Spoof news snippets from Monday 19 July 2010
Economy Up Some
New study shows that the Rich are spending again. Most of them are purchasing homes in Canada, Central America.
Another Record-Setting Season!
Detroit Lions trade their first seven draft choices this year for the Brooklyn Bridge.
BP Oil: Things Looking Better
BP Oil hopes to recapture some of their losses over oil spill with new movie: "Fishing Impossible" with Tom Cruise!
Shared dreams reported among friends
Increased unemployment has allowed more people to sleep in, and many are starting to report sharing dreams with friends. The phenomenon has been launching some dreamers' new careers. Studies to follow
Same Size, Extra Seed
Victim of "Bigger Penis" ad finds out from chemist that what he has been rubbing on is Miracle-Grow!
Everybody Cutting Back
Clown college having to cut down on number of whoopee cushion, pies to have only shaving lather, a sharing of big shoes.
IT's Gonna Be Rough!
Scientific study say there won't be enough adult diapers ready in time for learning of asteroid approach!
"Olly vamp, olly balls, a firer o belly Martin!"
Believers say Nostradamus foresaw big oil leak in the gulf, Twilight movie series and the death of Steinbrenner!
May All Drown If Caught In Downpour.
New All-French cable channel not doing well with newscasters and reporters having their noses in the air. However, the seem to like President Obama.
Three Days After He Got Here
Wealthy Nigerian who earned millions from scams of elderly Americans comes to the U.S. and purchases the Brooklyn Bridge!
Nigerians Getting Wealthy
A new poll shows that nearly 50% of all Nigerians have $50,000 in the bank, $100,000 of it being yours for a small up-front fee.
Troops Wecomed By Dr. Phil
The Pentagon has announced that all returning soldiers from Iraq and Afghanistan will be booked to see Dr. Phil to help them to readjust.
Already Have One In Mind
Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart say that if they do get married they want to adopt a highway their first year together.
A Natural Second Product
Dr. Scholl's introduces his new coffins that are lined for odor control and comfort.
Try Not To Happen Again
Mel Gibson officially apologizes for getting caught hating Jews and Blacks again.
Flower Kills Plant
Suspect claims he didn't plant it.
Some Good Shit!
Indonesia's top Islamic body says it may forbid followers from drinking the world's most expensive coffee - extracted from the dung of a civet cat - over concerns it might be unclean.
Wesley Snipes is now a "homofighter" and not a "vampire fighter" anymore!
The Blade has been sentenced to prison and has vowed to stop hunting vampires because he has to concentrate on keeping prison homos off his back, The Aryan Brotherhood refused to protect him, WHY?
Yorkshire Ripper fails with his parole claim!
The Yorkshire Ripper failed with his attempt for early parole, the Judge asked "why did you bother, you're not dead yet, only then will you be free."
There is justice after all!
Punk Pink falls out of ther basket!
Pink used to be punk and now she's a wannabee popstar and trapeze artist, whilst attempting to sing in a trapeze, she missed a note, swivelled and fell, maybe she should have remained a punk!
Police Warning about mistake about warning!
OH MY GOD!!................RRRUUUUUNNNNN!!!!!!!!
Argentina becomes the first Latin American country to legalise same-sex marriages nationwide
The civilized World welcomes Argentina, now their just waiting for America to understand.
The Netherlands get the 2018 World Championship Soccer
Full out cage fights between the CEO's of the beer companies will determine who will be the main sponsor.
Rooftop Bar Loses Another One
Another victim of Rooftop Bars over the weekend. Despite fence and barbed wire, thirty so far this year!
States Sue Feds
Five Great Lakes states sue feds over Asian crap. That should be "over Asian Carp!"
No "House That Ruth Built!"
In memory of George Steinbrenner, the Yankees will refer to their new stadium as "The Farm That Steinbrenner Bought".
VP Never Listens!
Vice President Joe Biden Responds to McChrystal's words before McChrystal can finish talking.
Pakistan's Elite Pay Few Taxes, Widening Gap. Unlike here in the United States.
Obama Wants More Jobless Benefits
Obama gets tough on jobless benefits as so many Demos expected to lose jobs in November.
DC Metro Changing
As D.C. Metro congestion grows, so does anger. An odd occurrence that has apparently never happened before.
Facebook Changing Everything
Facebook now have 500 million users. Now there's only two degrees of separation.
