Spoof news snippets from Thursday 28 January 2010
Dairy Workers to Get Bonus for Working in the Snow!
Workers at a Scottish dairy are to receive a £100 bonus for collecting and delivering milk in snowbound Scotland. The cows get nothing! "They are udderly disgusted," said spokesman, Aberdeen Angus.
Life (and death) can be cruel!
A dyslexic Muslim suicide bomber blew himself up today in Helmand Province, Afghanistan, eager to collect his 27 virgins.
Pete Doherty in the news again!
Babyshambles front man Pete Doherty was in prison (again) today but it is looking forward to his next release!
Just one more Sarah Palin anag.
Sarah Palin = Ah Iran Slap
Even more Palin word-twist misery...
Sarah Palin = PS Anal Hair
And another Palin twist...
Sarah Palin = Anal Parish
More Palin wordgame misery...
Sarah Palin = Las Piranha
Sarah Palin anagram reveals secret of her soul
Sarah Palin = Sharia Plan!
David Cameron is British?
Pull the otherone; he's born in Haiti just like Cousin Barack!
Pat Robertson, age 79, still claims to be able to leg press 2000 lbs. Nobody seems to believe him.
is building a low Earth orbital platform that exploits miniature UAV like technology - I kid u not.
Hillary Clinton's new haircut?
Kinda Miss Piggy meets Animal in the tumble drier.
Susan Boyle viral?
She's more an overblown microbe than the H1N1 bug.
O'Bomba's Downsized Ambitions
Michelle On Barack
Michelle Obama says her husband gets very upset when he doesn't get his way. May have crossed over to the Dark Side.
Cheryl Cole intelligent?
She makes Princess Diana's hamster-keeping diploma look like Einstein's Theorem.
Kate Moss alluring?
Seen cuter looking comatose stick insects in the invertebrates house at London Zoo...
Angelina Jolie beautiful??
Seen better things floating belly up in the Potomac...
Woody Harrison/ Michael Jackson
Woody Harrelson says he may change his name to Michael Jackson. "I kinda like it. I think I'll smoke on it for awhile."
SC Cuts State's Education Budget in Half!
With only 48% graduation rate from state's high schools, board of education eliminates K1-K8 for 52% of School Age Kids..."Why didn't I think of that," says Obama! Money goes for casino development.
Obama Says 'green jobs' Answer for 15% Unemployment in South Carolina!
Upon hearing the news, more illegal aliens flocked in to the state and picked all the tomatoes before they were ripe. Says Obama, "Hey, fried green tomatoes ain't all that bad!"
Bathroom's Outside, Senator
Senator Larry Craig goes to Haiti. Told to pick up bricks. "I thought it said, "Pick up dicks!"
One Brick Shy....
Senator John Edwards goes to Haiti. Told to pick up bricks. "I thought it said, 'Pick up chicks!"
Bureau Takes 5 for Tea....Overhauled by Snippet Co-op!
A cabal of 123 Spoof Writers, creating Snippets non stop for Snippet Thursday, announced they have finally Surpassed The King of Snippets...by One! "Fucking guy is lazy - you snooze you lose!" Said one.
Obama Vows to 'get people moving again!"
The President has instructed Attorney General Eric Holder to strike down all states' ban on Hitch Hiking. "It's worth the risk,' he said, 'better a few carjackings than these people congregating!"
Obama Vows High Speed Train Project Will Stimulate Economy!
France, Germany and Japan agree, as all the rolling stock, technology, expertise, patents, and qualified workers will be coming from their countries. Al Gore is a major investor in the no bid scheme.
US At War With Poland!
New US diplomat to Poland mad at Republicans after one of them hire a guy who speaks Klingon to teach the diplomat Klingon as the Polish language before his assignment.
Channel Tunnel to be Closed & Converted to Council Housing!
PM Brown made the announcement as UK gets closer to admitting Turkey into the EU. "There's no fooking place left, really, " said the optically challenged Labour Leader, "and we need to control 'em!"
Another Party Crasher
White House guard gets his jaws slapped by Michelle Obama's mother after stopping her as party crasher during meeting of leading Dems.
Chinese Takes Dogs & Cats off Menu!
