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Rating:

Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Pamphlet mailed to residents advises: "It is best to excuse yourself politely after belching, not say Good Lord, that shit was spicy!"

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Pamphlet mailed to all residents says: "Throwing rocks, eggs, and water balloons at fags outside gay bars will only be done after dark, so tourists don't recognize it's local folks."

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Pamplet mailed to all residents contains chapter titled: What A Sister Can Give Her Brother, Besides A Blow Job And The Clap.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Wal-Mart Stores expected to honor "no shirt, no shoes, no sevice rule".....and not count flip flops as proper footwear.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

New birth control advice for girls changed to "try saying no more than once, then kick him in the balls."

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

State Livestock Secretary announces plans to keep sheep safe in case Adam Lambert does concert tour.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Suggested new state motto: "Even we think Britney was a hick."

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Pamphlet sent to all residents advises: "Remember that underwear is clothing that you wear under your other clothing, not outside of or instead of."

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Pamphlet sent to all residents states: "When asked to put out flowers in the spring, this doesn't mean that you need to set them on fire first."

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Pamphlet mailed to all residents advises: "When you have house guests, don't tell them you can sleep on the couch if you don't mind the dogs. Put the dogs in your own room."

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

State worker's tool boxes should contain more than a hammer and a roll of duct tape.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Suggestion for new state motto: "Less Ticks and Leeches Than Mississippi"

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

The headlines on top of the 8th grade girls' yearbook pictures should not say "Next Year's New Mothers."

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Klan members should wash their sheets after each cross burning wearing to remove any smokey smell or ash residue.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Parents should purchase their children plastic jack-o-lanterns for Halloween instead of sending them out with old KFC buckets.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

"Roadkill Surprise" must list nutritional value in diners and cafe's.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Residents should plan on bathing before skinny dipping to keep lakes, rivers, and ponds clean and not hurt the wildlife.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Chelsea grasses up Wayne Rooney's wife!

Chelsea Clinton = A Colleen Snitch

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Chelsea Clinton digs her heels in?

Chelsea Clinton = Clench Toenails

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Chelsea charms TV dog Lassie

Chelsea Clinton = Enchants Collie

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Chelsea an unbendable libertine?

Chelsea Clinton = Non-elastic Lech

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Chelsea agrees to spirals?

Chelsea Clinton = Helical Consent

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Chelsea Clinton a spoilsport?

Chelsea Clinton = Cancels Hotline

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Michelle? It's all saintly rodents' fault!

Michelle Obama = Blame Halo Mice

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Michelle Mom's defamation deja-vu?

Michelle Obama = Mama Libel Echo

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Michelle a Soviet Muslim?

Michelle Obama = Be Halal Commie

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Michelle one cool snake-in-the-grass?

Michelle Obama = Hello Ice Mamba

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Future Farmers of America and 4-H clubs will be required to teach something other than raising sheep.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Michelle a sucker for FGM??

Michelle Obama = Labia Leech Mom

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Miss Piggy Still Most Popular Icon in Arkansas!

Life long residents still confidant she'll give up Secretary of State Position to take on Obama in 2012!

written by Morse, 29 January 2010
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Michelle Obama? Ewe been conned!

Michelle Obama = Baa! Commie Hell

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Pamphlet mailed to all residents says: "Remember that toilet paper is cheap and plentiful, don't try to recycle it."

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Michelle Obama name secrets revealed!

Michelle Obama = Claimable Home

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas's Only Licensed House of Prostitution Files Chapter 11!

New Owners say problem was old branding: 'Hog Heaven" just didn't seem to draw anyone but family. New sign says it all: "Piggly Wiggly". Reservations now required.

written by Morse, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Pamphlet mailed to all residents says: "When shaking a visitors hand, don't use the one you just picked your nose with or that has your spit cup."

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Pamphlet mailed to all residents says: When trying to pick up a visiting woman, don't say "I can bring my sister along and make it a threesome."

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Angelina a solitary ET dancer?

Angelina Jolie = Jig Alone Alien

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Thongs will no longer be sold in plus sizes to women wearing mini skirts.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Legislature Refuses to Pass Pit Bull Regulations!

Critics say bill fails to protect state's children forced to live outside in dog house while parents run puppy mill inside double wide. Lawmakers state: "Everyone is entitled to make a living!"

written by Morse, 29 January 2010
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Wanted Assistant Editor for The Spoof

Must be able to read fast and sort funny stories out from crap.

written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
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Angelina Jolie an iconic internet incarceration era?

