Order by:
Rating:

Serena Rules Down Under

Indeed she does. In between sets, she ripped some thunder that rocked the stadium.

written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Gay Dating Ad Sacked by CBS

"Not 2 Queer 4 U" ad featuring Rosie O'Donnell in a bath tub considered too scary for children.

written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Airlines Begin Putting Hundreds of Pilots on Furlough

As half the country is put on "No Fly List"

written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Could $$$ Deal End War with Taliban?

Sounds like Attila the Hun, All OveraGun

written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Justice Department Scrutinizing BCS Scheme

In ploy to get more free tickets to BCS Games for family and friends.

written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Toyota: Gas Pedal Fix Near

In the Meantime, Use only the Brake Pedal

written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Rating:

"My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean, My Bonnie Lies Over The Sea,...."

Sounds to me like Bonnie needs to learn how to tell the truth.

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

State hopes to raise money to pay for this by turning in population as part of "Cash for Clunkers."

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Jethro Bodine no longer permitted as the poster child for the state's higher education.

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Sanitary human waste removal facilities will be referred to as restrooms or bathrooms, not crappers or shitters.

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Metallic knives, forks, and spoons will replace plastic sporks at all state dinners.

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Rejected State Motto: Arkansas; Where a girl acting sheepish is a whole other turn-on.

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

New State Motto Suggestion: We're training the Young Woman of the future to be footloose and fancy free, not just barefoot and pregnant.

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

New State Law: No more shotguns at wedding, even if your daughter is pregnant or dove season just started.

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Rejected State Motto: Real soon, our biggest city's gonna have enough people to call it Large Rock

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Rejected State Motto Idea: Arkansas, where the family of the bride is also the family of the groom.

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Left Out Of "Twilight; New Moon"

Part left out of recent Twilight movie: "We've got one of those suckers trapped", yelled the Sergeant. "He's in the funhouse of mirrors and he'll never be able to see himself out!"

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Nick Griffin Is Confident in Winning the Next Election

BNP leader, Nick Griffin, looks forward to winning the next General Election after reading how Margaret Thatcher won hers by eating 28 eggs a day. He says that he gets pelted by at least 30 a day.

written by IN SEINE, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Snow Job

Storm dumps 4-7" of snow on Northern Arkansas, causes power outage. Weather service expects 4-7" more tonight. Huddled with brother/father under blanket for warmth, Britney Sue expects same.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Council Offers Taxi Drivers Application Forms in Braille.

Portsmouth city council are offering taxi permits for drivers in Braille!
However, Portsmouth is well known for its 'blind alleys'.

written by IN SEINE, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Governor Declares Emergency

Gov. Mike Beebe declares emergency in Arkansas after massive winter storm leaves most of state without power. Millions of frozen residents unable to read stupid snippets making fun of them.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Mini Problem gets Bigger

News headline: "Honda recalls 646,000 minicars"

written by Tcoah, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Britney hires dog sickness 'tec

Britney Spears = Rent Rabies Spy

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Britney grasses up gunman?

Britney Spears = Betrays Sniper

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Britney ensnared by religion?

Britney Spears = Nearby Priests

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Check of Britney's church affiliation!

Britney Spears = Presbyterians

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Clinton hometown talking dirty?

Little Rock, Arkansas = Re: Anorak's Clit Talks

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Miss Arkansas 2010 Is A Moose

No, really. She really is a moose.

written by Skoob1999, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Clinton hometown makes eunuchs of JFK grassy knoll deniers

Little Rock, Arkansas = Castrate A Knoll Risk

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Bill Clinton hometown dragged into Scottish church tragedy

Little Rock, Arkansas = Lost A Ancestral Kirk

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Bill Clinton's Zaprudder footage Irish detractors

Little Rock, Arkansas = Knoll's IRA Attackers

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Clinton's birthplace honored

Little Rock, Arkansas = Askance A Skirt Troll

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Lydon on Iraq

"The war on Iraq was illegal but the war on Cowell is pleasingly legal."

written by iscrivener, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Tolerates Mutants

"We don't have a choice," Spokesman says. "If'n we gut rid of the mutants they'd be nobody left heah."

written by Skoob1999, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Rush Libaugh chucks fudgepacker

Rush Limbaugh = I Hurl Bum Shag

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Rush Limbaugh a Bush Jr stooge?