Authorities say they will replace the country favourites with MONK fish, a tasty morsel found in Tibetan lakes and streams which are considered pests and a threat to government order.
"RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!"
Environmentalists say they are tired of boring Al Gore doing warnings for global warming. Plan to hire "Bobcat" Goldthwait to do TV commercials.
Spoof Readership So Low, Writers Check in for Rehab!
48 writers and their fans have checked into The Moorview Institute for R&R suffering from Spoof Withdrawal. "At least we can sit around and laugh at ourselves, no sense crying over toasted cheese."
Divorce A Good Thing?
Leading psychiatrist says that it's a good thing the nuclear family has fallen apart with divorces and remarriages. "Some were ready to blow any moment."
Editor Mark Lowton said "it's Lights Out for The Spoof!"
He'll be pulling maintainace on the site this week while contributors hold their breath. Last week Mark fixed things and readership dropped off 33%.
One writer lost 15 lbs. living off just Snippets.
The New "Napoleon"
Man who says he is a clone of himself claims he got rid of all evidence of the original man by burning him up because he was dangerous and might burn people up.
UK Postal Worker Fired for Licking Stamp of Quadriplegic Veteran!
Authorities said the 25 year mail carrier would be charged with theft of government services, disregard of current political correctness directives, and for providing aid to 'an enemy combantant.'
Pee Wee Herman a eunuch after guard at theater thinks he's got a gun in his hand.
He's A Goner
New ocean species discovered that feeds on shit. Rush Limbaugh missing from his seaside home in Florida leaving only the a copy of two books he wrote and towel on the sand.
Cheryl Blair Remodels her Walk In Closet to Celebrate Tony's Interrogation on Iraq!
Former PM's wife said she was making a few improvements to one of their homes prior to sale in case she and Tony 'were suddenly forced to move, and leave the country we love...maybe Poland will do!"
Nancy Pelosi Endorses EverReady Batteries in Super Bowl Ad!
Madame Speaker signed on for the endorsement after only having to change the batteries in her dildo once during the State of the Union. "That Bunny had me hoppin", she told Joe Biden privately.
Obama Acknowledges Success of Ford Motor Company!
Announces cancellation of all government contracts with Ford, and negotiates new contract for government vehicles with Stryker Motors through Al Gore.
"Success is not an Option" sez Prez in Speech.
Obama Takes Page from UK to Put More Unreliable People to Work in 2010!
"I have directed that no longer can blood sucking employers discriminate against 'unreliable workers' .If a small business can't find enough 'unreliables' we'll lease them some from Government Posts."
Obama Consults Dictionary, Corrects Himself...Again!
"Let's be perfectly clear as we find a new way forward...they're not lies...they're simply prevarications..."
Lou "I Sure Done Went And Stepped In It" Dobbs
Lou Dobbs, who is fast becoming the most forgotten man in America, was seen walking around his neighborhood in boxer shorts and mumbling to himself, "Okay, okay, they can all stay por favor."
Is It Shirley Palin or Sarah Temple?
Sarah Palin says if one more person says her new curly locks hairdo looks silly, she is going back to Alaska and staying there forever...Oh that is too easy - Snowflake your hairdo looks silly.
The Nancy Grace - Madonna Feud Gets Closure?
Nancy Grace remarked that Madonna has just become a boring, bitter, old has-been bitch. Madonna replied that it takes one to know one. Great. Case closed. Next.
"Sir, Could You Speak Up A Smidgen?"
The featured speaker at The Delaware Home For The Deaf complained to the head organizer after his speech, that he kinda has the feeling that his speech may have fallen on deaf ears.
The Memorable John "The Comb Over King" McCain
Senator John McCain was asked how his memory is. The Arizona senator replied, "My memory is just as good as it never was."
Is That The Artist Formerly Known As Flavor Flav?
Rapper Flavor Flav stated that in the interest of health and nutrition he will now be known as Diet Flavor Flav.
Ah Ms. (Joan) Rivers You Have To Quit Mumbling and Speak Up
Joan Rivers has had so many tummy tucks, that all of the fat is now starting to back up into her throat.
Mel Gibson Math - $1 Billion Divided By 2, and Then $½ Billion Divided By 2 (Again!)