Angelina Jolie = Online Jail Age

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Pamphets given to all state residents instruct men not to greet visiting women by asking "you put out?"

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Angelina Joile a crude Japanese bird?

Angelina Jolie = Ninja Eagle Oil

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Wanted: Computer Salesman

You know you need to know everything about computers, but the other biggie is the ability to make anything sound really technical and confusing to anyone who doesn't work here.

written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

New mothers to be taught before leaving hospital that baby wipes are gentler, more sanitary, and safer than a garden hose when changing diapers.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Angelina Jolie's bloodline stays out of the slammer

Angelina Joile = No Lineage Jail

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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'Razorback" Fan Arrested for Gross Sexual Misconduct at Home Coming Game!

Campus police found the athletic booster 'rooting around' in the panties of a cheerleader at half time under the stands. Claims he was only looking for 'Truffles' were discounted and he was booked.

written by Morse, 29 January 2010
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Secrets of the Angelina Jolie moniker revealed

Angelina Joile = Join Anal Liege

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Teenagers will be taught the proper and grammatically correct way to say "ya'll want some fries with that?"

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Kentucky Fried Chicken is no longer the official state bird.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Governor's mansion orders new set of fine china to replace Chinette and old Cool Whip bowls.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Wanted: Baseball Umpire

REquired...Sense of fair play, knowledge of the game of Baseball, Must be self assured. No applicant WITHOUT glasses at least two inches thick will be considered.

written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
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Still Embarrassed by Bill Clinton, Democratic Congress Passes Stimulus to Finally 'Killl Bill"

Obama promises to fund overhead hi speed rail and raised interstate highway so citizens can pass through state without having their wives and children molested.

written by Morse, 29 January 2010
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Wanted: Sidekick

Awesome Man seeks less interesting hero sidekick. Flashy costume good, weaker super powers than Awesome Man's important, ability to be captured and/or tortured by villains a must.

written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
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Wanted: Knife Salesman

Needed: Steady Hands, Winning Smile, Good People Skills, Very Thick Skin and Large Box of Band-Aids bandages

written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
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Hillary? She's a monster!

Hillary Clinton = Li'll' Tyrannic Ho

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Census Confirms no Recent Muslim Immigrants Live in Arkansas!

Governor credits state football team "The Razor Backs' for discouraging mass immigration of the hairy creatures.

written by Morse, 29 January 2010
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Hillary in purple prose mode

Hillary Clinton = Horny Lilac Lint

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

The major use of matches should be for cigarettes and stoves, not fart lighting.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Hillary's voice turns musical when sitting on manmade fiber stool

Hillary Clinton = Nylon Chair Lilt

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Governor says "even though your cat does it in the litter box, don't mean you should piss in them litter barrels on the side of the highway."

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

State motto to be changed from "Incest is Best" to the more politically correct "We Love Our Families"

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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O'Bomba Pleads for "Civility and Cooperation"

while GOP hires carpenters to build gallows.

written by Richard DagNabbit, 29 January 2010
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Hillary spamming for Dick Cheney spouse?

Hillary Clinton = Lin Chainy Troll

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Men requested not to ask out girls who still have cartoon characters on their underwear.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Hillary Clinton Hanging in Stimulus Package

Hillary Clinton = Lynch A Trillion

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

McDonald's is asked to start providing silverware with their food.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Monster problem

Count Dracula was told today by his dentist that his fangs are suffering from serious decay and will have to be removed. Drac is looking into dentures.

written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

"Pull my finger" is no longer the official state handshake.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

"Moonshiners" will now refer to themselves as "Rural Distilled Spirits Manufacturers and Deliverers."

