Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 27 January 2010
Women Going for Cheaper Brunette Hair
Upper and Lower Blond Tint Jobs Very Expensive.
John Edwards and Wife Split
"King Kong," said Amanda Holden
The Spoof website on go-slow
First sign of alien invention - experts warn public to look out for 'second sign'.
Bore Johnson dramatically stands down from the Metropolitan Police
Press release: "Absolutely no truth to the rumour that Met had "the goods" on Boorish Johnson."
Absolutely No Truth
to the rumour
Afghanis Must Help Themselves
Afghanistan must do more to help themselves says President Obama. Afghans respond that the US has been helping itself on the world scene for many years now. Look around, help ourselves to WHAT?
Desperate Amanda Holden bids for King Kong's 'organ'
"Complet puzzle," say experts.
US lawyers persuaded former Attorney-General Goldsmith to sing that ballad
"Pants on the floor"
"Pants on the floor"
Amanda Holden wants to marry King Kong
- for obvious reasons darling - "Absolutely Fabulous reason", darling. "Just picture it, Amanda Holden and King Kong in bed together - the mind just boggles with it darling".
NSA-esq 'outfit' wants 'in' on the Spoof
Mark won't cooperate, so they put a filter up the Spoof's jacksie.
"Buttocks darling" - 'Absolutely Fabulous Buttocks"
Amanda Holden Insures her Cheeks for 20 million a-piece
New Name & Shame List!
New "Named and Shamed" list, this time bout London hookers that are actually men. Of course, once list hits, they'll change again. Just don't get raped and robbed.
Welsh Choirs qualify for extra Government Support
because "Aliens can't hear us", says astronomer.
Pope 'whipped himself' because of pervy guilt about God's Banker mess
Pope JP2 Lodge kept a cat-o-nine-tails in his bathroom closet and regularly worked out just like in the good old days of Hellfire Club parties.
City Shut Down?
New York subway closed until all-clear given, after fully loaded wino steps on the third rail. Smell coming up from the vents have left many puking their guts out, leading to others puking guts out!
Shocked Susan Boyle disturbs intruder...
who claims massive $$$s compensation after seeing the singer in her PJs and curlers...
Brown dodges PMS to remain at Ulster talks
Time of the month plus Saturday's full moon blamed as Gordo gets into under-the-duvet huddle with McGuinnes, Adams, the Yorkshire Ripper etc...
'Mums turning to Cameron, survey says'
Duh? I don't think so!
Man floating over New Mexico in lawn chair missing as lawn chair lands with only deflated balloons and bird, human shit on empty seat.
UFO Just Practicing
The United States Air Force has stated this morning that the UFO reported by many last night in the sky over Miami was only a Martian blimp getting ready for Super Bowl coverage.
Tiger Woods showing improvement at sex clinic. "I mut concentrate on Elin's rear end as hard as I do sizing up a putt.
How Did "Those" Get In There?"
Downstairs apartment dweller in NYC plunges stopped up commode so hard he plunges upstairs commode sitter's balls off!
NYC Mine Victim Of Theft
A Mime in New York City says his invisible cube has been stolen. "It's one of those gangs", motioned Mr. Mute. "That thing didn't just disappear into thin air."
Mick Takes A Fall
Mick Jagger falls from stage during rehearsal for new tour. Stage hand says he is OK as he landed on his lips.
Probably A Big Foot!
Orangutans at San Diego zoo go on strike. Sign they are tired of being accused of throwing shit, killing those women at the Rue Morgue.
Nimoy On Original Star Trek
Leonard Nimoy reveals secret to Vulcan salute: "It wound up 'Live long and prosper" but Shatner & I always stated it as "Live Sausage Even Longer" but they would always edit that out.
Granny's Cupboard Bare
Little Red Riding Hood having a hard time financially. "The wolf is at the door", she told UP2.
O'Bomba Spoeech Audience Requirements Toughen Up
Besides being either Mom, a "hero" a cop or a soldier, all audience members must now have a "minimum" credit score.
Only the Best of the Best of the Best, Sir!
