Spoof news snippets from Thursday 1 July 2010
Gore Wanted More!
Al Gore accuser claims key witness, hotel video surveillance, DNA evidence. "He flipped!"
Some Even Touched
Saudi Arabia convicts 15 men, women for blatant mingling at party.
Elian Lonzales Now 16!
Elian Gonzalez, 16, recalls dramatic return to Cuba, thinking Castro was a goat!
National Debt Still Climbing!
Up-to-date charts say that the National debt has soared to it's highest level since yesterday!
No Crazed Sex Poodle
Ex-VP 'emphatically' denies masseuse's allegations that he made unwanted advance like a 'crazed sex poodle'. "I was more like a doberman pincher", stated Gore. "Credit where credit's due!"
Artificial Hearts Developed
Revealing the avaiablility of artificial hearts on the NHS, Doctor Amanda Ginanlyme claimed: 'Artificial hearts are nothing new. Politicians have had them for years.'
Twilight Eclipses Twilight!
'Twilight' sets box office record in $68.5M debut, having already eclipsed the last movie's record!
GOP Battling Kagan
Kagan, Republicans no locked into Chicken/Egg question, always one of the worst.
Pistole Sworn In
Pistole sworn in as head of NRA..I'm sorry, that Should be TSA!
Check May Be In The Mail
BP claims: Not everyone will get paid, but at least ten percent guaranteed!
Army Admits Wrongs
Army admits 'unimaginable, unacceptable wrongs' at Arlington Cemetery. Apologizes to soldier's families, owners of pets in bizarre mix-up!
Take A Slime Out Of Crime!
BP announce that they have plans to get rid of safety watchdog, McGrease!
Bieber Claims He's Not Dead, Brains!!
Justin Bieber confirms: I'm not dead! "That was a female impersonator!
Hair Loss Gene Found
Hair loss gene identified. Goes by the name of "Levi" say researchers.
Creating Quite A Buzz!
Whole army of protesters show up on the Gulf Coast, armed with vuvuzelas!
Showing Signs Of Losing Less Money!
GM sales up 11% in June. However, in June of 2009, they were down 75%.
"Yes, No, No, Yes!"
Pro and anti-Kagan voices to be heard, all at the same time in big Final Round of Supreme Court today!"
Alex Still A Threat
Weaker Alex still a threat. He's older but can still out-think most Jeopardy contestants.
ACLU Issues Alert
ACLU issues travel alerts for Arizona: "If you are an illegal alien or simply a terrorist, I'd avoid prejudice group in Arizona."
Why Not Before?
Largest oil skimmer arrives in Gulf...only two months late.
Bite A Ship Into!
'Sea monster' teeth found in Peru believed to be that of the Peuvian Leviathan!
Houses Not Selling
California homeowner: It was our houses sliding off the cliffs, now it's our home sales."
Entrepreneur Florida brothers selling 'oil-spill water' as souvenir.
Now has an engine problem!
Rest Of Us In The Middle
Biden Compares Republicans to Nazis. Palin compares Democrats to Stalin!
Prince Charles Forgets To Duck
Prince Charles Defends His Involvement in Architecture Dispute, after colorful language issued after hitting his head!
Specter to Kagan: 'You Haven't Answered Much of Anything'. Kagan: "I'm following procedure."
Larry King Gone
Larry King ends show on CNN due to age, CNN expected to replace him with Betty White!
Tiger Loses Again
Tiger's Wife Gets $750M, Kids in Tiger Woods Divorce. Tiger gets the graphite shaft.
Avoiding Further Stimulus!
Fed Officials Express Caution on Outlook, Avoid Talk of Further Stimulus...unless it involves alcohol.
Standing Room Only!
Now Ryanair wants to sell tickets to STAND UP and fly: Airline to charge £4 for 'vertical seating'. Will charge extra for standing behind 'babe'
Hard To Get To Bathrooms
Now Ryanair wants to sell tickets to STAND UP and fly: Airline to charge £4 for 'vertical seating'.
Stay The Coarse?
General Petraeus wisely stays the course in Afghanistan. "Why mess with something that has been going on for 2,000 years?"
Researchers seek Little Miss Muffets for fear study. Plan to release 10,000 tarantulas!
