Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 13 July 2010
New Lewinsky Book
In a new book called "The Rest Of My Life", Monica Lewinsky says that Bill Clinton is basically a good man & would hurt no one. She blamed that one exploding cigar on a jealous Ted Kennedy.
Explosion, Laughter Heard A Mile Away!
Nitrous oxide factory blows up. Nobody heurt but plenty say ribs are sore and they're still in stitches. "HA! HA! The whole blasted building..get it? the whole blasted building blew! Ahahaha!
Obama schedules next news conference to discuss oil spill and immigration.
Federal government requires citizens to turn off their bullshit detectors during speech as they might "burn out due to the high concentration of methane emissions."
They Ruin The Water For Days
New laws are being considered after the BP Oil spill ruining the gulf area, to protect the pollution of other waterways. For instance, no more Polar Bear Clubs.
Rooneys and Ronis babies can "dribble" shame about their Dads!
Baby Rooney and Ronaldo have been photographed "dribbling" something ther famous dads failed to do. Maybe we should change their nappies, that might help!
Jet Of The Future Revealed
MoD unveils unmanned fighter jet 'of the future' Apparently the thing can time-travel!
Australian drunk survives attempt to ride crocodile. "Good thing the gator was crocked too."
Do As I Say, Not As I Do!
FIRST LADY: 'Come on down here and spend some money on a Gulf vacation! Meanwhile, we're headed for Maine!"
Ask About Golf!
British Open: Tiger Woods grilled on personal life in news conference. "Why don't you ask about golf?"
"OK, do you think about naked women every time you see the ho?"
***** Policy On *****Expletives Overturned!
FCC **** Policy on TV Expletives Is Overturned by ****** NY Court!!
Michelle Starts Her Period; Obama Won't Get Any This Week
As usual, Barack blames the previous administration for his troubles (even though they were from a different "Bush").
Every Man For Himself
CRIMINAL'S DELIGHT: OAKLAND COPS WON'T RESPOND TO 'MINOR' CRIMES! So carry a pistol and make sure it's loaded.
Yankees owner George Steinbrenner dead of massive heart attack. "He was talking about something and then suddenly I heard him yell, "There's Billy Martin! Martin, You're Fired!" and he fell over."
January 20th, 2017
Democratic National Committee chooses this as day Obama will officially stop blaming all his mistakes on "the prior administration."
Sick Squid - Psychic Octopus in the Netherlands
World Cup psychic Paul the Octopus is guest of honour at the Holland sqaud's home coming...as the centrepiece of a giant Paella. "He never saw that the jinx inflicting little cunt" said their Queen.
Pissed Australian Bronco rider attempts to saddle a 5m croc, maniac!
Australian men are well known for their macho behaviour but attempting to saddle a 5m wild croc is one step beyond especially when the croc decides to breakfast on a tender piece of leg, ouch!
Still Has Lots Of Friends In Washington
Monica Lewinsky was thrown out of another Washington DC restaurant yesterday, after being caught under the table again.
Tiger Wins Award
Sports Illustrated announces that Tiger Woods is the winner of the "Magic Johnson" award!
Castro Propped Back Up
Fidel Castro suddenly back in view on Cuban TV, after passing out, dropping off camera view for an hour.
Trade Deficit Jumps
Trade deficit jumped in May, Pole-vaulted in June! May leap out window in July!
Yankees Owner George Steinbrenner rounding third base and going home. He was 80!
Ohio crash leaves scared pet monkey atop pole as Polish family were visiting US for the first time.
Race relations No Better
Race relations better under Obama? Not according to NASCAR!
Basil Brush Culled
Found in a child's bedroom, Basil was blown apart by an irate, irrational Mother. Boom Boom!
Ladies, The Ball Hasn't Been On The Field Yet!
Islamic Dress Sidelines Iran Women's Soccer! Hard to see where the ball is located, through a veil.
Islamic Dress Sidelines Iran Women's Soccer! First known dress to convert.
Unless He's Strung Up Before He Leaves Texas
Texas Teacher Charged With Sexual Assault on young Girls. Believed to be headed for Switzerland.
Actually He's Talking Gibberish
Fidel Castro suddenly back in view on Cuban TV. Sounds much younger and mouth off words you hear.
House price slump may last a decade, experts warn. "Possibly even ten years", say most.
