Spoof news snippets from Sunday 25 July 2010
Gold discovered in mouth
Do you have gold filings? At a thousand $$ per ounce you may be brushing a Bahamas holiday.
"Some More Is Over Here!"
Police officer who has to draw outline for body that jumped from high-rise runs out of chalk.
Bush Library Is Now Open To Public
The George W. Bush Texas Library opening up with arrivals of bicycle, segway, jump suit, Saddam's head and complete collection of The Hardy Boys. Special space reserved for Bin Laden's balls in a jar.
Teamwork Gets It Done
Between Bush and Obama they can almost say "Mission Accomplished" as many of us eating at the missions.
Obama Almost Fulfills Promise
Barack Obama offered to treat everyone alike before being elected and 18 months later he has 90% of us broke.
Air Safer Implants?
Some doctors prefer women using air pockets to enlarge breasts as being safer, but warn about sudden loud fart sound during lovemaking.
Chavez Threatens Cutback
Venezuela's Chavez threatens to cut U.S. oil supply. U.S. threatens to cut Chavez air supply.
Polar Bears Rescued
Members of the Alaskan Polar Bear Club rescued from floating ice floe.
Cell Phone Drama
Crowd attending funeral in Dallas, Texas startled when corpse's cell phone rings "Jumpin' Jack Flash!" as he still had it in his suit coat.
Christmas In July
By having "Christmas In July" sales stores hope to escape the wild rampage on Black Friday over last year's big hit, Air Guitars.
Toughest One Yet
Good Morning America" will feature David Blaine next week who will try to survive for seven days in a room alone with Richard Simmons.
At Least It's Not Wo Ki
New Chinese ambassador Chu Baca can't understand what everyone is laughing about.
Report: Childhood chubbiness linked to new high caffeinated "Captain Chubby".
Bill Clinton Finds Money for Daughter's Wedding
Bill Clinton was worried about paying for his daughter until he realized he could legally get foreign contributers to pay for the expensive wedding.
Geithner Says Tax the Rich
US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner says to tax the rich, but he isn't worried about higher taxes because he doesn't pay taxes.
A Curse Upon Obama From Jeremiah Wright?
Barack, Michelle, and the kids say they enjoyed their vacation in Maine........with the Salahis.
Where was Barack Hussein Obama really born?
Mancuria claims that they have his birth certificate, and that he was their "candidate."
Probably Under It
Chinese police beat official's wife by mistake, then disappear from the face of the earth.
Raul Getting Ready
Raul Castro prepares Cuban Revolution Day speech by downing uppers for six-hour marathon.
Need A Translator?
"US holds drills off Korea as Pyongyang talks "ying yang ching chang" gibberish", says Secretary of State.
He Has A Memorized List
Guy at Johnson's Bar always tells new customers how many writers, artists, actors were also drunks.
"I Can't Handle This"
Guard calls for help last night as Lindsay Lohan talked to commode about her dad for two hours.
MJ Back As Fairy
Michael Jackson comes back as a fairy. Come to think of it, he left as a fairy also.
May Need Straight Jacket
New Drug Company says that Attention Deficit Disorder could be cured by using their drug if they..hey, listen. Shoot. Lost them. ADD! Cure! Just have to..oh come on!
More Bins To Put Out
British psychiatrists urge government to provide loony bins on the street also. Will be picked up once a month so feed them till they get there.
Tastes Good Too
Sales of penis pills down 50% over the past six months after the release of new drink, Dr. Pecker. "Good for ten, two and four.
One & Two & Fire!
Guy all fired up over doing jumping jacks after accidentally striking matches in his pocket.
Wolves, Reindeer & Grannies, Oh My!
Wolves and reindeer released in all fifty states. Washington reports say old widowed grandma's eating up our budgets.
No Man On The Moon
Many people still think the moon landing was a fake. "It was all filmed and played out by aliens."
Help From Hemp
Kentucky is trying to get permission to grow hemp to use to make things..like funny smelling cigarettes.
More Bad News
BP Oil executive: "I have more bad news. The oil blob is mutating."
Horoscopes - Pisces - August
Avoid men in yellow hats & you won't fall down that hole. Mid-August is a good time to go shopping for rabbits, whilst the start is a good time to ask for a raise
Volcano Blows Top
Volcano erupts on Mount Rushmore as Thomas Jefferson blows his top over what Bush/Obama has done to the country.
20,000 New Jobs
Obama claims jump in jobs as the government hires 20,000 more people to attend to the unemployed.
What About Those We Don't Know?
Missile test works! If we program intercepting missile and we know which way their missile is coming, we hit it every time, claims Defense Chief.