Rush Limbaugh = Hail Shrub Mug

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Rush Limbaugh in the doldrums...

Rush Limbaugh = Ah, Glum Hubris

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Rush Libaugh secrets revealed...

Rush Limbaugh = A Bush Girl Hum...He Screwed Jenna?????

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Pamphlet mailed to all residents advises: "The little pinetree shaped deororizers are for your car...not a necklace."

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

GOP piss-takling?

Republican Party = Claptrap By Urine

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Children who are kept after school for disciplinary reasons should find their parents playing on the monkey bars awaiting their release.

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

GOP's subterranean FGM policy?

Republican Party = Prune Labia Crypt

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

A hunting license, fishing license, marraige license, and drivers license will no longer be on the same form.

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

GOP's Sarah Palin 2008 freakshow?

Republican Party = Run Lippy Cabaret

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Persons with four first names, such as Billy Joe Jim Bob, should decide which one to put on their nametags.

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Plans #32

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Where the 42nd President of The United States Could Pop Out Any Trailer Door At Sunrise!"

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Miss Arkansas pageant contestants to be taught that Miss Congeniality will no longer be the girl who puts out for the most judges.

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

GOP? They're just pussycats!

Republican Party = Capable Tiny Purr

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

GOP pay-as-you go grease?

Republican Party = Pre-pay Lubricant

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Plans #31

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Where You're Never More Than Five Miles From A Moonshine Still"

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

GOP prudes?

Republican Party = Capably Prurient

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Artificial Turf will be put down at local ballfields to keep the cheerleaders from grazing.

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

The state will no longer base their economy on the amount of trading done at the flea market.

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Plans #30

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Sharp As A Razorback, And Prettier Too!

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

All girls in the Miss Arkansas Pageant will be required to shave their legs and armpits before the swimsuit competition.

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Plans #29

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Let The New Madrid Fault Shake! We're On Wheels!"

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Halloween vampire teeth will no longer be sold as dentures.

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Plans #28

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Home of the 300-Mile Trailer Park Yard Sale!"

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Plans #27

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "We average two more teeth than those in Kentucky!"

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Pamphlet mailed to all residents advises: "Remember, it isn't nice to refer to them colored fellers as Porch Monkeys."

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Plans #26

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism:"We Are Family...All State Kinfolks Are We!"

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Plans #25

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Our Beast of Bentonville can whip King Kong and Godzilla's ass!"

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Plans #24

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: Governor orders all pink flamingos in the yard to be repainted.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Dems dragging heels on legalising drugs

Democratic Party = Tardy Coca Permit

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Dems' desert plant prey

Democratic Party = My Cacti Predator

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Dems' daft frozen verse

Democratic Party = Arctic Mad Poetry

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Dems check out northern tundra hair balsam

Democratic Party = Try Arctic Pomade

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Dems back teetotal Saudi loyalist

Democratic Party = Dry Mecca Patriot

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Dems ok military marijuana plan

Democratic Party = Accredit Army Pot

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Dems' underground heartcare plan

Democratic Party = Aorta Medic Crypt

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Dems commited to statistics secrecy

Democratic Party = More Cryptic Data

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Dems guard winter theatricals

Democratic Party = Protect Icy Drama

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Dems' frozen bullring vault

Democratic Party = Matador Ice Crypt

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Dems' funnyman plug-in advice

Democratic Party = Try Comic Adapter

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Plans #23

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Imagine Mississippi Without All That Pazazz!"

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Dems' fetid dumpster blamed

Democratic Party = A Dirty Compacter

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Plans #22

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism. "Visit the third world without leaving the USA"

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Dems' secrets revealed!

