Spoof news snippets from Saturday 17 July 2010
If Not Hijacked By Hamas
Palestinians get $52 million from EU. With Arafat gone, maybe some of the people will get help.
Biden Charged $219,000
Vice President Biden has been fined $219,000 for spending violations during his failed presidential bid, and a spokeswoman for Biden calls the ruling "commonplace." "Nobody plays by rules anymore."
Tapeworm Harvest Beginning
Fine print of Obama Health Care Plan on bottom footnote on page 10,566 "Every Obese person to be fed tape worm".
Fat's In The Fire!
Obesity Rating 'for Every American by 2014'. "Either shape up or be shipped out!"
Well, Gibson Holding On!
BP: No signs of new leaks in capped well. Mel Gibson: No signs of any new leaks from capped mouth.
More Tests Needed Say 400-Pound Researchers.
Scientists now say that obesity could be caused by a common McVirus!
China today recalled all their laundries in the United States. "Washee Your own Dim laundry!"
Susan Boyle Will Not Be Singing On The Island of Japan
Susan Boyle said that the reason she turned down an offer to tour Japan was because she hates chopsticks.
Jessica Simpson Is Still Pining Like Hell For Cowboy Quarterback Tony Romo
Jessica Simpson was asked if she still misses her ex-boyfriend Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo. Jess replied that she does, but then she goes to sleep.
Adam Lambert Says That Elton John Is Extremely Gay (Duh!)
Adam Lambert was recently asked if he thought that he was gayer than Elton John. Lambert laughed and said that not even Elton John was gayer than THE Elton John.
Paris Hilton Begs Larry King To Allow Her To Appear On His Show
Paris Hilton asked Larry King if she could appear on his show to show America that she has not gone into the 'witness protection program.' Larry reportedly said, "Thanks, but no thanks bitch."
The New Quiet As A Mouse Rev. Al Sharpton
Reverend Al Sharpton says that the reason he is keeping such a low profile is because Vice-President Joe Biden paid him $500,000 to keep his big, fat, friggin mouth shut. Now that's "Hush" money.
Eastwood Into Cologne's"
Clint Eastwood releases his own line of men's cologne & aftershave, "The Cologne With No Name".
Messed At Both Ends
Police in New York City say the are fed up with hauling in drunken bums. "Plus it didn't help any that they came up with this cheap 'Prunes Farm' Wine."
Kent Wells & Llandrindod Wells Are Not Related
Kent Wells is BP's senior vice president of exploration and production.
Whereas Llandrindod Wells is a spa town in Wales.
Daly Going Back To Mullet
Golfer John Daly says that his new haircut didn't help a bit at British Open. "I'm going back to "Mullet City".
Alley Having Surgery?
Actress Kirstie Alley admits that she has a weight problem an may have her stomach stapled, only she called it, "Cutting out the middle man & going straight to the bottom.".
Gore In Hospital
Former Vice President Al Gore has been hospitalized in Knoxville, Tennessee with a stomach virus or as Gore says, I'm going "green" by reducing a load of solid waste.
"I'm Sure It Was Important At The Time!"
Scientists say they have made an important breakthrough in the study of marijuana. But none of them remember what it was, nor can they understand writings "Mula Pull bone leaper net! 100%!"
Must Have A Lot Of Miles On IT
Stats: A car in the United States is stolen every two minutes and 44 seconds. No one knows why this car is so popular.
Voted the All-Time winner of all survivor episodes? Osama Bin Laden! Second place goes to Fidel Castro.
Costed A Fortune In Batteries
Sex toy bought at Sex Toy Party still back there in a bedroom somewhere.
"Man's Best Friend" in doubt as second pair of $200 Nike shoes chewed to bits!
Don't Know What You've Got Till It's Gone!
"They took all the jobs and put them in a job museum, then they charged the people a dollar & a half just to see 'em."
Tickets Are A Quarter Each
Thousands gather in Detroit once again to see where the United States once made cars.
Lies Lies Lies!
Politician admits that he lies awake at night and sometimes, even in his sleep.
Line Up The Rubes!
Michael Moore says he's completely rested, needs more money so he's taking a long look at the oil spill to see which group will pay $10 for tickets to another documentary.
Cannibal chief tells young smartass, "I eat punks like you for breakfast!"
