?"
Panasonic introduces 3-D Camcorders
Panasonic introduces 3-D camcorder for consumers. "And here we are, everyone of us puking over the port side."
New 3D Camcorders
Panasonic introduces 3-D camcorder for consumers. Now neighbors can show you childbirth as if he's popping out into your arms!
Second Student Sues
A 2nd lawsuit has been filed against a suburban Philadelphia school district accused of spying on students through cameras in school-issued laptops. Accused say they were merely testing cheats.
4 journalists reported missing in northern Mexico. Police on both sides wonder what could have happened in such a beautiful, peaceful area.
FIB Or FBI?
FBI scrutinized over test cheating. But passed it anyway by coming up with brilliant plan to cheat. Shows initiative!
FBI Test Cheating
APNewsBreak: FBI scrutinized over test cheating. Broke in and copied answers the night before.
NYC Settles Lawsuit
NYC settles 50-bullet cop lawsuit for $7 million. Cops admit shooting unarmed man was going to far.
Another Brilliant Discovery
Credit card fees transfer wealth to rich, study finds. "Sort od like money when we buy things."
France At War
France declares war on Al-Qaida! Builds another Maginot Line!
France declares War
France declares war against al-Qaida. Might as well fight back a bit.
Robert Pattinson is Jeremy Vine's love child
Questions were raised when Twilight Star Pattinson was pictured beside Vine, bearing an uncanny resemblance to one of the BEEBs top men. Neither were available for comment!
A BP Quiz?
Share your story: How well is BP handling Gulf oil-spill claims? "About as well as they handled the oil spill", say many.
Arizona: Is Everyone Deaf?
Arizona helped deport thousands without new law. "They were here ILLEGALLY people, do you not have ears?"
Truth Comes Out
Great grandson of Alan Kingery admits that Floyd Collins ears were not eaten off by cave crickets by the time his body was pulled from cave. "My grandfather was also trapped for awhile and ate them."
Estimate They Will Reach Another State By 2075
Even though they are told not to take any rock souvenirs home with them, visitors to Mammoth Cave National Park have extended passageways from 350 miles underground to 355 miles.
Fat man who tried to run out without paying, after eating at Taco Tico for an hour, tasered by pursuing police...explodes!
Fossilized Democrats New Election Strategy
House Speaker Pelosi & Senate Majority Leader Reid claim former President George W Bush was responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs. (The DOI MMS was responsible for faking the evidence.)
Arizona, New Mexico & Texas construction crews to build a 30' high, 64 mile fence along Washington DC Beltway to send a message to President Obama & Congressional Democrats about illegal immigration!
Some Starlets Disagree
Overheard at Tea Party rally, "Americans don't want the federal government in their wallets & underwear!" Paris Hilton, Britney Spears & Lindsay Lohan took exception to the last part of the statement!
US Department of Justice Turf War
US DOJ sues Arizona about their new illegal immigrant apprehension law. Yet US DOJ allows ICE to fingerprint arrested criminal suspects, determine if they are illegal immigrants & deport these people!
Former VP Gore Calls Global Warming a Hoax
Gore said "I have been duped!" The real problem is the molten iron core of the Earth is leaking into space, in 50 years there will be another Ice Age. Micronesia will be a skier's paradise & I own it!
EPA Sues White House and Congress
It was just a matter of time until the EPA sued the White House and Congress over air and water pollution. Both branches of government are guilty of dumping toxic assets and spewing smelly bullshit!
A Good Spanking is Needed
US House passes War Funding bill (same as US Senate), without any added Democratic far left liberal social spending. House Speaker Pelosi and House Majority Leader Hoyer whine like six year olds.
Tropical Storm Voter Forming
Hurricane Voter is predicted by NOAA to hit mainland USA in November 2010. The exact category of the storm is still unpredictable. Congressional Democrats are directing OBAMA to prepare for the worst!
Do you want to be a winner in the November elections in your state? You must pick three Democratic losers such as Senate Majority Leader Reid, House Speaker Pelosi & a Senate/House/Governor choice.
Half the town wiped out as elementary student shows off his new science class invention.
Somebody Will Pay For This
Good looking women getting suspicious of "Suppository Bomber" warning and search every time the get to the airport.
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