Can't Afford To Insult Saudis
Saudi Arabia to host next years Terrorist Summit, still claim they have none training there.
Hollywood Work Slowdown
Another Hollywood slow down or strike possible. Actors threaten to move in slower motion during films.
Undercover reporter highly embarrassed as street woman ahead of him and another guy in bread line accuses them of bumping into ample behind. "You need a beeper to back up", states homeless man.
Fartless Beans Recalled
Ponti white beans recalled after discovery that eaters can't fart. Sever already exploded, one on the way to hospital totals ambulance.
From Tripbase, astrological guidance for travelers. "Turn here for a handsome stranger."
Potter Showing Comeback, Penis
Harry Potter, completely nude on stage, preview draws big crowd at Comic-Con
Wish He Wouldn't Attend These
Favreau, Ford, Craig, Captain Fart surprise fans at Comic-Con
Sister monument to Stonehenge may have been found. Ovaryhenge should bring in even more tourists
Ancient Woman Migration
Ancient woman suggests diverse migration. Huge boobs led men to follow her.
GOP Versus Obama
Obama, GOP spar over how to revive ailing economy. Obama already has cauliflower ear.
Hayworth Seeking To Slay Giant
In Ariz. Senate race, Hayworth hopes to slay giant, also win Senate race.
Trying For Better Position
Reid rebounds but still faces uncertain future as whistle blows and he was caught pushing off.
Scuffle At Comic-Con
1 arrested in scuffle at Comic-Con in San Diego, apparently drunken Captain America.
Eastern Heat Wave
Eastern US cooks in summer heat, temps reach 100s. DJ frying eggs on sidewalk cooks brains to go with them.
Putin Now Singing
Putin says he met with Russian spies who were expelled from the U.S., joining them in a patriotic song and promising them good jobs and a bright future back in their homeland. "Where's the redhead?"
Whitfield gets look at library's new dogs. That should be "digs".
Average Age To Decreae?
President Obama's health care- "Cradle To Grave" a short trip.
Hospitals To Lose Staff
Group predicts major hospital revenue losses after reform of Obama's health plan. "I'm sure we'll be fine with half our doctors gone", states surgeon. "But I wouldn't come here if I were in a hurry.
BP boss Hayward 'negotiates exit'
BP boss Hayward exits ASAP but upon fleeing down nearby drainpipe finds himself in a very very hot place with poor sanitation and few amenities except embossed welcome card on pillow, signed 'S'.
Research Bing Questioned
Duke scientist's cancer research is questioned after lab assistant rats on him!
Quaker Drops Crotch
Quaker Company say they will drop their unpopular cereal, Captain Crotch.
Reid Future Uncertain
Reid rebounds but still faces uncertain future. However, why should he be any different from the rest of us?
Flooding In Midwest.
Floods close Chicago interstate, damage Iowa dam. Oprah, fat & full of air, floats to safety.
Deadly floods continue across mainland China; guy with really big boat issues tickets
Deadly floods continue across mainland China. Guy in Pingliang City previously considered village idiot now issuing tickets in twos to board really really big boat built with rubbish in his back yard.
Joint Military Exerxies Continue
US aircraft carrier leads drills with South Korea. No one spotted any nuclear weapons from NKorea yet.
Lars Recalls "Shittles"
Lars Candy Company has recalled all the "Shittles" produced during last three months. Some complain of stomach distress.
Need Some Pot Doc!
Medical marijuana to be OK in all 50 states as many beginning to feel a twitch.
Patient at Indianapolis hospital awakens during surgery, says he heard, "Harmony: Down By the old oil stream".
Oil Down Deeper
Ships head back to oil well, ready to resume work if they can find oil to skim.
Liverpool Lose Pre Season Friendly 1-0 In Germany
Hardly surprising. But we here at Skoob News didn't laugh. We didn't! Honest!
Irishman In Fight
Says he wouldn't have done it if people had just left him alone.
Ozzy Osbourne - The Rock and Roll Icon Truly Needs An Interpreter
Rock and Roll icon Ozzy Osbourne was interviewed by Rolling Stone Magazine and asked what his favorite all-time song is and the Prince of Darkness replied, "Ahhh, uggg, ummm, faaa, yeppp."
Kanye West Says He's Leaving The Country For Good...Good!
Kanye West has reportedly said that he wants to move to the South Pole where no one knows what a dumb, stupid, piece of penguin poop he is.
That Tom Cruise Is Really and Truly One Short Little Dude
Lovely Legs Magazine has stated that Stacy Keibler's legs are longer than Tom Cruise's entire body.
Where The Heck Is The Still-Unemployed Lou Dobbs?
Ex-CNN talk show host Lou Dobbs, who got to where he was sticking his foot in his mouth two or three times a week, says that his unemployment benefits are getting ready to run out.