Hawking questions modern language
Stephen Hawking says US-led phenomenon of finishing all sentences like a question will kill off questions as we know them. "It's bad grammar!*#" ,he said without any intonation or variation of pitch.
The porn industry has been cited for making obscene profits!
CNN, Democrats In Conference
CNN and Democrat Party in conference as the two may merge by October of this year.
Will Search For Male Hideaways
United States to test all-woman submarine this October!
Fifth Speech In Ten Days
Fidel Castro appears again, warns of war between "Opplenopedy and Fluiristan."
It was so hot around the nation today that Obama addressed a quick press conference in Maine in his boxers.
Scientists that discovered dozens of new species in the Indonesian jungle three years ago, say every single one tastes like chicken.
Over 300 Million!
U.S. Census confirming that there are well over 300 million people in the country. So, don't give up on getting a woman yet.
Another Gap Widening
Psychiatrists say that gap between Mars men and Venus women widening.
He's Never Wrong!
Paul the Octopus says that there's some kind of shit going down on this spy-swap deal!
North Korea launches still another missile into the Ocean but at least 100 miles beyond usual spot.
Paul The Predictor
Psychic Octopus, Paul, says that BP Oil spill thing not over with yet!
Bed Bugs Bite Victoria's Secret Models
Bed Bugs Hit VICTORIA'S SECRET! Film of models trying to shake them off selling for $100 per copy.
Schwarzenegger Sends Troops!
Schwarzenegger Sends National Guard Troops To The Border...of Arizona.
Green First Family?
GETAWAY: First Dog Bo flew in on separate jet than the Obama family. "Just in case there was an accident."
7th Obama vacation draws GOP rebukes. "He's even worse than George Bush."
John Edwards Film
Sorkin to direct John Edwards film. Edwards to be played by Meryl Streep right after role as Thatcher.
Not The Hottest Summer
Meteorologist disputes hottest summer on record: Weather stations placed in warmer urban areas by then VP, Al Gore!
Philly Lost For Good?
Philly Mayor orders Rolling Firehouse Closures To Ease Budget Woes. Whole city burns to the ground.
Came Out Wrong
Mere's Candy Company to recall all the boxes of Milk Dudes!
Pelosi On $1,000 Bill?
Having Nancy Pelosi's face on the $1,000 bill not objected to by Republicans. "It would be almost impossible for anyone to counterfeit!"
Libs Living In Movieland Again
Margaret Thatcher children appalled at Meryl Streep portrayal of mother as dementia-addled. "It's Streep that has the dementia!"
Post Cereal Company has announced a recall of all boxes of "Banana Butt Crunch!"
St. Josephs Sued
Patient in St. Joseph's Hospital claims that he was awake during part of his operation. Claims he overheard, "Hey! He was a twin!"
Iraq Getting Ahead
Iraq situation seen as making head way after beheadings drop from 100 to 2 per year!
President Obama, frustrated that after years of calling Bush blind for not finding Bin Laden says he can't find him either.
Clapton Purchases Plot
Eric Clapton purchases small burial plot between George Harrison and his wife.
Woman with TWO wombs falls pregnant with babies who are not twins due a week apart, father by sperm from ten men.
Bad Eggs Eat Bad Eggs!
Prisoners 'poisoned' by bad egg mayo sandwiches set for £500,000 compensation windfall. Warden, guards say they are sick too.
Judge Gets Serious
At last, a judge who believes that prison DOES work... as he jails a prolific drug addict thief murdering ten-time killer.
BBC Cuts Costs
The BBC television licence fee cut under the Government's public spending austerity drive, the Culture Secretary has warned. "You'll be mostly getting Benny Hill reruns for the next ten years!"
Cameras, Sound Detectors Out There!
Motorists face being hit by a massive increase in fines to plug a black hole in the coalition's spending commitments. New fines include sneezing or farting while driving.
Blew #3 Tee-Shots Into #2 Cup.
Players at the British Open in Scotland admit that they are getting a little winded over the weather there.
MP Refuses Meeting
Tory MP refuses to meet Muslim women while wearing burkas. "I'd look ridiculous wearing one of those."
Summer holiday hell for 16,000 Britons stranded abroad as UK tour operator collapses. "Probably should have said something earlier", states leader.
Obama's Head In Maine
Obama's head to family weekend on Maine coast. The rest of him still at White House.