Mel Gibson says that his brand new baby girl has his girlfriend's looks. (And her daddy's money!)
Mel, Mel, Mel, are you really that stupid dude? Sheeeesh!
That's Wynonna Judd - With Double N's, Double D's, and Double Chins
Ashley Judd commented she is extremely concerned about her sister Wynonna's tremendous weight gain. She noted that Wy has become just like Kirstie Alley, except that she's pretty and she can sing.
The Non-Academy Award Nominated Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton has been signed to star in The Elizabeth Hasselbeck Story. Hilton remarked that it is going to be hard practicing to talk without really making one damn bit of sense. Hmmm.
The Lying Dick Cheney Has Left The Building
The reason that no one has heard from Dick Cheney in over two weeks is because he promised his grandmother that if he can't talk without lying, then he just won't talk.
Is That Susan Boyle with a yle?
Susan Boyle's manager suggested that perhaps she should change her last name to one that is not as harsh sounding. After going through dozens of names, the two agreed on the name Susan Wart.
Hey, Didn't That Bro Used To Be Kanye West?
Kanye West wants Taylor Swift to apologize to him for causing his career to disappear like the sucker was never even here.
The Bitchy Singer Still Known As Madonna
Madonna is getting rather bitchy in her old age. Her personal manager has suggested that she go in for a personality transplant.
Where In The World Is Little Donnie (Rumsfeld?)
Former George W. Bush crony Donald Rumsfeld has stated that contrary to popular belief, he has not entered into the 'Witness Protection Program.'
Tesco's bans people in pyjamas, Burkas and naked are OK!
Tesco has banned barefoot pyjama wearing slobs from their supermarkets, wearing Burkas and going naked is OK as long as you have your slippers on!
War Mongers Weakest Link
In a Weakest link special for War Mongers including Tony Blair,Jack Straw and Gordon Brown, Brown was voted off as the weakest link as he always forgot to bank. Seems he is no good with banks.
Andy Murray is even beginning to annoy scots
Andy Murray is even beginning to annoy Scots as his mouth is becoming bigger than the Clyde tunnel. Some would even prefer to watch re-runs of Sally Gunnell!
Rookie Off To A Bad Start
New guy hired in Florida asked to milk one of the snakes comes back and says he was bit. On the way to hospital, he mumbles that he couldn't even find it's tits.
After 50 Years, Nothing
Scientists mark 50 years of trying to contact intelligence, finally give up on Washington, DC and begin looking into outer space.
What Do We Trade For It?
Most people in the southern US say they would like to support the environment by purchasing 'Fair Trade' coffee they have heard about but they can never find any at the county fairs.
Researchers discover that birds can dance to today's music, especially chickens. "If you put some laxatives in their feed, they'll soon begin doing the 'funky chicken'."
World leaders want the Taliban to receive wages for their services!
Non-corrupt president Karzai has told world leaders, pay the Taliban for their services. World leaders think its a grand idea and promptly paid them their monthly salary, tax free!
Fan Hits The Shit
A football supporter threw a bottle at footballer Craig Bellamy. Police said it was the first time that a fan had hit the shit.
Maddona To Adopt Portsmouth FC
Madonna is to adopt Portsmouth FC following fears that little Pompey has no chance of survival in her natural environment.
Underwear bomber finally admits to his brand of choice
He prefers Fruit of the Boom.
Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders Held Up By TSA Agents While Boarding Flight
Each girl got personally checked to make sure her panties were not a bomb.
Obama Not Happy With 10% Jobless Rate
"I thought that I would have destroyed 20% of the companies in this country by now."
Will Tiger Woods Return for the British Open?
Only if he can keep his pants closed.
NBA Center Apologizes For Nude Photos of Genitals on Internet
"I'm sorry that not everyone is happy looking at pictures of my dick. I guess you Lesbians don't know a good thing when you see it."
Obama vows to fight the jobless rate in State of the Union Address
Beer summitts with all of the currently unemployed should take up all of his time for the next 214 years.
Obama says that he's not a lame duck in State of the Union Address
"There's nothing wrong with my legs, It's just my jokes that are lame."
