Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 27 July 2010
New Cave Markings
Message found on cave wall in France seems to say "Love of clams the root of all evil".
It'll Blow Your Mind
The Taliban's "Suicide Bombers & Premature Explosions" the comedy hit of the season on Al Jazeera.
Obama - I'm a Loser Admission!
...BP, Afghanistan, China etc. "I am wrong but love been in office, I cannot keep up with Farcebook and all the other things the 21st century throws at me, I am a 21st century loser!"
Steinbrenner Already Trying To Deal
Steinbrenner already trying to purchase Angels top performer?
"What with?", asks St. Peter. "Pieces of sidewalk?"
"Awwww! Look At That!
President Obama on 'The View' this week. Some expected to give him a hard time by pinching him on the cheeks, watch the way his eyes move when you move a pencil from side to side in front of his nose.
BP / CEO exiled in Siberia!
Tony Hayward has been exiled to a Russian Stalag in Siberia, Putin has promised Tony VIP treatment, 2 portions of cold cabbage soup laced with polluted olive oil daily!
John Kerry taking a lot of heat for 7 million dollar yacht purchase
If he was such a great naval commander, why didn't he just buy and refurbish a Swift boat from a navy surplus store?
Chelsea Clinton's 5 million dollar wedding being called a "dog and pony show"
I can't decide; which one is Chelsea, the dog or the pony?
Nicotine Gum Addictive
Food & Drug Administration says that nicotine gum is addictive. Recommend smoking 2-3 cigarettes a day to help you get off them.
Ask Him About Feces
In answer to question about fetal testing, VP Biden stated that he was all for it. "You don't take care of your feet, you're in big trouble, man.
Getting Crowded Here
Astronauts, cosmonauts ask that a shuttle be sent to pick up gypsies at space station.
Having A Bad Dream
This just in: Apparently you fell asleep on the couch and this Spoof reading is a bad dream. Better wake up before it gets any worse.
More Flooding In China
Sudden flooding in China catches Riverdance Performance off guard. Villagers blame them!
It's Now Official
Official word from leading economists: The Good Times Done Rolled!
Men Outnumber Women
Census in Wyoming shows that men outnumber women in Wyoming two to one. That's it. There are 2 men and one woman there.
Kim Jong il gravest threat yet
Sources close to North Korean leader,Kim Jong iL,say he wants South Korea to suffer for humiliating him. He muttered "I'rr get dem in the rong grass" as he watched South Korean/US war games on TV.
Speech Writer: You Were Only To Read First Part!
President Obama says we may need to stay in Afghanistan a little longer for our country's future safety. Also, to take people's attention away from the economy & oil spill.
Newly discovered diary shows that General MacArthur thought he was Napoleon in a previous life. Notes "We both returned."
Work Of Art
Cleaning lady at Metropolitan Museum of Art comes back after mop and bucket finds huge crowd studying it and jotting down notes. "That's for sale, you know?".
California Has Worst Traffic
A new survey says California has the worst traffic of any state in the union. After the announcement, there were huge traffic jams as people ran into the street yelling, "We're Number one!"
Lohan Cancels Appearance
Lindsay Lohan has canceled her appearance scheduled for 'The View' after she gets out of jail. "Those women on there remind me too much of the ones who pass through here every night."
Bit Of A Sock
Resting jogger in Cleveland says he's OK after ravens pluck out the eyes of his five-year-old running shoes.
It's Nader Again!
Presidential candidate Ralph Nader gets early start on 2012 campaign by changing followers from "Nader's Raiders" to Rader's Master Debaters".
Nader Running Again In 2012
Presidential candidate Ralph Nader gets early start on 2012 campaign by announcing his slogan, "Seventh Time's The Charm!"
Bush & Obama!
Presidential candidate Ralph Nader gets early start on 2012 campaign by announcing his slogan, "Look What The Big Parties Gave You!"
Vow Of Silence Broken
The Pope has stated that a vow of silence doesn't mean that you can have farting contests and giggle half the night.
Banks Raising Interest
Some banks are getting more people to invest by placing nude paintings beside their rate board. That way people don't notice that it's .5 percent, not 5. percent.
The Nazi Fan Paris Hilton Is So Spoiled She Smells Like Naomi Campbell
Nazi fan Paris Hilton has stated that she wants to change her name to one that is more German sounding. She says she is seriously thinking about changing her name to Dusseldorf Hiltonhausen.