Bieber's Baby #1
Bieber's 'Baby' is most-watched video on YouTube. "Mel's Tales" comes in second!
FDA Panel Rejects New Weight Loss Products
FDA panel rejects experimental weight loss pill, lip staplers!
Outback To Be Investigated Further
Cave of marsupial fossils discovered in Outback. Restaurant inspectors say it's the worst they have even encountered.
Warmest June on record, climate scientists say. Record number of June brides already widowed after new husbands shoot their wads on honeymoons.
25,000 new asteroids found by NASA's sky mapping as they immediately go home and build asteroid shelters.
"Here's Your Money!"
Banks eye higher fees to boost declining revenue. No more free 'You have a great day'.
New Bank Fees!
Banks eye higher fees to boost declining revenue. Window cashier at drive through will wear lowered top for surcharge on cashing checks.
Banks Looking For New Fees
Banks eye higher fees to boost declining revenue. Issue new fee for big smile at drive through window.
Don't Get Enough Oxygen
Short-snouted dogs face greater air travel risks, also chimps that play with themselves a lot.
"It's Nice Down There!"
Obamas continue busy Maine holiday promoting Americans going to Florida for vacations.
Iroquois Team Bows Out
Iroquois lacrosse team bowing out of UK tournament. Leader: "We will play lacrosse no more, forever!"
Iran Mosque Bombing
Police say they have detained 4000 after Iran mosque bombing.
Berkeley prof: 'Mystery plumber' may have designed the new BP containment cap. Was it Joe or Watergate specialist?
Lot Of Legroom!
94 charged in Medicare scams totaling $251M. One patient had to have her leg removed 54 times.
Blows His Cool In Maine
Obama slams GOP for obstructing economic progress. Gives 'Red Ass" speech from Maine.
Apple Shows Defects
Apple CEO on new antenna problem: 'We aren't prefect'
Starting Too Young?
An early taste of kindergarten as one-year-olds get backpacks for starting school next month.
Like George On Seinfeld!
For anyone who has ever thought Charles Dickens was lurking inside his or her prose, a new website claims it can find your inner author. Most say, however, that their inner author is an idiot.
Clooney Is Cool
George Clooney radiates cool on witness stand. "More like him needed to stop global warming", says Al Gore, who apologized blowing his cool several times lately.
She's Taking It "One Day At A Time"
Lawyer: Lohan staying at substance abuse facility in order to dry out before jail sentence. Jail sentence won't do much good if she doesn't know where she is.
Obama Slams GOP
Obama slams GOP for obstructing economic progress. "They're trying to keep us from borrowing to pay off our debts!"
New Heat Records
World simmers in hottest year so far...or is it me?
If You Think This Is Bad...
World simmers in hottest year so far. However, old timer, a Neanderthal, motions that this is nothing!
Could Have Been Stopped After One Week?
Berkeley prof: 'Mystery plumber' may have designed the new BP containment cap. "They finally listened to what people were telling them."
94 charged in Medicare scams totaling $251M. One medicare case received 4400 claims filled. Tells investigators, "I was REALLY sick."
A Little Behind Times
Clinton off to Afghanistan as war fears rise. "War could break out here any day now", states Secretary of State.
Mexican War Out Of Control
Car bomb signals new dimension to Mexican drug war as al-Qaida offers to send suicide bombers.
People Not Happy
BP, scientists try to make sense of well puzzle, hoping that continued rumbling underground & in the Gulf population isn't building up more pressure as no one really knows what happens next.
They're not so smart
Study: Plants transmit and record information with electrical impulses similar to those in our own nervous systems. Still barely able to outperform U.S. students in standardized tests.
He just can't shut up
Earth's thermosphere, which blocks harmful UV rays, recently shrank so much that researchers could not explain it. Now attributed to Rush Limbaugh stopping to take a breath for first time in 43 years.
Steve Jobs Announces Fix for iPhone 4 Glitch
Apple's Steve Jobs announced today that frustrated iPhone 4 owners are now going to have a solution to the antenna problem. The fix has been aptly named "The Rubber Buggered iPhone Bumper."
The Obama administration claims the stimulus money has saved 2.5 to 3.6 million jobs that former VP Al Gore has squirreled away in his lock box!
