Spoof news snippets from Friday 16 July 2010
Police Issue Warning Regarding Warning Of Warning
If you ignored the last warning, please don't ignore the warning before that one........oh my god! he's behind you!!!!
Bad headline number 62:
Cemetery Allows People to be Buried by Their Pets
Now It Begins
BP executives say they have 'no memory' of any oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico!
Obama Pledges Ten Billion
President Obama pledges over 10 billion dollars to be spread around so people will quit worrying so much over everything.
Cuba Loosening Up!
Cuba travel rules, Fidel Castro's fatigues, loosening.
Hard Name To Remember
Would you take one of those, oh, you know... Alzheimer's test!
Byrd Replacement Named
Senator Byrd replacement pecked! I'm sorry, that should be 'picked'!
Still Singing Little Song!
Don't worry, Bobby McFerrin's still happy, in his home at Happy Valley Group Shelter.
Witness: Something Wiggled
1.6-magnitude earthquake barely strikes Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania!
8,345 Times Mother Has Hugged Him!
Japanese man can recite Pi to 83,431, but can't remember girlfriend's telephone number...because he has none.
"Come On In, Honey!"
Lindsay Lohan's fingernail message to judge got through. She's to be the cellmate of Big Alice!
Sounds Like A College Course For Basketball Team
Cher's daughter, Chastity has her fifth operation to become a male. This one is Penis Appreciation Enhancement.
Gibson to explode
Mel Gibson has announced that he will blow himself up next week. "I've had enough of this bullshit and, to be honest, I deserve it."
Mel's Book Now Well
Mel Gibson's book, "Why The **** Can't We All Get Along" now at #12,988 of bestsellers.
Sarah Palin catches hubby looking out their window at redheaded Russian spy.
Should Benefit Mankind?
Swiss solar plane makes history with round-the-clock flight, hailed by US. Now we can make attack drones that fly noiselessly.
Loss Of P In Auckland
Five million dollars worth of P seized in Auckland. Ladies rounded up and sent back home.
What's the secret of your success?
Asked how he had he had advanced over the years in the political sphere, Chancellor Osborne, 38, replied: "I started off years ago with no ideas, nothing - I still have most of it left"
New bionic legs will help armless man romp around like a horse!
A One-Pipe Problem
Pipe smoking pensioner fined for dropping matchstick which burned his finger. "Good thing Sherlock Holmes doesn't live today", he tells Officials.
BP Employee Replaces Indian
'Homophobia is rife in public life and gays are forced to hide their sexuality', says ex-BP employee who will replace Indian in Village People.
Parent's Ashes Lost
Parcelforce lost my dead parents: Couple's ashes binned after going missing on way to final resting place. Will not settle for memorial at dump.
2.5 Million Withdrawals
More than 2.5m Muslims threaten to leave Facebook after four Islamic pages are taken down. So, what's the problem? Next time they will insist all wear veils.
Unmasked, the single mother behind sick online shrine to fugitive gunman, plans new one "Pol Pot Was Hot!"
Unmasked, the single mother behind sick online shrine to fugitive gunman. Plans new one, "Hitler's Heroes".
Horny Llama, Couples
Eager male llama chases female onto highway. Dozens of couples in autos head for nearest motel.
Eager male llama chases female onto highway. Stopped couple in car say that was the biggest HUMP in the road they had ever seen.
Airline Fees Flexible
Airline fees make it hard to shop for best deal. Now they're measuring size of your feet.
Pulitzer prize win for 'Bureau'
This prolific 'snippet writer' is nominated for services to cheering up spoof news readers!
Google Earth Viewers Up 50%
Website, Google Earth offer 3-D views of Hawaii. tail twisting dancers.
Obamas Remain In Maine
Obama's Maine island long visited by rich, famous, those fearing tsumani on the Gulf Coast.
'Bullet' Fetches Large Sum
Roy Rogers' dog Bullet fetches $35K at NYC auction, after record sale of Trigger. Dale up next!
Gibson Recordings Out
Detectives get recordings in Gibson custody case. Learn a total of 11 new words.
Prescription Drug Abuse
Gov't says abuse of prescription meds skyrocketing! "What did they expect from we Boomers? It's not like we didn't warn you for 40 years!"
Whoa! Try Mixing These!
Government says abuse of prescription medications, patients, are skyrocketing
No Out Of Pocket Expenses
Some preventive care to have no out-of-pocket cost. "No, you'll need to get a bank loan for these."
FDA Rejects Diet Pill
FDA panel rejects experimental weight loss pill. "Only weight loss will be for your billfold."
But It Works
FDA panel rejects experimental weight loss pill as volunteers taking it notice heads are shrinking.
Gulf Spill Altering Food
Scientists say Gulf spill altering food web. "They get used to this oily taste, we'll have to spill some every so many years."
Well, It Helped Overall
Sea turtles rescued from Gulf spill released, snapped up by hungry sharks, gators.
Cave of marsupial fossils discovered in Outback, behind big sacks of Bloomin' Onions!
Warmest On Record
Warmest June on record, climate scientists say. Show television audience warped record.
European stocks up as euro heads to $1.30 against dollar, meaning less US tourism, purchases this year.
Mattel 2Q net income more than doubles after coming up with brand new set of adult toys.
Mattel Income up!
Mattel 2Q net income more than doubles, after toying around with a few figures.
