Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 14 July 2010
Who's On Top?
Academy Award winning actors Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem were married at the beginning of July in the Bahamas. The couple is currently on their honeymoon, Javier taking on a Cruz.
Over Ten Billion Sold
McDonald's to use 50% less indescribable substance in their burglars. Described as "filler".
Neither Good At Stir-To-Action Speeches
Historians say that the US may have dodged a bullet in 2000 election. Gore apparently a bigger nut case than Bush.
It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad Max
MORE Mel Gibson Audio Being Released; Threatens to 'burn down the house, cause a nuclear war!'
Clinton Back In White House
Bill Clinton back in the White House, holds economic meeting with Obama, two big-haired women.
Actually, The Rooster Came First
It is an old riddle that has perplexed generations: Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Now British scientists claim to have finally come up with the definitive answer: The egg couldn't come.
FDA Likes Avandia
FDA okay with Avandia, a drug that kills diabetics. It also claims people should know the risk of eating too much sugar, and odds are that the heart issues are really just a preexisting condition.
Su-Bo and Bono in quid pro quo, pro bono J-Lo show
More updates as they come in.
Just In Time
Friday Night Special "Our Over-Crowded Planet" drops Viagra as a sponsor!
"Wasn't That A Mighty Storm?"
No one seriously injured on Cruise Ship but most are black & blue as rocky ocean knocks a whole case of cans of whupass off top shelf!
Always Quick On The Trigger
Terrorist explodes prematurely beside his own house. Woozy wife states, "That's just like Mohat. I bet those 72 virgins will be pissed."
Bush No Richard Nixon
Old tape discovered at White House by Obama girls turns out to be recording of George Bush after in 2002 calling Osama bin Laden a "bad old poopy-tailed butthole!"
BP May Have A New Sideline
Friends(?) of actor Mel Gibson asks BP Oil that if cap on well works, can they do Mel's mouth?
Almond Brothers Cereal Not Selling
The General Mills cereal company has announced the recall of all their Almond Brothers Cereal. No problem, just not selling. "We were a generation too late", says CEO.
Patient says that he woke up during his operation at Jewish Hospital in Philly and overheard, "Hey! Poor guy. His Viagra pill didn't dissolve. Let's see what happens."
Americans Kept In The Dark
The American public, tired of the news about the BP oil spill, asks if we are at war with Iran? Who won the World Cup? What's all this about an octopus playing on the winning team?
Mel On Shit List
Mel Gibson has made the latest US Shit List. Mel replaced Michael Richards at #19 and is this week's 'Pic To Click!'
Corn Really Popped
Jiffy Pop has been sued by a woman in Indiana as all the corn popped at the same time, blowing a microwave door off and setting the cat on fire. The cat is fine, but the woman's nerves are shot!
Woman Puts Knickers on Backwards
A woman got dressed in a hurry and put her knickers on backwards.
A man walking outside saw her in her bedroom window and wrote a Spoof Snippet about it. Sad perverted bastard.
Man Stands Outside Front Door
A local man stood outside his front door this morning.
His wife locked him out because she hates the look of his face.
A man across the road wrote a Spoof Snippet about this tedious shite.
Garden Gnome In Back Yard Has Creepy Face
The Garden Gnome known as 'Gary the Garden Gnome' has been described by locals as being a 'creepy little fucker'.
Some sad old twat wrote a Spoof Snippet about this crap story.
Dog hates Cat
The dog from across the street hates the neighbour's cat.
He barks at it and wants to eat it.
A sad bastard added it as a Spoof Snippet for God knows what reason.
Man Sticks Finger Up Bum
A man walking down the street paused to shove his finger up his arse and have a good scratch.
Somebody took a picture on their mobile phone and a sad bastard wrote about it as a Spoof Snippet.
Man Laughs at Something
A local man walking down the street suddenly laughed at something that popped into his head.
People thought he was a weirdo but a sad bastard decided it was newsworthy enough for a Spoof Snippet.
Bastille Day hypocritical, pourquoi?
Well it tends to be if you invite several well known genocidal perpetrators and serial killers called African leaders and "cunts" merci Sir Bob Geldof!
"Actually They Were Paid Not To Do It"
Former Supreme Court Judge Ginsberg says she left because of health issues and to avoid appearing in NUDE JUDGES calendar for charity.
Police issue warning!