Obama vows "I don't quit" in State of the Union Address
"I've still got three more years to screw up this country."
Social scientists say that taking pictures of genitals with camera phones is latest craze
"It is the modern day equivalant of xeroxing your butt.
Archaeologists answer musical question that is over 3000 years old
"Whe believe that it was Solomon that who wrote the book of love in Song of Solomon.
Typo sends new medical equipment to Senior Citizen's Center
Beriatric surgery is now geriatric surgery!
Taylor Swift Upset Her Topless Pictures Were Removed From Internet
"I guess that they administrators thought they were kiddie porn picks of an eleven year old girl."
Obama Administration Upset At FoxNews (again)
White House says that they shouldn't have added laugh track to State of the Union Address.
Simon Cowell Wants No More Gay Contestants On American Idol After Adam Lambert Fiasco
"We've now got Ellen Degeneres and Ryan Seacrest, isn't that enough?"
Adam Lambert to Record Old Partridge Family Song
Lyrics, however, will be changed to "I Think I Love Me."
"Everybody's Talking At Me"
Las Vegas has announced that it's first male prostitute there is Joe Buck!
Doing Hard Time
Consumer group warns against taking a double dose of Viagra, Cialis or Levitra: "You overdo it and you're in for some hard times", states pharmacist.
Let's Do Another Take!
Wardrobe mishap during commercial leads Burger King to accidentally show off his Whopper!
Don't Worry, Be Happy
Stressed team of surgeons told: "Don't worry, do it tomorrow. There'll be less of them."
Great Grandma's Dead!
Family's anger after hospital wrongly tells them great-grandmother had died. "Interrupted our supper. The old bag died ten years ago", says still-grieving great-grandson.
Several Models Brought In
Small Arkansas police force artist sends officers on chase for a stick man who held up a bank in Maggity.
Dinosauer A Redhead
Oh no, it's Ginger-saurus! For first time scientists uncover colour of dinosaur and it was ... a red-head! Most expected a blond.
Three men dodge death after their helicopter crash lands on the edge of a canyon ridge, two miles from a one two foot drop! That should be, "two feet from a one mile drop!"
Hadn't Seen Any In Six Hours
Office workers in downtown Buffalo, New York, go running to the windows to see it snow.
Blowing Nose While Driving
Driver facing criminal trial after he was caught blowing his nose while behind the wheel, stops to wipe his ass during testimony.
Speech Not Bad
We deserve these setbacks: Apologetic Obama tells America he's listening, but vows he won't quit in first State of the Union address. 13 standing ovations, 4 "You Lie!" and one thrown shoe.
Mother Rebukes Grandfather
Local grandfather purchases grandson solid Platinum baseball bat. "He's spoiling that kid", reports mother.
'Climategate' scandal scientists broke the law by hiding data from global warming sceptics. Alaska now "up to our ass" in polar bears.
Tesco Dress Codes
Cover up! No shopping in PJs or barefoot, Tesco tells shoppers as it becomes first supermarket to unveil a dress code. "No shoes, no socks, no shirt, no service. Thongs are fine"
NKoreans Stirring Up Trouble
Errant North Korean rocket finally misses same spot in ocean and zooms over Japan hitting Godzilla in the ass.
Added Too Many Zeros Again
Blunders that meant £1m was paid in benefits to just TEN people, who have not been seen since.
Cost-Sharing Hurts Elderly
Increased patient cost-sharing may hurt elderly. "Just another way Obama trying to kill us off", says pensioner.
India Into Space Flights
India plans first manned space flight in 2016. Will have 75 aboard including those hanging onto the outside.
Toyota's Gas Pedal Sticks
Toyota extends recall to Europe amid US problems with stuck gas pedals, as Toyota autos circle city roundabouts at top speed until they turn to butter.
High Court Snubs Obama
Biden defends Obama's criticism of high court: "Not been right since marijuana legalized."
Sweat Lofge Not Cause Of Death
Owners say AZ sweat lodge not to blame for deaths. Blame curse of Navajo medicine man.
Allies Mulling Exit Plans
International allies mull exit from Afghanistan. France could pull out cooks in six months, Italy the same with 13 barbers.
