Spoof news snippets from Monday 4 January 2010
Former # 1 Justine Henin Wins in First Match of the Year
Insists on wearing side arm in any matches against Serena Williams.
Rosie O'Donell Opens Up Her thighs and Reveals Why She's a Lesbian
CJ-5, Gas Mask and Road Map needed to traverse the rugged bush terrain.
Cafferty: Blame US Government for Money Woes?
Well, as the Federal Government and the Banks are now one................. YOU BET!
Obama Shipping Out Prisoners
President Obama has ordered the U.S. military to transfer it's Gitmo detainees to their homelands of Afghanistan, Yemen and Somalia, where they will get their just desserts. Pie!
Palin Replies To Letterman
Sarah Palin strikes back at Letterman for his listing of top ten things better than reading Palin's books. She says that according to Dave's girlfriends, he shouldn't be allowed to go past a top 3.
Tiger Woods says he's glad that he no longer represents the Swiss watchmaker Tag Heuer. "If I'd been on time with the women, I'd never be in this mess."
Talking The Talk
President Obama stated that it was time to quit talking about global warming and begin doing something about it, and so on for another hour and a half.
He's The One!
Authorities congratulate President Barack Obama who solved global warming in one day at Copenhagen as huge snows hit US, Britain.
Not Much Happening
Cops are now testing out head-mounted cameras. So far, only pics coming in are of other cops taking a whiz, eating a doughnut or ten.
Top 10 List of World's Most Endangered Animals Is Wrong!
A list that names 10 of the world's rarest creatures in danger of extinction is wrong. At number one, the rarest of all should be the politician who does not tell lies.
Don't Mix Us Up
Muslim fanatics in the Middle East upset with actions of the
cranks, crazy and extremists.
Tiger Woods applies for dream job
Golfing ace, Tiger Woods has applied for a job on an island off the coast of Wales. He will be able to legitimately look after over half a million birds. He has previously looked after only 10!
Man in the News generous with his Views
Tiger Woods admits that every sex-mistress story written about him are true - even the ones that contradict each other.
They Become Asses
New study shows that teens who listen to songs about marijuana more likely to use it. Could be worse. What if all they listened to was Barry Manilow.
Rats, I've Forgotten!
Study: Scientists say that rat brains immediately search backwards to remember things. Bernie Madoff the only human that's been able to duplicate the feat.
"Sure, I've Got A See-Through Jackass!"
Japanese scientists say they have invented the see-through goldfish, but can't prove that it's there.
2010 Winter Olympics
In the event of a tie for top medal slot, a mass snowball fight will decide the winner.
Statistics show that despite bad economy, crime is actually down. Most say no one's got anything left worth stealing.
Frustrated terrorist blows himself up in bathroom stall after being stranded at airport for three days due to snow. Senator Larry Craig missing.
Better Shape Up!
President Obama orders CIA and FBI to share data and get along or he will replace both with the Chicago Mafia.
Most Betting JPII The 3-1 Favorite
Pope Benedict XVI moves Pope John Paul II & Pope Pius XII closer to sainthood. Now waiting to see what happens with Irish odds makers.
Party-Going congressmen switch wives! I'm sorry, that should be, two congressman switch political parties say their wives.
Military's new drone missiles to contain killer bees carrying explosives.
That Would Work!
In order to thwart terrorists, all flights to and from the US may have to become nude only.
Alphabetti Spaghetti Plot Foiled
Police today found an explosive device in a tin of alphabetti spaghetti. Had it gone off it would have spelled disaster.
Later Knighthood For Obama?
Queen Elizabeth may award Barack Obama a knighthood later "as an officer that strives for a distant ideal, a changing ideal, but one that seeks to emulate an ancient...whatever. Because I say so, OK?"
May Blow Any Time
The FBI is warning parents of all well-behaved children to be careful of the little freaks.
Brett Favre finishes season on a high note
Says "I guess I'd better throw 12 interceptions in my next game to get back to my average."
New Orleans Saints start 13-0, finish 0-3
Coach says "we figure we've got to lose ten more to get us back to .500."
Dallas Cowboys Make the Playoffs
Philadelphia Eagles hire Jessica Simpson to be at the stadium in a Romo jersey next week.
Dallas Cowboys Actually Make the Playoffs
Don't worry, they'll lose next week.