The Round Mound Charles "Bring Me Mo Food Fool" Barkley
Charles Barkley, who weighs just as much as Kirstie Alley, (409 pounds), says he is going to cut back on his turkey eating. He said he is cutting back from three to two Butterball turkeys a day.
The Ever Wandering American Idol Reject Tatiana Del Toro
American Idol reject Tatiana Del Toro was spotted walking the streets of Dublin, Ireland, muttering to herself that she knows Ryan Seacrest personally.
The Former Actor Formerly Known As Billy Bob Thornton
In the 'Where Are They Now Department.' Billy Bob Thornton is working as a Wal-Mart greeter in Intercourse, Pennsylvania.
If There's One Thing That The Scottish Songstress Susan Boyle Can't Stand It's...
Susan Boyle was going to schedule a concert in Brazil but remembered that she hates nuts.
Elin Must Have Won A Bundle
Man lives in tiny 89 sq ft house! But Tiger Woods says that it's big enough for him and his golf clubs.
Brett Favre and His Ongoing Game of Musical Retirement Chairs
Minnesota Vikings quarterback, the unretired, retired, unretired Brett Favre says that the Green Bay Packers organization called and want to retire his Green Bay Packers jock strap.
The Former Singer Known As Madonna and Her Cure For Cellulite
Madonna's ex-maid has said that the former singer is so obsessed with cellulite that she has been known to cover her thighs with duct tape.
Iceland By Any Other Name Is Just As Friggin Cold!
Iceland votes to have its named changed to the not so harsh sounding Snowland.
The Tattooed Adulterous Punk Known As The Ex-Mr. Sandra Bullock
Jesse James says he is willing to prove his love for ex-wife Sandra Bullock by spending $29,000 to have every single one of his 47 tattoos laserly removed
The Kanye West - Taylor Momsen Relationship
Kanye West is reportedly dating Taylor Momsen. Which makes them a great pair, since one steals microphones and the other steals Miley Cyrus's act.
Taliban Make Do
United Nations troops fire fight with Taliban held up in town built of old shell casings turns deadly.
Like Boy Named Sue
Ten-year-old Penis McCrapinpants dreading the start of school already.
Rose In Hall Of Fame?
Baseball's Hall Of Fame in Cooperstown agrees to let Pete Rose in if he does it under alias "Cincinnati Mullet Head".
Turn Volume Down!
FOX News promising 100% more yelling and screaming during this fall's political campaigns.
Organic Pot The Best
Marijuana grown within 50 miles of California farmer's market recommended by nutritionists.
Use Home Grown
Petroleum-Advocacy Group recommends drilling 50 new wells in every state. "Piss on the Oil Cartel."
What, Me Worry?
New poll shows that most reporters fired by the New York Times get jobs at Mad Magazine.
Entertainment Lady at Pa. Nursing facilities arrested for substituting live grenade for ball toss. "They said they needed to be more active so I changed things. It was a dud, but several ran away.
Presidnt Obama rushes back to White House after VP Joe Biden sends US troops into Libraries. "Civil war there we heard, Sir. Need to get our citizens out."
Lindsay Lohan claims she sees dead Elvis on jail toilet during the night.
Must Be Using Old One
Newest face transplant recipient looks a lot like Michael Jackson's old face.
Outbreak Hits Kentucky, W. Virginia
Retiring Kentucky Senator, Jim Bunning, admits to having possumpox.
Iran once again say that they have no nuclear weapons and to leave them alone or they will turn them loose on you.
Obama does Best Work Away From Mother-In-Law
President Obama says that he will spend 90% of the rest of the year campaigning for Senate & House candidates and on vacation.
Isle of Wight part of Axis of Evil
Anxious to increase the ever growing 'Axis of Evil', Brit bashing President Barry O'Bama has had enough of 'those Wight folk thinking they can do what they like'!
1 in 5 MPs are fake
So many fake MPs are now in circulation that they may have to be withdrawn and reissued. Lord Sir Grand Admiral Alan Sugar will supervise the country until this has been done.
Steroid Crackdown Affecting Hitters
Garza gives Rays their first-ever no-hitter, 75th one this season.
Favre: Might Play Awhile Yet
'Maybe I will be doing this when I'm 50-55,' Favre says. "I'm not that favre from that now.'