Or, Possibly, The Shark
White House to dole out $8 billion in rail grants as economy once again jumps the tracks.
Obama Quotes Agnew
Obama bucks up Democrats on health care. Uses old Spiral Agnew term, "Nervous Nellies".
Ford Sales Up Also
Ford earns $2.7 billion last year. That's Francis Ford Coppola. Auto company did pretty fair, also.
Dogs Of War
Dogs of war' saving lives in Afghanistan. Cats say dogs and humans both nuts.
Traffic To Move Slower, Cheaper
Toyota recalls additional 1.09M vehicles in US. Will furnish segways until cars are fixed.
Evolution At Work
Running Shoes Changed How Humans Run! Modern cases of hemorrhoids from sitting change the way humans walk!
New Wind Record
231-mph NH wind gust is no longer world's fastest as 265MPH fart by Arnold Schwarzenegger blows people sitting behind lectern through wall & into street.
Teacher Gets New Apple
Apple introduces new $499 iPad tablet computer. Students in one Ohio class of 160 purchase one for teacher.
"Obama This, I Did That"
In Text of Obama's State of the Union address, he only mentions himself 237 times, down 50% from usual speeches.
What people really think of Obama's first year of office?
Just ask the voters in VA, NJ and most recently in MA: 'a disaster for the American economy and jobs'
Obama Falling Back
Embattled Obama declares in speech, 'I don't quit till I fall in my shit!'
Lieberman Against Pork Bill
Independent Joe Lieberman comes out strongly against new bill filled with pork!
Obama's version of "no shortcuts" and "less government spending"
"Obama urges Congress to come together around new stimulus spending and short-term economic relief." Can't make this stuff up.
Creating real jobs - yes - but in India and China
US waste defined
Obama's wasted year - the whole of 2009 wasted, not working on building American Jobs
US resilience defined
US Economy and Jobs - on life-support after 12 months of Obama's stupid agenda.
Alien Worlds Federation (AWF)
Impressed with 'Doctor Who' re-runs - want their version of the ATMOS device fitted to every car - starting with Toyota brands.
To be renamed "The Sloth"
Just a cover story to crash-fit alien devices to cars to meet alien quota demands.
Obama: "I don't believe in short-cuts"
"No Sir. Just put your head in a plastic bag, your hands on your heart, and tell me I'm wonderful, the 'best thing since sliced bread' and vote accordingly in November 2010".
Obama's Plea to Congress
"Give me a second chance to $%@# up the economy some more."
Over two million aliens recalled to planet Toyotarus
Subo Wrestling the new craze
After over rated singer Susan Boyle wrestled with an intruder at her home a new craze has started were people dress up as Subo and wrestle its called Subo wrestling.
The KKK Is Hurtin'
The Ku Klux Klan hit with economic woes announces that it has been forced to lay-off 100 racists.
Tiger "Mr. Golf Gate" Woods Is Still In The Rehab Center
Tiger Woods has told his rehab supervisor that he is very anxious to get back to playing golf so that he can start picking up easy white chicks again.
The SS Toyota Recall
Toyota issues a massive recall. Owners are instructed to drive to Galveston where their car will be loaded on a ship and sent back to Japan.
"Ey Goomba, Pizza Dis"
Due to the popularity of the MTV reality show, Jersey Shore, the state of New Jersey has just voted to make Italian the state's official language.
Welcome To Sea World ("We Now Frisk")
Sea World of San Antonio reports that overnight someone broke into the Orca whale facility and stole one of its 15,000 pound Orca whales.
Paris Hilton: That's Just Yucky!
Paris Hilton heard someone mention the cliche 'you can bet your bottom dollar' and she asked why anyone would want to keep a dollar there.
It Could Be Kirstie Alley's Fault
Kirstie Alley, who weighs 385 pounds has been asked by Los Angeles city officials to please move to Nevada because her weight could upset the San Andreas Fault.
Toyota Does Not Want Anyone To Panic
Toyota in an effort to avoid a nationwide panic issues the following directive: The automobile recall only affects those cars that are equipped with an accelerator pedal.
The English Channel By Any Other Name...