Britney Spears Has Lent Mel "From Hell" Gibson Her Shoulder
Britney Spears says that her and Mel Gibson are just good friends and if he dares to even think about cussing or yelling at her she will kick him in his Australian onions in a Sydney second.
"Come On Baby..OWWL!!"
Stats: 75 percent of boomers who did the Twist in the early 1960's now need a hip replacement, including Chubby Checker.
The KKK Has Denied Mel Gibson Membership
The Ku Klux Klan said that Mel Gibson applied for membership but they turned him down stating the man is unbalanced, crazy, and one damn friggin racist.
Chaz Bono, The Guy Formerly Known As The Girl Chastity Bono
Chaz Bono, the fatty formerly known as Chastity Bono, was asked what the best part of being a man is. He replied, "Oh that's an easy one. The fact that I get to scratch my crotch for no damn reason."
...And The Winners Are Joan and Melissa Rivers
Joan Rivers and daughter Melissa Rivers have just been named Mom & Daughter Magazine's "Most Unattractive Mother and Daughter in America."
Missing girl found
Missing girl found after almost 13 years, unable to believe 'Friends' was cancelled.
New Obama Book
President Barack Obama says he will have a new book coming out this December entitled "The Audacity Of Winning A Nobel Peace Prize While On Vacation".
The Never Before Know Intimate Secret Regarding Sharon Osbourne's Crotch
America's Got Talent judge Sharon Osbourne has admitted that 20 years ago during a particularly rough lovemaking session, her husband Ozzy accidentally rubbed off her G-spot.
Would you Believe
The heart attack rate among Democratic far left liberals spiked this week. The ACLU announced they are not supporting the DISCLOSE Act, as the bill poses a limitation on free speech & association.
The Home Wrecker Known As LeAnn Rimes
LeAnn Rimes says that she does not appreciate being labeled as a 'home wrecker.' Okay Rimes, then how about if everyone just calls you a 'marriage destroyer' instead?
What a Bloody Mess
The Obama administration is looking more and more like Count Dracula blaming anyone, anything or creating any excuse as the American people storm the castle with their torches and pitchforks!
SML Reid is upset there will be no "Cap and Tax" bill this year to bring in more tax revenue to spend on Democratic far left wing liberal CRAPPO! Senator Reid may have to get a real job next year.
No Common Sense
A plane load of San Francisco CA professors on the way to a conference in NY said airport x-ray scanners are not safe & wouldn't use them. Conference location changed to Yemen, because of skyjackers!
New Medical Procedure
Doctors develop a rectal enema using a CO2 inflatable balloon. The procedure alleviates a malady of environmentalists who suffer from constipation, are full of s**t or just plain full of themselves!
Famous lady's lingerie retailer will now strip search all their female customers before they leave the Shoppe. There has been a spate of undetected shoplifting going down lately!
It's a Dud
N Korea fires a nuclear missile at S Korea and American military exercise forces. Weapon was a dud, landing in Pyongyang NK causing massive panic and 3.5 million cases of diarrhea!
I'm not a Crook (Been said Before)
Representative Wrangle wants the US House to bring on the ethics investigation. The Congressman knows he already has a job with a lobbying firm on K Street in Washington DC.
I Know Nothing
An out of work executive looking for a job in 2013 was interviewed by the BP oil company, but was turned down. The man a lawyer, former senator and chief executive knew nothing about economics!
I Can't Believe I Screwed up the Whole Economy
Obama blames the American people for the current economy. He claims they weren't paying enough in taxes, getting sick too often, giving out too many sub-prime loans & not inspecting oil drilling rigs!
Do you want Sprinkles on that?
Iranian woman's adultery trial is causing a large increase in demand for "Rocky Road" ice cream by Tehran's Mullahs.
Daring Hold Up
Woman holds up fast food restaurant using a brassier as a mask. Police get a description from the cashier, "she was about 30 year's old, 125 lbs, 5'10" tall and a braless size 38DD!"
President Obama is considering elimination of FANNIE MAE and FREDDIE MAC. Representative Frank and Senator Dodd liken this to getting rid of their favorite gigolo and lady of the evening!
Bigger is Better
Scientists say women's breast sizes are increasing naturally, without implants. Male scientists also indicate more hands on research is required!
"I Win Again!"
Opponent says that what he hates most in losing an argument to Don King is that he always wets his finger and chalks up an invisible point & then sticks it in a light socket to shake his hair at you.
Biden To Change Name?
Motivation speaker urges Joe Biden to change his last name. "Biden sounds like you're doing nothing but sitting on your ass while the Gulf oil spill goes on for months!"
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