Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 5 January 2010
Cheetah sues Tarzan for physical abuse
Jungle spokesman says "No one explained to him what they really meant by spanking the monkey."
Elvis spotted at Dunkin Donuts
Counterman Jerry Garcia and customer JFK insist that it wasn't really him.
Taco Bell Reveals Secrets Behind Their New "Drive Thru Diet"
"The secret is that Jared and Subway were killing us, so we had to make up some crap that says our food was good for you."
Photos At Paris Hilton Bikini Waxing Reveal She Isn't a True Blond
Paris says "So what if the curtains don't match the carpet, I'm ditzy enough, aren't I?"
Discovered Hollywood Papers Reveal Michael Jackson Was to Star in "The Fly"
This movie was not a remake of the classic. It was about the zipper on a little boy's pants.
Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut
An account from a German Army medic from the 1940's confirms the often rumored fact that Hitler had only one nut, and that was donated to him by Rommel.
Judge Starts Packing Own Gun Into Courtroom
The Judge, Mrs. Roya Bean, says its about time to get back to basic rule in the courts. Says from here on, death penalty verdicts will be carried out on the spot!
Population Under Control?
Global population slowing down for the first time in history this past decade. Experts cite birth control, good old fashioned wars.
Double headed double agent missed by CIA in Afghan compound , BOOOM!
The CIA have cocked it up again this time a double headed double agent dressed as a cleaning lady in a Burkah and "Wellies" bamboozles them and blows up his rubber "wellies" for Allah, uugh!
Freaking Out, Off
Over 200 marijuana jumpers now since last week's announcement that munchies cause cancer!
Dubai Tower of Death opened and they can't wait to JUMP
Corrupt bankers and financiers who caused the Dubai meltdown are being sent up (not to) the Tower for a free ride 800 metres above sea level for a quick chat with Allah and then they can JUMP!
Vatican Cracks Down Hard
Vatican: Church announces really tough policy on pedophilia and will crack down hard! Although, crack down hard could be better phrased.
In Political Shocker, GOP Chairman Michael Steele Marries Nancy Pelosi!
The GOP Chairman stated "Our parties are now united in every meaningful way." and "She is the salt and I am the spice, now everything will be just like a rigged pair of dice.
Just Need To Learn How To Handle Things
American students lagging behind Europe on sex education. Visiting French teacher say they are ahead on weiner sizes.
Haing A Wrap Session
Three Egyptian mummies to appear on the Larry King Show tonight. Larry asked to move around a bit, wear colorful clothing so they'll know who's who.
US Developes Smartass Bomb
Rumor: The United States has developed a Smartass Bomb that yells "Get Ready For The Afterlife!" immediately before it explodes.
Society Meeting Disappears
"The Flat Earth Society" meeting on cruise ship has suddenly disappeared. Pirates say they don't have it.
Mediums Getting Hotter By The Day
Clairvoyants now blaming slow access to the other world on global warming. "Chief Horse's Ass says that it's not the heat, it's the humidity."
We're With You Guys
"Divorce Lawyers For Gay Marriages" now say they also support priests that wish to marry.
Baby Boomers ARE Retiring
Many baby boomers have decided to retire after all. There has been many stories that they would have to keep working because of the low saving, large bills, but many retire to their parent's house.
Another Cost Cutting Move:
Under the new Health Care Reform Bill a person who used to be sent to "the hospital", will now be sent "to hospital". The ommission is expected to save thousands of dollars in ink costs per year.
TSA Security Screeners Being Trained in Crotch Groping
Convicted sex offenders consulted to develop "best practices" manuals.
U.S. Declares Chapter 7 Bankruptcy; Uses e-Bay to Auction Off War Machinery
Auctions off All Military Fighters and Sea-craft to Cheney, Clinton. Taxpayers now to be billed directly in lieu of taxes for wars. Largest Carrier renamed "H.M.S. Hillary".
Icelanders Refuse to Pay Dutch Banker Boys for Their Follies and Failures
Demonstrating at least some people still have some common sense.