Haiti Gets one Penney Out of Every Aid Dollar
And That Folks, Is Why Programs Such as "Aid for Haiti" end up being so heavily promoted and televised with celebrities out the ying yang.... 'cause it's profitable!
Terrorists Strike TheSpoof
Both Osama Bin Laden and al-Qaida have claimed responsibility for Spoof Stories not being read.
"They're Very Fast"
With the speed of her pit crew, female race car driver Danica Patrick says she still hasn't caught the crew member who attempts to rotate her breasts at least once a race.
It's Obama Again
President Barack Obama will be on ABC News Sunday with George Stephanopoulos, the first president ever to be on TV first 365 days of Presidency.
Pothead the Clown has died. Pothead will be cremated. "He always wanted to go up in a puff of smoke, says his long time clown friend, Joe Biden.
Raising The Dead
Pfizer has announced that the price of it's Erectile Dysfunction product, Viagra, is set to rise again tonight.
John Gray, writer of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" writing new book for teens called, "How To Get To First Base On Venus".
Belgium struck by Haitian after-quakes as Justin Henin "slams" into the Aussie semis
An apartment block in Liege, belgium collapsed as an Haitian after-quake struck and Justin Henin slammed her way into the Aussie semis at the same time causing Liege to rock and roll!
Mob In Action
Mob thrives on credit crunch, unemployment with 100% daily interest rates.
Michelle On The Trail
Michelle Obama jumps into budget process; Support for military families, whose husbands, wives were supposed to be back home by now, according to husband while running for president.
LA Closes Pot Spots
Los Angeles council votes to close most pot dispensaries as growers worldwide cannot keep up!
The Great Pretender
President pretends he didnt sign off on shady healthcare deals. "Why, health care was the farthest thing on my mind. We need jobs!"
"I Am The Greatest!"
Number of Times Obama Refers to Himself in One Speech: 132! Beats the record of Mohammed Ali two hours before a fight in 1969.
The UnKennedy: Obama aims to ax moon mission, drop any plans of visiting Dallas.
Cat & Dog Off Menus
Cat and dog meat could soon be off the menu in China because of them being fed bad dog and cat food.
British Kids Unhappy
It's a sad fact, but one in ten British children is unhappy. Brown requests Mr. Happy himself to come visit. "You can't look this guy in the eye without pissing yourself", claims Brown.
Deja Vue All Over Again
Britain, a United Nations of crime: Offenders from 160 countries are in our crowded prisons... one in seven inmates. Negotiations begin with Australia over several big prisons.
Up For Grabs
No time to chill: Marines endure temperatures of -30c in the Arctic as they prepare for combat over who owns the North Pole.
Images of city's most wanted criminals to be beamed on to historic landmarks. Criminals immediately begin killing off rivals so their pics will be #1.
Food poisoning bug is found in two thirds of supermarket chicken. Chicken farmers told not to feed their chickens bugs unless they know what kind they are feeding them.
Supreme Court overturns Government's 'unfair' power to freeze assets of terror suspects. Terrorists have the legal right to maintain their explosives.
Don't invest in Britain: The UK economy sits 'on a bed of nitroglycerine', investors warned. Other than that, things pretty well okey dokey.
'They are all dead anyway': What a yob allegedly told a church verger as he urinated on war memorial. 'What I drunk will help peed dirt to dirt, ashes to ashes'.
Lots Of Discrimination
Employer told not to post advert for 'reliable' workers because it discriminates against 'unreliable' applicants. Also, 'male' sperm donors needed' discriminates against female donors.
Scientists exaggerated impact of climate change, says Government's chief adviser. "No truth that we have six months before oceans rise ten feet."
Slide In Peru
Peru slide kills tourist, guide near Machu Picchu. "Not the best place to put a slide", says official.
Blood Pressure Dementia
More blood pressure worry: It's linked to dementia, according to new study of Napoleon Bonaparte.
The Blue Terradactyls
Flight tests show ancient birds could glide, perform acrobatics in flight.
