Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 26 January 2010
Child Obesity Statistics 'Rubbish' Claims Cameron
Smooth-faced old-Etonian Tory Leader David Cameron rubbished claims that Britain's kids are getting porkier. 'In fact it's a fine old tradition. There was Billy Bunter, and The Fat Boy from The Pickwick Papers. And my best fag at Eton was "Hippo" Fanshawe', the smug bastard purred yesterday.
Hamster Hammer Horror Sentence.
A boy who was forced by his mother to hammer his hamster to death, because of poor school results, has been told by courts to hammer his mother to death with a hamster.
Forget "Dirty Bomb", "Shit Bomb" lands in Times Square accidentally dropped from plane. Hundreds panic! No one hurt badly but many sick.
LA Cutting Pot Dispensaries
Los Angeles to Limit Marijuana Dispensaries! Also distributors asked to use the name "Green Medication" not "Cheech & Chong's Favorite!"
Thar She Blows!
Alert Ye Men: Female Suicide Bombers May Be Heading Here From Wemen...Yemen!
That's Illegal Sir
Bail Set for Man Arrested in Texas with Grenade Launcher! Claims he was hunting Chupacabra.
Probably Yankee Fan!
New York City's Mayor Bloomberg says he has no plans to purchase White House in 2012.
Not Illegal Here!
Gov. Schwarzenegger suggested California could ease crowded prison system by sending thousands of inmates to jails in Mexico. Mexico reminds him half arrested for being illegal would be freed there.
Way To Go!
After hearing about the Red Cross wasting all that blood after 9-1-1, three vampires commit suicide by running through the hot sun at nudist colony.
He Tried So Hard To Live!
Florida family finally takes grandpa off life support after he was ran over by a bushhog six months ago. Today in rooms 345, 346 and 347, they unplugged him.
Alien Life May Already Exist on Earth, Physicist Says
Indeed, the little aliens have been running the White House for some time now.
Advice From Conan
Conan The Librarian says: Only you can get your kid into reading! Today Hint: Tell them it was a book before it was a movie when they like something at the theater!
We're Watching Iraq Closely
Anonymous caller to President Obama on taped Larry King Show asks if any nucklar weapons ready to go in Iran.
Gives Trench Coats To Goodwill
Owner of theater says cleaning up after "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" nothing compared to that after the "Rocky Horror Sex Show".
Wecome To DC!
Scott Brown, just elected Senator of Massachusetts to replace Kennedy, gets several back slaps and one good pinch on the ass from Barney Frank on his first day in Washington.
Good Old Boy, That Shop Owner
Gunshop owner always tells customers when they leave, "Now don't you go shooting anybody that I wouldn't shoot!"
Malls Of America
Nations Malls hoping that new Sex Toy Stores, hookers hanging around fountains and car auctions will help bring in more traffic.
Full Mental Racket
Dems in congress seek expansion of Medicare, Medicaid, Government welfare, Food stamp expansion and immigrants health coverage. Republicans seeking use of recent Weapons of Massachusetts Destruction.
Police Lose Convict
Police lose one-legged North Carolina inmate who hopped out of van on the way to pick up road trash. Man has red hair and mustache, 5 foot 10, 155 pound, white male. Hops.
Astronomers say all eight planets will line up next year simply to piss off Pluto.
Al & Mark?
Liberal first year Senator Al Franken and Conservative Talk Show host Mark Stein may form "Common Ground" for those in between. But so far Franken & Stein cannot come up with a name for it.
Sarkozy demands the UNVEILING of the VEIL!
Pres. Sarkozy is hoping he can stop all fully veiled women appearing in public, VEILED. "The Almighty One" seems to be of a different opinion and Sarkozy might just have a slight heavenly problem!
Gaddafi Buys Portsmouth
Saadi Gaddafi is to buy Portsmouth FC. Meanwhile Coventry City are in talks with the Luftwaffe over a sponsorship deal.
Hillary Running Again?
From being under fire that day in Bosnia, I got back on the plane and we flew to Calcutta where I took Mother Teresa'a place for two weeks so she could rest.
Former presidents George Bush and Bill Clinton report back from Haiti with heads the size of apples.
Cactus Forest Being Planted
Texas and Arizona build new type of walls across southern border, thickly planted cactus.
Cowell Replaced By Bull
FOX rushes to fill Simon Cowell's seat, looking at several others just as full of bull!
Several Put Down, Hammered.