New Evidence Suggests...
that the Underwear Bomber on flight 253 suffered from skid marks.
Bob And Carol And Ted And Alice...
will have to take their clothes off before boarding a plane under proposed new flight rules. Mohammed and Ahkmar will not.
New Reality Show!
New on FOX this Spring: Celebrity Dummy Car Crash Testers! Billy Joel, Tiger Woods, Paris Hilton already sign on.
Now Awaiting The Sequel
Avatar movie lines backed up out into the street and across parking lot since the night before, later tell reporter it was kind of silly, mostly for young kids.
Faked It 20 Years
Man arrested for posing as a psychiatrist for 20 years asks arresting officer, "And how do you feel about this?"
Call Her Kitty
Single Mom regrets allowing small son to name the kitten as she hears him tell her date, "Mom almost lost "Little Pussy" last night.
PE A Major Problem
Berkeley California study reveals that premature ejaculation a problem one in four men, four out of four women.
Look The Part
No offense towards Patch Adams, but survey reveals that most patients prefer doctors in white shirts, pants and not clown outfit with big feet.
Barrymore Seeing Things
Drunken Drew Barrymore still sees ET's brother DT, sometimes late at night.
Service With A Smell
Waitress bounces your servings on the table, spills wine and ignores your drink refills and then bounces while smiling over with your check. "Here you are, Sweetie!"
Happy anniversary honey! What?
France will become the first country in the world to ban 'psychological violence' within marriage later this year. Hard of hearing couples begin packing.
Cannot Be Bought
Clegg warns Labour and Tories that Lib Dems 'will not be bought'. 'We can be influenced, however."
Those Manson Hearings
Charles Manson's annual hearing always brings back a more innocent time to mind for today's Baby Boomers.
Iran Issues Warning
Iran wars the U.S. to stay out of their affairs or they will need to change those old root cellars back to fallout shelters.
We Were Wrong
Satellite images show evidence of Mars lakes, lifeguard chairs, when planet was thought to be frozen desert.
May Be Needed Later
Think twice about that clear-out: Throwing out unwanted clutter, such as sleeping husband in chair with remote in hand, is a bad idea, say experts.
Bulbs Gone Out!
Bombarded by 200m eco-bulbs: Energy firms meet green targets with mass giveaway, and we all have to pick up the bill. "The bulbs have gone out from over their heads", states one recipient.
Young Attacks Moms
Desert Island Discs presenter Kirsty Young has launched a scathing attack on mothers who want to turn their children into 'baby Einsteins', contributors to The Spoof!
Cursed! Hundreds stricken as bug hits luxury liner three times in three weeks. "They should rename this 'The Shitliner", says one aboard.
Britain Hit Hard
White-out! Schools shut, roads closed, stiff upper lips frozen in place, and 3million workers stay at home as blizzards sweep across -12C Britain.
No Seigfried & Roy Comeback
No comeback for Siegfried and Roy as Roy will spend full time trying to retrain Tiger Woods.
Google's Latest Gadget
Google poised to take wraps off new mobile phone that will run back home and make sure you turned the coffee pot off.
Strawberry Crab Discovered
New 'Strawberry' crab species found off Taiwan. Crab named after grouchy ex-Yankee baseball player.
Mesa Air files for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. Judge wants to know if there really is a Mesa Air Line.
New Updated Watch List
Watch lists grow; Obama to meet with security team. Saw YOUR name on it. What's up?
"Where I Was Born!"
South chilled by Arctic winds, record snow in East as Obama family headed back to Hawaii.
Men Still At It!
Dubai opens half-mile-high tower, world's tallest. Men strutting around after huge phallus symbol revealed!
Obama to announce new airline safety measures. "Anyone who wants to fly must wear a straight jacket."
Review of the past decade: 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008 and 2009.
Brain Injuries & Injuries Unconnected
Dr. Casson, a neurologist, has stuck to his position that there is no connection between football head injuries & brain disease. "Their brains have problems already or they'd never play football."