NASA Ends Effort
NASA ends effort to free rover from Martian sand. "I'd like to go up there and kick it's ass", says one official.
Where Has Oregon?
Oregon still looking for wealthy to tax after passing increase. One way to draw more businesses apparently is by raising their taxes?
Obama Admits Mistakes
Gibbs: Obama acknowledges he's made mistakes. Blames too many beer conferences.
Backroom health care deals fuel voter anger. Also not exactly happy over troops secretly in Yemen, Tiger Woods hiding out in Cheney old undisclosed location.
Survey: Honeybee colony collapse losses declining better. Colony of honeybee collapse slows....Honeybees doing better, OK?
Oregon To Tax Any Found Wealthy
Oregon says yes to taxing wealthy, businesses as massive layoffs begins, exits into Washington.
Keep Circulation Going
Coalition of Active Neighborhoods holds winter rally. "As long as we can rally & stay active, we won't freeze to death", says Speaker.
Whooping Cranes & Democrats
Wildlife officials fear the world's only remaining natural flock of endangered whooping cranes, democrats in Senate & House, could be at risk of another die-off.
Well, A Groupie Are We?
Report: Intruder arrested at Susan Boyle's house after four hours. Could hardly walk.
Health Care A Taxing Issue
Congress slows down on health care until they get people working again, to tax for it.
Discussed Behind Doors
Report: Obama approved secret operations in Yemen as he continues his "Open Policy" promised during campaign.
4 men accused of phone plot had conservative ties. Also dressed in conservative shirts & pants, jacket.
National Debt Sign Explodes
Thinking of counting to a trillion one second per number? Better get started. It will take 31,688 years for generations to pay off Obama, Congress debt!
New Lizard King
Man caught at airport with 44 lizards in pants. "Are those lizards in your shorts or are you just glad to see all of us making this arrest?"
Toyota Halts Sales of All Models Except One...
because of sticking accelerators. Their "S" car is still for sale with a new slogan: "You ought to see our "S" car go!"
Teen Preggers Up!
Teen pregnancy rate up after 10-year recline. I'm sorry, that should be 10-year decline.
Obama Breaks Wind Record
231-mph NH wind gust is no longer world's fastest as speech of a pissed President Obama health care loss reaches 240-mph blowing 1st row audience into 2nd row. John Edwards hair may never recover.
State of The Union In One Sentence:
"I'm from the federal government and I'm here to help you."
Japanese Cars Not So Safe
Toyota halts US sales of Camry, 7 other models. Ford CEO: Ain't that just too bad?
Kim: This Is Great
NKorea, SKorea exchange fire near disputed border, roast over 100,000 hot dogs. NKorea thanks SKorea for invention of fire.
Obama Goal The Same
Obama's goal: Get agenda moving, people believing same old bullshit that worked during campaign.
Congresional Leaders Take Health Care Bill "Off Fast Track"
Now that really is the funniest thing I have heard in a decade since Billary first brought it up twelve years ago.
Intruder Arrested at Singer Susan Boyle's House
O'Bomba's Speech Goal: "Get People Believing Again"
Otherwise known as con job speech # 99.
Obama Health Plan To Drop Diabetics.
Diabetics will no longer be covered under the proposed US health care reform. "We will send Wilford Brimley to visit them occasionally," a White House spokesman said.
"He can feel their pain."
"Elin Woods Hopes to Save Marriage to Tiger"
Correct Interpretation: "Hang in there for a while so I don't look like such a loser and I'll cut you some bigger $$$$$"
Austrailian Open Women's Event Winding Down to Justine Henin vs. Serena Williams
Mighty Mouse vs. Thunder Mouth
Looking for Work?
Housekeeper Job Available working for Mrs. Netanyahu.
Litigation experience required to get paid.
Is France Right to Ban Muslim Veil?
Only if you feel uncomfortable with 8,000,000 Darth Vaders walking around.
O'Bomba Approved Secret Military Misions in Yemen
The Bush virus rears its ugly head once again.
Europe Grumbles about Backseat Role in Haiti
In U.S. Public Poll voters say "Pay Europe to take it away, Please."