New Stat Released
One in five Britons 'will be from an ethnic minority by 2051' unless prevented.
House Gutted, No One Hurt
Boy, 2, accidentally guts house after starting fire while playing with flamethrower. "How many times do we have to tell people not to leave flamethrowers lying about?" states fireman.
Go Ahead Punk!
Hero British soldier shot in face by Taliban SPITS out the bullet. "That the best you can do?"
Screaming Tappering Off!
CIA states that earlier warning about being on the track of Anthrax gang was misquoted. "It was an Amtrak train that jumped track." Apologize for mass hysteria.
That's My Gal!
New marriage vows by bride to be both naughty and nice pleases new groom.
Third Battle Of Bull Run
Adrenaline, injuries in Spain's running of the bulls. Bad timing as winning soccer team, hundreds of thousand of fans in the streets!
Santa Into Profiling?
Arizona Governor claims that her state is not profiling. "Just comparing lists with Santa's naughty one.
Tiger To Bring New Putter!
After 12 years, Woods leaning toward putter switch after old one completely worn out.
Tiger To Use New Putter?
After 12 years, Woods leaning toward putter switch, especially when old favorite somehow took on the shape of his head.
Tiger On Hunt In Scotland
Woods expects good reception, several new babes, from British fans.
Grandchildren Disappointed Over Selfish Grandfather
Grandchildren miffed because 'Grandfather' still around, holding onto those wonderful old toys he promised them in his will.
First Family Off To Maine
First family to vacation in Maine. Warned to avoid Stephen King, Jessica Fletcher at all costs.
LeBron To Bring In Crowds!
LeBron James could mean millions for Miami tourism! Many will be coming from Cleveland carrying rocks.
Attorney denies Stamos had fling with 17-year-old. Asks about the definition of 'fling'.
Hendrix Bandmate Sues
'Scuse me, while I kiss this guy? Jimi Hendrix bandmate sues over '03 release.
"Johnson" Number One!
"Johnson" now outnumbers "Peter" slang for penis for the first time.
Ku Klux Klan officially retire late Senator Robert Byrd's sheet number!
Detroit Recall Recalled
Detroit tries to recall over 1,000,000 cars but recall stopped by authorities reminding them that those cars weren't made in Detroit.
They Hit Her Alright!
Mel Gibson tape mentions alleged hitting of girlfriend, then blaming it on Jews.
Fits The Mold
FDA to review first of 3 new weight loss drugs. Should sell well for years, then recalls and lawsuits.
Spread Of Infections New Sport?
Yuck: Few people correctly cover coughs, sneezes! Seem downright proud of farts!
Alzheimer's advances show need for better radishes!
Slippery But Safe
NOAA: Gulf seafood tested so far is safe to eat, really slides down the gullet!
Greece raises $1.6 billion in debt auction of over 1,000 Grecian Urns.
Oil Demand To Rise
Global oil demand seen rising slightly in 2011. Perhaps more if US drilling stops completely!
Market Spirits High
Alcohol lifts markets despite Portugal downgrade. I'm sorry, that should be, "Alcoa".
Kagan Vote Stalled
Panel Republicans to request delay in Kagan vote by being traditionally stubborn.
Alcohol for all
Owing to MPs being drunk House of Commons, there is now no age limit for drinkers. Nursery children welcomed the vote by declaring 'about bloody time too'.
Knew Something Heavy Was On His Mind
Unexploded bomb found in Vice President Biden's hat; 4 arrested.
Polanski Still On The Run
US vows continued pursuit of Roman Polanski. US officially tells Swiss to kiss our ass!
Castro Back On The Air?
Fidel Castro suddenly back in view on Cuban TV although many in Miami say it's a puppet.
Obama To Win Another Prize
Obama HIV/AIDS plan calls for reducing infections. Explains that the less people have AIDS, the less it will spread. He'll get another Nobel Prize, say most. Or, perhaps The Yogi Berra Award.
Another Shop Missing
Bicycle repair shop missing. Police believe this to be the work of "Bicycle Repair Shop Bandit".
School Bashes Cancelled
Back to School Bash canceled in most schools that have had to fire teachers to meet budgets. "Bash may have became riots", say school boards.
Attempt Number Eight Coming Up!
BP prepares to test new cap installed on oil leak. Also has new hat ready if cap doesn't work.
