Spoof news snippets from Saturday 23 January 2010
Porn Star Shot in Head
A male porn star was shot in the head today at his Florida home. However, surgeons say that the man should pull through because the bullet missed his brain by a good 60 centimetres (2 feet).
Let Me Know when it Becomes "Critical"!
The UK terror threat has been raised from "substantial" to "severe" and is expected to last until the general election this year. Gordon Brown says it's not him. David Cameron says it's not him. SO IT MUST BE YOU!
The Ultimate Irony
It's ironic that hospitals can kill you. Britain's oldest working woman aged 102 died in hospital after being admitted to it for the first time in her life.
Asda's Top Banana!
A man bought some bananas at his local Asda store, but was shocked to find 2 in one skin.He was afraid to declare his find in case he was charged for the extra one. Asda say they are doing a buy one, get one free offer.
No basis in fact
that fried rats have enough protein to keep an average man going for a month or so.
Absolutely no truth
to the rumour that Jamie Oliver's restaurants are serving nutritious food.
O'Bomba: " I'm Not Receiving Support From My Own Team"
Time to call the Head Coach. Who would that be by the way?
John Connor (Terminator Salvation franchise so not a real person) put on Al Qaeda kill-list - he's #2 on the list, a civilian (Kyle Reese) is #1 on the list
Saudi Arabia Claims Yemeni Rebels Are Connected to al-Quaida
and in return for that juicy information, the Saudi King would like a "get out of alQuaida connection" free card.
In a momentary lapse of concentration baby went through airport
x-ray scanner - mother gave baby to father who was placing his laptop on the conveyor with baby next to laptop
"Bambi" born at Chesterfield Zoo turns out to be
an artificial antelope running a learning algorithm on a set of 64-bit DSP chips with wireless uploads from the Met Office's IBM Blue supercomputer.
do what Wales does under Welsh Assembly Government control.
"Expect the Unexpected"
Welsh Assembly Government actually implements a sensible policy decision
Terror scare at Manchester Airport
when man attempts to swap his cuff-links for regular buttoned shirt
POP QUIZ #2
Jennifer Aniston has placed some eggs in liquid nitrogen storage so that: (1) she can have babies later or (2) she wants to feel she can have babies later
Jennifer Aniston never gets 'a bun in the oven' because:
(1) she dates men plagued with "early withdrawals" or (2) she never sleeps with them.
Scotch Porridge Oats
don't die on an empty stomach
No Sir, no Sir, no Sir
Professor Richard Bonney is not entirely correct in his opinion that the reason for increasing the threat level is the pending arrival of Clinton in London
Skoob Arrested for Posing as Online Swimsuit Model
Apparently was so good looking to Brit men, he (she) received $ 15,000 amongst other enticing tidbits of affection.
US/Cuba Trading Again
Obama: US to begin importing cigars, sugar from Cuba. Exporting clunker cars turned in recently for new ones.
Bunch Of Liars
Iran says they are already making nuclear weapons. Obama: Liars! Thats's not what British/American intelligence is telling us!
We Want Him First!
PETA after the Miami Beach Killer as his lead-filled victims in the ocean has led to the loss of thousands of fish, crabs.
Meant Every Word
Clinton comments on his saying Obama running a fairy tale during presidential primary against Hillary. "I meant it as a good fairy tale like Cinderella, Rudolf the Red Nose aw shit, screw Obama!"
That Did It
Obama turns gray overnight after this week's defeats and hearing of Mother-In-Law interview with The Republican Enquirer when coming back from Ohio.
Peace From Obama
Obama brings peace between Toledo, Ohio neighbors Idi Ibrahim and Moshe Finestein, up for another Peace Prize.
What is the Welsh Assembly Government Good For?
Welsh Assembly Government
claims Bush is responsible for the poor state of the Welsh economy.
Latest advice from Dept. of Home Security
never speak with your tail 'on display for the world to see'
or dribble if you find yourself 'in that situation'
American cops warned
not to eat doughnuts with exploding jam
"Life is like a popsicle"
"Just make sure it's not yours"
She Had Such A Crush On Him
21 stone woman kills father of her children after sitting on him during a row, not during sex as previously reported.