The Chanel #5 Perfume Corp. has paid England £2,000,000 [$3.24 million U.S.] to legally change the name of the English Channel to The English Chanel #5.
No More Non-Selling Girl Scout Cookies
Due to extremely low sales numbers, the Girl Scout Organization will no longer be selling Girl Scout Cookies. Beginning next year they will instead sell Girl Scout Bottled Water.
The Town Known As New Haiti
Billionaire Talk Show Host Oprah Winfrey has offered to buy Haiti and move it to New Jersey.
Don't Cry For Him Argentina
Argentina has just named South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford as its 2010 Tourist of The Year.
Pass Me The Bridge Please
California in an effort to bring in much-needed revenue has agreed to rename The Golden Gate Bridge, The Golden Grahams Gate Bridge.
The Non-Dancing With The Stars Wynonna Judd
Hefty Wynonna Judd has been turned down as a contestant on this years edition of Dancing With The Stars. The producers are afraid that if Wy steps on a dancer, it's lights out and adios mutha!
The Acting Vice-President
Vice-President Joe Biden has agreed to star in the leading role in the motion picture, The Bob Uecker Story.
Sutherland Blows $869,000!
Kiefer Sutherland loses $869,000 in a cattle scam. He realizes now he should have invested the money in gophers instead.
Met Office Forecast BBQ Spring
We are in for a heatwave this spring announced the Met Office. Sales of umbrellas have soared
Unemployedto be shot
In an effort to reduce CO2 all the unemployed are to be shot.
Astronomer Says Aliens May Not Be Friendly
Okay then, let's not ask them to be our friends on Facebook.
Rolls-Royce Upbeat on Spoof.com Roast Model
Designed especially for Publishers, Editors and Writers, the online luxury cruiser brings the latest celebrity roasts, spoofs and satire to not only your eyes, but other senses as well, Farts and all.
Kirstie Alley announces new Weight Loss Program
Called the Peter Paul and Kirstie System, featuring Mounds of candy bars with a Nut.
Obama makes deceiving the American Public top US priority
- says it all
Hopper Divorce War Heats Up as Life Expectancy Cools Down
Attorneys for both sides say they will try to limit billable hours to one half of the estate value.
Triple Header Revelation
Tony Blair was once a Soho District Gigolo Performer to Margaret Thatcher, and Gordon Brown paid to watch.
CIA Report Says Terror Suspects May All be Linked to Humans
and thus all humans should be immediately suspected of being Terrorists.
Governor Shwarznegger Says California May Start Printing Its Own Currency
The new IOU's would bear a portrait of the Governor and be made out of a rubber coated currency paper so they actually "bounce" when dropped in a mail receptacle.
'Obama's Care Package'
More job losses and more small businesses going to the wall.
New Forclosure Alternative Emerging in Southern California
Sell the house only to Mexicans who will disassemble the house in one weekend and take it all to Mexico for rebuilding.
Once gone, just walk away with a fist full of cash.
Kiefer Sutherland Retained by McDonald's to Promote New Burger
Will be pitch man for new "No Beef" vegetarian burger.
O'Bomba: "I never said Change Would be Easy"
Well, buddy, with a Super Majority and the world looking for change, it could never have been easier.
Time to Quit?
Clinton message to Obama
"Learn to play an instrument. I won my second term as president based only on my SAX appeal!"
Tomorrow it will be cold. Very cold. Cold enough to freeze a snowman's ass off.
O'Bomba: "I never suggested change would be easy"
It must be really tough as we haven't seen any.
A flock of chickens protesting bad jokes, led a protest march, ironically, back and forth across a road.
Success in genetic engeneering.
A scientist today successfully crossed a lemon and a kitty-cat, creating the definitive sourpuss.
Republican Response to O'Bomba Speech
Die!, baby, Die!
Good morning! Here's a sleeping pill.
Mark Lang was in a coma for five years when he woke up, just in time to take his sleeping medicine for the night.
WWE on Ice
A new show, WWE on Ice puts professional wrestlers to work in the rink.
Luck...Good or bad?
Two time lottery winner (Over $243,000,000) Jacob Ladder was found dead today after having been struck by lightning twice.