Woo hoo, I've got a semi! Says a jubilant Serena Williams
The excited tennis star expects to go all the way.
He Was A Hairy Man
Lock of Napoleon's hair sells for $13,000. 10,000 lock of Elvis sold for $100 by Nigeria.
Could Be Dangerous
Vengeful new militant group, "Lets Kill Everybody" emerges in Pakistan!
Md. ski resort adds zip line for treetop tours as those on new speed slope really hauling ass!
Free Buffett Concerts
Free shows continue by Jimmy Buffett along Alabama coast, although he admits he's growing tarred.
Rise In Penis Proceedures
SAfrica sees rise in post-circumcision breaths. I'm sorry, that should be post-circumcision deaths.
Google Adds Personal Touch
Google adds a personal touch to its news section. Includes 50% of all US naked baby photos.
Makes Horse Sense
Unusual 17th-century Dutch horse burial site found right next to tulip bulb burial ground.
Indonesia Losing Glacier
Indonesia's last glacier will melt within years. Is Bill Clinton next?
Good At Stopping Things
President Obama appeals to US newspapers and magazines for help ion oil leak. "They've sure stopped readership!"
NZ carbon price system hikes household costs. May be adopted by US. "Paying a lot more should leave more money to spend & help US economy", stated Total idiot.
"We Almost Goofed!"
Swiss team postpones solar plane night flight after discovering there's no sun rays at night.
Japanese Saki Conferernce
Business confidence in Japan at 2-year high, with new Saki recipe!
Toyota Recalls 270,000
Toyota says 270,000 vehicles have faulty engines. "But less than 10% expected to suddenly burst into flame.
Obama: Time To Tackle The Next Problem
In speech, Obama to argue for immigration overhaul, now that unemployment, wars, gun-laws, oil spill mess is over.
Byrd To Lie
Byrd to lie in repose in his beloved Senate, in the east wing.
China Invite Changes
China said Thursday that U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates is welcome to visit at an appropriate time, just weeks after it rejected a proposed trip by him. Needed time to hide leaded products.
Still Open-Minded But Closed Mouthed
SPIN METER: What happened to the Kagan standard? Becomes ninth straight justice to allow power to go th their enlarged heads.
Al Gore Changing To B. Clinton As We Watch!
Portland police re-opening Gore investigation on his attack on masseuse, Demanding global warming to his crotch.
AZ to release immigration training plan for cops, storm troopers!
A Sad Song On The Wind
BP Oil spill bringing sad music towards pristine white sand beaches, citizens, workers. "Sounds like Brahms Symphony #1 (1 Mov, part 1)," say most.
1.3 million unemployed won't get benefits restored. Plan 1.3 million unemployed march on Washington.
Been Fighting A Long Time
Petraeus briefs NATO on Afghan mission. "Could take another millenium or two."
B1 Bombers Retiring
U.S. Air Force Considers B-1 Bomber Fleet's Retirement. May be moved to children's playground areas all over the US.
Genie Out Of Lamp
Gun law challenges likely after high court ruling as Texas, Kentucky pass home anti-tank protection use in self-defense.
Ay Chiwawa !
Hurricane Alex drenches Mexico's northern coast. Stench of oil, oil company execs filling pants, even coming in here", say town mayors.
No Longer A Shortage
AP IMPACT: Millions of vaccine doses to be burned. Government blames over-coverage by press, especially 1,000 articles on TheSpoof scaring the shit out of people.
Better Be Ready For Demonstrators
BP spill nears a somber record as Gulf's biggest. BP exes near a sober record.
Judge Kagan What If You're Approved Today?
Kagan on way to Supreme Court confirmation. "I'm going to Disney World!"
The Driver's Triangle
Deadly stretch of I-65 focus of scrutiny. "Triangle linked to nearby witches caves.
Expect An Offer In 5-10 Years..I'd Take It
Home sales steadily decreasing. Some have been on the market so long they've collapsed from rot.
It Could Happen To Anyone
Toyota says 270,000 vehicles have faulty engines. Nothing serious, just mixed regular motors with hybrids.
Serves Theives Right
Toyota says 270,000 vehicles have faulty engines, runaway breaks, catch on fire! Remember we're the top stolen car in the U.S.