Democratic Party = Cramped Atrocity

written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Plans #21

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism. Changes state emblem from buzzard to vulture.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arizona Police Bust Septic Truck Holding $400k of MJ!

Ad Sign on truck said, "Your Shit is my Bread and Butter!" Cops say after sampling product Driver is now in the middle of a shit sandwich, no matter whose septic tank he claims he pumped.

written by Morse, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Interactive Monkey Zoo in Pattyla Big Hit with Russians!

Stoned Russians at Zoo having time of their lives in Shit Slinging Wars with Chimps. "This is more fun than paint ball games with those Chetniks." said one. Curators say Chimps still bored but happy.

written by Morse, 30 January 2010
Rating:

"Ted The Head" Hired

Ted Williams head to manage the Washington Nations Baseball Team this season. Will manage from special cooler-type booth.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Six Killed in Pedi Cab Road Rage Incident in Pattyla!

An elephant, cut off, bumped, and flipped off while trying to navigate a Pattyla round about, crushed 3 pedi cabs, their occupants, and a side walk vendor in a fit of road rage. A Caution was issued.

written by Morse, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Deflation Follows Speech

President Obama's reassurance that inflation will not happen while he is president encourages everyone but those with erectile dysfunction & wives.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

It's Been Confirmed

Actuaries, after consulting with astronomers, say that there really are more grains of sand in the sea than stars in the sky, but new discoveries could change that.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Thais Flock to New Screen Sensation: "Elephants Gone Wild!"

'taint nothin' mate," said UK visitor, "seen worse on the M5 at rush hour. We don't usually splash all those guts and gore on the front page, I will say that, though! Bloody Rags!"

written by Morse, 30 January 2010
Rating:

They Be Drones Aboarrrrd

US may place military drones on any ships near the area of the Somali pirates. "Ahoy, be ye friend or.." BOOM!

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Troops Getting Good Training

Training for Special Forces being trained at Fort Huachuca, Arizona for desert-like conditions and near Las Vegas for other types of climate, including three-day passes.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Tripped Battery Security Alarms

Snowstorm which caused several blackouts in the Southeast after knocking out electricity blamed by dozens of burglars for getting caught.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Used Other Player's Jersey, Helmet

Richie Incognito lost his job with the Rams because of a pair of personal fouls. He also lost $50,000. "I still don' see how they knew it was me", stated Incognito.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Clouds To Shade Death Valley

Ralph Nader already dropping hints: I will seed clouds and remove drought areas if elected next president.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

New Postage Stamps

New postage stamps issued with Idi Amin and Pol Pot, both remembered for their war against overpopulation.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Dart Player Wes Newtons winning dart falls to the ground

Dart player Wes Newtons winning dart falls out of the board to the ground to remind him of Newtons law of gravity.

written by SPECTRUM, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Political Correctness at it's worst.

A man with ancestors from many different places insists on being called an European/Asian/African/South American/North American/Australian-American.

written by Xinix Xaxx, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Huge Storm Predicted

Responding to foul weather alerts people cleared stores of bread. In an unrelated story, the local bakery recently bought the National Weather Service.

written by Xinix Xaxx, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Wanted: Mascot

Must have big goofy head with oversize features. Fur a plus. Garish colours very good. Giant feet very good, dancing ability a plus. If you have a costume with the above features, that's good too.

written by Xinix Xaxx, 30 January 2010
Rating:

New Warning Label 4

On a bag of cement "Not for use as a floatation device. Shoes made from this will sink."

written by Xinix Xaxx, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Animal Rights Terrorist Trampled

Chester Twitfield was trampled to death by a hippopotamus he freed from a local zoo before it was put to death. Twitfield's last words were, "Is this ironic or what?"

written by Xinix Xaxx, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Political Correctness goes awry

The American Military will no longer issue dog tags to members. American Service men and women will now be issued Canine-American tags.

written by Xinix Xaxx, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Pet Vs Computer

Today a large very hungry tabby cat ate every single computer mouse in a local Radio Shed store.

