Spoof news snippets from Sunday 24 January 2010
Looked The Part
Celebrities appeal for Haiti Relief in televised fundraising concert has surprise visit from President. Barack Obama did a version of BB King's "The Thrill Is Gone" after losing health care vote.
Obama Chasing Moderates
Obama endorses deficit commission plan to begin after November. Not clear in what year.
Bush Still On WMD
Former president George Bush says that Saddam Hussein even mentioned weapons of mass destruction in fictional novel he was writing.
Foreign Language In US Homes
One in four Americans speaks a foreign language at home, mostly "teenage twitter".
"Funding" shortfall Leads to Afghan Vote Delay
I thought is was a lack of non-corrupt candidates.
Middle East: Radical Islamists call for boycott of all
American-made products except for Viagra.
Former Patient Reveals All
Report of sexual hi-jinks using whips, handcuffs and whipped mayonnaise at the Mayo Clinic.
Obama Gets Good News
After having a really bad week last week President Obama hears some good news. He's saving hundreds of dollars in auto insurance.
What the Government Has in Mind for Your 401K
Nab it, Spend it!
White House Leaks
President Obama discovers that the recent leaks at the White House came from those beer conferences.
New Bank Mortgage Plan Approved by O'Bomba
Now your paycheck will be sent directly to your creditors, they will send you anything that remains after all deductions.
No one knew that those identifying themselves as Dittoheads calling in on Rush Limbaugh meant that they were hooked on prescription drugs.
Haiti Recovers 150,000 bodies
O'Bomba orders "Green Energy" project implementation.......soylent green production to start immediately.
Wal Mart Cuts over 11,000 Jobs
In effort to reduce all labor costs to minimum wage.
Perfect. I can't wait to apply for one of the new positions.
Should Cencus Use the word "Negro" ???
Hmmm, I thought Harry Reid already decided "only if they have a negro dialect"
Texas News Drought
Those Texan reporters were having a poor day. The best headline they had to work on was "Scandal: Tanned Sandalled Banned Vandals in the Panhandle Manhandle Scammed Candlestick-maker".
Dillinger Getaway Car Sold for $ 165,000
To Michele O'Bomba who is now waiting impatiently for the Mr. to clear out and hop in for a getaway....
to some place south of the border.
Valerie Jarrett Says O'Bomba Has Changed the Way the U.S.is Viewed
Absolutely Right Valerie! Not EVERY country is headed up by a "Nobel Peace Prize Winner"..................................
Best Work Places With Big Salaries
1. Banks of the NY Fed
2. U.S. Senate
3. AIG Insurance
4. U.S. Congress
There really is nothing else.
O'Bomba Tops "Baloon Boy" for Story of the Year ......
with "Buffoon Boy"
Smily McCain Says "Campaign Finance Reform is Dead"
Time to Run for President Again!
"Really Messed Me Up"
Old stoners burn down radio station that played golden oldies after they cut short full version of "Blinded By The Light" by Manfred Mann.
Bureau's BIOD #2
If the South had won the War Between The States, there would be a town in Maine called, Slaveport. Believe It Or Don't!
Another close call for the airlines as the bomb only partially works. No one injured but the ass-bomber, who was torn a new one.
Alley Pulls Groin Muscle
Kirstie Alley takes up ballet to help her lose weight, but pulls a groin muscle..her partners.
UN Climate Committee switch gear
Massachusetts win for Scott Brown (R) seen as 'writing on the wall' for global warming bumpkiss.
Final Words of Ms. Coakley's former Senate Campaign Manager for the Massachusetts Senate Seat
"Didn't see that coming".
MPs Mr. and Mrs. Swan confound 'experts'
"Bizarre divorce" after morning tryst camouflaged as a tea-break, Mr. and Mrs. Swan returned to Parliament canoodling Mr. and Mrs. Mopbucket, respectively.
VP Joe Biden says that President Obama was so mad about not getting his health care passed, he tore a 2500 page copy into.