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Even though it is polite, complimenting others on odor and loudness of farts will not be tolerated in public.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Plans #20

"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" Keep all family idiots in the attic or cellar. I don't want buck naked people running up & down the roads.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
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Pope Urges Crackdown on Annulments

But won't endorse Polygamy thus sending millions to Tiger Woods Floozy Appreciation School.

written by Richard DagNabbit, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Teen couples s walking with their hands in the back pockets of each other will be frowned on, even if they are brother and sister.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Plans #19

"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" If you must get drunk, have a designated wheelbarrower and stay to the older pathways.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Highway motels will no longer be able to rent "sheep by the night" as a service.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Plans #18

"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" No more than a dozen 'Martin Boxes', that is, bird houses in your front yard.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Plans #17

"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" Have all your Christmas decorations down by the Fourth Of July.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Plans #16

"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" If your house catches on fire, wait for the fire truck and don't try to meet it halfway.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Plans #15

"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" If someone strange see you picking up something dead on the road, pretend you're going to bury it.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Plans #14

"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" No deer hunting from your truck..and get those bushes off your truck.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Plans #13

"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" In a crowd of strangers, no matter how bad you itch, only scratch above your belt.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
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Strictly Come Dancing judges slam Osama's Latin American

Osama Bin Laden = Nailed On Samba

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Plans #9

"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" If your cow gets out and a tourist has to stop, remember it's a cow..now a 'Key Yowl!

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Plans #12

"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" Give everybody that passes you while walking on the road a friendly wave...with your HAND!

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
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Osama called his offspring after female genitalia

Osama Bin Laden = Named Son Labia

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Plans #11

"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" Watch your tater trap when you're talking to strangers at Wallie World and don't start bawlin' about your unfaithful freak of a husband.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
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Obama curses marine gastropod mollusks

Osama Bin Laden = I Damn Abalones

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Osama the transgressing marine nutter mollusk

Osama Bin Laden = Mad Abalone Sin

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Anorexic Osama quits eating

Osama Bin Laden = I Abandon Meals

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Osama admits he's been lousy to his Pa

Osama Bin Laden = I, A Damnable Son

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Osama questions Mandela's paternity

Osama Bin Laden = Am I A Bad Nelson?

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Osama the South African hero's son spotted in Scottish port

Osama Bin Laden = Is Oban Mandela

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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More fruity Osama stuff...

Osama Bin Laden = Lime Banana Sod

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Osama hiding in a fruitbasket?

Osama Bin Laden = Is Model Banana

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Showing someone the middle finger will no longer be "The State Bird."

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Osama's really a gay wandering female in disguise...

Osama Bin Laden = A Lesbian Nomad

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

While neatly trimmed mustaches will be allowed on food service workers, beards must be removed (men also).

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Women in tank tops, halter tops, or tube tops will be required to shave their armpits and visible chest hair.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Public outhouses must now be equipped with that little green urinal cake and a clipboard showing the required cleaning schedule.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Osama compared to wayward pet's hooter?

Osama Bin Laden = Bad Animal Nose

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Outhouses must now come with toilet seats and paper, not just holes in boards and old TV Guides.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Osama forgets which peroxide bimbo he shagged last night?

Osama Bin Laden = A Blond Amnesia

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Asking tourist on riverboats or rafting trips if they want to "squeal like a pig" is now outlawed.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

State to sponsor opening of first restaurant where food is not served in a bag and drinks don't come with a lid and a straw.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Osama still blogging?

No, Osama Bin Laden = Abandons email...

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Osama Bin Laden's butt bonkers?

No! Osama Bin Laden = Sane Abdominal

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Plans #10

"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" All feuding must be carried on back in the hills. Tell anyone stopping for directions that the kids are firing firecrackers.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Beauty and Barber shops are to remove "bowl cuts" from their lists of services.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Schools will begin immediate classes to train people how to tie their shoelaces.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Osama Bin Laden cryptic secrets revealed!

Osama Bin Laden = Mad On A Lesbian

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Bondo and Rustoleum are no longer approved car colors

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Plans #8

"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" Remove all old tires from your trailer roof and put up fresh new hay bails.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Residents are now required to refer to Hot Springs by it's name, and not as the place where "that there water's gonna burn yer balls off."

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Plans #7

"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" No more running entire family through car wash naked until end of tourist season. Use your horse trough at home.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Employees of state tourist facilities will undergo training in brushing, flossing, and using mouthwash for their remaining tooth.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Employees of tourist attractions will be required to hem their pants, and not just "walk off" the extra length.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Plans #6

"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" Wear your best when going out to fancy fast food restaurants and WalMart.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Towns of "Toad Suck" and "Flea and Tick Holler" will be required to change their names on Freeway exit signs.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Misspelling a girl's name when spray painting it on a water tower or historic landmark will now bring a $50 fine.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Plans #5

"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" All "Wide Load" signs must be removed from trailer and back of wife's tee shirt.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Plans #4

"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" No hitting on family members in front of strangers.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Residents learn for first time that a Hefty Bag is supposed to be used for trash and is not a fat woman.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Plans #3

"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism!" All men must piss with their backs to the road, even if off their own porch.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Parents are encouraged to tell teenaged boys "get off your sister and pick up a broom."