written by Xinix Xaxx, 30 January 2010
Rating:

New Warning Label 3

On a cell phone..."For EXTERNAL USE ONLY"

written by Xinix Xaxx, 30 January 2010
Rating:

David Walliams on Iraq

"The war in Iraq was legal and so is shagging your granny."

written by iscrivener, 30 January 2010
Rating:

David Walliams on Iraq

"The war in Iraq was legal and so is shagging your granny."

written by iscrivener, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Prince Phillip on Iraq

"The war in Iraq was legal and so is fox hunting, Tally Ho!"

written by iscrivener, 30 January 2010
Rating:

The FBI on Iraq

"The war in Iraq was legal and so was the shooting of John Lennon."

written by iscrivener, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Roman Knife Predats Swiss

The Roman Army Knife including skeleton key to chastity belts: Or how the ingenuity of the Swiss was beaten by 1,800 years.


written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Scientists Warn Of Global Cooling

Cold comfort: Pictures show seal pups, members of England's polar bear club. revelling in the Arctic conditions... in Lincolnshire, Britain.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Police Find Two Snoozing Away

Exit, bear left: Attempt to tranquilize marauding animal gets a little hairy as shooter hits his partner, then his own foot.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

City Council Clueless

City council issues 'inclusive' taxi driver licence applications in BRAILLE. "We cannot show favors", states apparent idiot.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Saudi Clerics Issue Fatwa to Regulate Fatwas!

Concerned they can't keep up with Fatwas, Clerics say they are limiting number of Fanatics that can issue them. Push is also on to put all Fatwas under one simple umbrella: EVERYBODY MUST DIE!

written by Morse, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Council Snoopers Get their Thrills

Council snoopers question five-year-olds on home life. "Does daddy make mum make whimpering moans at night?"

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Blair Under Fire

You're a liar and murderer they screamed at him: Fury in public gallery as Blair says 'I have not a regret' but few shoes thrown.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Toyota Chief Apologizes

Toyota chief apologises to motorists as it is revealed 'sticky accelerator' problem could affect Citroën, Peugeot & walkers along highways.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Developer Outwits Planners

Property developer outwits planners by building £500,000 home disguised as a barn, another as a silo.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Judge Advises John Terry

High Court judge tells England captain John Terry you can't keep affair with team mate's girlfriend, especially after I've just told everyone.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Pork For Porking

Pork better for sex than Viagra? Tiger Woods to promote "the other white meat".

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

More Golf Cheats

McCarron accuses PGA star Mickelson, three others of 'cheating'. No mistress, just using a different club.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Elastic Bands can't fix Greece

Germany to Greece: "Your profligate ways are coming to an end."

written by Tcoah, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Not Impressed

Nintendo chief unimpressed with Apple's iPad, even with the one he was spotted using later.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

New Tory Vote Catcher Catchphrase

"DSS welcome!"

written by iscrivener, 30 January 2010
Rating:

"Sticky Pedals" causing severe work-related stress

Superman books himself into voluntary rehab - "So many sticky pedals, so little time."

written by Tcoah, 30 January 2010
Rating:

The Queen on Iraq

"The war in Iraq was legal and so is keeping down the proletariat."

written by iscrivener, 30 January 2010
Rating:

The Pope on Iraq

"The war in Iraq was legal and so was Hitler's invasion of Poland."

written by iscrivener, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Blair on Iraq

"The war in Iraq was legal and so is using class C drugs."

written by iscrivener, 30 January 2010
Rating:

David Cameron Op Shock

Tory leader David Cameron is to undergo removal of a life time irritable skin tag - his tongue!

written by iscrivener, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Not so Jazzy now

"Honda recalls 650,000 Jazz cars worldwide"

written by Tcoah, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Hilary Clinton dumping Obama

"... about bloody time"

written by Tcoah, 30 January 2010
Rating:

UN invents "Virtual Glacier Melting"

As above

written by Tcoah, 30 January 2010
Rating:

NASA Pissed Over Budget

NASA to get more money, but must scratch moon plan, new piss-to-water machines.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Jobless Object

