Spoof news snippets from Friday 23 July 2010
JFK died of 'natural causes'
JFK's fatal head wounds were in fact caused by a rouge chilli pepper from some nachos he was eating as he toured Dallas in November 1963. Experts found they were hot enough to cause an explosion.
Three Trillion Tons Is One Big Margarita
Scients say 3 trillion tons of ice has melted since melted since 2002. Japanese blame whale farts. "Should be thinned out!"
President Busy, Busy!
President Obama busy, busy after Maine vacation. Planning new beer conferences, vacation on the Gulf as a gesture. May receive several gestures in return.
Joe The Plumber Back
In an effort to reach across the aisle, President Obama names Joe the Plumber, White House Maintenance Czar!
Not Really Prepared.
Scientific Panel seeks ways to avoid colliding with asteroids in the future. Thus far they have Dick Cheney with a shotgun.
Taliban Losens Grip A Bit
Taliban pass new woman's rights bill. "A woman has the right to choose which male will beat her!"
Latest from Al Gore: Ice melting at the poles could cause the earth to go naked in front of a masseuse!
A-Rod On Commercial
Alex Rodriguez and Madonna to team up on new Ballpark Franks commercials.
"Pssst Who Are THEY?"
The CIA has discovered a secret group among themselves that are so secret they don't recall starting it.
Obama Big Spender
New report shows that Obama the biggest spender since LBJ. Johnson did it for his party's "Great Society", where Obama is doing it for beer conferences and White House parties.
Amazing Test Performed
Scientists say that study shows that testosterone causes men to stare at women, as you lower it, their heads turn slowly toward football.
New Calif. Poll
Latest poll shows that Californians favor legalizing pot, being Republican illegal!
Keeping Eye On Pope
Very upset over story of priests in gay bars, a close watch is being kept on the pope as some fear he might excommunicate himself.
Hold Down Cost Of Stamps
The United States Supreme Court says it will set new rules for pyramid schemes. "After all, our post office could use a bi purchase of stamps for chain letters."
Elton John to bring Animal Farm to stage, including the leading jackass...Pardon, Sir Jackass!
Undwear As Masked
Oklahoma Police nab bandit who used underwear as mask. "We've got him by the shorthairs", says Sheriff.
Moore's Next Move?
Michael Moore to issue his own "Communist Manisfatso!"
Gay 'train' disgrace
Peter Tatchell is organising a continual 'chain' of gay men from Lands End to John O Groats involving more than 2 million 'fags' from across Europe. The police have warned of 'multiple' offences.
Moscow Having Record Heat
Moscow heatwave breaks record as kids play in sprayed water in the 65 degree heat.
Kerry The Cheat
Kerry Docks New Yacht In Rhode Island To Duck Massachusetts taxes. Tea Party on the way there with cameras rolling!
NKorea threatened the United States & SKorea with a "physical response" if they carry out military drills as planned on Sunday. Hillary Clinton said that she hoped it wasn't a Kim mooning once again.
Pope Moves Priests
ROME: Undercover reporter 'films priests at gay clubs, having casual flings'. Pope hands down judgment to move them to San Francisco.
Dog Life presented Dog Lies in new issue: #3 The tires on a moving automobile tastes just like rabbit.
In Case They Lose
CIA Warning: Tea Party has purchased 17 stealth bombers, 121 drone missiles.
Cosmopolitan, Man's Best Friend
Cosmopolitan Magazine runs out of Ways To Pleasure Your Man" after 1,278. Will start again with #1 in next issue.
That's My George!
Who am I? Man with no memory, found injured in city centre, makes desperate appeal to public to identify him. So far, over 3500 women have identified him as long lost husband.
Too Many New Ways
Armed Forces no longer have the cash to defend Britain, US from every threat, says Liam Fox. "Not that they ever did."
Girl's Aloud, Kimberley Walsh confesses.......
'I've only slept with two men', confesses Kimberley Walsh 'but shagged hundreds!'
Lacky Loses No-Hit Bid
Lackey loses no-hit bid in 8th, but Flunky comes to the rescue as Boston wins in 13.
Obama's On Coast
AP source: Obamas to vacation on Gulf Coast. Once everybody gets back from Maine vacation.
Actor Marries Model #2
Actor Orlando Bloom and model Miranda Kerr marry. Actors marrying models could set new trend.
Actor Marries Model
Actor Orlando Bloom and model Miranda Kerr curry.....marry.
Angelina Jolie says she was scarred by 'Salt', plus "it hurt by being rubbed into wounds."
MTV Most Gay
Study: MTV leads in showing gay characters on TV. Followed closely by "The Pansy Channel".
China Aloows Some Porn
Some Internet porn sites in China now accessible. "Fu Long's Foot-Binding mot popular!
"When You Wish..."
Scientists find most massive star ever discovered. Quickly wish upon it for more funding.
Stars Out Thars
Scientists find most massive star ever discovered. Makes our sun look like a lightning bug!
Hundreds Of Penguins Dead
Hundreds of dead penguins dot Brazil's beaches blamed on Jim Jones type penguin leader.
No Driller "Bit" Pun Intended
EPA hears from gas drillers, angry Pa. residents who say water system has been poisoned. "Just a little bit", adds drillers.
