Spoof news snippets from Sunday 31 January 2010
Andy Murray in tears after Grand Slam
Brutal Roger leaves him red and weeping after 2 hours of punishment.
French President Sarkozy says "Bank System Operates Without Morals"
Since when has money lending ever had any?
How To Be Politically Correct 3
Do not say "Spaceman."
Say "Explorer of the Void Between Planets."
Robin Williams helps out
To make two hundred wigs for children with cancer, Robin Williams is planning to shave his arms.
Mr Spock a wingeing wastrel?
Leonard Nimoy = No Idly Moaner
Mr Spock a spacious earthworm?
Leonard Nimoy = Roomy Annelid
Mr Spock a spacious earthworm?
Leponard Nimoy = Roomy Annelid
Mr Spock slaving away to pay the alimony checks?
Leonard Nimoy = Alimony Drone
Mr Spock spying for the vegans?
Leonard Nimoy = Non-dairy Mole
French OK Burqa Ban
Suddenly the identities of 5,000,000 aliens will be known to all.
Ivana Trump shaggin' some critter?
Ivana Trump = Up a Varmint
Nancy Pelosi haemorrhoids abyss?
Nancy Pelosi = Canyon Plies
Nancy Pelosi's hooter a bit rubbery?
Nancy Pelosi = Nose Pliancy
Nancy Pelosi a cunning bitch?
Nancy Pelosi = Canine Ploys
Posh Spice fated to sing?
Victoria Beckham = Karma Bitch Voice
Posh Spice part of dumb, greedy gangsters?
Victoria Beckham = Thick Mob Avarice
Victoria Beckham living in sin with that Top Gun pilot?
Victoria Beckham = Cohabit Maverick
China Threatens "NO More Cheap Tires for U.S." over Taiwan Arms Deal
With a Chinese tread wear warranty of two months, who cares?
O'Bomba Administration: Stimulus Pays for 600,000 Jobs
Sure enough. However, those are new federal Government jobs, the most expensive form of welfare.
When Owning a Home Doesn't Pay
Anytime and All the Time in the U.S.
NKorea Accuses SKorea, US
North Korea accuses South Korea and the United States of planting huge magnet in the ocean off the coast that brings down all their missiles.
NKorea To Unload Weapons
North Korea agrees to give up it's nuclear weapons. Will fire them south tomorrow. South Korea not worried as they will all land in the ocean.
Joe Biden Tapped to Replace Conan O'Brien on Late Night!
The Vice Presidential Punster said he was flattered at the offer, but said he'd rather hang around the White House relaxing and be where no one dared say anything when he passed gas at either end.
Arkansas Not Eligible for TARP Funds!
Efforts underway, however, to cover state WITH a tarp in order to hide it from Google Earth and further embarrassment to US from other countries who already think US is nation of PIGS!
Abel Rodriquez Credited with Efforts to Clean up Arkansas!
Famous Chupacabra Whisperer and Breeder released a pack of his predators on the state's borders:" feelthy pigs be gone by manana-Hasta La Hogs!" Awarded with ultimate gift: governor's daughter.
Obama Admits He's Bored with Job, Rather be Basketball Play by Play Announcer!
He also admitted he'd like to get 'a lot more nookie' and not be under a microscope. 'A Brother got to be able to run off and get a little onst in a while," he lamented while sitting in on ESPN set.
Doctors Skirt Airlift Logjam to Save Haitian Children
U.S. children in need get O'Bomba care.
New Reports Surface on Gordon Brown's Vision!
Insiders say condition is worsening. Reports say he is 'lashing out blindly."
Toll, 2 Aides in hospital, 3 clerk typists afraid to come to work after being yanked from their seats by their neck.
Arkansas Plans #45
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Join us in getting Bill Clinton back in the White House. At least there were 'jobs' available then."
Pelosi Claims 'Wet Spot' on her Seat at State of Union "Wasn't Mine!"
Viewers noticed everytime Barry used the word 'I', Pelosi exploded in her seat.
