Spoof news snippets from Thursday 21 January 2010
Lester Piggott to appear in Chilcot Inquiry
Evidence to be heard under Starters Orders and will examine the mystery death of a Saudi Security Minister whose horses dropped dead in Baghdad in 2003.
Obama Ups & Downs
The cable news networks are talking about how much Obama's approval ratings have dropped, but not his nose.
The FBI pissed over the Salahis that testified before the Homeland Security committee yesterday were fake.
Brown To The Rescue
"What can Brown do for you?" The new Senator from Massachusetts can help keep your grandkids in debt all their lives.
Kirstie Alley says that she is not obese but Rubenesque. Most agree that she looks like she's eaten too many reuben sandwiches, alright.
Some Are Hiring
Democrat majority in Washington take courage from several new jobs available until they hear it's at the unemployment office.
Conan Going Into Politics
Fired NBC Tonight Show host Conan O'Brien has announced that he will be entering politics. He has registered as a candidate for President of Finland.
Frenchman Shutsdown Airport
At JFK airport a rear body scan of a French passenger, Beldar Conehead, were deemed "out of compliance" by the TSA. Security checks are shut down until further notice.
But It Worked, 100%
FDA Approves second chewable contraceptive. First caused breath to smell too much like babyshit.
Japanese Aid To Haiti
Japan will be sending troops to help Haiti things settle after. "We want to help but prefer to use Surprise!"
Aeroplane in Near Miss Incident
Today an aeroplane missed hitting the White House by 30,000ft a spokesman said after the incident "Phew that was close".
Bush Response To Investigators
Former president George Bush says that not only has he lost all his briefs, all his boxers are dirty.
Punch & Judy
Public execution ordered by Judge Judy thrown out by the Supreme Court, who threw out flogging last year.
Study reports that tigers more popular than cats and dogs as a pet, especially those that play golf.
Man Awoken From Deep Sleep
A man from New York was awoken by the sound of an alarm clock this morning. Scientists on the scene said that he had been in a deep sleep for nearly seven hours.
Former president George W. Bush claims that Iran would never go nucklar under his watch, and he's right.
Iran Leader says Iran's nuclear program entirely peaceful. "Will even make our enemies more peaceful."
Wet Weather On The Way
The met office has said the next band of rain to sweep across the country will be wet.
Goldman Sachs Profits Soar on Lower Pay for Its Own
Unfortunately the "lower pay" is only for ticket totallisters, clerks and janitors. Executives get higher pay.
Officer Lurky Demoted
Israeli intelligence about no changes in Turkey found to be false. "All we knew was that Turkey was murky", says Chief Officer, Abe Lurky.
A Better Product
Lots of head scratching going on at Sergeant's Flea studies in Pittsburgh.
US Supreme Court declares Conservatives have 'Knee-Jerk" reactions as much as Liberals.
Era Extended Indefinitely
Study: New video sports games may extent the life of mankind's "Couch Potato Era"
Look Your Best
Orlando, Florida nudist colony arguing over openly gray male and female there.
Just Make Some $100,000 Bills
Obama mad at the Treasury because they are getting farther behind on printing money we US needs to spend.
Experts Say No!
Health Experts say that North Beach Diet can mess you up. "Filling up with sand,jellyfish remains can be dangerous."
Like, To Get Someone's Attention
The US Military say they are making 10 million drones for peaceful purposes only.
Likes Little Boys
Vatican trying to shut up priest who is going around confessing that he likes little boys and flogging himself.
Real Obama Appears
President Obama says that war with freedom-haters who call themselves freedom-fighters and the wind blew his speech notes away. "We all's agin their kind!"
Crook apologizes to victims in court room, saying that, truth be known, stealing their fine items was the highest form of flattery.
Has That 'Mark' on Her
Former president Bill Clinton has the ass at fellow democrats after overhearing a discussion about Chelsea being 'marked' by a bimbo at birth.
No Short Cuts
Jersey man who tries to skip higher education, hard work by pulling one big bank heist winds up cleaning up prison yard for a buck an hour.
New High Reached
After a recent spate of lows a high was reached today.
"Arbeit Macht Frei" is returned, Michelle Obama thought it was a kinky "TURN OFF"!
