Spoof news snippets from Friday 8 January 2010
Is Geithner an "Inside Plant" for Goldman Sachs?
Hint: He Got a "high five" from Traitor Paulson upon arrival.
US Fighter Jets Scramble to Pasenger Jet Rucus 2nd Time in Two Days
Only a matter of time until they shoot one down just for the thrill of it!
O'Bama Unveils $ 3 B for "Green Jobs"
$2.8 B of which will go for changing light bulbs in all government buildings.
A Motto for All!
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal labotomy!
Screwed As Usual
President says richest Americans should pay 50% taxes but we know that they'll hide it so everyone pays 25% that earn over $25,000.
Need For Shared Info!
Top Pentagon commander meets troops in Afghanistan. "You guys over here? Thought you were headed back to Baghdad. Yemen? Washington tells me nothing. Somebody place a call to President Clinton."
Here's Your Prescription
NY doctors ordered to translate drug instructions into Spanish, French, Russian, Chinese and English. Doctors say they have been doing that for years, don't anyone ever read these?
Slow News Day for the Daily Telegraph
The Daily Telegraph online reports its most viewed story is "Man's Pen Is removed from Pipe" in the meantime, he had to use a pencil to work it out.
Copied Story Word For Word
It was announced this morning that the Xerox Company is being sued for plagiarism.
Battle For New Viewers!
Katie Couric and Diane to duke it out live on ABC/CBS special. "Couric warned to watch out for Diane's "Kentucky mule kick".
Obama Getting Full Cooperation
US FBI headquarters claims they tried to share documents with CIA but CIA says they did not. Did So! Did NOT! Pot full of snot! You ate it and I did not!
Yucca Yuk Yuk
Former President Bush claims all his White House records have been stored at Yucca Mountain, for their safety.
Bookies Refuse To Pay
Designer 'wins' £7million betting on white Christmas... but bookies REFUSE to pay out. Claim assets are frozen.
Pakistan Player, Officials Fined
Pakistan hockey player and two team officials fined for hugging a woman and drinking beer, playing in hockey.
Teacher Shows Roomful Of Confiscated Weaponry
Boy, 4, becomes youngest pupil to be expelled as teachers could not cope with 'challenging behavior' of bringing loaded weapons to school, eating live mice.
Aussies break diplomatic ties with India because of a racist cartoon!
An Indian tabloid printed a cartoon depicting Aussie cops as KKK racists. Australia have decided to break diplomatic ties, but think the unform is "quite nice," Aussie cops are now wearing KKK hoodies
Accusers, Simon & Garfunkle
MP Iris Robinson, 60, had affair with 19-year-old toyboy. "Where have you gone, Mrs. Robinson?........"
"Read It In Classic Mystery Once"
Two arrested after police follow footprints from break-in... right to suspects' front door. Suspects claims real burglars walked backwards from his house to throw blame on them.
Most passengers forced to leave luggage behind at Heathrow as ice prevents planes from being unloaded, while those boarding can't get their luggage loaded. However, pilot unloads, gets loaded.
Israel: Mind Reading Systems Will Change Air Security
The systems, designed to detect even the slightest darting of eyes, increased heartbeat, or even a nervous twitch quickly identify all those to be re-routed to GITMO.
It's a Wonderful Life!
Families face THIRD WEEK with no rubbish collection as deep freeze brings Britain to a halt. "No morgue vehicles either", states one. "And grandpa frozen solid out back."
Better Watch Those 13-Year-Olds
Ex-soldier, 41, who had sex with 13-year-old girl spared jail as woman judge says teenager 'did most of the running'. 'Same here!' says Roman Polanski!
Harman Avoids Ban
Fury as Harriet Harman avoids drive ban after crashing car while talking on mobile phone. "I deserve at least one mulligan", she stated.
Giuliani: O'Bomba Has "turned the Corner" on Terrorism
Meaning O'Bomba now has a war machine stock portfolio like all other elected politicians that depend on a perpetual war for high returns.
Latest Report: O'Bomba "sees" Al-Quaida - China Connection
US Troops Find Huge Stash of Opium, Cocaine Near Kabul
The astonished troops, immediately began smiling and signing "W'ere Gonna Get High, High, High...........
US Jobs Report Shows Skills Mismatch Amongst Unemployed
The Report says over 20,000,000 workers recently laid off, have skill sets that "produce nothing" and with only demands from the world that the US "produce something", they are shit out of luck!
US Economy Loses Another 100,000 Jobs
No Problem. The O'Bomba plan calls for another 100,000 TSA Security Agents to be hired to conduct triple redundancy pat down checks on all airline passengers, including underwear checks.
Joseph Lieberman's Ratings Tanking in Connecticut
Following a National Trend going on for over Twenty Years.
Why Dems Are Jumping Ship:
With a Super Majority and Nothin' But Failures, Wouldn't You?
How Many Federal Air Marshalls can u fit on an Airbus?
approximately (n-x), where n equals the number of seats on the airbus, and x is the number of terrorists already seated.
Spain beg for Che Guevara and Pancho Villa to start a revolution!
Flat broke Spain begged Pancho and Che for a "Viva La Revolucion" hoping Spanish youths will join them to murder the royals, democrats, burn the place to the ground and create some new jobs!
FDA drug approvals mostly fat in 2009. I'm sorry, FDA drug approvals mostly flat in 2009.
Mixing Two Handerchiefs Pretty Rough
Better antiseptic, covering mouth when you sneeze, ass when you fart, curbs post-surgery infections.