Sister monument to Stonehenge may have been found. Will be called Sheilahenge.
Equipment Failure Means We Got It Wrong
Equipment defect leads to reanalysis of gene study as chimps point out that genes were switched.
Bars Being Dropped
Meers Candy Company will be dropping their Bobbitt Ruth Candy Bars.
World Shares Up
World shares up amid confidence in recovery, whistling in the dark!
Stripped-Down War Measures
House pressured to pass stripped-down war measure as Pakistan sets new heat records.
Those Out Of Work Disagree
Obama acknowledges economic stress not so long ago. Perhaps, last week.
Attorney For Barefoot Bandit Speaks Up
Attorney: 'Barefoot Bandit' just an immature kid who loves to steal. "Couldn't even afford shoes."
Taliban Capture Recorded
Former Taliban spokesman captured in Afghanistan. So far, he's not talking.
Aids Rates High In Prisons
UN warning on AIDS in prisons. Free condoms will be handed to prisoner upon arrival.
Aids In Prison
UN warning on AIDS in prisons as inmates might get toothbrushes confused.
No One Lies Anymore
Ford posts another quarterly profit as sales climb. Call VP Biden a liar about statement that the government bailed them out. "I guess he misspoke again", states CEO.
Bunny On The Way?
Oil spill work on hold as Bunny approaches. I'm sorry, that should be "Bonnie"!
"I Hit Their Foot!"
Deputy cruiser hits pedestrian during chase. New deputy told that he was supposed to chase those on foot.
Flooding affects Drakes Creek near Bear Wallow, Kentucky washing away six old school bus homes. Luckily no one was home.
Airlines Broke Rules
Northwest Airlines didn't follow safety orders. Allowed fat people who's belly came against seat in front not to buckle up.
Cut Have Cut Pilot's Toenails Into The Quick!
Northwest Airlines didn't follow safety orders, allowed nail clippers aboard.
India's New Computer
India unveils prototype of $35 tablet computer. Actual computers to sell by 2012 gives Chinese plenty of time to bootleg.
Jazz Singer Ill
US jazz singer Al Capella critically ill in France.
US Wades (Steps) Into Another One
US wades into South China Sea disputes . Move could irritate China into closing our banks.
Taliban Spokesman Captioned
Former Taliban spokesman, Osama Bin Oprah, captured in Afghanistan
Former Taliban spokesman, Osama Bin Talking, captured in Afghanistan.
Ariz. judge raises the realities of poor border. I'b sorry, that should be "porous border".
Will Use 666
Wal-Mart, the Beast of Bentonville, to roll out electronic tags to track clothing: report.
Obama Getting Writer's Cramp Signing Checks
Checks are coming: Obama signs unemployment bill. "Anybody else need a check while I'm at it. They're from China."
U.S. issues travel alert for Kenya, citing al-Shabaab, bad kabobs!
Whale watchers recount bizarre yacht jump over the boat. "I think he's trying out for Sea World after hearing about oil slicks."
GOP Says Mistake #2996
Obama calls ousted USDA official to apologize. "Sooner or later I was bound to make a mistake and I almost made one here."
Tropical Storm Bonnie moving toward oil spill. Drivers leaving told that roads could be especially slick.
Bonnie Headed For Coast
Tropical Storm Bonnie moving toward oil spill. People on the coast to put on their slickers.
Deep Space Arachnophobia
Largest star ever discovered in Tarantula Nebula, with mass 300 times that of the Sun. Believed to be orbited by enormous planet inhabited by tarantulas 300 times more massive than those on Earth.
Beast Still On The Lose
Major effort to cap Roman Polanski's attacking teenage girls appears to be unsuccessful!
Russians Solve Pirate Problem
100 miles at sea, a mother ship launches a small boat full of pirates. Russians capture pirates sink mother ship and send pirates back to shore in the small boat. Maybe pirates get to shore or not!
USDA Leaked Email
A leaked email from USDA Secretary Tom Vilsack indicates that anybody that talks about the Shirley Sherrod resignation fiasco will be sent to the "funny farm!"
Someone has stolen 16 manhole covers from Baltimore city streets. Police are searching for a person with a large Tiddlywinks game in the backyard!
San Francisco CA Military Recruiting is Up
Recruiting for the military is up in San Francisco despite the anti-war protests at various universities. Analysts believe it is because a new regiment called "The Bloody Assholes" has been formed!
A person who recklessly spends money that he does not have available was once called a spendthrift. Now they call him Mr. President!
Obama Calls for a Bureau of Regulations
BOR is to make sure all other executive agency's regulations are properly regulated before the regulations, regulate the American people. The GOP hopes they get tangled up in their own underwear!
How did incompetent, ideological Democratic far left liberal politicians get into powerful positions in the Obama administration? A new scientific study claims s**t floats!
Hidden Microphones in Small Cars
Hidden microphones in the backseats of 2010 mini-electric cars record user's opinions! "Oooooooh, John do it again! Where are you Alice? I'm under Marsha, anybody seen Henry?"
Fish Oil's Good For You!
BP Oil to throw party for all you can eat oily fish fry!
100 To 0
Senate Republicans join Democrats voting to extend unemployment benefits, after wives have them to add Penis Lengths also.
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