Dyson invents world's smallest vacuum cleaner that is so tiny it can sit on a bookshelf. Called "invention of the century" by those with small penis.
That Should Teach Him
Husband of £43,000 boob job benefits cheat who faked death in Moscow to avoid jail, buried anyway.
Mother Confesses Fraud
The mother who sent healthy son to school in wheelchair in six-year scam for money, apparently caught after son in chair attacked by biting ants.
Al Qaeda and their affiliates taking an interest in artificial things like life-like baby/sleeping toddler dolls, limbs attached to persons genuinely missing limbs etc etc
Revenge by billboard: Scorned lover pays £150,000 for street posters, local TV commercials, internet, mass mailings to reveal affair with Obama aide
"1, 2, 3" .... 4?
Paltrow adds third "bricks and mortar" to their growing Magiera; growing concern that Paltrow is seeking world dominance
Pain Pill Accidents
Pain pill risk to drivers after experts link codeine, taken with a shot of whiskey, to fatal road accidents
"Hot" New Jobs
Nuke decommissioning jobs.
Burglary victims attacked in their own home once every 30 minutes, decide to move.
Mark On Hand & Forehead
Britons will be 'forced to hand over NI number, date of birth and signature to get voting rights', rights to purchase food.
"More balls than canned spaghetti meat balls"
"Ed Balls" - allegedly.
Just As A Lesson
Unmanned drones similar to those used in Afghanistan are set to be used in Britain to spy on drivers, campaigners, agricultural thieves and fly-tippers. "A few blown up will set a good example.
French Free Millionaire
Conman on the prowl: The Porsche-driving fraudster who stole more than £1m - but was freed by the French because their jails are full up with jaywalkers.
"Simply the Best" President since January 2009
Blames Society Again
'Something deeply wrong in society': David Cameron blames torture case on Broken Britain. "no, say opponent, something deeply wrong with two little monsters.
"Sponge Bob" on no-fly watch list
Jean Simmons "links to Al-Qaeda leaders"
"simply not true", that would be "Gene Simmons" - maybe, not sure, probably not so, definitely not so.
Bus-riding cat Casper killed in hit & run. Also a couple of human beings, I believe.
Ye Auld Hay Festival
Hay Festival in Cartagena for literature lovers also apparently for other types of lovers.
Experts: Sitting too much could be deadly. Thirteen deaths reported last year from lap dancing alone.
Astronauts Get Internet
Astronauts finally get Internet access in space. Make their own floating nude video. Look for release in fall.
Just Like 1930's
Silvio Berlusconi is moving to extend his grip on Italy's media to the freewheeling Internet world of Google and YouTube as offices torn down, workers led away.
Mars Lander Upset
NASA finally receives word from Phoenix Mars lander, but not printable. Apparently it's upset over being stuck.
Minnesota Politics A Circus
Black bear on Internet gives birth to cub in Minnesota. Could be their next elected official, following elections of wrestler and clown.
Everythings Coming Up Sunflowers!
A $10.5 million research project aimed at mapping the DNA sequence of sunflowers could one day yield a towering new variety for food, fuel & flat face smiling people.
W.H. Fights For Bernanke
White House fights for Bernanke support in Senate. Which means he may as well start packing.
The Obama Scramble
Obama scrambles to revive economic optimism. "First of all, the White House needs a makeover!" Everyone agrees with that.
Pope Urges Priests
Pope Benedict XVI has a new commandment for priests struggling to get their message across: "Go forth and blog. Also twitter whatever that may be."
Storm: Arizonans dry out, Californians head home and throw away old "Singing In The Rain" videos.
Democrats hope to recover from a lousy week by first of all, shaving their heads and beards.
We're The Supremes
Obama blasts Supreme Court campaign finance ruling. Judges say "Lump it! Place it up your wazzoo & dump it!"
Congressman Runs Against McCain
Former Arizona congressman plans run against McCain, Cites Senator's choice of Sarah Palin as VP running mate.
Time Flew By
Conan O'Brien ends run on 'Tonight' show after a full and satisfying 7 months.
Family Contradict One Another
Balloon boy mom's interviews contradict husband, balloon boy. Could be a TV Show here yet.