Still flushed and week kneed after the speech, Pelosi blamed her 'condition' on a weak spring in the cushion,132 times.
Deficit will climb to $1.3 trillion, says President Obama in last week's speech to the nation. "Now comes the bad news..."
Arkansas Plans #44
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: By next Spring, you must rotate the blocks under every vehicle.
Some Habits from Arkansas Hard to Break says Hillary
Claims covering her self with Crisco and running around on all fours being chased by Bill soon wore her out. "Letting him win those greased pig contests was good for his ego but bad for my knees!"
Cub Scouts Next?
If war breaks out in Yemen, U.S. Military says it may have to call up Senior Boy Scouts. Message goes out: Be Prepared".
For All You Movie Connoisseurs out There...
Did you know who that the movie "Constipated" never came out.
Arkansas Snippet Fiends Surrounded By State Troopers
Illinois State Troopers surround Moorview Institute in Springfield Illinois. Da J-Man shouts: "Come and get me copper!"
"Arkansas" Now Most Googled State in Union!
Despite interest, most visitors to the site say "I certainly wouldn't want to live there!" Most say interest is 'morbid curiosity' and liken it to wanting to watch 'nude mud wrestling to the death!.
Obama Concedes College Grades Were Due to Perfect Attendance!
Former Professors acknowledge liberal bent and political pressure for always giving Barry Straight A's. "The fact he was always "Present" proved affirmative action really works", said Harvard Dean.
Obama Appears to Be Inclined More Toward Center
President's tailor says he convinced Barry to start 'dressing right' so inseams on both legs could be hemmed at the same length. Big balls still causing problem in popularity polls and with zipper.
Cheech and Chong's "Pot King" Marijuana Super Store Opens in California
The Oakland based Pot, Hashish and Hash Oil cafeteria style Super Store is expected to require all employees to at least start their shifts with their minds on the ground.
International Flight Diverted becasue of "Person of Interest" on Board
Reportedly, the "person of interest" was a mistress of a U.S. Senator heading for the presses.
Public "Confidence" could have been jeopardized!.
How to be Politically Correct
Don't say "Redneck."
How to be politically correct
Don't say "Enemy Combatant."
Say "Less Than Friendly Individual."
British Hostages: We're Being Badly Treated
All they feed us is American Fast Food.
Time: Are the Bible's Stories Actually True?
Of course! Archeologists will probably find Noah's Arc any day now near a petrified Garden of Eden.
Time Magazine: Is Football Just Too Dangerous?
Gee, I don't know, perhaps we should ask the European Soccer players if more pads are in order.
Obama views American blue-collar workers
with an abstract curiousity. Hence Obama's failures to live up to his promises to workers in Ohio - a state that will 'reward' Obama come November 2010.
If u think
Obama is for fulfilling American dreams - ask NASA's moon shot team.
Obama is to ideology as
cookies are to milk, and how MA/VA/NJ was to Obama's dream of one-party domination
Smuggling Haitian Kids to U.S. is New Ilegal Boom Trade
Don't we have enough kids of our own already?
Non-ideologues v. President Obama ->
"Start your engines" - "It's going to be a bumpy ride."
Arkansas Plans #43
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: Remember to kill and hang your hog/deer/cow up in the BACK yard.
Arkansas Plans #42
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: State police orders lawns mowed. "Remember, that's where two missing cars and seven missing dwarf ornaments showed up two years ago."
Cameron promises 'no swingeing cuts' in first year of Tory Government
But he can't promise there won't be any whinging cu*ts in first year of Tory Government.
Arkansas Plans #41
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: Right after Governor gets his new free Genitalia Coffee he sent for in the mail, so he can host guests. They sent the wrong 'thing' last time.
Yuban Still Alive
Saddam's other son, little-known Yuban Hussein given a safe haven by Columbian Coffee Growers Association.
Hit head On The Way Back Down
This just in: Al Qaida #4 had been killed by gunfire of those celebrating the fact that Al-Qaida #3 is still alive.