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Legislature got the idea when planes landing in Little Rock thought they'd arrived in Haiti.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Plans #2

"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" All children 6 and over must at least wear their bottoms.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

State insists that each county hire at least one dentist for every 10,000 people.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Has Plans

"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" All Hog lots must be at least five feet from the highway.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

New Motto? Arkansas: Home of clean water, green mountains, and inbred hillbillies.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Calling Cornish " Inbred " Is Okay!

The human rights commission has ruled that calling Cornish people "inbred" is okay. However a Green Army spokesman, Captain Jethro Trevithick said that the Cornish are better "in pasties".

written by IN SEINE, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Employees in fast food restaurants will not be allowed to pick their teeth with the pin on the back of their nametag when taking customer's orders.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Brassieres will be required undergarments for everyone with c-cup breasts or larger (women also).

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans to Clean Up State For Tourism

"I'm With Stupid" will no longer be the official state t-shirt motto.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Off On The Wrong Foot

Doctors Amputate Wrong Foot of Peruvian Man. "Talk about getting off to a bad start for the day", say surgeon.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Lycra and Spandex to be outlawed for everyone over 18 years old and 150 pounds

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

Free government purchased belts will be provided to everyone not wearing overalls

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism

From now on, only three junked cars will be allowed on the lawn of a single wide.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Budweiser Announces That This Year's Super Bowl May Not Feature A Clydesdale Commercial

But the horses are better looking than some of the women they pick to sing the national anthem!

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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American Soldier Arrested Crossing Mexican Border with 200 Pounds of Marijuana

Uses excuse "we were having a Vietnam Memorial."

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Obama Chastises Republicans Who Oppose Him

Hasn't he heard of a two party system?

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Food and Drug Administration Makes Recommendation

Virgin girls in Hershey's edible undies can now be called chocolate covereed cherries.

written by Jalapenoman, 29 January 2010
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Hillary In France

French honor Sec. of State Clinton as she's invited to break champaign bottle to do a launch. "I hope that this is the beginning of a beautiful French ship."

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
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Blair said he would do it again, Cherie said, "no you wont!"

Tony Blair has confirmed he is a MORON and said he would attack Iraq again, his missus said "no you wont" so Tony shut up!

written by Jaggedone, 29 January 2010
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Oscar Performance

Rumor: White House gate crashers may get a special Oscar in 2010 for performance at the snobbish affair.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
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Wanted : Delievery Boy

Must be reliable. Must be able to swallow small balloons. Must not ask questions.

written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
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Electrolux Vacuum Cleaners Change Motto

Electrolux vacuum cleaners will no longer be "The ones that REALLY REALLY SUCK!!!"

written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
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Wanted: Cab driver

Knowledge of the city necessary. Ability to speak English not.

written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
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Press Release from Sharpie

Sharpie markers say "Not for Letter Writing" on them. A spokesman from the company stated today "They're just for writing NUMBERS!!"

written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
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New Warning Label 2

A label on a window purchased at the hardware store said "For indoor or outdoor use."

written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
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Greed for the ages

Donald Trump tried today to copyright the phrase "Yeah, but" and demand payment of $0.25 every time anyone said it.

written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
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Marital Problem

A Boston man called emergency services today to ask what to do when his wife actually did not have a headache and wanted to have sex with him.

written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
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New Warning Label

All bananas now must come with a Federal Government's Warning..."Caution!! Peel May Be Slippery!!"

written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
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Win at scrabble

Scrabble players If you have a Q and a U, try to use the Q for words like 'Qi' or 'Qat'. This will free up the U for words like 'Bum', 'Mum' etc.

written by Mary Hinge, 29 January 2010
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Floods Hit NKorea

North Korea's latest missile firing missing ocean, but disappears into clouds and exploded. It's been raining for five days now.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
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Tic For Tac

Al Qaida say they will send in 10,000 suicide bombers to counter US building 10,000 new drones.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Students Have Tough Choice

Raise in University fees causing many students to have to choose between staying an extra year or giving up alcohol.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Wanted: Political radio talk show host

Ability to speak clearly a must. No strong regional accents, please. Belief that one political party are gods and the other is demonic required.

written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
Rating:

New Kid Can't Spell

Local grocery takes down "Orgasmic Cucumbers sold here" and change it to "Organic".