O'Bomba: "Bank Bailouts a Root Canal"
"But not for the Banks"
Brown in Northern Ireland for Talks
Now that he's away, can Hadrian's Wall be rebuilt to Keep Him Out of England?
Repeat Lines in Presidential Speech Prompt Admissions from Dems
There really is no such Person as Barrack O'Bomba, he's a Google Android we bought from Kenya.
O'Bomba Speech: "But Seriously Folks, Its Time to Get Serious"
"There are millions without work and that is serious business, seriously.
O'Bomba to Announce Winner of High Speed Rail Contracts
Post Announcement Party being thrown by Al Gore and Government Motors. New Train to travel upwards of 30 MPH.
Mid Life Crisis Myth According to New Study
The foxy young babes that entice should be invited into a three way and everything will be nice.
Man Longtime Meat Eaters
Cave drawings indicate that man began eating meat 100,000 years ago. Drawing shows figure eating piece of mammoth and saying, "Tastes Like Chicken".
Main President Makes Speech
Lindsay Lohan says she still believes in Barack Obama "because he's like, the main president, right?"
Finally revealed: Lawrence Welk was sickly as a child and lived in a bubble his first 15 years.
Nader Points, Winks
Ralph Nader promises to be a lot more charismatic if he chooses to run in 2012 for White House.
Housing Crisis Hits Many
House crisis leads many identity thieves to sell off other people's houses dirt cheap. "Hardly worth the prison time", states one caught in Florida.
There's Been An Upset
North Korea'sKim Jung Il surprises everyone with victory over Osama Bin Laden, Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro and Iran's Alphabet to take Award for World's Craziest Leader!
Republicans Say Nation Can't Afford Democrat Policies
Nation Says "We Can't Afford Either One"
Social Science Research: Two Mommies are as Good As Mom & Dad
Tiger Woods Sex Report: Two Mommies are are Way Better than Mom & Dad.
Students Failing History
American students still failing history at school. Many answer that the Taliban attacked Pearl Bailey at Waterloo.
Pushed Beyond Control
The Dalai Lama punches Rosie O'Donnell in the mouth.
Middle East Breakthrough
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has achieved one breakthrough in the Middle East problem. Both Arabs and Jews now hate her more than each other.
Gore Refuses to Return Nobel Prize Despite Fraud Accusations!
An accountant for Gore Inc. says even if he wanted to, his client is freezing his ass off in his Florida Mansion, and burned all the money in the fireplace just to keep his balls from falling off.
Illinois Man Caught Beating Wife over Spoof Submissions!
When arraigned, the shoeless man said, "If there's one thing I can't stand it's a wife who's SNIPPIER then me...BITCH!" Bail has been set at 6,000 points.
Amanda Knox Now 'Crazy in Love' with New Cellmate!
Turns out her prosecuter was convicted of fraud on other matters, and sentenced to spend 5 years in the same cell...gives new meaning to the saying
"You've Got Justice by the BALLS!"
French Give Up Again!
Burqas now ok in bed...but the mustaches have to go according to Sarkozy!
Katrina Frog Pond Kisses Bargis Tryhol!
Bargis immediately turned into Jesus Budha who then carried her off to his
'temple of love" An amber alert has been issued.
Stella Strike Over As Skoob Pledges to Get off the Wagon!
Pissed off strikers faced with redundancy when Skoob stoped drinking, rejoiced today with reports he had a hangover. Skoob says he's moving to Belgium so he'll have less of a commute for his 'work'.
Earl Gray Thrown off Train in Moscow by Bubuskas at 75mph/ Survives!
The battered UK correspondonet claims he's fine, and says "Just wait, I'll get those C****s next time...this isn't the first I've had my clock cleaned on the pitch by some women with mustaches...!"
Oprah Confirms She & Stedman are 'off'!
Her new tell all books says Stedman was nothing more than 'a lick and a promise', and she's 'movin' on down' with Gayle since she's never liked Tootsie Rolls anyway.
Bargis Tryhol Concedes Since Google Cut Him Off He's Lost 6 Inches!
The Spoof's' Long Standing Member' says he's horrified, refuses to go out in public, and book signings for "Life at Moorview Institute" arel off until he regains his manhood. No Omment from Google.