Awaiting a nostalgic revival, Pet Shelters are swamped with unwanted Pet Rocks!
News At 6 & 11.PM
Is Britain's Tory Leader, David Cameron now leading a double life? Is Britain's Tory Leader, David Cameron now leading a double life?
Long queues as Sri Lankans cast votes, shoes in Colombo!
Fan Attacked First?
Fan claims it was attacked first by shit before it finally blew up and attacked passers by.
Replaced By Groundhog
Possum no longer sitting atop east Kentucky food pyramid but Arkansas remains unchanged.
Shwarzenegger Says "Let's Rev up the Economy with Law Suits
Suggests Sending 20,000 Inmates to Mexican Prisons in order to "Cut Costs"
New Internet Game Fuss
New internet game encourages children to make their characters wear sexy lingerie and buy 'trophy' orphans. "Should be banned", says Madonna.
Doctors 'should have their skills tested as often as airline pilots' says Health Secretary Andy Burnham. "The same for prostitutes."
Earth's Twin Out There!
Earth's twin planet will be found by the end of the year, leading astronomer says. Plus it will only take astronauts three generations to reach it.
Some Containers Smaller
Soaring cost of food: Shops accused of using thicker containers to increase & disguise food costs.
Obama Has Not Met His Goals
Ministers WERE Told!
Ministers WERE told invading Iraq was illegal, Foreign Office law chief tells Chilcot inquiry, but were so involved in football argument, they paid no attention.
Also Ants Get In
Banker sues couple who sold him £1.9million Thames home 'because river floods his garden', neighbor's dog runs off with his garden shoes.
Dry Unruly Youth
Now anti-terror police stop children's TV stars... for carrying glittery hairdryers. "Could dry your hair to death", says officer.
Freshman Type Prank At Airport
Student pranked by Philadelphia airport TSA worker into taking a goat to airlines pilot, Ghote, ready to board.
Bigger Buns Cost More
Germany asks for two airline tickets to be bought by those with Big Buns! Will begin in Frankfurt, Hamburg.
NBC May Implode!
NBC hopes to recover for Olympics as Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien set to be commentators.
Hasty Pudding Award
Timberlake wins Harvard's Hasty Pudding award! Gobbles it down in 45 seconds!
Howard Sterns New Job?
Clean Channel interested in signing Howard Stern. I'm sorry, "Clear Channel" interested in hiring Howard Stern.
Not As Fierce As previously Thought
Rare dinosaur skeleton turned over to researchers as two foot tall Tyrannosaurus Rex throws off previous thoughts.
Bernanke Gets Boost
Obama joins White House effort to boost Bernanke. Mark McGwire gives him a steroid ass shot!
San Antonio Under Seige?
Homes evacuated in San Antonio as hill crumbles, Santa Ana's army reportedly spotted in the area.
Sarcasm Not Helping
Defense calls first witness at gay marriage trial to skip to the witness box.
Recession Barely Over
Recession barely over: UK grows 0.1 pct in Q4, same as most banks offer on savings accounts.
Won't Be Fooled Again!
Some confusion of Super Bowl as some ask "Who's on first?"
"New Boss, Same As The Old Boss"
PROMISES, PROMISES: Obama revives jobs tax credit that he argued against while campaigning!
Keep Them Frying!
New York Police want more help. Volunteers come forward to start free doughnut line at missions.
Blood Pressure Worry
More blood pressure worry: It's linked to dementia, caused by worries over blood pressure.
Laws ineffective in curbing cannabis use as there are not enough jails to hold millions of smokers.
Teen Pregnancies Up
U.S. teen pregnancy rate up after 10-year decline. Most blame 13-16 year old girls getting married in the South, Radical Mormon groups in the West.
Record Jobless Rate
Record number of young Americans jobless as record number stay in house all day on twitter, computer games.
Whoa! Look, Two Alike!
Winter storm in Midwest brings fierce winds, yet snow flurries drift down slowly and can each be counted, according to Pothead in Chicago.
Can't Leave, Can't Pay!
Florida woman fights ruling that kept her in hospital, running up $350,000 bill.
New York woman falls, rips Picasso painting. Claims weird looking people made her dizzy.
Boots On Also
Pernell Roberts, last star of TV's 'Bonanza,' dies with his wigs on.
Seven Economy Worries
7 Things About The Economy Everyone Should Be Worried About! Number One, the whole country is bankrupt!
Girls & Math
Girls may learn math anxiety from female teachers who say they can't COUNT on their husband for anything these days.