Obama: Cutting deficit as important as job growth. "Not to we who are jobless", say critics.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

"A rude awakening"

Obama's declares he's "No ideologue" - yeah, and gravity works backwards

written by Tcoah, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Comparing UK to Thailand

New resident says "Back home you couldn't shit where you ate, over here no one gives a shit where you shit of if you shit a'tal.Nice to be able to just shit without thinking, clears yer fooking mind!"

written by Morse, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Remember Clintons & Chinese

Critics raise specter of foreign campaign spending on US elections as if their funding hasn't been funneled in for the past 50 years.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Obama Blind Spot

GOP: Obama has 'blind spot' on terror war. "Good jobs can't help dead people."

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Obama undermines American Security

Cancels F22 knowing Russia has plans to export its copy of the F22 to America's enemies.

written by Tcoah, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Books A Must

Books a must-have even in sluggish economy according to poll. Mostly books about survival.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

"America Should Reach for the Stars"

Obama's version: I dont' want NASA going to the moon. In fact, I want them grounded.

written by Tcoah, 30 January 2010
Rating:

UK Poet Trades in Lady Bugs for Lady Boys: Claims he's Glad He S witched!

Commenting on the difference in pests while sipping a Rum Toddy on Pattaya Beach, writer says, "Lady Boys don't bite and swarm all over ya ...back home you went to jail if ya told one to bugger off!"

written by Morse, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Pretending to be doing something

Obama declares "$5,000 tax break per new hire" when he knew or should have known that it will be: "up to $5,000 tax break per new hire".

written by Tcoah, 30 January 2010
Rating:

A Little Depressed

Southeastern US stares down icy, snowy, wind-chilling, good time for a suicide weekend.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Next Year: Hawaii

Snow causes cancellation of The National Nudist Convention in Bar Harbor, Maine!

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Ford Motor Cars - 'doing it for themselves'

sales booming, profits soaring and a partridge in a pear tree

written by Tcoah, 30 January 2010
Rating:

UN Climat Chief Knew "Too Much" but did "Too Little"

that the Himalayan glacier melting report was widely inaccurate, but failed to correct the report ahead of Copenhagen

written by Tcoah, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Tourists' Most Memorable Visions of Pattaya

Bunch of Dead Poets just hangin' around waiting to be discovered

written by Morse, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Tsars virus?

Russian President Vladimir Putin was criticised today for appointed a new drugs tsar. "It's in bad taste, we got rid of the tsars a century ago and now they're bringing them back," said a peasant.

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Pentagon Starts Cock

Pentagon starts cock on lifting gay ban. I'm sorry, that should be "Pentagon starts clock on lifting gay ban."

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Poll: Would You Take a Sex Vacation in Arkansas?

Readers Reply:" Not in a Pigs Ass....Unless I couldn't get my visa for Pattyla!"

written by Morse, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Miss American Contest

53 beauty queens from 53 different states vie for Miss America crown.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

US Military Backs Off

The U.S. military says it has halted flights carrying Haitian earthquake victims to the United States in a dispute over French saying we're 'taking over' Haiti.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Elin Woods' Simple Solution to Tiger's Sex Situation!

SNIP IT!

written by Morse, 30 January 2010
Rating:

It's The Regulators Inquisition!

Regulators shut down banks in 5 states "Just because we can!"

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Japanese Less Worried About Recall

Japan not as worried about US Toyota recalls, as long as they don't have to recall their cars locally in Japan.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Bin Laden Not Happy

Bin Laden blasts US for climate change, Swine Flu, Haiti earthquake, common cold and "causing me to live on stuff that gives me the shits."

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

You'll Need Binoculars To Really Appreciate

Biggest and Brightest Full Moon of 2010 Tonight, as Kirstie Alley positions herself atop the Empire State Building!

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Afghan Taliban Punked

Afghan Taliban deny meeting with United Nation's representatives. Apparently it was Tareq and Michaele Salahi once again.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Hang 'Em High!