Dolly Parton Admits She Didn't Have Standard Birth
"Most women would call what my Mama had a c-section. With me, it was a double d-section."
Jimmy Carter denies being a high priest of the KKK as Obama hangs in his backgarden!
ex-Pres Jimmy Carter has denied being a high priest in the KKK, Obama is worried because he hanged a effigy depicting Obama as a "ROASTED PEANUT" in his garden!
Government warns that anyone receiving a letter that appears to contain anthrax in it should immediately place "Return to sender" and drop it back into the mail.
Walking Round In Women's Underwear!
Former mayor admits to breaking into women's homes to steal underwear as lawyer friend files a brief.
Britain's Best Job?
Britain's best job? Castaway wanted to live on remote island with just 500,000 birds for company as people flock to fill out applications.
Darwin Winners For 2009
Two bank robbers have been declared the winners of the Darwin Awards 2009 after they used too much dynamite & blew themselves & whole bank building up while trying to crack open an ATM machine.
6,000 To Be Placed In Trance
Hypnotist Chris Hughes plans to put record 6,000 people in a trance using Facebook and Twitter tonight. "Can't be done", say scientists.."pock, pock, pockock!"
Dolphins are almost as clever as humans, so treat them like people, say scientists. Governments immediately begin taxing them to death.
Smacked Kids More Successful
Young children who are smacked 'go on to be more successful'
by smacking down all competition.
Too Much TV
The youngsters who struggle to speak because their parents let them to watch too much TV. Can only shout commercials in loud voices!
May Be Sued
U.S. introduces tougher checks for 'terror-linked' countries as British passengers face 'ethnic profiling' of certain people towel heads carrying bombs in security drive.
Ryanair Charges Many Extras
'Puerile and childish' Ryanair attacked over new online payment charges such as seat near window, seat near exit, pat on the head by stewardess.
NHS Refuses Free Care
NHS refuses free care for Alzheimer's gran who lived for four days with body of dead husband. "Sorry, not enough money left after year end bonuses, parties."
Gore's Cracking Up
Tipper said to have filed for divorce after claiming that Al runs around hiding edible nuts.
New Year revelers stuck in the pub for THREE nights thanks to the heavy snow finally head home with head in their hands.
Hate Preacher Still Wants March
Now hate preacher compares our troops to the Nazis as 190,000 sign Facebook bid to stop Islamic march in Wootton Bassett. "Our suicide bombers are innocent little fuzzballs."
Ready To Face DC
Obama golfs, visits zoo, holds three hour beer conference with himself on last day in Hawaii.
Be Sure To Miss This One
'The Simpsons' marks 450th episode with special episode in which Homer Simpson drinks some beer. Barney farts at bar.
Montana Votes Suicide OK
Montana becomes the third state to allow family-assisted suicide as wealthy older citizens flee.
Wonder What Happened?
Remains of early 1900s plane with bird bones in engine found in Antarctica.
Solomon Islands Earthquake
Big quakes rock Solomon Islands, tsunami unleashed. Visiting Queen of Sheba said to be unhurt.
Yes We Freeze!
President Obama ends Hawaiian holiday, returns to Washington DC, freezes half to death.
Hank Jr. In Hall Of Fame
Hank Williams Jr. the first musician to be inducted into the National Football League's Hall of Fame. Says he's ready!
Butler Plans Celebration
Butler plans yearlong bicentennial celebration, after winning lottery, telling former employer what a bunch of brats his kids are.
Time To Reflect
Many officials reflect on past year and how they could have done things differently before being voted out of office soon.
Head Count Underway
Census Bureau kicks off once-a-decade head count. Told to beware extra heads in the circus areas.
Tunnels beneath Vegas a refuge for homeless people, who lost their homes, money at the gambling casinos.
Iran Says Foreigners Arrested
Iran says several foreigners arrested during unrest. "Or they will be foreigners as soon as we deport them."
Security Fooled By Skirt
Man skirts NJ airport security, delaying flights. Many say that the skirt shouldn't have fooled anyone, because of the heavy beard and mustache.
Seoul Receives Heavy Snow
Seoul battles heaviest snow in more than 70 years. Hanged effigies of Al Gore found all around area.
Carter Seeking Attention?
