Spoof news snippets from Monday 25 January 2010
Doctors Suggest American Medical Association Change Name of Women's Practices
"What part of a woman is a Gyne? Why not just call us pussyologists?"
Peyton Manning to Spend Next Two Weeks Preparing For Super Bowl
That's probably eight less commercials he'll have time to make.
Vikings Teammates Disappointed Favre Choked Against Saints
"We had a Gatorade Bath for him filled with Geritol."
Indy Colts Invite Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders To Be On Their Super Bowl Sidelines
"We both wear blue and white, and what's football without the Cowboy Cheerleaders?"
Obama Gives Presidential Order Saying "Massachussets" Must Change State Name
"I think any state named after Massa must be racist"
UN climate control committee and the British Met Office
The two hottest favourites for "Best Comedy Double Act"
Tiger Woods, a "meat and potatoes guy" (allegedly)
and lemmings love sticky toffee pudding with custard. Well, they do!
Welsh Assembly of God (WAG)
Easily confused with the Welsh Assembly Government (WAG)
UN adamant that
humans will die out unless then can run at 40 mph to escape rising sea levels following the soon-to-happen melting of the Himalayan glaciers.
Should Thank Me!
In latest video Osama Bin Laden takes credit of help saving the world from overpopulation!
Nothing Much To Do
Recent snows, ice, cold and power outages have increased number of sales of battery operated vibrators by 50%.
Balloon Boy Story Incomplete
Authorities still putting together charges over the Balloon Boy incident, but the final list is still up in the air. Now they have found out that the White House crashers at hearings were more fakes.
Another Robot Breakthrough
Japanese inventors now have a robot that will go to the refrigerator and get you a beer and sandwich. Now, all we need is one that will gently scratch our balls.
Obama Offense Weakened
Advisors to President Obama tell him he's been losing lately because of spreading his troops too thin & on too many fronts: Afghanistan, Iraq, Republicans, Fox News, Rush Limbaugh & his Mother In Law!
One of Bernie Madoff's former clients is suing Bernie for using HIS money on women, drink and drug parties. The rest he just wasted.
Well, The Men Did
When asked about last year's movies, most viewers in a poll stated that the movie "Paranormal Activity" had too many ghosts and not enough scenes of things going "bump in the night".
He Was Barely Hanging On
Airline pilots who overflew their Minnesota landing by 150 miles now claim they were distracted by balloon boy.
"We Is For The Good Guys!"
Former Vice President Dick Cheney accused the White House of "dithering" over the strategy in Afghanistan. "I'm not dithering", stated Obama. "My teleprompter crashed."
"Till The Fart Lady Sings"
According to NBC News, President Obama has played more golf in nine months than George Bush in nearly three years. Bush wasn't as good. His handicap was Yogi Berra's Disease.
Where's The Change?
Obama Uses Teleprompters During Speech at Elementary School after 4th grader asks uncomfortable question.
Serena Willimas "flesh coloured" knickers cause heart attack global epidemic!
Male tennis fans over 73 have been cautioned and warned about watching Serena Williams in her flesh coloured knickers, it could cause major heart attacks!
Chimps Love Camp
Movie made by chimpanzees to be broadcast on television Most expect usual barrel laughs, shit-throwing.
Calif. Guv Campaigning
Schwarzenegger admits he smoked drugs, took part in wild orgies, hung out with hookers. Opponents say he's only playing up to the Hollywood public before next election.
New Pre-Census Survey
California is the #1 place those in other states would like to be, except for those living in California. There #1 was "Any Place But Burning, Flooding, Earthquake, Landsliding California".
Chemical Ali Decently Executed
Ali Hassan al-Majid, a former Iraqi official known as "Chemical Ali", has been executed after being turned over to Greenpeace.
Obama's Ears Red
Rumor: White House temperature gauge set on 75 degrees. Michelle stared down by Mother In Law every time she reaches for it.
Sign of the times: "Slow, 30 MPH School Zone! Are You Wearing Your Bullet Proof Vest?"
Rumor: George W. Bush, Tony Blair spin doctors lose their licenses.
What About Obama Worshippers?
Man wearing "Jews For Jesus" tee shirt told he cannot enter public buildings.
More US Jobs
Some factories tell President Obama that the dollar is shrinking so fast they may be back to their old factories in the US before long..just as soon as smoke clears.
Chemical Ali joins his cousin in Allahs heaven
Çhemical Ali and Saddam have been reunited in heaven, they had a bit of a swing getting there, but now both are happy in their new lives as WOMD inspectors! (Fooled you again!)
Scientist Still At Lab
In South Korea, that scientist considered to be one of the pioneers in the field of cloning and had been sentenced to two years in prison, admits he's a clone.
Those two pilots that sped 150 miles past their Minneapolis destination and been fired, finally admit they forgot where they were going & arguing when airline hostess reminded them.
Nothing On The Telly!
Primary schools forced to build new classrooms as councils struggle to cope with soaring birth rate since big snowstorms keeping more couples inside.
Diminutive Child Star Gary Coleman Arrested for Spouse Abuse
Authorities claim they are keeping him on an 'extemely short leash' after
Protective Custody Order Signed by Judge Judy, who has even a shorter temper than him.
Cameron accuses Brown of 'moral cowardice' for failing to tackle secretary, budget deficit.
Blair Witch Hunt Project
£250,000 electrically wired ring of steel for Tony Blair's grilling: Huge security operation as Judgment Day looms for ex-PM over Iraq War. Will have hood over head & answer only Yes or No!