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Thieves Own Up

Car thieves admit that General Motors hired them to steal Cadillac Cascades to make them America's most stolen car in 2007.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

No Wonder Thief Seemed In A Hurry

Toyota's Camry goes from being the most stolen to best run away, stuck gas pedal, car in the world.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Caspar the Friendly Ghost Arrested

Caspar the Friendly ghost was arrested in downtown L.A. earlier today and charged with assault. Following Gary Coleman's fall from grace is this another former cute star gone bad?

written by Earl Grey, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Iraq In Seventh Year

Iraq War "Cakewalk" enters it's seventh year. Still no WMD's, cake.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Andy Murray orders bagpipes and drums to upset the Swiss precision machine!

Andy Murray will stop at nothing to beat Federer on Sunday, 50 Black Watch Pipers wil be there and his mum has promised a rendition of Scotland The Brave, that's even worse than Serena grunting!

written by Jaggedone, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Richard Branson Aims to Launch Underwater Plane

Tycoon, Richard Branson, is hoping to launch an underwater plane. His obvious choice of pilot would be Chesley B. "Sully" Sullenberger III, who would be brought out of retirement.

written by IN SEINE, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Michelle Explains Why Everyone Wore Purple at State of the Union!

"Barry just loves looking at his dick in the mirror when he's practicing his speeches, he just neededed a little bit of stimulation to stay hard when talking to his fans..it's the least we could do!"

written by Morse, 29 January 2010
Rating:

White House Pledges to Reduce Government Emmissions 28% by 2010!

Tea Baggers said they will beat Obama pledge by 9 years claiming they will clear 100% of government gas by this November.

written by Morse, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Angry Crowd Awaits

Angry crowd, just looking for a victim to chase with torches, waiting outside gate for Monster Truck Rally.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

New Term: "Pairage"

Gay couples not allowed to marry create new coupling called "Pairage". "There will be a pairage ceremony tomorrow at the Pansy residence and the happy couple will honeymoon on Mount Vernon."

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Read It, George!

Barack Obama tells VP Joe Biden about the rabbits again, calling him Lenny.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Obama Addresse Grandmothers

President Obama urges black grandmothers to try to keep grandkids in school longer.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

A Penny Saved

Banks must be in pretty bad shape as kid's lollipops at drive in windows now have cost added to monthly billings.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

March Planned For March

000,02 Dyslexics announce that they will march backwards this Spring. President addresses leaders. Asks for clam.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Andy Murray to enter Worlds biggest Mouth competition.

After a photograph appeared in many newspapers throughout the world showing Andy Murray with his mouth wide open Murray has now been invited to The Worlds Biggest Mouth Competition

written by SPECTRUM, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Y does Obama want to weaken the US and its allies?

Russia just test-flighted its new fifth generation stealthy fighter - Obama knew Russia was working on the equivalent to the F22, his response: shut down F22 production.

written by Tcoah, 29 January 2010
Rating:

"Biggest Nut On Tree!"

Police use net, tranquilizer to bring down tree sitter in Oregon. Breaks seven limbs.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

What looks like another Obama curved goof-ball

The stealthy Sukhoi's T-50 fifth generation fighter - looks like the F22-Raptor and apparently will quack like the F22-Raptor.

written by Tcoah, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Do It Yourself

Grandmother disgusted at filthy hospital nursed and bathed other patients on her ward, especially men.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

How Mant To Screw In Lightbulb?

It's OK to insult the Cornish because they don't exist, rules watchhen.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Water Vapor The Answer

Water vapour a 'major cause of global warming and cooling'. Issue important statement: 'It's not the heat, it's the humidity!"

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Another Bin Laden Video

Now Osama bin Laden gets worried about global warming (and offers his own solution). Picks Colts by a touchdown!


written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Tory MP's Race Row

Tory MP sparks race row after accusing immigrants of 'importing medieval views' about women. "We had them in the stone age before those people came."


written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Is PC Overdoing It?

Driver fined for blowing his nose... by same PC who ticketed man for dropping a hint.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Morning After, Then 5 Days

Morning-after pill that works five days later. But 2, 3 or 4 days later could leave you knocked up!

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

The Femme Fatale

The femme fatale, two Tory lovers and claims of a violent bust-up, titty twister at her home.


written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

What Was THAT, Martha?

