Spoof news snippets from Thursday 15 July 2010
Guard at maximum security prison says that Shoe Bomber talks into shoe all the time..to someone he call's "Agent 99".
Gore After BP
A half-mad Al Gore demanded that BP Oil do a recount on the number of barrels of oil leaked thus far.
Off To A Bad Start
Cheer, Then Gloom, on Talks for Peace Deal in Mideast as PLO, Israeli reps refuse to acknowledge other is in the room.
After Kurd Oil
A growing list of former American diplomats & military officials are now chasing opportunities in the oil-rich Kurdish region. "You have to treat these Kurds in a certain whey", says spokesman.
An unexpected leak left oil still flowing into the Gulf on Thursday morning and BP unable to go forward with a critical test. Also, a bear attacked the crew.
Afghans To Police Themselves
After intensive discussions with NATO commanders, the Afghan government approved a program to establish local defense forces around the country. "This has always worked in the past", they say.
Steinbrenner Died At Right Time
Tax-wise, Steinbrenner picked a great year to die
By dying in 2010, the long-time NY Yankees owner's wealth avoids the federal estate tax. "That's just like him, always thinking ahead", says friend.
Future Food Shortages
South Korean scientist who cloned cows say they will be needed for food in the future. Now he's trying to clone hamburger helper!
"Well..Let's See...Hot In Here!"
Local man finally gives up trying to explain how his pecker came to be hanging out in restaurant.
Locker-Room mix-up turns tragic as coach shoots the wrong player in the ass with steroid shot!
BP TO PLUG LEAK WITH SANITARY TOWELS
BP has announced plans to stop the Gulf Coast oil leak by using sanitary towels and tampons. "We've tried everything else and are clutching at straws now," said a spokesman.
Parents Boosting Band Members
High school Mom boosts one band member, her son, with the toe of her shoe, after his name calling.
Kim Jong Il, all bandaged up, told his people today that he was OK. He added, "Gravity in cartoons is different."
Robbie Williams Re-joining Take-That a big misunderstanding!
Robbie Williams will actually be 'joining for' Take-That as a welder on the bands world tour stage erecting team. "Ha ha, his career was fucked years ago" said Gary Barlow on hearing the press gaff.
80% 0f Western heterosexual males can't tell the difference between Thai ladyboys and real women
The other twenty percent declined to comment.
Statistics are invariably flawed
Say 86% of statisticians.
Fewer Accidents At Siemens
German factory, Siemens, reports over 1,000 accidental pregnancies in 2009. Down almost 10%.
70% Of Women Feel Sexy When Their Underarms Feel Fresh
Eastern Europe undecided.
BP Still Trying
BP back to slow trial of choking Gulf oil with cap, whistling in the dark.
Tree-dwelling tribe discovered by Papua census. "And how many limbs are there in your home?"
Guidelines On Sex Abuse
Vatican issues sex abuse guidelines after crisis. Most say they know how without studying guidelines.
At Least Al Gore Should Be Happy
Bikinis in Siberia, Moscow as Europe wilts in latest heat wave.
Police issue warning warning
Someone is impersonating us, be warned!
More politically correct than "huge ass"? Instead use "she's suffering from Kirstie's Disease.
More Zoo Troubles
Someone is throwing Levitra pills into San Diego Zoo say officials. Gorilla now showing male panda how it's done.
Someone in San Diego is feeding monkeys Levitra as they're not necessarily hanging by their tails any longer.
Tis Almost Here
America's couches bracing themselves for "NFL, College Football, World Series" potato season!
Palin Warns Teens
Bristol Palin urges American teenagers to avoid sex as you might get knocked up like I did. That stork business is a load of crap.
New Breakfast Cereal for Impotent Men
Marketed as "Nut & Raisin Honey", this new breakfast cereal will put a little 'Gitty Up' in your Droopy Dangle.
R**N Air boss calls Easy J*t boss Pinocchio and lies!
A war of words between the bosses of those infamous cheap airlines, R.A. and E.J. has broken out because someone called the other one Pinocchio and lied whilst doing it! Who's got a long nose now?
Ghost Ship Marie Celeste discovered at Ground Zero!
The Ghostship Marie Celeste has been discovered at the Gound Zero building site oddly though it wasn't abandoned, several skeletons wearing Taliban turbans were chained to the mast, smiling, SCARY
Police Issue another Warning!
Ignore, last warning!
A (Rich) Hero's Welcome
Home to a hero's welcome, the Iranian nuclear scientist who claims he was kidnapped and paid $5 million by the CIA.
Firm squeeze and three shakes: Scientists devise formula for the perfect handshake, after state-paid ten-year study.
Lucky Charms Work
Lucky charms DO work: Study proves they increase chances of success. Plus "they're magically delicious!"