Grotty Grosvenor in Blackpool voted filthiest hotel in Europe. Booked up by goths until 2011 after receiving reward.
Pensioner, 91, killed in collision after driving wrong way down dual carriageway backwards with turn signal on in the wrong car at 90 MPH.
Real Ghost Now
Bus-riding cat Casper killed in hit & run. Later driver, Wendy, says she didn't see him.
Was NFC championship loss Brett Favre's last game? If you can't run five yards down the field with no one close, maybe it is.
Coleman Attorney Angry
Actor Gary Coleman jailed in Utah. Attorney fills action on client being placed temporarily in baby play pen.
Pope Urges Priests
Pope to priests: Go forth and flog. I'm sorry, that should have been "Go forth and blog!"
Angie Comments on Brad & Jenn Situation
"I just want to have my cake and eat her too! Can't we all just 'get along?"
Kirstie On Mercy Mission
15 whales die beached in NZ, 33 coaxed to sea as Kirstie Alley hired to lure them out.
Save The Tiger
Save The Tiger: Pressure mounts from PETA, PGA for tougher action.
Home Sales Fall
Home sales likely fell in December. No stats yet but nothing different happening during the past 12 months so it's a pretty safe bet.
His Campaign Died Too
McCain says campaign finance reform is dead, plus I don't feel all that well, myself.
Looking For Jobs
White House advisers promise sharper focus on jobs, but not the Bill Clinton type.
Only One Ever Found
Rare dinosaur skeleton of the Brontoplatypus turned over to researchers.
You're number 1: Alaska village up first in census, although Wyoming already known to contain 34 people.
Bowling Green Hospital confused rectal thermometers with regular one, giving whole floor the shits.
Practically Stopped Altogether
Businesses expect to boost hiring and capital spending in the first half of the year as the U.S. recovery from the recession s l o w l y continues.
Obama Helping Middle Class
Obama to announce aid for middle class. Recommends private soup lines, first in line at unemployment offices.
Gary Coleman Arrested
Actor Gary Coleman was arrested in Utah on a warrant for failing to appear in court, police said. Coleman claims he was there, jumping up & down, but nobody noticed.
U.S. census to start on a dog sled in Alaska, end sometimes in 2019.
Russians In Hospital
Holy shit? 117 Russians in hospital after drinking holy water.
Torches Won't Help
Scientists create model of weather monster 'Frankenstorm', with Eyegore right in the middle.
Housing Complexes Bankrupt
Owners: $5.4B NY housing complexes go to creditors. Both Upper East Side, 12 one-room apartments will soon be available for $450,000 each.
Will Do 2 More Episodes
"All My Children" actor James Mitchell dead at 89. Will still do "walk on" (laid out) spots about dying until funeral.
Thousands of vets could get benefits upgrade, from $400 per month to $410 per month.
Storm Hits Washington Metro Area
Deluge of rain and windy gusts of 40 mph; natural physical confirmation of turbulent times for the White House.
Astronauts Finally Get Limited Internet Access in Space
Data shows Porn Sites first up.
Audit: State Department Failed to Oversee Iraq Reconstruction
But Didn't Fail to Pay Halliburton!
Aid Groups Seek Tent City Sites for Haitian Refugees
Only problem with that thought is the Aid Groups want the Tent Cities in and around NYC.
Pope Wants Priests to Start Jogging
There go the robes.
Rare Dinosaur Bones Studied at Last
The unknown raptor has been given the name Bretuvius Farvius due to the extraordinary age of the bones.
I see London, I see France . . .
. . . I see Venus Williams' underpants.
Fans Send Farve Special Request: Hop In
Found Costco had delivered a fully paid for casket to his house with self sealing hydraulic lid. Just hop in and its done.
British Met Office gumped again
prosecuted by Trading Standards Office under "unfit for purpose" for providing inaccurate weather reports to Osama Bin Laden
O'Bomba Goes on Offensive to Save Agenda
Cuts a loud and very offensive fart while making State of the Union Address.
"Some health plans are more equal than others"
"Pants on the Floor": Cadillac health plans recognise sex addition as an illness, but will only cover it on the deluxe Cadillac health plans.
Sex Addiction Treatment - only for the rich
so ordinary folks can't have it because treatment is not covered by their health plans.
Five Things Your Bank Won't Tell You
1. Its not your money
2. You will be charged for having the money you don't own
3. Interest isn't taxable for the bank, but is for you
4. If you want a loan, bend over
5. Its only paper, fool.
Brad & Angelina split, Tiger & Elin talking, Brad & Angelina Talking, Tiger and Elin split, Tiger and Elin talking....
"Royal Society meet to discuss if extra-terrestrials are here on Earth"
Turns out that the Royal Society is full of aliens.
Hillary: "Internet Information Curtain Is Dropping All Around the World"
hours afterwords, it was revealed that anti-government e-mails are now being intercepted by the Pentagon and the sources referred for investigation.
Bush Has Up/Down Day
Former president Bush was excited for awhile Sunday as WMD's were discovered in remote area of Iraq. Turned out they were ones we sent them to battle Iran.
Adam Lambert Proves He Really is Queer
Says "that guy over there, Jamy Winehouse, he looks sorta cute to me."
Kelly Kullick Wins on Men's Bowling Tour!
Well, that hit like a lead balloon.
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