Skyrocketing costs may have doomed NYC terrorist trial plan as one million hanging mob outside door could have been a problem.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

No To Exchanges!

China suspends military exchanges with US. US citizens say that that is alright with them.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

3D porno films are on their way, Caligula is the first, dirty old Romans!

A 3D porno version of Caligula is about to ejaculate all over the planet, cinemas are busy designing Roman temples inside for the 3D orgies, price includes condoms and a quickie in the break!

written by Jaggedone, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Snoop Dogg wants to appear in Coronation Street

When Irishman John Murphy heard that Snoop Dogg wants to appear in Coronation Street he asked how is he going to cope
without Charlie Brown.

written by SPECTRUM, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Woods they are all in rehab

Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood has checked into rehab because of booze,Tiger Woods in rehab because of birdies and birdie Woody Woodpecker is in rehab because he can't stop pecking.
Would you believe it.

written by SPECTRUM, 30 January 2010
Rating:

John Edwards Sex Tape Not Drawing Well on UTube!

According to internet ratings John's romp with pregnant mistress, entitled
"Hump a Frump" just isn't making it finishing even behind Letterman tape
"What I'd Do to My Interns if I had 10 inches!"

written by Morse, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Obama Vows to Back College Football Playoff Scheme!

President says it will give him something to watch on Saturdays between December and June, which only features basketball now. Players demand salaries and benefits must rise to match new shedule!

written by Morse, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Clinton Library in Arkansas Taken off National Register!

Said one disgusted tourist returning to her Bus Tour, " Who would want to spend their time and money visiting this' Pig Stye'..it's all just about HIM!"

written by Morse, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Jesse Jackson & Al Sharpton Protest New Arkansas Ad Campaign!

Seeking financial compensation, the pair of racial extortionists took exception to new ad campaign touting Pork as "The Other White Meat." Danny Glover agrees to be spokesman praising Dark Meat!

written by Morse, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Pig Farmers Rally for More Government 'Porkulus' Programs!

"We've been advocating this alternative to sex for years," said Bubba Mayberry,
"we stand fully behind it...if you hold their ears they don't even move much, and even appear to enjoy it!"

written by Morse, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Residents Deemed Nation's Most 'Optically Challenged!'

Nutritionists and Optometrists lay blame on Natives' Propensity for, and addiction to, PULLED PORK. "If they keep this up," said one expert, "eventually they'll even lose sight of themselves!"

written by Morse, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Careers on the Rise and Fall

Falling: Postal Carrier, Bank Teller, Teacher, Human Resources Manager.

Rising: Government Executive, Torture Specialist, Presidential Grief Counselor, Burger Flipper, Spoof Writer.

written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Pentagon Starts Clock on Gay Women

New Rules to prohibit slow lifting of skirts for other women. Only quickies to be allowed.

written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Toyota Says New Gas Pedals Being Shipped From Afghanistan

Once installed, just step on the gas and KABOOM! you are now a land mine victim

written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Barbara Streisand: Corporations Taking Over U.S.

Really Barb, I hadn't noticed.

written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Texas Leads in High Growth Rate Cities for Spoofers

San Antonio, Texas leading with biggest Tall Tale Tellers next to Bush City

written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Rating:

New Report: Ultrasound Not Foolproof

No matter the findings, it could still be an alien.

written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Rating:

George Stephanopolous Learns He is Related to Hillary Clinton

through an ancient humanoid, Brainalessanus Assahollis

written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Government: Don't Send Breast Milk to Haiti

U.S. Troops Busy Inspecting all Functional Breasts, say Plenty to Go Around.

written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Honda Recalls 646,000 Cars

Says Fit for Fire Sales Only.

written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arnold Shwartzenegger Implimints New Cost Cutting Plan in Education Sector

Starting in Fall, 2010, all entering High School Students who can pass a statewide test for 6th grade literacy will be given a H.S. Diploma, thus saving the State a ton of money.

written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Top Private Bankers Hold Meeting on How to Fight Government Reforms