Glad Old Barefoot Caught
Barefoot Bandit's hometown welcomes his capture. "He gave a lot of people 'athletes feet!"
Iranian Scientist Shows Up
Iran said Tuesday a missing Iranian nuclear scientist, who Tehran claims was abducted by the U.S., has taken refuge at the Pakistani embassy in Washington and is 'dying' to return to his homeland.
Italian police arrest hundreds in anti-Mafia raids. Nab Joe "Knobby Donato" DiMarco.
More Politicians Think Obama Illegal As Prez
Republican senator says he backs birther lawsuits that Obama not born in the US. "Could even be from another planet."
Better Than Fireworks
Stargazers in awe as total eclipse arcs across Pacific. UFO's put on a light show!
Can't Seem To Win On Sun Thing
Vitamin D levels linked to Parkinson's disease risk as people avoid sun light with sun screens.
A Bargain In NYC
Limbaugh sells NYC digs, eight by eight foot room, for $11.5 million.
President Obama's Slipping Down In Polls
Majority of Americans lack faith in Obama: poll. Now coming in second to Paul The Octopus.
Obama: Popularity Slide
Majority of Americans lack faith in Obama: poll. Comes out second to Detroit Lions winning the Super Bowl.
Obama Dropping Fast
Majority of Americans lack faith in Obama: poll. Comes out second to Cubs winning world series!
Majority of Americans lack faith in Obama: poll. Comes out second to BP.
On the bright side
John Stamos accused of trying to perform oral sex on 17-year-old girl after giving her cocaine delivered by strippers. Stamos: "Whew! This ought to finally stop the rumors that I'm gay."
Ready to go off
Uganda officials: Unexploded 'suicide vest' found after Sunday's deadly attack on people watching World Cup final. Mel Gibson: Explosive 'suicide dress' found in Oksana Grigorieva's closet.
A total eclipse of the sun occured Sunday, blotting out of the sun in a narrow slice of the Southern Hemisphere. Mel Gibson reportedly celebrated the event by lopping off the head of a virgin.
Get along, little doggies
Wyoming tries to force a trade with Interior Department by threatening to sell prime chunk of Teton National Park used for grazing cattle. Mel Gibson holding out for Devil's Tower.
Addressing antenna problems with latest myPhone, CEO Steve Jobs insists customers need to "just hold it right." Wife Laurene says bathroom floor indicates Steve has a similar problem.
Robots put improved 18-foot, 150,000-pound cap in place over Blackwater geyser. Just in case, second robot team begins work on golden-arched deep-sea billboard: "Over a billion spilled."
Lawmakers probe hospital that may have infected veterans with HIV
Hospital to lawmakers: Hey! Be careful where you put that thing!
Color me confused
Study suggests cultural differences in defining color, wide variety of hues make colors difficult for toddlers to learn. Crayolla not helping with colors like red orange, yellow green and blue violet.
NRA Willing To Compromise
NRA Spokesman says that they will give up all their guns if absolutely necessary, "now that we have nuclear and biological back-up."
Stamps To Cost More
United Post Office finally concludes, "Ah, let's just raise the stamps to a buck each and quit farting around."
New Mag Czar
President Obama names Larry Flynt Czar of Magazines With Naked Women In Them! Hefner Pissed.
Russian Spies Stopover
France surrenders to exchanged Russian spies who wound up at Paris airport.
Oil Spil Wins Award
The Chernobyl Gazette awards B P Oil Spill the 'Event of the Decade'.
There You Are!
After through search all over house, mirror shows reading glasses sitting on man's head.
Spongy At It Again
SpongeBob SquarePants once again caught hanging in lady's shower room.
Many obese Americans already have their New Year's resolutions ready for 2011.
Cheney To Publish Favorite Bushisms
Former Vice President Cheney: Bush tried to put General Mills in charge of Post.
Bin Laden Dead?
Report: Authorities say Bin Laden now rumored to be dead, after eating a bad cave cricket.
Mouth Still Works Perfectly
After recent marriage, Rush Limbaugh kind of glad now that he lost most of his hearing.
Northweat Changing Strategy
Northwest Airlines to begin carrying at least one virgin on each flight, for an offering in case of hi-jacking by terrorist.
Mr. Bill Con "Oh No! #25" Going Well
107 injured at the 25th Annual Mr. Bill Con, the lowest number yet!
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