Bureau's BIOD #1
Bureau's Believe It Or Don't: While the company has made millions of dollars selling KY-Jelly, KY-Jam never made it. However, a jar of it today is worth $50 as a collector's item!
Bootleg cheap copies of Michael Jackson songs starting to show up, usually under the name of "Grabby McGroin".
Harry Reid Hires Senate 'Colourist'
Despite failing in the polls, Reid is confidant in re election and hired an interior decorator to find 'just the right shade of negro' to work in the office.
Reid's office is currently 'off white.'
Obama Explores New Territory
President Obama still searching hard for a paddle after finding himself upstream.
Venezuelans Still Have Some Freedom
Venezuela TV channels taken off air. Replace by portrait of Hugo Chavez. During night, someone drew huge mustache on it.
Kim Still At It!
North Korea's Kim responds angrily to South Korea defense program. "I can blow us both up anytime, just like Wiley Coyote."
Bill Advises Obama
Former president Bill Clinton tells Obama to forget the blow to his health care plan and go forward with the rest. "I had to bounce back from several blows, myself."
Osama Knew About Bombing Attempt
Apparently Osama Bin Laden knew about the attempted December 25th underwear bombing. In his latest video, he sings, "We Wish You A Merry Christmas".
Global Warming Holding Off
According to Michelle Obama, global warming has not hit the White House yet. "There's a cold look in Barack's eyes every time he sees Mom."
Obama Out Of Touch
President Obama is being accused of being out of touch with the average American. For one thing, he's skinny.
Report! New OBL Tape Emerges from CIA Propaganda House!
Right on Que, the "Fear Factor" is dispensed once again to mask the upcoming wave of tax increases, and perpetual ware costs.
"Neverending OBL story is the **BEST** Investment the CIA ever made."
"Bin Laden Lauds Failed Christmas Bomb Bid"
Sure, right from the NBC "suspension of disbelief" Studios.
and if you believe that Pentagon crafted shit, they've got plenty more in the company store.
O'Bomba's State of the Union Address to Focus on Jobs
Although he doesn't know anyone personally who doesn't have a job.
They Were Popular
Tareq and Michaele Salahi, the White House party gate crashers are showing off photographs of themselves with security guard, Obama, Biden and Lincoln's ghost.
Bring That Nose Down
In new video, Osama Bin Laden admits that he caused the people of Massachusetts to elect Republican Senator to piss Obama.
No Kennedy Running
The Massachusetts democrats have a new motto: "What, Are There Not More Kennedys?"
Some Too Tight
Guest on Oprah who wrote "Everybody Poops" admits that he made it all up.
Baseball Janitor Strike
Baseball janitors may strike before season opens. Claim all the needles lying around dugouts, dangerous.
Sing Sing Land To Open
Sing Sing Land opens this Spring. Visitors will be able to rattle tin cups on bars, trade cigarettes, sit in electric shock using a mild shock, dig in tunnel.
Biden Reassures Obama
Biden tells an upset Obama: Don't worry. The people in charge know what they're doing wrong.
Hubble Ordered To Turn Back Towards Space
Hubble Telescope sends back photos of little out of the way restaurants that aren't all that expensive.
More Gay Rights
California approves the right for gays to adopt gay children, highway sections.
Thug Let Go
Cherie Blair spares violent queue rage thug because he is a 'religious man'. "He religiously believes in violence."
A Duck & Gander Issue
How long before Cadbury's chocolate is made in this Polish factory?Poles say it's only right after Brits make polish sausage.
Miliband: In Case I'm Wrong
Avowed atheist David Miliband sends son to Church of England school.."Just in case!"
Boy Must Live With Father
Judge orders boy, 11, to live with father he hates and hasn't seen for four years. Boy orders judge to 'shove it!'
"Move To The Back!"..."Nosiree!"
Bus-riding cat Casper that was killed in hit & run, back as friendly ghost on back seat.
"I'mGetting The Shit Outa Here!"
Combat wounds not the leading cause of evacuations says study. More caused by overuse of laxatives.
Obama Unloads On Court
Obama unloads on high court over campaign finance ruling. Court: You ain't heard nothing yet!