Google Confirms Ban of All Spoof Contributions!
Google forensic accountant confirms Spoof Editor is running a 1.5M points deficit, and says "stockholders will no longer shouder this unsustainable debt with no visible means of repayment!"
Joe Wilson responds to Obama's insults to nation
"Not only is he a liar, he's a fucking liar....there I've said it." He also annonced Scott Brown would be his running mate in 2012 and denounced ACORN: "READ MY LIPS...NO MORE NUTS!"
Obama Breaks Protocol at State of Union Address!
Reading from Rahm Emanuels private notes on the teleprompter, he tells the nation "You're a bunch of fucking retards!"
In Big Yellow Letters
ABC newsman reporting on snow storm thinking he wasn't on the air yet, pulls huge boner and writes name in snow. Then hastily covers it up.
Think I'll Chance It
The FDA has announced the possible presence of e.coli bacteria in everything that tastes good.
Man I Gotta Go!
Winner of watermelon contest in Florida runs off as soon as he is presented the trophy after dancing all around stage during presentation.
Sorry But We Outnumber You
New book, "How The Death of All Boomers Will Save Social Security" now on Top 5 Burn List.
New Jimmy Buffet Song
Jimmy Buffet releases new song, "Wasting Away Again At The Obama Beer Conference".
Surprise In Obama Speech
One big surprise in Obama's State of the Union speech last night: Instead of Czars, leaders will now be called Knights.
Mankind Advances Traced
Discovery of ancient torture rack on wall means that man stood upright 100,000 years sooner than previously thought.
A Grim Fairy Tale
House Speaker Pelosi & Senate Majority Leader Reid will be inviting Republicans to participate, no bribes will be offered in exchange for supporting legislation and CSAN will be there! Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha.
Noted USA Economist Speaks Out
Mrs. B. Jones of Ohio told Pres. Obama the secret to fiscal responsibility (no deficits) is kitchen table economics. She said "her husband Phil's salary (revenue) determines how much can be spent."
New Presidential Spending Directive
President Obama issued an Executive Order to all far left wing Congressional Democrats. They are to take a dose of Imodium each morning to prevent them spending money we don't have, on unneeded s**t.
Democrats Still Pushing Health Care
House Speaker Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Reid are still trying to pass their version of health care reform. They plan to give the American public a dose of a new drug called SCREWYOUALL!
Deficit Reduction Strategy
President Obama has to do what Willie Sutton advised about robbing banks "go where the pork is," as opposed to saving chump change.
AIG Buys US Health Care Industry
AIG has purchased the entire US health care industry and plans to have Timothy Geithner head a huge single payer system. Congressional approval is necessary, leaving Pelosi and Reid speechless.
Possible Power failure
A power shortage and closing opposition TV stations in Caracas Venezuela has electrified the voters to pull the plug on President Hugo Chavez's Congressional supporters.
Noted Philosophers Question Democratic Thinking
Thomas Jefferson, Plato & Aristotle have issued a joint statement concerning the dysfunctional logic of the Democratic far left wing as applied to US economics, health care, energy & foreign policy!
Democratic Train Wreck
Far left Pelosi & Reid missed the message from Massachusetts and contracted the dumb flu as they continue to push health care reform. Some Congressional Democrats see the November train wreck coming!
Big Arms Reduction
Russia: Arms deal with US possible within weeks. Will reduce capability of killing everyone on earth 100 times over to only 75.
Harder To Get
Tobacco companies blame high cost of deadly chemicals for higher cost of cigarettes.
Also Three Janitor Resignations
Last months shit fight at Hanover, Indiana Nursing Facilities lead to seven cases of Hepatitis.
Democrats Vow They Won't Surrender on Healthcare Overahaul
But the White Flag is Waving High.
Can Never Be Too Careful
Cincinnati Airport security guard defends himself saying that he thought the young lady passenger might have bomb hidden under thong panties.
Boston Schools Get Axed
Two underperforming Boston schools to get the ax, while their parents get the ass, and demand hearings.
O'Bomba to Seek Change on Gays in Military
Out with "don't ask, don't tell".
The new policy is "Don't Eye Your Buddy's Fly and Don't Ever Bend Over."
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