Obama Spending Madness Halted
GOP says they'll support extension of aid only if the bill is paid for, doesn't add to national debt. In other words, when pigs fly!
Some Drilling Remains
Concerns on oil seepage remain as buried oil pressures it's way out in dozens of small sea woodpecker holes.
The Washington Bureau
Post: Our government has built a national security and intelligence system so big, so complex and so hard to manage, no one really knows what the shit they're doing.
China Passes U.S.
China Passes USA as World's Biggest Energy Consumer. Today, 1,424,655,000 are watching 2,909,868,000 televisions.
Another W.H. Party
ANOTHER PARTY AT WHITE HOUSE? Tonight's will make 9 parties and 7 vacations. Meanwhile Americans down to eating their young.
President Obama's Mother-In-Law says that she's tired of hearing about her son-in-law's bungling. "After 20 years, you'd think I'd be used to hearing it", she stated.
Edwards Bald-Faced Liar
It was so hot in North Carolina yesterday that John Edward's wife shaved him bald while he slept. He's now on suicide watch.
"We Shal Overpay!"
Big march on Washington planned this fall over those people making over $300,000 per year being taxed. Police expect dozens!
World's Oldest Profession celebrates...I'm sorry, world's oldest person celebates..celebrates her 130th birthday.
Too Late Now!
Many lamenting after finding out that last month was the warmest June on record. "Why didn't you tell us while we could have enjoyed it?"
So Far, So Good
BP Oil reports that there has been only two more oil spills in the United States since President Obama ordered them to stop drilling.
All Gone To Look For America
Census workers through, back to counting the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Worked Till Death
Millions more to wait to 68 for their pension as government to speed up plans to raise age of retirement. "Could be 70 by the time most reach 68.
Try To Not Lt Him Go Free!
Releasing Lockerbie bomber was a 'terrible mistake', Cameron will tell Obama. "We'll give you Charles Manson", says Obama.
"Then I'll Drive It Myself", Says Blind Pasenger.
Muslim bus drivers, who don't bathe for weeks, refuse to let guide dogs on board because dogs are unclean.
Didn't Even Know It!
Power company tells customer she is dead. "I knew I had been losing weight", says customer.
Could Explain Tsunami
Indonesian Muslims told to change prayer direction after praying for 500 years toward Hades.
Inception Wins Big!
'Inception' earns dreamy reception with $60.4M, say writer had brilliant conception.
Just A Coincidence!
Scientists to make detailed map of Calif. coast during summer bikini season.
Very Slow Recovery
Economists say recovery continues, but usual snail's pace slows.
Depend On Government Handouts!
Independents, those made dependent, crucial to Dems' election prospects.
Obama, GOP Square Off!
Obama to GOP: Restore jobless benefits. GOP: Where are all the jobs you promised these people?
Clinton Charm Failing
Bill Clinton tries to win over skeptical Pakistan but lady won't even remove veil!
Obama Not Worried About Debt?
Obama to GOP: "Restore jobless benefits for another five years. We can print more money!"
What Have They Done To The Rain?
Gulf forecast: Cloudy with a chance of tar balls. Everyone advised to wear slickers.
Afican Union Opens
African Union opens summit despite twin bombings. Twins told to stay home.
Clinton Bargains With Pakistan
Clinton tries to win over skeptical Pakistan by offering more jobs as taxi drivers in NYC.
Watch That Seat!
Zsa Zsa Gabor having surgery to replace broken hip after sitting down too hard.
Is Picky Eating an Early Sign of Autism? It's according to what they have picked", says specialist.
Losing Big Everyday Buffets
Trim those sails at sea with a fitness cruise. Plan toi hit rough seas on the way home so passengers can lose what they have gained on the trip!
Mossad Fights Extradiction
Alleged Mossad agent fights extradition to Germany even though Germans say they would set him free, on the autobahn.
Nkorea May Steal Spotlight
North Korea expected to steal ASEAN spotlight, aim it on Kim and his new dance number.
SF To Change To Queer City!
San Francisco to change it's name to "Queer City" unless vetoed by Governor. "We will be voting no", states member of the Queer City Giants baseball team.
HIV Linked To Poverty
In US cities, HIV linked more to poverty than race. Also, more drug abuse, alcoholism. "This is really a surprise to us", says study leader, Ms. Rose Glasses.
"I'll Never Forget Whatever It Was!"