Caught Having Tensome
Swedish male model 'attacked Arabian princess ex-lover's cousin twice-removed chauffeur after she caught him having tensome all over her flat'
Moat In Their Eyes
Facebook 'breached own terms and conditions' by not taking down Raoul Moat tribute page, says MP. "I hope those paying tribute to Moat get to meet one just like him soon."
Police Stats Rotten
Police force detection rate shame as just one in four crimes are 'solved' despite fall in offending. So if you're thinking about a band heist, you got 75% chance of winning.
At It Again
'Wicked' pregnant woman whose false rape claim led to arrests of four men is jailed for three years says she's pregnant by jailer.
Chaned Baseball Alright!
Steinbrenner's impact on baseball beyond Yankees, all the way to purchasing other team's best players, "Seinfeld".
Runaway Toyota Finished Them Off!
Crash dummies Vince and Larry become museum in pieces!
Obama Maine Vacation
Obama's Maine island long visited by rich, famous, obnoxious! Why not in Florida as you've asked the rest of us to do?
Cuban Rats & Roaches
Freed Cuban political prisoners who were flown to Spain this week say their cells were rat- and roach-infested and that disease was rampant. "Even the Head Rat Castro came by to laugh at us."
New Diet Pill!
Experimental diet pill shows promise, little risk. "The six-inch pill, after being cut into pieces, seems to fill the dieter up before a meal", say members of study group.
Oil Adding Color?
Rare dark jellyfish showing up in San Diego Bay. "We think a lot of darker species are escaping from the Gulf", say experts.
A Modern Breakthrough
Danish study: Obese men face higher death risk. Also those with terrible diseases!
Mixed US Signals
Oil rises above $77 amid mixed US demand signals! "Yes we want oil but NOT in our water."
Dems Distancing Themselves From Washington
Colorado Dems arm-wrestle over who's the outsider. "He's the Obama man!" "No, it's him!"
Cheney Shoots Nurse In The Face!
Cheney recuperating after heart surgery last week, accidentally shoots nurse's aid in the face during sponge bath.
Cheney On The Mend Again
Cheney recuperating after 300th heart surgery last week. "I feel great!"
Banks Tried Their Best To Stop It!
After fits and starts, shits and farts, bank bill ready for passage.
Obama to promote electric vehicles in Michigan...with fins!
Barefoot Bandid Seeking Sympathy
Accused 'Barefoot Bandit' has US court appearance. Cries because he has no shoes.
State Rebellion Against Washington?
Utah agencies probe alleged illegal immigrant list, pass on copies to other states.
Vatican Gets Tough
Vatican issues new sex abuse norms after crisis. "All abuses must be requested beforehand".
Next Movie Should Be A Zinger
Restored Da Vinci painting reveals hidden Happy Face, McDonald's arch!
Returned Iran Scientist A Hero
Abducted' nuclear scientist returns to Iran. "US cut off fingers & toes but I told them nothing...I had six of each."
Argentina legalizes gay marriage in historic vote. Israel does the same for goy marriages.
John Daly Off To Good Start At British Open
John Daly off to a good start, only wraps one club around tree thus far.
Daly Off To Good Start
Daly off to rousing start at British Open. Apparently mullet hairdo was getting into his eyes.
Vatican Stopping Scandals
The Vatican issued a new set of norms Thursday to respond to the worldwide clerical abuse scandal, cracking down on priests who rape and molest minors and the mentally disabled. After only 1800 years.
Iraq Takes Over It's Prisons
US transfers last prison under its control to Iraq. Iraqis say they may thin them out a bit.
Fees Down, Bank Nazi's Appear!
After fits and starts, bank bill ready for passage. Bank patrons must now stand correctly & ask correct questions or no cashed check for them, head back to end of the line.
Banks Try To Make Up Fee Loses
After fits and starts, bank bill ready for passage. Banks to ad other fees, no more free lollipops for kids. Bring your own ink pen.
Roy Rogers' stuffed horse, Trigger, sold to Neb. TV station. Roy taken off and given proper funeral.
Painting Revealing Hidden Details
Restored Da Vinci painting reveals hidden details. Could lead to new book, movie.
Many Chinese Wealthy
Homes lost to foreclosure on track for 1M in 2010. Expect new Chinese neighbors in the future.
Obama More Popular Than Policies
TIME Poll: Voters Like Obama More Than His Domestic Policies. "He has that French snooty look."
"Don't Fly for me, Argentina"
Argentina legalizes gay marriage in historic vote. "Should increase tourism", say officials.
BP: Must Be Working Under A Curse
BP works to fix valve leak before choking oil flow and now have another leak. "Someone's curse is sure working", say workers.
BP engineers working to choke the flow of oil into the Gulf of Mexico found a leak on a line attached to the side of the new well cap. "What else?", asks workers.
Head or Gut?
