Spoof news snippets from Sunday 18 July 2010
She Gets Carried Away
House Republicans threaten boycott of every idea Obama ever has if Nancy Pelosi doesn't quit hitting them with that gavel.
Democrat Senator who has been supporting bill making all immigrants in the US legal citizens admits he has 50 on his small farm living in a barn.
But That's Not The Same
Anti-Gay Marriage Republican Senator admits he had sex with a chicken this morning.
Spock On Spice
Leonard Nimoy, who loves to cook, will have a new 30-minute show on The Food Channel called, "Spice, The Final Frontier"
Another Product Folds
Another thirty-minute infomercial off the air as not even a Billy Mays can sell Ronco's Electric Spoon!
Don't Drop It On Your Toe Either!
The new "5-Year-Old Fruitcake Diet" the latest craze. Comes with a warning about broken teeth.
Biden: Dems will 'shock' everyone. Everyone: Please NO More shocks!
If you can't forgive and forget
If you can't forgive and forget, then just pick one.
Obama: Let's Start Over!
President Obama says that all is forgiven with France over war in Iraq. US to go back to French fries, ticklers.
Employee Goes Postal
Local Postal employee goes postal. Threatens to raise the price of a stamp to $10 each unless demands met.
Guv Taking Minds Off Economy
Governor Schwarzenegger in order to take Californians minds of bad economy, proclaims August Ass-Grabbing Month!
Iran/US Exchange Warnings
Iran Guards warn U.S. of "fallout" over bomb attack. US answers, "You haven't seen fallout yet!"
No Anthrax Found
Chile finds no anthrax in ministry parcel. "Just common everyday rat poison."
Iranian prosecutor urges Islamic dress checks, to be sure there is a woman under all that fabric.
Merkel Woes Continue
Merkel woes worsen with loss of Hamburglar! That should be "Hamburg mayor".
Atheists thank The Gene Pool, Natural Selection for the oil leak being stopped!
South Africa's Oosthuizen Breezes Through British Open For First Big Wind...Win!!
Print Still #1
Study: Young people really aren't abandoning print. "Just look on Lindsay Lohan's fingernails while in court."
Brings In Thousands
Small town fundraisers once again relying on large crowd of Jackasses On Ice, Mule Hockey!
Hilton Not Guilty
Paris Hilton once again pleads not guilty of pot charges by reason of celebrity.
Wet Fourth Of July In Bear Wallow, Ky.
Parade crowd agrees that they all thought that a parade float could float, but scared horses prove otherwise.
Wisdom From Webb Hines
Bachelor scientist Webb Hines says that it's not true that "One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do". "I've enjoyed some very erotic times all by myself."
Some Pretty Funny
New study shows that once a person has had several facelifts, by the time they reach 90-95, their looks change to that of apple-faced dolls almost overnight.
Hardly Tell The Difference
Yesterday a man in Holland, Indiana sold a pancake on eBay that looked exactly like a flap jack!
"Hottest I Remember!"
World simmers in hottest year since the Ice Age, according to Larry King.
Ben Boring At Times
Old letter from John Adams shows that when Ben Franklin was introduced to others, he usually told them the same old crock, "Ben Franklin..all my life" although no one is listed that ever laughed.
It's Summer, RakeSnakes About
Stats: New statistics show that nearly 5,000 Americans a year die from brain injuries after stepping on rakes.
Something We Have To Say
Study shows that when workers at most places tell you to "Have a nice day', they're usually only being sarcastic, so a "You too" is appropriate.
Megan Fox: Ready For Babies!
Megan Fox is ready to have Brian Austin Green's Babies now that they're married and she has shown everyone where they will come from.
"What's That Smell?"
Study shows that over 75% of cars following grease-ran vehicle, pull into McDonald's the first time they see one.
BP: Everything Is Looking Brighter
BP Oil has announced that not only is the cap still holding but that the number of oil looters are down 50%.
Roman Polanski, a free man (again)
After 33 years of running from the police, Polanski has been cleared of all charges. The DA changed their accusations to lawful sexual intercourse with a minor, Which is in fact legal.
Rapper 50 Cent victim of economic downturn
Forced to change name to 44 Cent!