No autos on the autobahn: Germans party on highway. Winos fulfill their dreams of sleeping on the nation's busiest major highway.
No autos on the autobahn: Germans party on highway. 1200 bicycle pile-up reported on side road.
Alternate Routes Not Planned Well
No autos on the autobahn: Germans party on highway. However, farmers on side roads report that speeding cars ran over 300 cows and sheep.
Dreamliner Lands Safely
Dreamliner makes first overseas landing. "It did fine", states one passenger. "And we were afraid that it would be a nightmare."
BP Oil Cap Closed Today
Feds let BP keep oil cap closed for another day, despite leakage at well, from CEO's pants.
What's Wrong with this Vacation?
President Obama, sitting on a beach in Maine, advises Americans to vacation at gulf state beaches now that the BP oil leak has been stopped. The president plans to send Michele later this week!
Water Pipes Banned
Gaza's Hamas rulers have banned women from smoking water pipes in cafes. President Obama, House Speaker Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Reid are confused as to why women would be smoking plumbing!
Something Smells Bad Here
Democratic far left liberal loon Congressman wants to redefine marriage to mirror his own situation. That is, a civil union between his head and his ass!
Republicans Learn from BP Oil Leak Containment
Republicans want to place a permanent cap on the current Democratic Congress's disastrous spending spree to stop the hemorrhaging of American taxpayer money, before the flow bankrupts the country.
Nanny State Spending Phobia
A light rail train strikes woman, who walked into the train. Democratic liberal far left loons want $300 Bil to cover the right of way in a concrete tunnel. Make it $600 Bil, as also need overpasses!
It Ain't Broke Anymore, Don't Unfix it!
Custom-built cap finally cuts off oil flow from BP's broken well. US Government wants to release millions more gallons while connecting the cap to surface tankers to collect oil via a mile of pipes.
Health Care Reform bill requires all American citizens provide the federal government height, weight, BMI, penis length and breast size. There are now 325 million illegal immigrants living in the USA!
How Not to Make American Friends
Obama condemns double homicide bombing of Iran mosque as terrorist attack. Iran's Parliament Speaker says "Americans cannot make an excuse in this case; they were behind the terrorist act in Zahedan."
Former President Carter sent President Obama a telegram stating "at least when I made a nutty mistake in the Oval Office I had executive experience as being Governor of Georgia & was a peanut farmer!"
Environmentalists Recommend DDT
Latest environmentalist concern is rainwater runoff, solved by using rain barrels & artificial wetlands nearby. To quell mosquitoes breeding in the stagnant water, environmentalists recommend DDT use!
Democratic Foot-in Mouth Disease Rampant
The old "Madam" could be gone, if the Democrats lose the majority of seats in the house in 2010 elections. The Democrats have formed their usual circular firing squad (Mo Udall) to debate the issue!
BP Oil Leak Stopped
You know the $400 billion in stimulus money the US Treasury Department can't find? In typical Democratic liberal far left fashion, they threw money at the problem all in pennies!
2010 Election Democratic Party Campaign Theme
Why would Americans want to elect an inexperienced fiscally responsible Republican conservative, when an experienced arrogant, incompetent tax and spend Democratic liberal already occupies the set?
Most of GOP opposed to another stimulus package. "Our packages are stimulated enough!"
Critics Judge Movie
Critics agree that the movie "Cyrus" is one of the movies that came out in 2010!
Small Town Hero
Small town hero gets 19:11 minutes of fame. "The only thing that I know it could have been were all those dead nurses", says smiling John Brayne.
Oldest Opera Singer Dies
The world's oldest opera singer, Cantonese Opera star Luo Pinchao, has died. He was 98. Luo Hung on until a fat lady was found to sing to him.
New Computer virus brings up pornography, penis at random.
Finally Smarten Up!
Taliban Bomb-Making class finally figure out that each student needs to learn independently, at least 100 yards apart.
Gitmo's Special Request
Gitmo prisoners demand strip searches should Sarah Palin ever become Secretary of State.
Biden Brushes Off Talk, Hair
VP Biden brushes off talk of big Democratic losses in fall, several long blond hairs on his shoulder.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in Pakistan to bust her thighs! I'm sorry, that should be, to bolster ties.
PETA, ACLU Team Up
PETA hires ACLU to help protect pigeons rights to crap on statues, parked cars.
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