Researchers in the UK spend two years to determine which came first? The chicken or the egg.UK tax payers wonder where they should punch them first, head or gut?
Fox News change name to Faux News
In order to align its name with the quality of it's reporting Fox becomes Faux on Friday. Now the channel can focus fully on making up bad things about Obama and not have to worry about the real world
Arsenal have full quota says Wenger
After signing another French player nobody has ever heard of, Arsene Wenger says he does not need anymore central defenders as he now has two and that's all you need for for a 4-1-2-1-2-1 formation
Classifieds - baby's cot
For sale baby's cot, originally cost £100, will accept £20 as I it had 2 short sides and 2 long sides when new, but I have lost 1 long side. Would suit triangular baby.
Piers Morgan given ANOTHER job!
Piers Morgan, renowned lying and gullible British journalist is somehow still in gainful employment. People with IQs of over 75 are said to be "dumfounded."
No one else applied
Today, Mexican President Felipe Calderon appointed Jose Francisco Blake Mora to help lead country's efforts against drug lords, head negotiations with opposition parties. Mora lucky he's still alive!
Sarkozy in new Ewok Saga
The vertically challenged Nicholas Sarkozy, will play Wicket's dark Brother 'Burkha'- who both struggle for power of their Country, & includes Model Women and ridiculous policies.
Lady Gaga Introduces New Fragrance "Bizarre"
This unusual scent comes from exclusive French perfume designer Peu Empestent. The odor is said to resemble a cross between a musty consignment shop bustier and a relatively inexpensive cognac.
San Francisco CA will not Ban Federal Ade
SF City Council allows Federal Ade in city's vending machines. This all purpose elixir was originally bottled in WV (Joy Boys, WRC Radio, 1960's) & is now solely produced by the Obama administration!
Gone but Not Forgotten
PRESIDENT OBAMA to TAXPAYER: What are you looking for in the sewer? TAXPAYER to PRESIDENT OBAMA: That $3 trillion that you, HS Pelosi and SML Reid flushed down the crapper for nothing!
Riot in the City
A near riot occurred in San Francisco CA at Golden Gate Park. A rumor had been circulating in the city that the SF City Council was going to ban cock!
Unemployment and Layoffs During a Recession
Unemployment is a bad thing! If you are still working do you see the workers & managers that never appeared to do anything productive?
The Bill is named after the Meltdown Perpetrators
A hidden FANNIE MAE/FREDDIE MAC clause in the Dodd/Frank Wall Street Reform Bill requires Sen. Dodd and Rep. Frank to send the US treasury personal checks for all the sub-prime mortgage toxic assets!
Where's Al Gore's Lock Box When You Need It?
The Obama administration is talking of making Social Security retirement age 80 years. Thus, Congress can spend more of the trust fund's money & if you survive to retire you will be refused Medicare!
FCC to Change Name
After losing the first amendment court case, the FCC will now be known as the F**king Clusterf**k C**kheads!
Presidential Press Secretary Gibbs is a Closet Republican
Gibbs said (Meet the Press) about the US House "I think there's no doubt there are enough seats in play that could cause Republicans to gain control." This remark caused HS Pelosi to wet her panties!
The Obama Administration Burn Rate of Money
President Obama asked Presidential Press Secretary Gibbs where the $500 billion stacked on his desk went to. Gibb's said he had to use it in the fireplace, as it was cold in here last night!
NAACP a Racist Organization or just Hypocrites?
NAACP calls Tea Party a racist organization (not one group), but TPs have been shown not to be racists. Then NAACP turns a blind eye to the New Black Panther Party railing about killing white babies!
New NYC Gang
Guys suddenly squeezing boobs, patting fannies and running off blamed on newly formed Gropethink.
Enough To Drive You Mad
Average American housewife very angry after carefully trying to understand football in order not to be a widow in the fall and they see husband watching strange new game called football!
Up From Ten Years Ago
Only four out of ten high school student in America can name which planet we live on.
Tired Of Silly Antics
The Crime Dog McRough takes a huge bite out of Mime!
Alaskan Police Arrest
Alaskan man arrested by police for holding penis in snow bank after he states he took three Viagra pills for extra action but fears now that it will explode!
Despite Plain Evidence
Kansas Board of Education denies the existence of Jackalopes!
Mel Gibson swears that recording made by girlfriend was rehearsal for his next film "The Bigot!"
Teens too savvy to fall for "Teens Welcome" sign on Old Fart's lawn as he hides behind hedges with water hose.
Bush Also Caused 1930's Depression
Nancy Pelosi, Jimmy Buffet say Titanic sinking was caused by George W. Bush.
Newspaper Reports Getting Wilder
US Newspapers warn public of new cases of super-dooper anthrax as it gets harder to scare the public, sell papers everyday.
Taliban reports that Afghanistan tourism in down 90% since United Nation interventions.
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