He's A Mean Motor Scooter & A Bad Go-Getter
Jenny Thompson, who won eight Olympic gold medals in an illustrious swimming career, said Wed. that she was hit in the face by thieves out to get her motor scooter on Monday. Alley Oop suspected.
Mn. Man Pleads Guilty
Minn. man pleads guilty to threatening Obama. Number 257 to attempt to kick his ass over Gulf mess.
Old Fire Bug Finally Arrested
Calif. man arrested for causing 1925 forest fire on DNA evidence. Wheeled away from nursing home while throwing matches at people,
Bear in first recorded Ky. attack still at large. First in the United States since the "Goldilock's Massacre"
Brings Family Shame
Bear in first recorded Ky. attack still at large. Sadly, most bear attacks in Kentucky go unreported.
Need Some B-1's?
U.S. Air Force Considers B-1 Bomber Fleet's Retirement. Could be sold to highest bidder.
But Could Be Innocent, Argues ACLU
Spy suspects had interests in science, finance, weapons, US defense, ricin.
Courts Bogged Down
Gun law challenges likely after high court ruling as over 100 lawsuits, counter-suits being prepared at taxpayer's expense
Kagan Dances Forward
Kagan on her way towards High Court confirmation does the Dipsy Doodle down the hallway.
Alex A Mess
Hurricane Alex downgraded to Category 1 storm, category 3 Oil Dispenser!
Andy Murray warning!
Rafael Nadal = Anal Fear Lad
Oil Spill Record
BP spill nears a somber record as Gulf's biggest blunder ever!
Wife gets $750 Million, their two kids, Tiger gets shit, in divorce settlement.
Senior Citizens - New Government Proposals
Ministers today revealed that they will eventually have to work until they are 85, those opting for an extension until they are 109 will be offered an automatic place in the House of Lords.
Amber waves of grain
White police sergeant, black Harvard professor share responsibility for outcome of confrontation last year, says report by committee - who only reached the decision after sitting down for beers.
Larry King Hangs Up Suspenders
Larry King hangs up suspenders as talk show ends. Gets hung up in suspenders as pants fall off when going out the door at CNN.
Prejean To Marry
Ex-Miss California Prejean to wed NFL player. Lottery will be held on TV!
Maggots Threaten Plane
Maggots force plane back to gate in Atlanta. "Could have turned into flies and flew into a motor", says pilot
ACLU issues warnings for travel to Arizona: "You won't see any illegal aliens working there to piss you off!"
Banks To Try Other Ploys
Overdraft rule change may end up costing you as banks will make up difference, such slipping you $2 instead of $20's.
Animal Workers Refuse To Clean Al Gore
Major Hurricane could bring tar balls into Texas, entire southern US. Illegal aliens flee south.
Tar Balls Make You Sterile
Hurricane Alex spreads thousands of tar balls across Gulf. "My husband is sterile and we are on our honeymoon", laments 76-year-old virgin!
You Have TAR BALLS!
Hurricane Alex spreads tar balls across Gulf. "Worse than the Swine flu", say male victims!
Lunch is on Us
The ACLU announced today that the organization will be relocating all their offices to the state of Arizona. The 49 other states offered to pack them lunches for the journey!
The Greatest Fib Ever Told
Candidate Obama: "I will not raise middle class taxes, let me be clear about that, I will not raise your middle class taxes one dime!" IRS is trying to figure out how many dimes are in $750 billion!
It Does flow Uphill
Maryland County Executive asks Maryland Governor who asks President Obama for stimulus money to pay for Porta-Potties in county public parks. Never thought you would see s**t flow uphill, did you?
Food Police Plan to Sue over Toys in Kids Meals
Food police ran into trouble as fast food restaurant lawyers & 200 million Americans filed briefs saying stay out of our lives! Angry parents also indicated where food police should stuff the toys!
FBI apprehends a group, allegedly trying to cause the San Andreas Fault to rupture around San Francisco. The group leader claims they just wanted to launch the "Good Ship Pelosi" & her liberal crew!
President Obama the Economist
President Obama bases his US taxing and spending policies and rosy economic forecasts on Haruspicy! (Haruspicy is the ancient practice of reading the entrails of sacrificed animals.)
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