Man Caught at Airport with 44 Lizards in Underpants
Good thing they weren't the meat eating variety.
Britney Spears, Shakira and Lady GaGa To Perform at Marine World With Shamu the Killer Whale
The show, "Scuba GaGa Spears Shakira" to coincide with "Feed the Whales" event.
Rosie O'Donnell Naked In Wax
All Part of a GITMO visual torture methodology
Hungry Crowds in Haiti Face Pepper Spray from U.S. Troops
What's Next? O'Bombs Away?
TSA to Set "Global Security Standards for Travel"
Total World Compliance.... or World War III, Which will it Be?
New Poll Results on Healthcare Bill
Half say start anew, the other half says dissolve the Government.
What Spending is O'Bomba Out to Freeze?
Not Nancy Pelosi's, that's for damn sure.
Change in the U.S. Government System Not Likely
When slaves don't know that they are slaves, the chances of insurrection are nil. We live in the land of the Wizard of Oz.....where is ol' Ozzy anyway?
What's in a Name?
NASA says its Mars Rover will no longer rove. It will stay in one place.
Reports Say NASA's New Space Suit is Quite Slimming
Several celebrities will be wearing them to the Oscars award ceremony.
Female Bowler Wins on Men's Tour
A male chauvinist complains, "They've taken over bars, the office and outer space. I just knew the bowling tour would be next."
In the U.S., Truckers and Bus Drivers Are No Longer Allowed to Text While Driving
Others can continue to text while driving and cause as many accidents as they want.
Wiliams Ordered to Cover Bum
Attempting to Intimidate Line Judge with Super Ugly Bare Bum Really Dumb.
Sister Serena Remains Mum...More to Come?
Vikings: No Deadline for Farve Decision
Death by Hanging or Firing Squad are both options.
Trucker gets ticketed 14 times.
Edward Fellstrom was given 14 speeding tickets today by a police officer who pulled the car-carrying truck over for driving 20 miles per hour over the posted limit.
Despite wind and rain and snow.
Bus driver Wayne Bickford drove 62 kids to P.S. 132 high school this morning, despite school being canceled. "Nobody told me not to," Bickford said when asked why he drove through 3 feet of new snow.
Irony at the Executioner's Block
James "Throw the Switch" Drawlight was sentenced to life in prison today for the executions of 63 convicted criminals after capital punishment was ruled unconstitutional.
Deaf Cheerleader Makes Mistake
A deaf cheerleader today told a crowd of football fans "I can't hear you!!" 72 times before being removed.
Someone at the CIA You've Never Heard of Says "al-Quaida has Weapons of Mass Destruction
Yep! from pocket rocket moth balls to WMD's Osama has them all in his pockets in the Hills of Afghanistan or Yemen or Pakistan or Iraq or Syria or.........well goddam it, someplace!!
New Report: Pope John Paul Regularly Whipped His Own Ass
Now there's a new one.
Rosie O'Donell Taking Over for Oprah
On the early Morning Lez Be Friends Show.
Banks of the NY Fed and AIG Accused of Hiding Key Facts
Hard to Believe. These guys wouldn't do that would they?
He Hates Osama Too
Osama Bin Laden nearly caught at airport but it turned out to be his gay cousin, Reginald Bin Laden.
Pussy Woods Still Silent
Pussy Cat Woods still not came out and made any statements on when or if he will join PGA this year.
Whiplash Bank Czar
President Obama, still angry over health care bill, appoints Snidely Whiplash as new Bank Czar. Little Nell takes out meager savings.
Political Windbags Up
Harnessing wind viable possibility in most states as this year an election year nationally and locally.
Lady Wrestler Hurt by Broken Nail
Female wrestling star Lady Jesse Pain was hospitalized today when she was gravely injured by her opponent who broke one of Lady Pain's fingernails.
Porn Star Problems
Long Eddie Wang was forced to retire from porn today when his penis divorced him rather than appear in "World's Ugliest Bitches volume 3."
Kiefer Sutherland on Mexican Hamburgers
Where's the Beef?
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