Health Spending Down
US health spending slowed in 2008 as many couldn't affor to see a doctor.
US Embasy Still Open
U.S. says Yemen raid allowed embassy opening, especially the clearing of al-Qaida training camp from bottom floor of the building.
Running Old Cars, Burning Tires On Purpose
South chilled by Arctic winds, record snow in East, leaving many wanting global to be speeded up!
Rattlesnake Protection Except In DC
A new study suggests that a layer of denim offers at least some protection from rattlesnake bites. Health officials say to remember: "Denim Stops Venom!"
Job Satisfaction Low
Americans' job satisfaction, especially those of window cleaners on high rises, falls to record low.
Hort Mysteries In Space
Planet-hunting telescope unearths hot mysteries in space, especially around Venus where the women come from.
Be Sure To Latch
Watch list grows as extra airline screening begins as screen doors placed inside instead of outside doors on planes.
Amy Winehouse to Perform without Face Mask on 47 City Tour
Shows now rated "R" to prevent sudden lethal shock syndrome on those less than 18 years of age.
Quitting Smoking May Raise Diabetes Risk
The study says up to 70% more likely to be specific. Bring on the unfiltered camel 100's ............Please!!
Time Magazine: O'Bama Defaults to Bush Policies
It was that or join Michael Jackson for 2010 honors.
Christian Science Monitor: O'Bama Must Step on Yemen Carefully
Must make sure Al-Quaida can relocate before crushing military invasion and occupation.
Americans' Job Satisfaction Falls to All Time Low
To be expected as employment at fast food chains rises to 50% of workforce.
Scientists Create a See-through Goldfish, Its Brain Clearly Visible
In similar research, a see-through politician was created. No brain, not even a tiny one, could be seen.
Cheertoff Says Scanners Not Enough to Stop Terrorism
Is now implementing full cavity searches, prison style to locate explosive suppositories.
New TSA Job opportunities available now for people with large dexterous hands.
that the man who went the wrong way through Newark airport 'security' was let through by the Secret Service.
Study: Half of Americans Depresed, Get No Treatments
Number one treatment prescription:
Stop Watching Television.
Blagojevich Joins Cast on "Celebrity Liars"
To tell his greatest gubernatorial whoppers live!
Clinton: Yemen Instability a "Global Threat"
Nation Building Project to follow.
Diet De-Mystified: Why We Overeat at McDonalds
Its 'cause the food is so darn good! Just ask Marlon Brando.
Monty: Woods will Never be the Same Threat
True. His babes will insist that he use a condom.
Clinton: Al-Quaida a "Global Threat"
Suggests solution is global nuclear war.
Trump Gets Good News
Doctors in New York City were able to give Donald Trump some good news this morning. That alien thing grown to the top of his head can be removed with minimal brain damage.
Makers of new Bran/psyllium/prune flakes to take a long working vacation.
The Terrible Twos
Ozzie Osbourne bites the head off of chicken as part of his new act with Alice Cooper, Circus Freaks.
The United States and Russia promise to reduce number of 'state's enemies' within their own countries.
Bankruptcy Filings Soar in 2009; Same Prediction for 2010
Time to sell Alaska back to Russia to square with the bookies. Perhaps with Palin as part of the package?
A new university study reveals that elephants have a bigger Carbon footprint than mice!
A New Boogie Man in Town
Mercury, global warming and now fructose may be the left wing's new Boogie Man. But wait the right wing's Boogie Man has been prayer in school, abortion, gay marriage and gays in the military.
Banks Add New Checking Account and Credit Card Fees
The new checking account fees will be the lesser of your maximum account balance for the month or the balance in your savings account. Credit Card fees will be quadrupled as of the 1st of the month.
Mental Wizzard Arenas to Pay Severely for Gun Incident
Basketball Commissioner says two butt slaps and a high five ought to do it.
Washington Wizards game ratings are up 144% since the locker room shootout.
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