They Put Me In Here, All Alone
Lindsay Lohan's 'Innocent' Tattoo she reportedly got inked before jail. "She's been a nice little martyr." say guards.
Looking For Real Parents
Graying Adoptees Still Seeking Their Identities after 98-year old reunited with his grandmother.
Incidents On Planes
Did a Crying Baby Make an Air Passenger Deaf? Did a pooping baby on plane make a man lose his sense of smell?
Police After Rock Throwers
Police hunt for yobs hurling rocks at passing cars after cracked windscreen leads to lorry driver's death in crash. Plan to ship them to Palestine.
Two-Year Countdown Begins
London celebrates 2-year countdown to 2012 Games. Plan to celebrate 2 years after, also.
New MTV show takes on high school stereotypes: Class Clown, Nerds, Jocks, Those With Guns & Ammo, Runt.
They Were At School When 99% Of Us Were There
New MTV show takes on high school stereotypes. Liberals object. "There are no differences!"
Really Busy Though
Angelina Jolie says Pitt is 'wonderful father' during three weeks he's at home during the year.
Fresh Is Better, They Say
Tests aim to settle if fresher blood works better. Over 100 vampires take part...at night.
Face Rebuiling Helping Vets
New program rebuilding faces of soldiers, veterans, Nancy Pelosi.
Plenty Of Plastic Out There
Boat of plastic bottles ends 4-month Pacific sail. Gathered up enough floating bottles on the way to make three more.
New Big Bang?
Big Bang investigators want new atom smasher. Want to produce another, get a fresh start and do it right this time.
Biggest News for American Theatre Goers
AMC Loews has announced the incredible news that it will be offering $1 drinks and popcorn this Sunday to anyone who attends a movie.
Just Like Swift Boat Vets
US braces for blowback over Afghan war disclosures but "Swift Camel Vets" organizes to counteract it.
Bottom Line Is All Boses Want To See!
Hayward boosted BP's bottom line, but not safety, unlike any other companies such as the coal industry.
It's Now Out In The Open
US braces for blowback over Afghan war disclosures. However, US asks other countries if their polices, acts any different.
Everybody Has Own Candidates
Target Corp. spending company money on candidates. McDonald's may run Donald for President, capture very young vote.
Same Old Thing But Now It's Legal
Target Corp. spending company money on candidates. Nothing new here except that it's now legal.
It's Legal Now
Target Corp. spending company money on candidates as WalMart, others choose their favorites.
Cut Own Salaries By 1% As An Example
Outrage remains after CA council votes to cut pay. "Should cut their throats", says one concerned citizen.
Judge May Jail Lawyer
Blagojevich lawyer irks judge, may risk jail. Judge: Is he one of this family?
"This Is A God Day To Tour"
Australian caves offer new tour -- in Klingon. Ferengi's object!
Natural Gas War
Natural gas could lead to new Lebanon-Israel war as farting contests break out along the border.
Spies Are Heroes
Russian Spies Return Home to Pootin' Fanfare, New Jobs! I'm sorry, that should be "Putin's Fanfare".
Spies Return Home
Russian Spies Return Home to Putin's Fanfare, New Jobs, New Counties under new names!
A Wonderful Idea
New BP chief: Priority is plugging well for good. Audience amazed As No One Had Thought Of That!
Cracks In Support
Poll: A few cracks in Obama's Hispanic support as many of them losing jobs also.
Hit List, Shit List
Hit list draws fire in wake of leaked US documents. Now the "Shit list" has been hacked and released.
Hit list draws fire in wake of leaked US documents. "First Iraq, then Afghanistan, Iran, North Korea, Opposite political in the US."
New BP chief: Priority is plugging well for good, not sailing on our yachts. Of to a good start.
A Workable Plan
Russia, India & China have come to an agreement about Pakistan's involvement with the Taliban. Pakistan will be paved over as a parking lot for shipping goods, manufactured in Russia, India & China!
Change is Coming
Mr. A. Moron is running for Mayor of San Francisco CA. The Independent candidate hopes to replace the Democratic far left liberal moron now occupying the office!
Guess Who's Coming to the Party
Mitch Rapp has been dispatched to block corporations trading with Iran, stop Iran sending explosives to Afghanistan and change the ridiculous rules of engagement, to protect American service people!