Warning: Act normal, the police are watching you!
"Smoke On The Water"
Deep Blue, the chess-playing computer, wants to learn to play guitar. Already knows four chords. Asks to be painted Deep Purple!
Miami Heat Sign More Players
The NBA's Miami Heat sign entire Harlem Globetrotters team. "Tired of traveling, says group spokesman.
You've Been Clocked!
Ticking box left at bomb factory is completely harmless, say firemen.
A Fishy Story
Boston-A Milton neighborhood got quite a surprise when a fish fell from the sky shortly after dinnertime last month. Say it's a sign something fishy is going on in politics there.
Iowa Billboard Compares Obama to Hitler! Germany Objects!
Mel Gibson Poll
Is Mel Gibson Just a Jerk? Or Mentally Ill? 35% Jerk, 24% say Mentally Ill, 41% say Both!
Needs Help, Advice
Giant Woman Too Big to Get to Brain Surgery, instead will report to head shrinker.
Elderly woman accused of dumping mayonnaise into library drop box, storing books in refrigerator.
It Just Happens
Officials Can't Do Shit Over 2.1-Million-Gallon Sewage Spill That Flowed Across the Border From Mexico!
Court Ruling Final
Court Rules Simulated Sex Is Not a Sexual Act. Sends defendant to Simulated Jail!
Gordon Brown in new play about Lord Byron
Having been outed as 'Mad, Bad & Dangerous to know' The former PM is rehearsing for a West End appearance in aid of an Iraq charity for the homeless!
BP Slows Recovery
Gulf oil to keep flowing while cap is analyzed. Many ask that BP bosses be analized!
Robot On Korean Border
SKorea deploys robot on border with North. Dress it like Donald Duck so Kim won't attack it.
Small Businesses In Trouble Everywhere
New Regulations Hits Farmers Who Can't Afford Them! Business Groups Air Concerns About Over-Regulation.
Obama Poll Numbers Bottom Out!
CBS SHOCK POLL: 13% believe President's policies have helped them. Other 87% can't recall him doing anything.
Overspent On 70th Birthday!
Ringo accused of starting "Paul is dead" rumor once again in order to sell more albums. Told this is his last warning.
Pilot Asks To Return
Air France plane returns immediately after 98-year-old gets the shits. "May Day! We're dying up here!. All masks are on!"
BP's New Spokesman
BP hires new spokesman, Andy Griffith: "Oh naw, BP ain't bad atall. Bo siree, they are actually PAYING us good money for sand. Now lookee here. That ain't half bad if you asked me!"
Taliban On The Run!
Taliban flee latest attack by United Nation's troops. Abandon pile of rock fought over for the past three weeks.
More Council Idiocy
Jobseeker's anger as council refuses to rearrange interview... which clashed with mum's FUNERAL. May have funeral director bring Mon with him for interview.
Don't Uase Teaspoons
Parents warned of overdose risk of giving medicine to children on teaspoons. Told that teaspoons could bend from the baby's weight.
That's How They Do It!
Shopping centre installs Asian 'stand-up' toilets following cultural awareness course. Several arrested for celebrating behind mall.
Staycations High In US Also
Number of family holidays abroad plummets by 10million as staycations soar. "We're putting our money in local area pubs and cafes."
BP Catching It!
Now U.S. senators blame BP for release of Lockerbie bomber, kidnapping Lindbergh baby!
British Retro Movement
Sterilise the poor, fire half of politicians and bring back the workhouse: Public's bizarre suggestions for spending cuts.
Moat Still Rocking The Boat
I had to play dead to save my life': Police officer reveals terrifying moment he was shot in the face by Raoul Moat, the hero of many who escaped being shot in the face!
To Get Chilly Reception?
Iranian nuclear scientist who claimed he was kidnapped by U.S. flies home via mystery third country, Jordan.
Jury Texting Case
Judge's fury as teenager almost wrecks two trials by texting gossip about 'paedo' defendant to her fellow juror. Could be texting from jail next.
Steinbrenner remembered for his bluster, charity, hiring & firing of Billy Martin.
Jewel Goes Undercover
Jewel goes undercover at karaoke bar for Web video. Next person in line for karaoke asks to be skipped.
Palin, Johnson Engaged
Bristol Palin, Levi Johnston say they're engaged. "Haven't told parents yet, but suspect they know from 1000 news sources."