Libby Drew Short Straw
Prison mates say that Scooter Libby showed them all the short straw he drew among White House personnel.
US Changes Strategy
US mat send in trained chimps with drone weapons in gorilla warfare with Taliban.
Obama Reaches 42nd Channel
President Obama to appear on the Cartoon Channel this week. That makes 42 different channels in the first year. He'll be 'Old Weird Harold's" brother on Cosby Cartoons.
Forest Lawn Up 5% Today
With Boomers hitting their 60's in pretty bad shape, Wall Street recommends purchasing Mortuary stocks.
Vice President Joe Biden, saying he feels lonesome hiding in secret bunker, builds on two guest rooms and a wet bar.
Iraqi who turned in Saddam Hussein' hiding place seen visiting the Bush family in Dallas once again.
Bridge in Manchester Collapses
After learning of his ex fiances affair with John Terry, Wayne goes on a bender and passes out.
Company Plans To Lower White's Wages For Equality
Ethnic minority staff paid 1.00033% less than white workers at Trevor Phillips' equality watchdog.
Pakistani Taliban leader 'killed in U.S. missile strike' as witness says it caught him squarely between the cheeks as he bent over gathering firewood.
Likes The Drinks A Bit Also
'Infatuated' South Korean businessman facing five years in jail and deportation for obsession with barmaid, bar.
Taxi! I Need To Go To Paris
Parliamentary watchdog chief 'claimed £16,000 from the taxpayer for cab fares' Browm names new watchdog chief overseer.
British Godfather In Charge
British Godfather 'threatened enemies from on Facebook from maximum security jail'. 10,000 others apply for 'friends' status.
New Terrorist Tactics
Terrorists 'plan attack on Britain with bombs INSIDE their bodies' to foil new airport scanners. Thick walled trampoline tests may be constructed.
Angry Gordon Brown 'hit out at aide, farted in critics face and yanked secretary from her chair': Sensational claims in new book rock No10.
Mickelson Says He's Not Cheating
Mickelson not taking "cheating" accusation lightly. "Tiger really does need help."
Carnival/Super Bowl News
N'Orleans Carnival parades adjust for Super Bowl. "We'll try to keep the Carnival noise down as much as we can", vows director.
Sport Head Injuries
All clear? Head injuries get attention from states. "Hey, you big guys with no necks, did you hear this?"
New Morning-After Pill
New morning-after pill works for up to 5 lays...that should be, "Five Days".
Shiny gadget, icky name: iPad jokes fly on Web, second only to TheSpoof Arkansas snippets.
Nintendo chief unimpressed with Apple's iPad. "We are not amused."
Amazon Profits Up!
Amazon 4Q profit climbs 71 pct on strong holidays, especially Kwanzaa!
Hilary buys birthday card in Clintons
Hilary Clinton was in London today and was seen in card shop Clinton's. She is also the mystery buyer of Churchill's unfinished cigar which she will ad to her collection including husband bill's cigar
Good Bumper Sticker
Study: Distracted driving laws don't stop crashes. Distracted drivers cause crashes!
Too Late For That
Davos forum considers world economy on last day. Conclusion: No use worrying now, if the last day is here.
No Big Thing
UN climate chief plays down scandals, lies, misinformation, faked movies and goofy Michael Moore, Al Gore.
Help On The Way
AP Sources: Govt blesses Toyota gas pedal fix. Applying the glue-remover from bottom of pedals shouldn't take long.
Obama Offers Sympathy
Obama taking populist tone in fight over jobs. "I feel your pain. I'm about to lose my job too."
Just Bring The Money!
Obama seeks $200M to help cities host 9/11 trials. Cub Corner in Bear Wallow, Kentucky volunteers.
Snow A Mess
Snow storm that covered South heads off to sea, as some US Navy vessels get up to a foot of new snow.
Haiti workers hand out 'women-only' aid coupons for feminine napkins.
Afghan Appeals To Taliban
Afghan leader appeals to Taliban to lay down guns, rocket launchers, missiles and nuclear weapons.