Ashley Cole banned from driving for doing more than 100mph in a 10 MPH nursing home zone.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Rental Companies Pull Toyotas.

Two car rental companies pull Toyotas from fleets. Hurts still has them.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Funniest Show On TV This Year

About 48 million watch Obama's State of the Union, led by FOX who used joke comments, a laugh track.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

US Running Out Of Awards

Music world celebrates its big event of the year, the Grammys. 2010 averaging one award show per week, may form new "Awards Network".

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Knew It Was Coming

Women are sending their husbands to the Apple store to buy iPads?"

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

We're Raising Some Too

NASA to get more money, but must scratch moon plan. Hope to sell enough copies of 'floating sex video' to pay for that.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

"It's The Money, Stupid!"

Calderon: Global climate deal hinges on money, of all things!

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Just Too Busy

Clinton in Paris for European security speech somehow forgot all about Obama's Speech To The Nation.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

China-Tibet Talks

New China-Tibet talks prompt speculation on shift as the Chinese leaders speak to those higher up.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

The Secret's Out

Pork better for sex than Viagra? Rednecks in Louisiana agree with Argentine president.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Bin Laden Blames US

Bin Laden blasts US for climate change. "If they hadn't made me so mad, I'd have left it alone."

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Vanessa Hudgens name secrets revealed!

Vanessa Hudgens = Shunned Savages

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Rating:

NYC Not Good Place For Trial

Administration urged to change terror trial site in NYC to Baghdad. "They know how to carry out swift justice there."

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Susan Boyle a hygiene slut?

Susan Boyle = Ye Anus Slob

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Rating:

GOP To Obama: Listen Well!

GOP leadership figure exhorts Obama to listen well. "You have the ears for it!"

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Disputed Painting Sild

Disputed Da Vinci portrait sells for $1.5 million, after Larry King says he remember Da Vinci working on it.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

We're Under Attack

Power plants, oil refineries, porn sites, TheSpoof site and water supplies increasingly dependent on the Internet are under relentless attack by cyber spies and thugs, according to a McAfee report.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

More Toyota Recalls

Congress probes Toyota recalls as impact, impacts from stuck gas pedals, spreads.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Further Sussan Boyle name twists

Susan Boyle = No Sly Abuse

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Best Way To Go!

Pilot considered the only ace Tuskegee Airman dies after being hit by falling toilet ice from plane.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Counterfeit Car

Georgia man buys car, finds $200K in counterfeit cash. Wants his money back. "Don't want to be mistaken by counterfeiting ring."

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

More Susan Boyle name secrets

Susan Boyle = Boyless Anus

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Argentina President, Husband Porking!

Argentina's president recommended pork as an alternative to Viagra Wednesday, saying she spent a satisfying weekend with her husband after eating barbecued pork. "Why do we call it "porking?"

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

What's In Salinger's Safe?

Was the author of "The Catcher in the Rye" keeping finished, unpublished manuscripts in a safe in Cornish, N.H? Are they masterpieces, curiosities or random scribbles? Geraldo Rivera to reveal all!

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Matthew's Remarks

Matthews' remark, 'I forgot Obama was black' exposes complexity of 'transcending race'. "You mean we have a black president?"

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

US Navy to name new destroyer after Susan Boyle anagram

Susan Boyle = USS Baloney

written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Can't Drive Own Cars?

Honda recalls 646,000 Jazz/Fit, City cars globally as buyers throw a fit about all that jazz.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

More Needed?

Bill Gates makes $10 billion vaccines pledge. Should cut social diseases by 5%.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

There Were Nucklar Weapons: Bare Fisted Fighting

Blair offers justification for Iraq war: Bush told me to help them out and that there could be nucklar weapons there.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Schwarzenegger Returns to Film

Sources say Arnold Schwarzenegger will take a leave of absence as governor of California to star in the new movie,"Toyota Recall".

written by Adam Click, 29 January 2010
Rating:

US Military Rushes to Approve Gays in Military After Obama Mandate!

Those volunteers coming out of the closet and willing to join will have their own dress uniforms: Fetching Kilts, knee socks and Matching Bubuskas. Motto of the Brigades will be "Killing You Softly."

written by Morse, 29 January 2010
Rating:

NY Governor David Paterson & PM Gordon Brown Praised for their Vision!