Danish study: Obese men face higher death risk. "They're digging their own graves with a spoon!"
Cut Their Own Throats?
Danish study: Obese men face higher death risk. United Nations orders them to quit making danish!
Jellyfish In San Diego
Rare dark jellyfish showing up in San Diego Bay. "Probably immigrants from the Gulf", say experts
Tea Loses To Coffee
Tea party favorite loses GOP runoff in Alabama after Starbucks leads support to opponent.
Defector Going Home
Defector do-over? Iran scientist wants to go home. "I'm ready for my virgins, now."
Utah Also Checking Immigrants
Utah checking up on illegal immigrants as Arizona laws being considered.
Egypt To Search For Weapons First
Libya aid ship moving again, heading to Egypt. Egypt will remove their PLO wall long enough for supplies to get to PLO.
Police dodge gunfire in 3rd night of Belfast riots. Something to do with some skirmish in 1276.
Who Cares About Gorilla?
'Invisible Gorilla' At Sports Event Test Shows How Little We Notice! However, invisible cheerleader outfits notice in .5 seconds.
49 States Warned
Salsa, guacamole dips tied to food poisoning, except in Arizona: CDC
Waterboarding Include. Oil
Iran: Nuclear scientist on his way home, still wet and gibbering!
Palliative Care Lacking?
Palliative care lacking in much of the world as 99% have no idea what that means.
Given Enough Rope
Blagojevich prosecutors done quicker than expected. "He's done a bigger job in incriminating himself than we could have done", say prosecutors.
Back To The Future
Police dodge gunfire in 3rd night of Belfast riots. Old grudges last a long time.
MoD unveils unmanned fighter jet 'of the future' will only fly over, drop skittles and jelly beans. "Certainly not meant for attacking people!"
Airplane Of The Future
MoD unveils unmanned fighter jet 'of the future'. Think Tank in Massachusetts asks about enemy hacking system & sending it after US!
4-Time Lottery Winner Cofesses!
4-time Texas lotto winner rich with money, mystery. Finally reveals she gets tips from Paul the Octopus.
"Look There's Air Here!"
'Invisible Gorilla' Test Shows How Little We Notice! "Yeah, but anything invisible is seldom noticed."
Bunch Of Dips!
Salsa, guacamole dips, rat poison tied to food poisoning: CDC
White House On Another Planet
New WH report claims more jobs from stimulus bill and only at a cost of $25,000 per person hired.
Oil Cap In No Hurry
Gulf oil to keep flowing while cap is analyzed. "What's another million barrels going to matter? Let's do this right!"
Meanwhile there's a shark writing down his name.
Hardship in spades
President Obama: "The U.S. will dig itself out of this economic hole, but first, I've got to ship even more jobs overseas - seems no one in the U.S. knows how to make a shovel anymore."
Going once, going twice...
Former Illinois Gov. Blagojevich, accused of conspiring to sell President Obama's Senate seat, to take witness stand in corruption trial next week. Judge warns: "Witness stand not for sale either."
Vive La France
To be deemed constitutional any new French law must give all French women over 21 and under 50 the choice of (wearing a veil and going topless) or (not wearing a veil and going topless)!
Takeru Kobayashi Arrest a Misunderstanding
Waving his arms and speaking in Japanese Takeru said "where is there a good Italian restaurant in Brooklyn NY, I am so sick of eating hot dogs?" Police misunderstood and arrested him!
N Korea Reschedules Talks on Torpedoed S Korean Warship
N Korea is searching for another excuse for the attack on a S Korean warship, as Kim Jong il has already used global warming, space aliens, UFOs, Iran, the devil and the gulf oil leak!
Netanyahu and Obama have Frank Discussion
President Obama said "I like Charley's Dog Shack on Wisconsin Avenue in Washington DC." Prime Minister Netanyahu said "I like Max's Kosher Wieners on Dizengoff Street in Tel Aviv."
Milk and Cookies Approach Didn't Work
Jihadist terrorist website thanks western world Democrat far left liberals for helping them to achieve takeover goals. However these liberal loons will still be killed first, then everyone else!
Kudos to Clinton
Fifteen years ago President Clinton had the "testicular fortitude" to stop the massacre of Bosnian Muslims, while the Europeans, NATO and the UN stood around with their hands in their pockets!
