Spoof news snippets from Friday 22 January 2010
Democrats Give Up on All Health Care Bill Activity
Insurance Companies plan Huge Party for GOP Senators.
Combative O'Bomba Pushes Welfare Creation Bill
Will allow new welfare applicants to simply use their cell phones to dial "B.O. 123 4 Instant Cash"
Bernanke Losing Support of Democrats
Bernake says his patience is growing short with all elected officials.
English Only Rule at connecticut Bookstore Sparks Controversy
Well, what should it be, Farsi?
Scientists Find that Humans Could Theorectically Run 40 MPH
What's with the "theoretically" stuff. Democrats all over the nation are running faster than that right now.
O'Bomba Vows to "Never Stop Fighting"
As Clint Eastwood once said "Make My Day"
Britain Raises Terror Level Threat to "Severe"
The Blair & Brown Investment Index is down 7 ticks. The Horror, the Terror.
Rescue Ships Near Same Ocean Spot
North Korea all set to launch first dissident into space (ocean).
The New Madonna
Madonna reinvents herself once again, this time as a middle-aged floosie.
Still Might Happen
Reid and Pelosi: Higher ethics, some dignity still possible!
I Take It All Barack!
Barack reiterates campaign promise that everything will be done 'out in the open' to fellow democrats behind closed doors in Washington.
California's Governor Schwarzenegger: "If I can't grope my way through our budget problems, nobody can."
Does A Little Dance!
President calls for all out war with Republicans after being denied his health care bill.
Weather for Washington Dc since Brown elected Senator: Blustery, with hot air from Senate hitting cold air from Obama, Reid, Pelosi.
New Haines Underwear jockey shorts wit "Da Bomb!" in front selling well as a novelty.
Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Turkey (s) in Turkey!
Not only good for noshing at Christmas and Thanksgiving, wild Turkeys in Turkey scared the shit out of Al Qaeda terrorists thinking the beasts were Satans messengers!
Bible inscriptions on US soldier rifles banned!
Bible inscriptions on US rifles have been banned, the reason: It's illegal to kill in the name of God, but okay in the name on Allah!
Best Pics Since JFK
Democrats in Massachusetts attempt to sabotage Brown by showing old pics of him in the nude backfires, as he pulls in 75% of women voting.
Uncle Conan McDuck
Conan O'Brien finally set to leave NBC. He stated that he will spend his first year off playing in his money.
Fish Just Don't Care
Fishermen throughout the United States say fish easier than ever to catch, especially on the Prozac River.
2010 Census: More people slamming doors in our faces, throwing rocks at cars than any time since depression.
Dat's Good Noose
"No former Chicago hood left behind" going fairly well for the President.
Not Every Boxer 25 And 3
Boxer who had a perfect 0 and 29 record finally has enough funds, retires to spend more time with his glass jaw.
Mistakes Will Happen
President Obama admits that economy not recovering as fast as he stated earlier. Blames shortage of red ink, chart put up upside down.
Kennedy Shut Down
Kennedy Airport totally shut down after everyone's luggage arrives safely and on time. "Something's up", states baggage handler.
The Buck Stops Here!!!
When Jeff Buck parked his car in front of a police speed camera (which is outside his house), he has, so far, received 2 speeding tickets for being stationary.
Richards Using Drugs
Keith Richards admits to using Performance Enhancing Drugs. "I have to. I've been dead for a year and a half."
Study reveals that today's impatient people who are always in a rush, headed straight into the ground.
Work In Detroit
President Obama argues that there is still plenty of work in Detroit. "Somebody needs to be tearing those old factory buildings down."
Mexico Makes Arrests
Mexican border guards arrest thousands of American seniors over purchasing drugs and smuggling them back into the US.
Carpenters give a big flat thumbs up for new Senator from Massachusetts.
We're Correcting It
Terminix Pest Control apologize to customers for running late, as computer ware apparently has a bug.
PETA Gains Strength
PETA announcement that they now have nuclear weapons should provide them with a bigger audience when they make demands.
No One Helping
Study: Care for painfully thin condition of today's models falling through the cracks.
What Goes Around....
President Obama's support for first term abortions coming back to haunt him.
Economy Good At Some Places
Economy showing much stronger signs of recovery as Salvation Army, Goodwill and pawn shops lead fourth quarter earnings.
Angry Obama Sulking
Obama angry with free enterprise banks, others that didn't support his health care program. Expect knock on your door.
Latest theory: Kennedy assassination joke by Lyndon Johnson that somehow went horribly wrong.
Great-grandmother cremated by the wrong family after mortuary blunder. "Well, they're both dead now", admits director.
Goldfish Killers Walk Out
Trial over deaths of three GOLDFISH collapses in laughter after police evidence blunder costs taxpayer thousands.