Too Many Czars!
Senate likely to reject idea of deficit task force as everybody in Senate, Congress and Staff now on average of three committees/tasks force.
*Obama doesn't understand kitchen economics
*Doesn't respect American small businesses
*Still believes Big Government will solve all our problems
*Essentially, doesn't believe in America
Obama:"For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction"
"As your President I mess up your economy, you independents wipe out my party this coming November."
What is Obama's problem?
He still doesn't get it. American small businesses are America's biggest job creator, but diss on them and they become America's biggest job destroyer.
"Obama's secret habit"
Not so secret now: breaking his promises.
"Barack Obama seeks three year spending freeze"
What Obama really means: (1) no help for American small businesses - just forget it; (2) more indirect taxation; and (3) more government.
UK Terror Threat Level Raised to "Severe"
As Gordon Brown wolfs down not one but two Super Chorizo Burritos.
Americans in Bid to Outdo Old British TV Favourite
In a bid to outdo the old BBC favourite "One Man and His Dog", the Americans have extravagantly produced "50 Firefighters and Their Dog."
To Split or Not to Split...
...That is the question, according to Brangelina.
Pernell Roberts, Adam Cartwright of "Bonanza," Dies
There's a buzz in the afterlife. Hop Sing, Cartwright cook, orders Chinese takeout for reunion dinner.
Jan. 27 Date Eagerly Awaited in the U.S.
You betcha it's because of Apple's long-awaited announcement of its latest creation and NOT because of Obama's State of the Union address.
John Bobbit Joins Flyleaf Band; Plans New Album
To be entitled "Open My Fly and Give Me Some Grief"
Last Words of "Chemical Ali"
"Pants on the ground,
Pants on the ground"
Tabloid Headline: "UK and US launch new Afghan offensive"
Gordon Brown and President Obama's orders are quite emphatic: "Send in the Clowns"
- he didn't like chemicals - oh No! He loved them! (Based on a lyric-line from 10cc)
O'Bomba: Freeze Discretionary Spending
But Increase Military Spending by 2X.
One Flew Over Their Heads
The "Massachusetts Message" has gone over Press Secretary Gibbs and the rest of the Chicago mafia's heads. Apparently they think the message is coming by stagecoach, as opposed to a pick-up truck.
New Climate Change Theory
Environmentalists have found that the cause of climate change/global warming is because the Sun revolves around planet Earth.
I'm Here to Help Me Get Reelected
President Obama will help the middle class with new aid plans. Americans want the government to help them by taking its hands out of their pockets, stop spending, reduce taxes and eliminate deficits!
Ex Senator John Edwards has been elected "Slime Ball" of the year by his peers. A five man panel of William Clinton, Richard Nixon, Saddam Hussein, Bernie Madoff and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was unanimous.
Environmentalists finally locate the cause of the obnoxious odors emanating from San Francisco Bay. Rotten vegetables such as rutabagas, squash and onions were identified.
Think Outside the Planet
NASA to colonize Mars & beyond, utilizing the natural resources & food production capabilities of billions & billions of uninhabited planets. Nevermore need people on earth be destitute or hungry!
Obama for Change!
Now that the Democratic Obama Administration (including Pelosi & Reid) have added trillions to the national debt, they will tax all Americans to clean up their mess, by coming after our loose change.
O'Bomba: "Double the Child Care Tax Credit"
That should do it. Depression averted. Perhaps a free Dunkin Doughnut on top of it all?
Bubble Wrap Sex
Bubble Wrap comes off the wall and into the culture as couples having sex try to pop each one before he pops.
Osama Warns Obama
Bin Laden warns Obama of more attacks on health care package. "You lose big in November!" he threatens.
Corruption Trial Moves Forward
Three jury selections found so far in New Jersey corruption probe trial as 178 turned down due to corruption in their past.
Big Fall In Home Sales
Biggest fall in US home sales since '68 when millions turned on, tuned in and dropped out.
We Must Save Japan!
Falling birth rate raises problem for Japan but Paradise to visiting US, British, Canadian nerds trying to get visas.
Chemical Ali Executed
Report: Saddam Hussein's cousin, 'Chemical Ali,' hanged. Body flown to Chernobyl for burial.
France nears ban on burqas; al Qaeda threatens revenge by ordering Muslims to stomp all snails in the world.
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