POLANSKI PARTIES AT SWISS JIZZ FESTIVAL! I'm sorry, that should be Jazz Festival!
Health Care Tax
OBAMA NOW DEFENDS HEALTH INSURANCE MANDATE AS A TAX! Who didn't see this coming?
Patient's Fright After Awakening
Patient in London hospital claims he woke up during operation & overheard, "Take Dr. Hahn out and for some quick coffee and brisk slapping to wake him up, please."
Now that's vintage! Divers find ancient champagne from 1780s on shipwreck in Baltic Sea. Believe christening bottle not breaking was what sunk the ship!
Britain Taken Over By Monty Python Sketches
Britain pays Calais migrants £3,500 to go home - before they even get here, as many more line up to move.
Should Reach A Decision Soon
Immigration Minister rules out British ban on burka. Will decide on banning of suicide bombers later.
Poor, Poor Old Moat
'Super Taser' police who shot Raoul Moat given just 10 minutes' training. Victim's relatives say they would have done it without any training.
According to Protocol
Liam Fox signals 2014 or even earlier is the pull out target for allies in Afghanistan. Turkey says they may go in next as they believe it is their turn.
He Was Already Dead
Gurkha ordered back to UK after beheading dead Taliban fighter. "Where's the fun gone to?", he asks.
Hey, Mecca's over that way, Mate!
Indonesian Muslims told to change prayer direction. Kangaroos can't answer your prayers!"
Tiger Behind Again
Woods faces 12-shot deficit heading to Open finale. Blaims wife for ruining clubs on his head.
For Those Who Have Acquired A'Taste
Warmest June on record, climate scientists say. Most roadkill can be eaten within an hour.
Another Fallacy Exposed
FDA cites quality problems at NY brain-imaging lab. "Just because a person's brain is bigger doesn't mean he's smarter", says Pin Head.
Could Hit Earth Any Time
25,000 new asteroids found by NASA's sky mapping. However, state that it could be only 20,000 moving around a lot.
Dutch male, Venezuelan female diplomats discuss differences.
New Ground Rules
Car bomb in Mexican drug war changes ground rules. Mexican President appeals to referees!
GOP, Dems Woo Voters
GOP, Dems woo wary voters in bid to control House. But most want to know: "Where's the jobs?"
Obamas Complete Vacation
Obamas wrap up weekend Maine getaway with an old-fashioned family beer conference!
Here's An Idea!
For US, ongoing battle against changing oil 'Blob' could turn into a movie.
Hamas bans women from smoking water pipes in cafes, creeping up and goosing husbands from walking behind him three paces.
Male Penguin Calls
Male Penguins' Calls Say 'I'm a Good Dad' 'Plus I'm hung like an ostrich!"
A 9.2 earthquake has hit the Henry's house down the street a couple of blocks. Houses on each side of 300-foot hole say they thought the bed shook a bit around 2AM.
Paul Defends Obama
Paul defends Obama's right to make Afghan calls! Many now saying that Octopus pushing it a bit!
Paris Hilton Caught
Report: Paris Hilton caught with marijuana. Career seems to be going to pot.
Earthquake In Alaska
Strong earthquake shakes Alaska island region. Polar bears on ice floes ask, "What next?"
Still Not At Rest
Obama girls tell parents during Maine vacation that they have met Lincoln's ghost again. "He says he doesn't like his profile on the penny."
Israeli Bill Disapproved
Benjamin Netanyahu said Sunday he fears the legislation making its way through Israel's parliament would create a rift in the Jewish world, where we have always had peace & agreement for 4,000 years!"
Bad weather For Rear Ends
Zsa Zsa Gabor hospitalized with broken hip, Kirstie Alley with a swollen ass.
Police: We've made mistake over warning!
Sorry.....He's not behind you. It was a shadow or something.
However, we must warn you about people behind you.......Oh my god! he's got an axe!!!!!!!!!!!
Drug Lord Captured
Feds nab alleged PR drug lord after 10-year hunt. Bribed police ask how they're going to feed families.
So hot that nudist colony using see-through "privates" shields!
Heat Affecting Many
Zsa Zsa Gabor hospitalized with broken artificial hip. Pelosi loses an eyebrow!