Confession of a Radicalized American
"I used to be a middle-of-the-road Democrat and then came the Obama administration. I became a radicalized American!"
No Fries for You
A noted psychiatrist indicates that members of the food police threatening to sue fast food restaurants over toys in kid's meals suffered "a loss of their marbles" during childhood!
A Star is Born
Jessie Jackson Sr. signs with Cleveland Cavaliers to replace LeBron James. Jessie has to complete one full season & the team must win NBA championship before he can collect $30 million signing bonus!
The Dodd/Frank Wall Street Reform Bill doesn't inspire much confidence in the American public. This lack of belief is based on the bill's sponsors Sen. Dodd, Rep. Frank, FANNIE MAE and FREDDIE MAC.
A Sign of New Times
Novelty businesses are gearing up production for January 2013 with pins, buttons, posters and bumper stickers reading "I SURVIVED THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION."
A Boat Story
Former President George H W Bush ran his pleasure boat aground. The Obama administration has torpedoed the "USA Ship of State!"
A Vampire Horror Flick
The Obama administration is being called a vampire state. The reason, life has been sucked out of small business owners and private sector job creation by a "bloody" growing bureaucratic monster!
FEC Report on Obama Contributions
The Federal Election Commission indicates that President Obama gave the American taxpayer the shaft, the finger and a kick in the ass costing upwards of $3 trillion!
Local Animal Rights Groups Upset over Pigeon Ban
San Francisco CA City Council bans pigeons in the city. Council members say "we give our citizens enough crap without requiring outside help!" An animal rights protest march on city hall is planned!
Coke Smuggling may increase in San Francisco CA
The SF City Council may ban sugary drinks (Coke, Pepsi, etc) from vending machines. SFPD is worried that Arizona, Nevada and Oregon smugglers may dig tunnels into the city to bring in the Coke!
EPA to the Rescue
The EPA placed a moratorium on eating large orders of Brussels sprouts postulated by the Nanny State Bureau of Healthy Eating (NSBHE) until "outhouse gas emission" regulations are complete.
Sauce for the Gander
First lady fires White House Executive Chefs! The president & guests will now only be eating large orders of Brussels sprouts in accordance with Nanny State Bureau of Healthy Eating (NSBHE) advice.
Ornithologists Decode Cry of the Far Left Wing Loon
The endangered Democratic far left wing liberal loons cry @!%**#@, @!%**#$, @!%**## has finally been decoded. The whining shriek means overtax, overspend and over regulate American citizens!
The 2010 Lame Duck Congressional Session
Dead duck Democratic liberal members will be preparing their resumes. They plan to seek jobs as lobbyists for Wall Street, fast food restaurants, energy companies and business's they once vilified!
My Other Car
The buyer of President Obama's 2005 Chrysler 300C may donate the car to the Smithsonian Institution. Brief consideration was given to letting former presidential candidate John Edwards live in it!
The Prisoner on Pennsylvania Avenue
When Republicans take over Congress in 2011, President Obama plans to write a book. The title will be "The Prisoner on Pennsylvania Avenue."
Problem living in Canada
The problem with living in Canada is that when I sit here typing at 10:15 pm all the Brits are asleep. Well, they're all asleep except the insomnicacs of course.
365 readers online as I type. That's one for each day of the year.
Yogi Berra Tribute
Yogi Berra tribute to George Steinbrenner: He was one of the nicest dead man that I ever met."
I Wouldn't Go In There Right Now!
Tenth floor office in New York City send employees home early nuclear dump in small bathroom facilities turns on sprinkler system.
Gambino family whacks their 10,000 victim who informed on them and....no they didn't!!
Taliban to stop hiring. "Our caves are full now, completely full. Check back to see if there's been a cancellation."
After reviewing Lindsay Lohan video of "F*** You" on her nails, Judge orders public caning of her naked ass, having it filmed and selling copies to bring in income for hiring more police.
Look, Another One
Weight Watchers Headquarters in Orlando, Florida recalls over one million "tires".
"Actually Called Them His 'Horsies'"
PETA demands that kid be sent to his room for a year over fly/wing incident.
One Last Purchase
George Steinbrenner, after purchasing all the best baseball players for the New York Yankees, buys the big one at 80!
OSHA has uncovered another sweatshop. This time the little ones were forced to bake cookies while living in trees.
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