Cold Snap Bites Global Warmers
Experts: Cold snap doesn't disprove global warming. But it doesn't help a whole lot either.
Earth-Like Planets ?
Astronomers: We could find Earth-like planets soon. Could only take us five generations aboard ship to get there.
Gates, holdover from Bush team, to stay at Defense as Dems need someone to point to during next terrorist event.
Snow pushes east after flouncing jaunt through Midwest and sashaying through the Southwest.
It's a Race - against al-Qaeda and its Affiliates
"Spoon-egg Race", said the President.
Hot To Pot
Drug benefit expanded to 1 million more marijuana smokers. May need to grow more, says Bluegrass state's Senator Bunning.
Air Security Up!
Obama orders up more air security. Arranges for blimps with radar, telescopes over all major cities.
Car Shot At
Web site: Iranian opposition leader car shot at. "What could Ahmadinejad possibly have against my car?", asks cleric.
Economy Loses More Jobs
Economy loses 85K jobs, unemployment rate holding steady but gets the weak trembles from time to time.
I Think They May Be Right
Study: Dollar, price of gas linked! Experts say that every time gas goes up, it costs you more dollars.
Perelman Suit Settled
NY judge: Perelman must pay ex-wife $3.4M to keep her from barking. I'm sorry, that should be 'Perelman must pay ex-wife Barkin $3.4M.
Leno Back To Late Night
Source: NBC weighing Leno return to late-night. May even get off shit list.
Gay Goys Uncertain
Portugal Parliament votes to permit gay marriage. Jewish leader gives OK to goy marriages.
Mountain Top Removal
Scientists call for end to mountaintop removal. "How will climbers ever get to the top?"
SWAT Officer Charges
Minneapolis SWAT (Steal Without Any Trouble) officer charged with bank robbery.
Mind Readers At Airports
Mind-reading systems that could change air security to be headed up Lwaxana Troi.
240-Yr-Old Elm Tree To Be Chopped Down
240-year-old Maine elm tree to be chopped down. Has Dutch Elms Disease, too full of sitters over the years.
Florida Feels Big Chill
Florida's Big Chill: Iguanas drop, manatees huddle, nudists running between buildings, Hillary sun-bathing.
Justice Gone Wacko
Swiss court fines speeding millionaire $290,000 based on his having $20 million. Meanwhile everyone that's broke were passing him on both sides.
Back To The Secrets
Obama orders up more air security, intelligence sharing. "If we share with the Taliban, there's no telling what they might share with us."
Headed Into 2010 Elections
Drug benefit expanded to 1 million more seniors. "That's i million more voters", stated Nancy Pelosi.
CNN Opinion: London Breeding Islamic Terrorists
Clinton: Send Unmanned Drones Over London to Take Out Islamic Centers Now.
Are You Lonesome Tonight?
Elvis would have been 75 years old today.
Tavern on the Green Restaurant in NY's Central Park . . .
. . . is not so green after all. Goes bankrupt and closes its doors after 75 years in business.
Kirstie Alley Nearly Killed Exiting Sinking Cruise Ship
The "Oprah 300" was taking on water and passengers were being debarked when 350 lb. Kirstie fell into the ocean. A Japanese Whaling vessel mistook her for a whale and fired a harpoon, just missing.
Desperate Cher Cries: My Face is Falling Apart and I Look like a Corpse!
Roadway Industries, an asphalt paving company has offered to do a surface work over for the one time showgirl.
Gates To Stay On One More Year at Pentagon
But Says Only if O'Bama hides Nobel Peace Prize as the sight of it gives him rabies.
Astronomers: We Could Find Planets Just Like Earth Soon
Let's Hope Not.
Double Agent Deaths Now Common In Afghanistan
Now referred to as the "Daily Double".
US Defense Contractor Suspended Over Kickbacks
Contractor claims they were "just doing what every other contractor is required to do by well placed US Representatives".
Federal Investigator says "prove it" then retracts his suggestion.
Will Time Travel Be Possible Some Day?
Absolutely. We will just hop right on to the O'Bama Peace Train and "zoom" right into another dimension.
AIG Bailout Secrecy Could Mean Geithner Testifies on Hill
Where young Timothy will promptly remind the Congressional Representatives that they are "owned" and are "way beyond their authority, as provided by the Jekyll Island Agreement of 1913".
Jay Leno's Future on NBC Up in the Air
Not as high up as his salary, which is in the Stratosphere.
What Goes Up, Must Come Down?
O'Bama Orders Changes to Fight Terror
From now on, TSA Executives will have to report to work at least one day other than pay day each month.
Feds Seeking More Air Marshalls
Plaxico Burris, Gilbert Arenas Submit Applications claiming fly time with weapons while surrounded by dangerous felons.
Man Charged with Posing As Secret Service Agent
Secret Service Agents charged with pretending to provide White House Security.
All to serve sentences of having to watch all 47 Amy Winehouse concerts without eye protection.
Report on Falied Underwear Bomber Attack Released
Dick Cheney flipped the Rufus a three dollar bill to put some moth balls in his britches and light 'em up, while Cheertoff flipped a TSA security agent another $3 to look the other way.
Slam & Dunk
O'Bama: The Buck Stops With Me
Geithner: You have exceeded your credit limit, so you have no more buck.
Got Right On It!
In response to President Obama's message for the CIA, FBI, etc to share information, the CIA received all J. Edgar Hoover's information through 1959.
Have Some Respect
North Korea hat they will not have their leader mistaken for a cartoon, though he does love cartoons.
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