The US Secret Service is investigating an effigy of President Barack Obama found hanging from building in the hometown of ex-president Jimmy Carter. Effigy claims Carter did it himself for attention.
That Should Do It
Passengers on US-bound flights face more screening. Nude baths are the latest.
One Bad Apple
Man skirts NJ airport security, delaying flights for thousands. "I thought I was supposed to go on through."
Americans Deny Terror Plans
Americans detained in Pakistan deny terror plans. "We just love to see women have their asses whipped", states one.
Gordon Brown looses the support of dog Fluffers Brown
Fluffers will be voting Conservative in the next election said Fluffers "the Labour government has lost track" this has come to a shock to the PM as he cannot even rely on his best friend
National Centre for Dyslexia Opens in London!
Gordon Brown announced the opening of the National Centre for Dyslexia (or NDC for short) today in London. "I hope that this centre will leave many sufferers untied" announced the Prime Minister.
"Obama knows he's vulnerable on terror …" according to one tabloid
"Let you into a secret" - Obama's Party will win heavily in 2010 - 'it's a dead cert' - 'you can take that to the (bailed out) bank'.
Obama's administration annouces new security messure
Pick pockets will be let loose upon airport travelers to search for explosives and other treat items.
Rush Limbaugh boards Air Force One
Total confusion at Hawaii Airport when Limbaugh, on back pain pills, inadvertently boards President's plane. "The Secret Service ushered me aboard, who am I to refuse Secret Service requests?"
Russia's plan to clobber asteroid
cover for putting a doomsday weapon into space
Many ways to become rich
including: born rich; become rich; die rich.
Five Hot Jobs of the Future that are Available Now
McDonald's shift supervisor
Asphalt Road Maintenance Worker
Auto Lube Technician
Denny's Fry Cook
Cloud surrounds White House
and permeates into the White House: the cloud of confusion.
Scotland Yard discovers horrific truth
Peter Moore, starved half to death by his kidnappers, ate the other hostages - stripped them to the bone.
Comedy Channel sets up direct line to the British Met Office
In the alternative, if the Met Office predict that it's going to be a mild winter substitute "mild" with "so cold your balls will freeze to your legs" winter.
Obama's Administration suddenly interested in space travel
Said one of Obama's aides: "We will be absolutely fair and above board about this, we will offer the first 2 million seats to members of the Republican Party".
Bergen: "Strong Mesage Sent to Yemen"
If you continue to do nothing, we will bomb your country, shower you with money and rebuild your country to modern standards! So just give us a few of your knuckleheads and keep smiling. All is well.
Insurance Company CEO's Say They Are NOT Vampires
They say they are far more closely related to leeches.
Depression Brings Back Cattle Rustling to Texas and Oregon
Consumers advised to beware of any one day "hot off the hoof" beef sales.
U.S. Senator Says Failed Bomber "Did GOP a Favor"
Rumor is, the GOP was down to drawing straws as to who would have to pitch a "Yemen Weapons of Mass Destruction" campaign to the American public.
Phew! that was a close one, said one Senator.
Book Claims Warren Beatty Slept with 13,000 Women
Replaces Tiger on leader board in Most Active Snake competition.
Bernanke Warns Public about Creating New Bubbles
Prevention Prescription: Spend all your money on General Motors products now!
Obama Reasons With Tiger Woods
President Obama has a private talk with Tiger Woods. "We'll get to your problem in a minute but first, I tend to slice the ball to the right..."
New On The Menu
"Tater Tits" and "Bigass biscuits" removed from menu after somebody didn't get a year end bonus this year.
Change from pass as older people's smell once boiled cabbage & Vapor rub, now marijuana and sandalwood incense.
Neweark Terminal C in Lockdown After Security Breach
No one knows what or if anything actually did happen, but it is now considered an act of terrorism by TSA. U.S. Military Generals are now in flight awaiting word of which mid east country to fly to.
Melts In Your Stomach
Tennessee woman wins blue ribbon for the 230th year in a row for homemade donkey fazzo.
Attack At Airport
Security agent at Kennedy Airport chokes to death after passenger search reveals explosive diarrhea.
Tiger Woods Arrested Again
Tiger Woods was arrested for texting while driving on the 18th hole! Apparently he forgot that this new law went into effect after the New Year.
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