Obama Pushing Nuclear Plants
Obama pushes nuclear energy to boost climate bill, would change most of Bush Nucklar plants by 2011.
Super Bowl Coming Up
WHO urging public to have homes tested for radon, help finding drunken and missing Peter Townsend.
10,000 Fans Greet Cast of 'Lost'
More than 10,000 fans greeted the cast of "Lost" on Waikiki Beach and were treated to a special screening of upcoming season premiere. Then have trouble finding their way back home.
New Miss America
22-year-old goes from Miss Watermelon Seed Spitting Festival to Miss Virginia to Miss America
Federer Reigns, Prolongs Drought
Federer reigns after winning 16th major, prolongs British drought
A Different War
US Marines facing a 'different war' in Afghanistan. Mainly the presence of terrorists from a dozen other countries.
Cut-Up Rip Torn Arrested
Actor Elmore "Rip" Torn has been charged with breaking into a Connecticut bank and carrying a loaded handgun while intoxicated. Then making jokes on the street while throwing money into the air.
All Our Allies In Persian Gulf
US upgrades defense of Persian Gulf allies...the United Arab Emirates.
Bailouts Hurt System?
Watchdog: Bailouts created more risk in system. But Watchcat group recommends ignoring the whole thing.
Baptists Attack Haiti
A group of 10 American Baptists were being held in the Haitian capital Sunday after trying to take 33 children out of country, actually feeding & clothing the poor little ones.
Taliban Chief Dead?
Pakistan checks reported death of Taliban chief. Report that he's still moving a little bit.
Shakespeare proves money is "much ado about nothing" he's dead!
US lottery winner Mr.Shakespeare has proven The Baird right, money is "much ado about nothing" and is found murdered. Macbeth in Florida, tragic end, warning all multi millionaires, read Shakespeare!
Arizona Police find Hundreds of Pounds of Marijuana in Septic Tank Truck
Truck owner claims he needed it as a deodorizer.
Obama Meets with Republicans and Chides Them for Being too Partisan
Republicans listen politely, then chant in unison, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me."
John Edwards and Tiger Woods to Team Up for New Consulting Firm
"SexMasters, LLC" Where Tiger will provide expert information on the finer points of shankster girl kinky sex STD's while John advises on the best way to destroy your family AND your career.
O'Bomba Prepares for Exit by Becoming College Hoops Analyst
According to experts, he has the "in and out" call down pat.
Why Taliban Fighters Can't Be Bought Off
They aren't American Fighters.
O'Bomba Learns the Lessons of Clinton
Specifically, the Lady Runs the House.
Passenger Catches TSA Police Asleep at Work wit Video
Military Tribunal and Summarial Execution to Follow
For the passenger, that is.
Wounded Leno Says "I'm Sorry for BF'n Conan...
It wasn't just a "BF'n" Jay it was a Power Bf'n
Backpeddling; O'Bomba Says "Deficit" will Prevent Recovery
Now that an excuse card has been tendered, here is a response:
Go to the Banker boys sell them back their worthless salami slices and level up the deficit.
O'Bomba Rail Project Could Have Job Creation Legacy
Corruption and Bribes Legacy More likely.
Rip Torn Arrested for Burlarizing Bank
Says Madonna put him up to it after a torrid night together.
New O'Bomba State of the Union Speech Plan Being Developed
The New Plan is to have music playing in the background as O'Bomba speaks. First up is "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden"
Ms. Virginia Bends Over, Wins Ms. American Bendover Crown
Wearing a custom Britney Spears Outfit, Ms. Virginia WOW'ed them with a sight spectacular, propelling her to victory.
Amazon Implements New Book Burning Policy
If they can't make their mark, the books burn. Burn, Baby Burn.
Arkansas Plans #40
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism; "You don't have to be crazy to work here, but...actually, come to think of it..."
Arkansas Plans #39
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Home of the world's only hog-busting rodeo!"
Arkansas Plans #38
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Come for the hawg-calling contest, stay for the incest!"