Jean Simmons Dies At 80
'Guys and Dolls' actress Jean Simmons, who sang with Marlon Brando, survives until 80 years old.
Stubborn Until Next Elections
Top Democrats: We will push ahead with health care, even if nobody wants it.
Biden Taking The Lead
United States Marines end role in Iraq; Joe Biden in Baghdad as he is expert in early withdrawals.
Obama blasts Supreme Court campaign finance ruling, Brown being elected Senator, Banks, Mother In Law.
Doubulation Revelation 2.0
Adam Lambert acknowledges he "might not be gay" while Rosie O'Donnell admits she "has a dick."
See upcoming "Whoa Dilly!" O'Reilly Factor Special Edition.
Secret Polansky Deal in the Works?
Judge Says Rapist Must Return for Sentencing." Polansky purchases round trip ticket for same day flights.
"Its in the bag"
What is the esiest way to Rebuild Haiti?
Let's see... Hillary Clinton "Nation Building Fund" + Halliburton/Brown & Root construction contracts + U.S. Federal Government Contracting & Purchasing, then just send the U.S. taxpayers the bill.
Burger King Changing with the Times
Adding beer to menu so "to go" customers can have a whopper of a buzz while operating as King of the road.
A New Study Suggests:
that a human being is capable of reaching speeds up to 40 MPH. Especially if that person is being pursued by someone touting health care reform.
Research shows Human COULD Run 40 MPH
Wait a minute. Already Conan O'Brien is running faster than that -- away from NBC.
Contents of First Live Tweet from Outer Space Revealed
It's a bird, It's a Plane. . .
. . . No. It's the first live tweet from outer space!
Spencer Pratt Says He's Not in Charge of Wife Heidi's Body
Right. That would be -- her plastic surgeon!
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke Tries to Hang Onto His Job
"But I'm Time Magazine's Person of the Year," he protests. "Good, then work for them," a non-admirer suggests.
Who Will Protect Earth from Killer Asteroids?
A NASA spokesman says, "We're from the government, and we're here to help . . . ."
Another Yogi Berra
George W. Bush says that he didn't follow VP Cheney's advice during his second term. "That shot in the face was like cold water in my face", stated the former president.
O'Bomba to Focus on Economy
Signs up at local college for Home Economics 101
Edwards Admits He's Baby's Father
John Edwards finally admits that the baby is his and says he's so ashamed that he cannot look at himself in the mirror. Still, he somehow senses that he needs a $300 haircut.
The Mexican Time Machine
Mexican scientists say they have discovered a time machine in Mexico. It's tequila. One minute you're having a drink, the next it's three days later and you're in a dumpster with no billfold.
Lindsay Lohan happy after signing long term contract doing those commercials for Cocoa Puffs!
Jsut Lies There
Friends of Michael Jackson say that Jackson still not doing well.
NASCAR Scandal as Dale Earnhardt Jr, Jeff Gordon and Danica Patrick all test positive for Speed.
Back To Normal After Study
Study: Temporary Twitter shutdown improves productivity 50%, decreases auto accidents 15%.
Could Have Been Worse
Aerosmith singer Steven Tyler says that all that saved him during his fall from the stage last year was his landing on his mouth.
Hillary Clinton Packs and then Unpacks for Trip to U.N.
Apparently thought headlines stating "Queen to Address U.N." were referencing herself.
Why You Should be Thrilled as O'Bomba Sinks the U.S.
'Cause the Republicans will be back in soon and "make it all better"
Senators Schocked to Find Out the Truth about Bernanke and the Federal Reserve
Most actually believed that Bernanke is "appointed" by elected representatives; the "Fed" is a government agency and the "Reserve" is a stash vintage bottles of Henry Weinhard's Private Reserve.
How's That Again?
Study shows that 1 in 40 Americans are at least 100 pounds overweight. 1 in 100 at least 40 pounds overweight. Study done by former Florida vote ballot counters.
Unlike The Real Thing
Restaurant owner says he can't get use to robot fish in his restaurant's huge aquarium. "All they do is swim back and forth."
House leader Nancy Pelosi loses eyebrow during the night, will shoot the first "Popeye" reference.
Get The Lead Out
News that women's handbags contain dangerous lead no surprise to husbands who get hit by the things.
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