Bernanke To Survive
Senators assure Obama Bernanke to win 2nd term. Can't same the same for Obama.
US Envoy Makes Some Progress
US envoy meeting with Israeli, Palestinian leaders. Persuades them to quit sticking out tongues, waving weiners at each other.
Stop & Rest A Spill
Coast Guard: Oil spill in Texas waterway contained. No wildlife in danger as all died during the last spill.
Flatt edges Nagasu for title; Cohen collapses. Most say Leonard can barely sing, let alone skate.
Scorpions, Sting Do Final Concert
German rock band Scorpions to end career, with special guest appearance of Sting.
New Speech Update
Obama's State of the Union agenda: Yes, We Are On The Can!
What's Your Hurry?
Flight diverted to Denver due to unruly passenger who tried to get off plane early, over Denver.
Andy Murray steaming on, Nadal has promised to Grandslam his "Cojones" Tartan bleu
Scottish euphoria is unleashed as Murray swashbuckles his way in Australia, un poco problemo, Nadal, has promised to jack up Andy's kilt and Grandslam his "cojones" a Tartan Bleu!
Andy Dick Arrested
Actor and comedian Andy Dick has been charged with two felony counts of sexual abuse and being an all-around Dick, in West Virginia.
Chavez Removes Channel
Anti-Chavez channel removed from cable. Replaced by government puppet show.
It Was Me!
Bin Laden claims responsibility for Tsunami that hit Haiti, snow & ice storms in Britain, floods in California.
Bin Laden Claims Responsibility
Bin Laden claims Christmas bombing attempt. "I placed the bomb in his underwear myself."
Males sleeping in bed with their partners are BRAINDAMAGED!
Austrian loony scientist, Adolfo Hilter, discovered that males sleeping with partners in the same bed causes BRAINDAMAGE. He is a lonely, sad, MAD PROFESSOR, his partner is locked up in the cellar!
Beer Is Good For You!
At last the news we've all been waiting for. A man survived for 11 days after being buried by the Haiti earthquake. His secret? He lived off beer. So, next time your doctor starts talking shit...
In About Face, O'Bomba Approves New "Fiscal Commission"
Which will propose sweeping tax increases so O'Bomba won't be tagged with generating them, just approving them.
I guess that is the "change" we can believe in.
Where Your "Aid to Haiti Donations" Actually Go
45% to the "professionals" who count up the money
45% to the "professionals" who distribute the money
10% to the "people" who need the money
In Middle of Air Flight, Passenger Tries to Open Plane Door
Subdued by fellow passengers, he was heard to scream, "Avon Calling."
UN claims Old Father River Thames
will run dry a week after the Himalayan glaciers melt unless drastic action is taken on global warming.
Pope Says Church Should Use Many Options of New Technology to Spread Gospel
"Be my friend or burn in hell," he announces on Facebook.
White House Is Sure that Federal Reserve Chairman Bernanke Will Be Reconfirmed
Just as sure as it was that Democrat Martha Coakley would be elected MA Senator.
Bristol Palin Now Says Pre-marital Sex is a No-No
Um. . . What's that old saying about closing the barn door after the cows have escaped?
Over a million Lbs. of Salami Recalled for Possible Contamination
Super Bowl sandwiches put on hold.
Rep. Barney Frank Thinks Two Mortgage-Finance Giants should be abolished
"Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac just gotta go," he said. "This is the age of same-sex couples."
Little Green Martians Invade Indianapolis Airspace and Leave Skywritten Message
"Haggis me this"
A wee dram just before heading home, a wee nip on the road home, a quick drink on the path to the front door, a quick trip on the door step and a wee swig with Angel Gabriel.
UN warns world's glaciers will melt
by lunchtime tomorrow unless the world acts now - UN bases its ice-solid prediction on a cartoon published in the Beano comic.
Story of Two Browns
Scott Brown who won "Ted Kennedy's Senate seat" goes to Washington; and Gordon Brown from Scotland who went to London.