Still More Laws
Swimming pool users banned from showering naked 'in case children are offended' newest law from Labour. Also, eating sandwich in front of hungry dog.
Obama made fun of Bush claiming he didn't get on with other countries
"UK Bank Shares Tumble on Obama Crack Down"; "China returns fire against Obama's Information Imperialism". "France criticises White House"
33 New Laws Per Month
Labour is dreaming up 33 new crimes a month, including barring you from swimming into the Titanic, walking under ladders, stepping on cracks.
Poles Going Home?
Claims that half of Poles have returned home from Britain 'not true', says Polish immigration expert. "More like, 75%." according to the latest Pole.
Iraq Invasion Update
Hans Blix told Blair one month before invasion Iraq might not have WMDs, "unless enough nerve gas to wipe out all the Kurds in the north a WMD."
Copper pipes 'could cause Alzheimer's and heart disease in people over 50', especially when continually banging them over the head, chest area with them.
$10 Million Study
Did gorillas teach humans the basics of fair play on the sporting field? Did kangaroos actually teach us the "Bunny" hop? No one cares to hear study reports.
Obama Declares War
Markets fall after Barack Obama declares war on bank gamblers who were forced to issue bad loans to immigrants by the government.
Mother Runs To Ireland
Mother 'not clever enough to raise child' has baby snatched by social workers after running away to Ireland to give birth. "Run to Ireland proves our point", states worker.
Feds allege crime in death of wild jaguar in Arizona. "Driver lost complete control, hit a big cactus."
PML No Call Home
NASA: No word from Phoenix Mars lander. He never writes or calls. Not even a Christmas card.
Bank stocks down after Obama proposal for government to take over banks, stock market.
No More Under-The-Table Financing
Businesses, unions freed to spend big on elections. Look for non-stop TV commercials.
First Male Prostitute
Country's first legal gigolo starts work in Nevada. Customers mostly gay.
"John Still Misunderstands"
Cindy McCain, husband John in clown outfit, come out for gay marriages.
Neil Young: "Four Jobs In Ohio"
Obama taking latest jobs message to hard-hit Ohio. "Once dollar hits 15 cents, manufacturers will return."
Must Be Fair
Petraeus calls gunscope Biblical inscriptions "disturbing". "Need Buddhist, Koran messages to balance."
ATF Busts, Goofs
Undercover ATF agents have funneled more than 250 million cigarettes onto nation's streets in the past three years through black market sales targeting smugglers. Results: 60 arrested, 95 with cancer.
Alert Over Hijackings
Indian airports, casinos were on high alert Friday after intelligence services received information that al-Qaida-linked militants were plotting to hijack a plane
Lead Foot Recall
Stuck gas pedal causes 2nd major Toyota recall as it causes people to use too much gas.
China Blames Hillary
China: Clinton Internet speech harms ties with US. "She need keep big mouth shut."
Man Fined For Speeding In Parked Car
Don't do drugs in parked cars
400,000 Haitians Relocating; New YorK is First Choice
Mayor Bloomberg: "No Friggin' Way those Chumps are coming here!"
Sen. Harry Reid scolded the Mayor as to his
choice of words and reminded him that their dialect sounds more like that of Chimps.
Peter Gabriel Forgets Which Song to Sing In Haiti
Whips out "Shock the Monkey" instead of "Help for Haiti"
He is promptly helicoptered off the island for his own safety
"The O'Bomba Factor"
Coming to a 3 a.m. kids channel near you.
Danica Patrick's New Nascar Racer Gets Nix from Nascar Wives
"Its the paint job that's causing all the problems" said Patrick, "They put a spread eagle pic of me on the hood to cause as many wrecks as possible for those looking in their rear view mirrors."
GOP Says DoGooder O'Bomba Hindering Nation; Should Resign
O'Bomba Team Says: Make Buyout Offer
Radio Network Air America will be filing for Bankruptcy
Admits what it broadcasted was just a lot of hot air.
Another Obama Plan Not Working
Michelle Obama admits that President Obama's "No Mother-In-Law Left Behind" not off to a good start.
Kim Jung Il says that any talks between US and North Korea must include Donald Duck!
Whole Lot Alike
Study: Reality Shows prove the difference between "Junk TV" and "Piece of shit TV" not all that great.
Obama Shoots Foot Again
Obama starts year 2: Focus on economy by attacking banks. Banks may respond by laying off workers.
Man gets day in jail for throwing taco at manager. Threatens a burrito up his ass next.
UN abandons climate change deadline. "We'll wait until we see what the woolly worms and corn husks say", say experts.
Ties Tiger Woods
After John Edwards testing the waters with admission that he has a little girl by a mistress, now confesses to 15 more, being raised by Mormon family in Utah.
After Big Meeting
New Guinea Lizard Worshipper's church splits down the middle over opely-cannibalistic member.
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