George W Bush May be Elected in 2010
House Speaker Pelosi, Senate Majority Leader Reid & President Obama are running against former President GW Bush after two years of Obama's administration. Pundits think Obama is just running scared!
It's a Management Problem
The USA economy, foreign, defense, energy and illegal immigration policies are out of control. The president is having his buttocks enlarged so he can finally "find his ass!"
An Unlikely Story
Senator Kerry (D) MA, a tax and spend liberal, says "he keeps his New Zealand built yacht in RI waters not to avoid taxes and nobody in New England (MA, RI, CT, NH, ME, VT) knows how to build boats!"
What's a Starlet to Do
Los Angeles County CA was to pass an ordinance banning all alcohol and drugs. However, the REHAB Facility Association claimed that a large segment of tax revenue to the county would be eliminated.
An Idea Worth Considering
BP Board of Directors is to decide on replacing CEO Tony Hayward or leave the position vacant. The CEO's salary and bonuses could go towards helping the gulf state residents hurt by the oil spill!
Fair Weather Friends, Who Needs Enemies
The biggest open secret ever known is that Pakistan has been taking USA funding and helping the Taliban! What about the rest of the USA's fickle Muslim country friends?
What a Concept
President Obama is very interested in the Russian, Indian & Chinese idea of paving over Pakistan as a parking lot being applied to North Korea & possibly Iran! The Chinese are thinking about N Korea!
Justice is Served, Maybe
If Rod Blagojevich is found guilty he will go to jail. If Rod Blagojevich is found innocent, President Obama plans to make the former Illinois governor the USA's first resident ambassador to the Moon!
Aspects of Health Care Prevention
President Obama asks Congress for $10 billion to prevent any severe outbreak of athlete's foot. Vice President Biden has his foot in his mouth so much, that the president wants to be very cautious!
It's in the Air
EPA discovers what causes San Francisco CA to have an abnormally high number of Democratic far left liberal loons. People in this city breathe Fedulium-Arsenic-Radon-Tetrides (FARTs) in their air!
President Obama to Skip "The View" Interview
Obama asks former Secretary of State Colin Powell to sit in for him on "The View!" Press Secretary Gibbs said "Colin has more experience dealing with busybodies, having lived in the Bronx NY!"
Official Snack Food of the USA
President Obama, via Executive Order, makes Chicago style pizza official snack food of the USA. The food police, Michele & other snack food vendors object, but Barack said "heck I'm the president!"
Obama Appoints Chicago Pizza Czar
President Obama appoints a Pizza Czar to supervise 50 state Chicago pizza inspectors. The president said, "I just can't get a good Chicago style pizza when I travel and besides I created 51 new jobs!"
Crowd: Blow Some Our Way
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jerry Brown make first JOINT appearance!
Lots Of Secrets
Obama Hits GOP Over Bill To Expose "Shadow Groups" Obama Hits GOP Over Bill To Expose "Shadow Groups"! GOP Hits Obama Over Bill To Expose Birth Certificate!
Bad Day At Trial
Blagojevich Judge, Lawyer Clash; Jury Sent To Their Room Without Supper!
Kind Of Cathy Though
Clinton-Mezvinsky Wedding Details Emerge! Promises her mom that she won't name any daughter Monica Mezvinsky.
Hasn't Helped Taliban
Iran's Ahmadinejad Denies Aiding Taliban. "We have never helped them Now al-Qaida is different.
Talking Bout My Mortician!
With members of The Greatest Generation dying off daily and the Groovy Generation getting old plus the Gravy Generation dying younger, one might have their kid go for a degree at Mortician school.
You Keep You Vampires, Honey
"Woman Who Stare At Big Penises" number one again at the box office midnight specials.
Clintons Watching For Joe
Clintons afraid that Joe "You Lie" Wilson will show up at Chelsea's wedding and "Object" to the two getting married.
Pretty Big Hint
In an extremely out of character role at Disney Studios, Horney, one of the seven dwarfs has requested that his name be changed to "NINE of Seven".
Ed On The Spot
Mother Teresa had special message for Ed McMahon. Why didn't you bring some poor people in India some of your magazine sweepstakes loot?
Hardees Checkered By FDA
Today the FDA ordered Hardees to omit the word, "Food" from 90% of their products in ads in the future, until menus changed.
Michelle Obama and girls plan trip to Spain where they plan to watch the rain fall upon the plain.
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