O'Bomba Endorses Task Force to Battle Deficit
Correct Interpretation: Tax & Spend, Tax & Spend, Tax & Spend, Tax & Spend, Tax & Spend, Tax & Spend.....
You Don't Know Where You Heard This!
Conspiracy Theorist in Wyoming cracks up. Claims the UN now owns every homemade apple pie in America.
Ate A Lot Of Sand-wiches
Archaeologists in Egypt discover hidden room in pyramid with mummies, their favorite keepsakes and small food pyramid.
Geese Fly Mid-South
Global warming still holding off as snowmobiles return to Yellowstone Park!
"You Eat Shit..He He He"
Chinese hackers hack into "Do Not Call" list from five years ago. Threaten to ring everyone's telephone at meal times.
Moon hits man's eye
Today the Moon nearly hit a man's eye like a big pizza pie. Scientists believe that's amore!
Spoof Writer Bristol Returns!
"Spoof" writer Dan Bristol came out of hiding today in a shocking news conference at Spoof HQ. Bristol, who has spent the past several years on a Moroccan goat farm, announced that he feels tingly.
Scientists discover cure for baldness, tell no one.
Scientists announced today that they have found a cure for baldness, flatly refusing to tell anyone what the secret is. A spokesman is quoted as saying, "I'm not saying. You're mean to me."
Rich Democratic Investors
Health care & energy taxes are OK with rich Democrats, affecting the middle class! Rich Democrats are upset over taxing large Wall Street banks, as their portfolio values decrease when Obama speaks.
Management Gurus Advice
Management Gurus have indicated that the way to rise quickly in any management hierarchy is to remember the axiom "S**t Floats." This truism explains all the management incompetency seen lately!
What's wrong with this Picture?
Blackwater case dismissal will be appealed, aided by the US Justice Department; SEALS undergo a courts marshal for giving a terrorist a bloody nose; and terrorists get civil trials in the USA?
Tar and Feather Incident Reported
During a budget meeting with California's governor, someone suggested the state pay for the health care for all California residents. The first tar & feathering incident occurred in over a 100 years.
Supreme Court Decision
Acme Toilet Paper Products is the first corporation to take advantage of involving themselves in politics. ATPP will print the faces of your favorite politicians on their giant economy size rolls.
Proposed Government Spending Solution
Americans are tired of wasteful spending upping the national debt! Obama, Pelosi and Reid have proposed that elected officials be held personally responsible. The law won't go into effect until 2017.
New Psychiatric Study Released
A psychiatric study conducted among Democratic House members shows they suffer from "Penis Envy," particularly House Speaker Pelosi!
France and Venezuela are examples of government sponsored entitlement programs run amuck!
New Spoof Writer
Hugo Chavez, President of Venezuela, has been invited to write for "The Spoof!" The other writers agree they could not dream up the "ridiculous stuff" Hugo has been saying about the USA and Haiti.
Last Rich American Leaves the USA
With little fanfare, the last rich American that the Obama Administration could tax to pay for anything has flown out of the USA without leaving a forwarding address.
Democrats Respond to Election in Massachusetts
LEFT WING LIBERAL DEMOCRAT: Scott Brown is the new Republican Senator from Massachusetts. CONSERVATIVE DEMOCRAT: That was the best $50.00 campaign contribution I ever made.
Anagrams and Wanking
Psychiatric studies show that Spoof Writers who continually answer their own "Anagrams" are prolific wankers!
When President Obama Comes to Visit
After visits to New Jersey, Virginia and Massachusetts Democratic candidates in the upcoming November 2010 elections are signaling they won't be home when the president comes to visit!
New Trial Desired
Relatives of Al Capone are suing the FBI for a new trial, indicating the notorious gangster was tortured, kept in long confinement and denied his civil rights.
Martians Secretly living in Massachusetts
Democratic left wing liberals blame a secret infiltration of Martians into Massachusetts for the Republican Senatorial victory.
Health Insurance Larceny
Left wing Democrats mandating that young people buy health insurance is unconstitutional, makes these young folks criminals if they don't comply, and is just plain stealing their money.
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