Change Daily, A Sad Comment
Suicide attacks kill at least ________ in _____________!
Hot Celebs Told To Turn Down The Heat
World simmers in hottest year so far. Female models asked to tone it down a butt...bit. See!
Hottest Year So Far
World simmers in hottest year so far as "Bald-Headed Men Frying Eggs On Their Heads" events spring up everywhere.
Still More Penguin Talk
Male Penguins' Calls Say 'I'm a Good Dad', 'That idiot after Batman is no relation to me.'
More Penguin Talk
Male Penguins' Calls Say 'I'm a Good Dad', 'I own a large paperback company.'
Male Penguins' Calls Say 'I'm a Good Dad', 'plus I's kind of sexy!'
Another Day Of Study
Scientists get another day to study Gulf spill cap. Amazed that something has actually worked this long.
Same As Russia 25 Years Ago
Clinton aims to refine goals of Afghan war as a tie in overtime no longer looks so bad.
Bristol and Levi Decide to "Do the Right Thing"
Brstol Palin and Levi Johnston announced today that they are ready to do the right thing regardless of what Sarah says. They are voting for a Progressive Democrat in the next Presidential election.
And Now The Unretired, Retired, Unretired Brett Favre
Brett Favre says he is so confused that he cannot remember if he retired and needs to unretire or if he has not retired and needs to retire.
Paula Abdul - The New Hannah Montana???
Paula Abdul is so desperate for an acting job that she even applied to take Miley Cyrus place as the new Hannah Montana. She was of course, turned down. The director said she was too short.
Kanye West Is Sure One Messed Up Brother
Kanye West said he has become traumatized due to the Taylor Swift microphone stealing incident. He says that whenever he sees a microphone he curls up in the fetal position and yells out 'Mommy.'
Jay Leno - The Man With Half a Dozen Chins
Jay Leno said that he missed three days of work last week because he had a chin infection. Since he is up in age Leno is seriously considering having a chin transplant.
Is It Britney or Is It Memorex?
Britney Spears says that if she is offered a new concert tour she promises not to lip sync.
The Old Material Girl Is Looking Like The Way Older Material Girl
Madonna has adamantly denied that she is 71. She says that there are those who say she looks it, but she is actually only 51.
Scientists say that the average American male thinks about Megan Fox five times every hour. That's one. That's two.
Still Laughing About It
Stephen Hawking claims that he sneezed last night and it messed with his vocal apparatus and made him sound like Tweety Bird for over an hour.
Paul Predicts Next Pope!
Paul the Octopus predicts the next pope will be named "Pope Reggie The First".
"So Then I Said..."
Vice President Joe Biden spoke for an hour and a half this evening before he realized that his mike was off and only a janitor was waiting for him to finish.
Ronald McDonald tells reporter that before he became a clown, he used to work on a farm owned by his elderly father.
Notes from a diary found in Missouri belonging to President Harry Truman reveal that Harry often went back to Missouri and allowed twin brother Gary to run the country.
Tapes Back Him Up!
Retired CIA agent says that code name for former President Nixon was "Air Blue!"
Al Needs A Woman
Al Gore all over Facebook and running personal ads in the newspapers looking for a woman.
Letter found from Pope John Paul II says that he saw a UFO, could be third miracle needed for him to receive sainthood, if collaborated.
Ready For Democracy!
Different groups in Iraq arming themselves heavily for whenever we leave.
Whistleblower turns in fellow whistleblower for taking a bribe not to blow the whistle.
If I Were A Carpenter
Bobby Darin, who sang "If I Were A Carpenter", had women coming out of the woodwork.
Steinbrenner's sons running Yankees on lower budget, find that paying umpires a lot cheaper than paying high ballplayer salaries.
Some scientists report that each summer gets hotter because each summer brings new skimpier bathing suits.
Another Rare One
Unknown until now: Male astronauts can only do four trips without coming down with "Shuttlecocks Disease".
New Disease Study
Study shows that Attention Deficit Disorder can be....spider on my arm.
Demos Scared About Fall Elections
Democrats tell Obama that if he's not careful he'll lose both the House and Senate in the fall. Obama: "I'm tired of Biden's mouth and Pelosi's Bride Of Frankenstein face anyway!"
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