The meeting is being held at the regular place, Jekyll Island.

written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Government GDP Report Overstates Economy Health

Nooooo, that just can't be true.

written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Rating:

O'Bomba Team Unveils New "Double Stimulus Program"

All Busted Broke Citizens will be provided with two dozen "Double Coupon" coupons to aid their grocery shopping finances. Coupons distributed upon receipt of 1040 Filings.

written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Rating:

U.S. Economy Grows at Fastest Pace in any Six Second Period Known

According to White House Propagandists, the U.S. Economy grew like no tomorrow during a six second period when $25 B was turned over to Government Motors to purchase their entire production for 2010.

written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Snapshots #01

The Arkansas Board of Education is instructing teachers to tell their students that grandparents will no longer be allowed to be brought in for 'Show & Tell.'

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Snapshots #02

The Arkansas Department of Food and Nutrition has stated that cornbread will no longer be allowed to be used as a main course.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Snapshots #03

Arkansas has passed an ordinance making it illegal for a male resident to take his own cousin to the high school senior prom no matter how many of her children he may have fathered.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Snapshots #04

The state of Arkansas has announced that the age old practice of trying to force dogs to mate with cats will no longer be tolerated, no matter how happy it may appear to make the dogs.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Snapshots #05

The Arkansas school system will ask the teenage girls that they please refer to their breasts as breasts and not as 'Dem thangs dat my boyfriend likes to be suckin' on.'

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Snapshots #06

The Arkansas Board of Health states that teenage boys will no longer be allowed to put a girl's kazoo in their mouth's without her permission.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Snapshots #07

Arkansas restaurants will no longer be allowed to serve vegetable soup that contains possum eyes, squirrel nuts, or beaver lips.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Snapshots #08

All Arkansas police officers will be asked to please start wearing their boxer shorts underneath their uniforms instead of over them.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Snapshots #09

The governor of Arkansas has issued a proclamation stating that beer will no longer be allowed as a lunch box beverage for students in grades 1 through 6.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Snapshots #10

Arkansas in order to present a more favorable impression to the rest of the states asks all of its residents to please remember that the state beverage is milk and not moonshine.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Snapshots #11

The Arkansas Legislature has just passed a bill that shotguns will no longer be allowed in church.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Snapshots #12

Arkansas will no longer allow the practice of Kentucky Fried Chicken drive-thru's selling chicken feed.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Snapshots #13

The Arkansas Legislature has just announced a new law that makes the old habit of making sling shots out of grandma's old bras illegal.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Snapshots #14

Arkansas is spending thousands of dollars on billboards reminding women with 10 or more kids that birth control pills work much better when taken orally than when inserted into their joyboxes.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Snapshots #15

Arkansas has just issued a mandate instructing that all of the state's firemen please ride in the fire truck instead of on their horse.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Snapshots #16

The Arkansas Health Organization has stated that effective immediately all state sponsored blood drives will be used to collect blood and blood only; not ear wax, belly button lint, or sperm.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Snapshots #17

Effective immediately all Arkansas teachers are asked to teach the students that the state insect is the honeybee and not the damn cockroach.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Snapshots #18

Arkansas has started a billboard program which states that the state song is "Arkansas You Run Deep In Me" and not "The Hokey Pokey."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Snapshots #19

The Arkansas Chamber of Commerce will conduct an ad promotion stating that Arkansas is the Trout Capital of The USA and not the Trouser Trout Capital of The USA.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Snapshots #20

Arkansas wants to remind each one of its citizens that the state mineral is Quartz Crystal and not petrified razorback shit.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Another reason to go alien

Alien Cars not prone to recalls

written by Tcoah, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Shorting Obama

Independents are doing it - so can u!

written by Tcoah, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Obama must think we are really $R#%ing Dumb

as above

written by Tcoah, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Wanted: Speech writer for George W. Bush

Must be eloquent. Must not make Bush look bad. Must write suave and witty jokes. Must spell any word with more than three letters fo-net-ick-lee. Ability to absorb critic's abuse a plus.

written by Xinix Xaxx, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Clinton Threatens China's Energy Supply If They Don't Follow U.S. Orders

Orders to Put the Thump On Iran for Presumably Doing what Israel Already did With U.S. Assistance.