Arkansas Plans #37
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: Now 99 and 44/100th Clinton Free!
Arkansas Plans #36
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Got Teeth?"
Arkansas Plans #35
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Bring your children here and we'll learn 'em"
Arkansas Plans #34
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: Where every single day it's a "a fine how-do-you-do!"
Arkansas Plans #33
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Where we never dispose of our douche, but recycle it."
911 Trials Location Now Determined
To be Held in Backyard of Donald Rumsfeld. Donald to carry out sentences immediately thereon.
Gates Makes $ 10 B in Vaccine Pledge
The dangerous disease immunization program will be administered with pre-loaded syringes that come free in all Microsoft Seven Operating System Packages.
Taylor Swift Sets New Record
Weighing in at a trim 78lbs. beats all others for Music Industry's "Nothing from Nothing Leaves Nothing" Award.
Scott McCarron Accuses Phil Mickelson of Cheating with Old Clubs
But acknowledges if Tiger used the same clubs it wouldn't be cheating.
Can somebody please ring up ol' Tiger and tell him "its OK now?"....and hurry up about it.
Policital Correctness at it again
In New York City, the access ways to the sewers in the streets will now be called "People-holes" and be covered with "person-hole covers"
U.S. Speeds Arms Build Up in Gulf
Another Invasion & Occupation Opportunity Awaits. Bush & Blair to be Reactivated
Wanted: Plumber's Assistant
No experience needed. Must be willing to learn. Ass-crack revealing pants provided.
Used Oats and Health Care Reform
Advertising TV Hucksters, try to sell tampons during the dinner hour. Democratic left wing TV political hucksters, try to sell the same old used oats about health care reform during the news hour!
Printing Press Manufactures Association Award
The PPMA has awarded President Obama, HS Pelosi and SML Reid their prestigious "Red-Ink" award. PPMA wants to thank them for all the hardware bought by the FED and the US Mint this year.
House Speaker Pelosi has a proposed 3000 page bill that will establish a $2.0 trillion Gas Pedal Inspection Agency (GPIA), as part of the president's jobs creation program!
Green Power Generation
Scientists have discovered that when 150 million Americans yell at Obama, Pelosi and Reid appearing on their TV sets, there is enough sonic energy generated to power the 150 million TV sets.
Change we can See
Democratic President Obama laid out his ten month plan to a Republicans Caucus on how to unseat Empress Pelosi in the fall elections. Both parties can then move ahead and do the people's business.
Osama bin Laden blames the USA for global bad air. All this time 300 million Americans have blamed it on Osama, for not taking a bath in nine years of living in a cave.
A Sign of the Times
President Truman had a sign on his desk that read "The Buck Stops Here!" President Obama has a sign on his desk that reads "President George W Bush did it!"
Voo Doo Doll Sighting
The Reverend Pat Robertson has been seen sticking pins into a Voo Doo doll that resembles far left wing Democratic House Speaker Pelosi.
Touchy Political Subject
Raising the subject of Gays in the Military during the US State of the Union address, President Obama threw a boner to his far left wing Democratic supporters.
President Obama rows backwards about his Supreme Court prognostications. House Speaker Pelosi rows backwards about her health care prognostications. Anyone know any synonyms for rowing backwards?
President Obama wants to double the USA's exports in the next 5 years. China, Germany and the UK want the USA to double imports from their countries in the next 5 years.
Podex Society Relocates to California
The "Podex" Society has relocated to San Francisco CA from Blue Ball PA. Members realized that Amish Country was the wrong place for their activities. The new venue is expected to work out in the end.
Just Kidding, Maybe
PERSON 1: Please say something good about Arkansas! PERSON 2: President William Jefferson Clinton. PERSON 1: Oops!
A new type of security scanner was used by the Secret Service during the US State of The Union Address. It showed that Democratic House Speaker Pelosi was really Hugo Chavez with a boob job!
Chinese Land on Mars
YIN: We are the first two astronauts to land on Mars, where are the Americans? YANG: Building railroad passenger trains that no one can afford or wants to ride.
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