We're all Going Green
Raw sewage backed up into a home after sewer crews repaired waste lines in an environmentally friendly manner. Work crews caused the problem when they disposed of their green beer cans in the lines.
Health Care Reform Pays Off
The White House is the residence of the US head of state. At the other "end" of Pennsylvania Avenue is Congress, where in November 2010 Dr. American Public will be administering an enema!
The Dipsy Doodle
Some economists are predicting a multiple dip recession that looks like a finger pointed directly at the White House!
Americans are Smarter than Congress
Wall Street banks' earnings didn't meet expectations. Americans are very pessimistic that the Wall Street Reform bill gives Congress more taxes to spend & are keeping their savings in tin cans
Presidential Lexicon II
The Obama administration is still dysfunctional. The word Obama in Hawaiian also means: oil spill politics; bailouts; an ideologue who ignores facts; medical incompetence; and at sea without a paddle.
The Obama Administration Executive Head Shed
Never held a real job; trip over tall buildings; wet their pants; smell like bulls; get hit by locomotives; slower than creeping snails; got hands in your pockets; & got hands in your underwear!
Crime and Punishment
A bank robber shoots himself while fleeing from police in a botched robbery. The criminal's lawyer plans to sue the city and its police department for negligence!
New Weapon Deployed
A ship from Oregon carrying banned Coke and Pepsi to a parched San Francisco CA populace turns back to Portland. The Captain says SF bay was seeded with vertical sticks tied to small round sea mines.
Regulations for the Regulators
A Congressional bill to regulate laxative manufactures has met with stiff resistance from the Out House. Oops that should have been the White House!
Wall Street Reform Bill to be Amended
The recently passed Wall Street Reform bill will be amended to include Sperm Banks. Congress watching pundits can't believe the dick-heads missed a chance to regulate these kinds of deposits!
A New Ice Age
House Speaker Pelosi thinks President Obama is doing a good job. The BOTOX treatments have frozen her brain as well as her clown-like facial expression!
President Obama Takes Credit for Stopping BP Oil Leak
My walk on a gulf beach, my MMS being incompetent & my EPA dragging their feet has allowed me to once again to stick my hands in the American people's pockets for my Dem. far left liberal agenda!
Maryland's Democratic Governor
Maryland's governor is using deceptive ads in his reelection bid. An earthquake shook many Marylanders awake, spurring political talk about the significance and timing of this act of providence!
Maryland's Democratic Party Blames Bush Tax Cuts
The Maryland Democratic Party blamed the recent earthquake on Bush's tax cuts. The Maryland Republican Party called this bogus statement a significant political wakeup call for all state Republicans!
Presidential Primary 2012
The press and pundits make headlines about Sarah Palin challenging President Obama in 2012. But there is also another woman after the president's ass, her name is Hillary!
Obama Administration Short of Money
There was a For Sale sign outside the White House. A nice young couple named Bush stopped by to look at the property and deemed it a "fixer upper in a couple of years!"
What Did He Say?
The global economy is at risk of folding in on itself unless policy makers check inflation inflexibility & exchange-rate inflexibility, according to some egghead trying to ruin our weekend.
Gore On The Move
Al Gore seen visiting Dick Cheney's old "Undisclosed Location" at Hooters in Maryland.
Old Saying Untrue
Barrel of monkeys no fun at all say gang. "Every one of us got bit, or were hit, by shit!"
Judge orders gag order to everyone in court as dug-up corpse's injuries displayed before jury.
Man Have Overstepped Boundary
Nickelodeon warned about "SpongeBob Squarepants Goes To Clean Up Patients At Women's Hospital" episode.
New Think Tank say they worry about widening gap between the wealthy and Think Tank employees.
Wheat field creamed by sudden heavy hail storm. Cream of wheat now on sale at half price at local groceries.
A Really Severe Case
Astronaut with severe hemorrhoids makes first US space landing while standing up.
Gifts For Guards
The ACLU is demanding that feeding prisoners day-old doughnuts is cruel and unusual punishment, so guards are free to take them home for their families.
Amy Winehouse, Humanitarian!
Amy Winehouse today received a special award from a family group, for providing so many reporters with enough weird news to feed their mates and children.
Earthquake in DC
Mild earthquake in the Washington, DC area caused one man to say that his bed seem to race across the floor but admits that he might have been drunk.
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