China quaking in their boots.

written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Buyer's Remorse

Most people who bought toy otas are now wishing they had bought real otas instead.

written by Adam Click, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Another Fist Fight On Floor

Japanese emperor threatens to sent entire parliament to fight in Afghanistan if they don't quit fighting fighting themselves.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Tax Czar Cheated

Obama's choice of new tax czar admits to cheating on his taxes. "See. He'll know all the dodges", says Prez.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

"Supplying The Army With The Tools Of The Trade"

Consumer spending up. Mostly the military. Drones flying off the shelf as soon as they are built.

written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Locals advised not to say "get the hell outta here, you damned yankee" until after maximizing tourists spending.

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

State wanted to bring in a Sea World: Little Rock, but plans were scrapped when Bass Pro Shops wanted to open a location next door.

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Sex education in junior high school will no longer include instruction on various positions or the Kama Sutra.

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Old tires and toilets will no longer be permitted in yards as planters.

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Old wire "Spools" will no longer be considered acceptable as lawn furniture.

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Atomic Energy Commission Designates Arkansas as New Toxic Waste Dump!

Said an AEC spokeman, "Hey, they already have Bill & Hillary..how much worse could it get!" According to a hand vote in senate taken by Joe Biden, 56 of the 57 states agreed with the assesment.

written by Morse, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Gay Marriage OK in Arkansas Renews Calls for New State Anthem!

Local AM stations have been overwhelmed with requests for "Dueling Banjos' to commemorate couples wedding night! Stars from 'Deliverance' say experience still too painful to talk about.

written by Morse, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Senator Confronts ACORN Worker Who Says "He Can't Tell Ass From Hole In Ground!

After studing the Obama Supporter, whose pants were down to his ankles, the Senator Drawled, "Well boy, at least I know enough to cover mine up! *

written by Morse, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Genealogy Czar Quits in Frustration!

After 22 years on job traces everyone back to just one tap root named Bubba!

written by Morse, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Department of Education Adopts Hillary's Children's Book for Sex Education!

The book, "The Pig in the Blanket and Me" is said to be on it's 4th printing.
NYT Says: "the prose is direct, to the point and has great instructural value. It's the Pictures that are disgusting!"

written by Morse, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Waitresses in fine dining establishements advised "always serve water and drinks in clean glasses. Clean contact lenses are good also."

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Pamphlet mailed to all residents advises: "If using flea and tick shampoo on the dog doesn't work, try using them on yourself (and washing your sheets)."

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Pamphlet mailed to all residents advises: "When spitting at the funeral home, make sure it's a spitoon and not someone's ashes."

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

New adult education course: Brooms, mops, and glass spray; why these can be used by more than the Janitor in the schools.

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Health classes in schools will now teach more than chigger removal and why not to eat from the dog's dish.

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Pamphlet mailed to all residents advises: "Don't wear black bras with white, lacey tops, even if you do hope to get lucky."

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

State Universities to add Chicken Plucking as a degree program to increase population with higher education.

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Socks with flip flops are now a fashion no-no.

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

State announces they'll match Washington's first time home buyer tax rebate for everyone purchasing a new double-wide.

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Newspapers announce that they'll hire reporters to cover the news so that the papers will have more than the comics and garage sale ads.

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Ronald McDonald Fired

Ronald McDonald was fired today from the McDonald's corporation after he publicly stated he is a vegan and meat is murder.

written by Xinix Xaxx, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Pamphlet mailed to all state residents announces: "If you want to masturbate to pictures in a porn magazine, buy it and take it out of the store first."

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Pamphlet mailed to all residents advises: "A stick of deodorant is not a lifetime supply."

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

By state law, peeing for distance contests are no longer allowed on freeway overpasses.

written by Jalapenoman, 30 January 2010
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