Bank Of America Doing Fine (Print)
Bank of America earns $2.78B in 2nd quarter after new $100 a year fee to keep up with customers accounts, $500 penalty for major withdrawals.
Obamas In Maine
Obamas head to family weekend on Maine coast, right after Stephen King family and Jessica Fletcher move out for a few days.
Goes Down Smooth & So Will You
Ethanol industry scrambles to keep incentives, sell a little on the side to groups in East Tennessee, Kentucky mountains.
More Asteroids Discovered
25,000 new asteroids found by NASA's sky mapping. That makes 200,000 wandering around out there, enough to give you the heebie jeebies!
Why Does Everyone Want Me?
Abductee or defector, nuke scientist back in Iran yesterday, abducted by aliens overnight.
Can't Make Up His Mind
Abductee or defector, nuke scientist back in Iran. Now claims that he has been abducted by Iran.
Minor earthquake rattles the DC area. Blamed on the movement of too many Fat Cats at the same time.
Gremany, China Wheeling & Dealing
Germany, China sign billions of dollars in deals. "What else are we going to do with all these dollars?"
But Avoid Horses
Sniffing insulin may help memory lost to Alzheimer's. Sniffing glue could bring in a lot of new memories.
Not Telling Full Story?
Obamas head to family weekend on Maine coast. "We're getting as far away from Florida mess as we can get. But you all can go down there for vacations."
Or, On The Other Hand
Gulf geyser stops gushing, but will it hold? BP thinks so, yet it could cause ground to explode sending Tsunami toward cities on the Gulf Coast!
BP Hedges Bet
Gulf geyser stops gushing, but will it hold? BP says yes, but still could cause chain reaction underground that would split the United States into!
Lucille Ball's Daughter Upset #2
Lucille Ball's daughter trying to stop auction as Desi's drums, Fred Merts pants second to go on the block.
Lucille Balls Daughter Upset
Lucille Ball's daughter trying to stop auction, as Lucy's 100 red-head wigs the first to go on the block!
25,000 new asteroids found by NASA's sky mapping group, who go around ducking their heads.
Airstrike Kills Taliban Leader
NATO airstrike kills Taliban commander, police say. 112th leader killed thus far this year. On course for a record!
Russia Duma's OK more power for security service, according to their leader, a 'Ding-Dong Daddy'!
Kid Made One & It Sold
New hobby breaks out as Horse-Apple faced dolls may be the big hit for this year's Green Holiday gifts!
Apple faces music on iPhone flaw but recall unlikely. "You can always make an 'apple-faced doll from them", says rep.
Ancient Species Rediscovered
Ancient species discovered in Barrier Reef depths as sabre-toothed tigers somehow learned to breathe underwater.
Hey I Recognize That!
Sniffing insulin may help memory lost to Alzheimer's. Also, in males, sniffing wife's privates.
Weight Gain In Elderly
Excess Weight in Older Women Linked to Diminished Memory as too many brain cells mostly fat. "Must Eat Fat" zombies being created.
Old Ship Discovered
Ship junked 200 years ago uncovered at WTC site. Bodies of several aliens found aboard.
Iranian Scientist Popular Here Too
Iranian scientist was CIA asset for years: New York Times. Appeared on Letterman with Top Ten 'What If Mahmoud Was Ruling The World?"
Iranian Scientist Back In Iran
Iranian scientist was CIA asset for years: New York Times. "Often seen on Oprah, spilling his guts."
Thoughout His Ordeal!
Iranian scientist was CIA asset for years: New York Times. Was guest of honor at many Yankee games.
BP Adds More Trouble Possible
Gulf geyser stops gushing, but will it hold? BP thinks so.
"Of course, the ground around it could explode!"
Oil Leak Finally Capped Temporarily
BP says the cap is holding the oil at bay but not sure if the oil underneath is going someplace else. There are reports today of oil gushing from geysers at Yellowstone Park. No connection they say.
We Are Responsible
Previously unknown group claims responsibility for not knowing about anything that might have happened today.
World Ended Yesterday
- some parts not yet affected
Rove To Run?
Rumors circulating that Karl Rove may run for President in 2012. Rove was known as "Bush's Brain" just a few years ago. Not sure that "Bush's Brain" would make a good campaign slogan!
Gore On The Loose
Scruffy-looking Al Gore says he had the right to look into your bedroom window to see if you and the wife were adding to global warming. Were you?
Bum Twats Tits
A vagrant has been apprehended by RSPCA officers on Hampstead Heath for throwing bricks at a nest of bluetits.
Sperm Bank Hold-Up
Man holds up sperm bank in California. Demands $100,000 "or a lot of innocent little babies are going to wind up looking like David Crosby!"
Martha Back In Hot Water!
Italy, cracking down on the mob, say they now have direct links to Martha Stewart!
You Have To Make Do!
Since Kentucky Airports cannot afford scanners, a guard always sneezes and listens closely to hear if anyone says "Allah bless you!"
Some Kind Of Warning
Hustler Magazine offices closed after secretary receives threatening letter and flattened pickled penis.
"Not Many Winners"
GOP shows film of Democrats driving old Republican voters to Las Vegas to "Pull Voting Handles".
Bin Laden Hires Lawyers
Osama Bin Laden hires Roman Polanski's attorneys right after the recent decision not to deport Polanski to the US.
Mel Could Be A Chart Climber
Friends(?) say there is no truth that Mel Gibson's recent tirades will wind up on a rap CD.
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