Paterson for pushing for a soda tax & Brown for agreeing to a $500m Payoff for "moderate Talibans"....just another oxymoron...or plain stupid?

written by Morse, 29 January 2010
Rating:

UK Agrees to Go Along with $500 Taliban Extortion Pay Off!

Commenting, PM Gordon Brown was quoted as saying, "...gee, they don't look Italian!"

written by Morse, 29 January 2010
Rating:

He's A Really Lousy Driver

Leading Japanese automaker gives CEO the finger of blame as new recall involving brake systems slows stock growth, gearshift-related recall puts company in reverse.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Spellcheck Programs Go Nuts

iFever in writing is spreading over the globe.

written by Gail Farrelly, 29 January 2010
Rating:

48 Million Americans Tuned in to Watch Obama's Speech on Wednesday

Within five minutes, 47.9 million had tuned out, giving their attention instead to texting or playing video games.

written by Gail Farrelly, 29 January 2010
Rating:

U. S. Senate Lets Federal Reserve Chairman Bernanke Keep His Job

One Senator shrugged and said, "We had no choice. With the unemployment rate so high, how could we add one more person to the ranks of the jobless?"

written by Gail Farrelly, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Wanted: Lion Tamer

Must not be afraid of cats. Must be good with people. Ability to re-grow limbs gnawed off a plus.

written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Wanted: Political Scapegoat

Job requires ability to talk for a long time without saying anything. Ability to dress nicely required. Stammering a good trait. No backbone or sense of honesty required.

written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Wanted: Dental assistant

Must have Masters degree. Experience in the field a must. Sadism a plus.

written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Wanted: Cartoonist

New live broadcast cartoon seeks cartoon artist. Must be able to draw very quickly.

written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Wanted: Computer programer

Must be able to use HTML, BASIC. Must be able to use windows, sliding glass doors and operate Microsoft Windows.

written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
Rating:

What Bernanke Should Do Now

Quit.

written by Richard DagNabbit, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Wanted: K-Mart Pharmacist

Must have good people skills. Must be able to read Latin. Ability to count over ten a plus.

written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Bad Guy Gets New Henchman

Batman's longtime enemy, the Penguin, has branched out in his efforts to defeat Batman. The Penguin is now hiring puffins as well.

written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Blind Panic

Al Qaida #211 killed by running into a rock wall and breaking his neck after fleeing drone aimed at #21.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

It All Adds Up

Latest rise in global warming blamed on President Obama's health care bill meltdown.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

C-Span Viewers

Thousands of people watch C-Span for hours a day, one speaker after another putting fellow congressmen asleep with speeches. If you're one of these people, please get help before you kill somebody.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Probably Right

Baseball experts say they believe smaller balls the reason there are so many home runs every year.

written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Obama Dazed and Confused after Speech: Caught on Live Mike!

" Who writes this shit" he said , " we need him on the Team. He's so good I'm beginning to believe it myself!" Investigations are underway to uncover the real identity of Spoof Writer Chamone.

written by Morse, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Driver Upset for being arrested for blowing his nose in UK!

"All I did was pick out a booger...where were the coppers when I farted and blacked out for a second. Pricks!"

written by Morse, 29 January 2010
Rating:

In Desperation for Readership, Spoofers Hack into CNBC Website: Rating Soar!

Tired of waiting for Goggle to get off the pot, Spoof Hackers penetrated CNBC News pre empting Matthews & Oberman. Fresh content spurs spike in viewers.
All but Matwill granted long term contracts.

written by Morse, 29 January 2010
Rating:

Mrs. Robinson Finally Released from Sex Rehab Center!

"Anybody know where I can get a tenderized pork roll for supper tonight,?' she allegedly asked gobsmacked reporters. Most thought she had sworn off butcher boys and moved onto fishmongers..WRONG!

written by Morse, 29 January 2010
Rating:

UK Announces New Incentive to Never Work Again!

Govt. Mandates taking kids of parents on the dole to theme parks and zoos, while mates who have productive parents are excluded. "How else are they going to learn to be Politically Correct?" said PM.

written by Morse, 29 January 2010
Rating:

After Snippet Blitzkrieg Exhasusted Spoofers Ask: What's Up for Friday?

According to an internal memo, Spoof Editor Mark Lowton informed dedicated writers to 'relax, have a beer & a pickled egg, and 'blow off steam'.

written by Morse, 29 January 2010
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