The Infamous Auschwitz sign has thankfully been returned. Obama, a fanatic Nazi relic collector had it hanging over his four poster bed but Michelle couldn't "get it on" anymore, Israel are relieved!
20MPH Zones Unnecessary
20mph zones are unnecessary and will only cut speeds by two miles an hour, say police. "The big speed bumps every ten feet do the job."
French Comapnies Being Forced
French companies forced to reserve 40% of bedroom posts for women! I'm sorry, that should have been, 'boardroom' posts.
90% of Britons who think they have a food allergy are actually healthy, say researchers...just as long as they avoid certain foods.
Who Gains To Lose?
Obese patients being made to eat MORE to get weight-loss surgery on the NHS. "Another 75 pounds and I'll be there", states one patient.
Labour to cut millions from budgets designed to tackle drink and drug-related violence as these people tend to get violent on Horlicks.
Barack Obama goes to war on the banks: President launches crackdown on excessive risk, but still demands that they loan money to those who cannot pay it back.
Tiger hides in Woods
A tiger is hiding in the woods after it escaped from a zoo in Germany. No its not the Tiger you thought.
Brown and Yemen
Direct Flights to Britain from Yemen are to be barred in a security crackdown but Gordon Brown meanwhile wants as many Yemen as possible as he tries to klingon to power.
Simon Cowell prefers X Box
Simon Cowell prefers the computer games consule X Box to the wii games consule which is the preference of little people.
Out Of Frying Pan
Haiti earthquake: U.S. army prepares Guantanamo Bay for waves of refugees.
Get Your Turds
Buy one, get one free... next week: Tesco launch new deal in bid to cut waste with big turd sale.
Tiger At Rehab Center
Photos purport to show Woods at rehab center, talking up secretary.
No Jackie Kennedy
Michelle Obama surprises White House tourists. Forgets pants.
Experts: Sitting too much could be deadly, especially if co-worker letting killer farts.
NY Times Charge Web Readers
New York Times to ask Web readers to pay up in '11. Most say they will switch to The Post.
Brown To Senate
Brown heads to Washington after upset Senate win. Asks for Kennedy's seat to be narrowed. "This is a bed!"
Gutter-minded New Jersey bowling manager charged after rival lanes burn.
China Starts Own
China: Google case not linked to ties with US. May start their own, "Barney Google" after purchasing cartoon copyright.
Dem Jobs Needed
Democrats see Mass. message: Jobs, jobs, jobs, after blowing recent election.
Radical Bank Changes Coming
AP source: Obama seeks bigger banking restrictions. No longer will pens be chained to tables.
One Of These Days
Pakistani army: No new offensive for 6-72 months. Should be ready by then.
McCain Drops A Hint
McCain says he hopes health care bill is dead and buried ten feet under and rotting. "On the other hand, we need something."
Old George Hatfield-McCoy all set to referee 'Family Feud' as host.
O'Brien Makes Choice
NBC: O'Brien reaches 'Tonight' exit deal. "Let's see, $100,000 to stay, $3 million to leave. I'm leaving."
So y is Gitmo still open?
Didn't President Obama order it closed?
Edwards says he's father of Rielle Hunter's child...to the last person on earth who hadn't heard.
Complete Change To Peaceful
Study: Terrorists can be turned away from violence, usually right after bomb goes off.
More Weather On The Way
Southern California braces for 4th day of rain, wind and weather! Well, actually 10 billionth day for weather.
Size of Brain Region Affects Video Game Performance. Playing too much will cause forehead to expand.
Key numbers as you complete your taxes. Owe $1,000, do not pay $10. Refund $10, do not write in $1,000.
Bible Citations Removed
NZ army to remove Bible citations from armaments. Sub message "Don't worry, Be happy, Shoot people".
A Little Salt
Salt reduction could save 92,000 U.S. lives a year, according to leaders attending next SALT Talks. Sailors should have even less if seas rough.
Dogs Show The Way
Experts: Sitting too much could be deadly. Right after you read this, get up and walk around your chair three times, like a dog.
Shouldn't President Get an "F" for
Dems Change Plans
Democrats begin discussing smaller health bill. Everyone will get coupons for dollars off on pills and doctor visits.
President Barack Obama blames Bush 'one more time'
record is wearing out
Obama gets voters' message: It's jobs, jobs, jobs, my new health care plan, jobs. Well, mostly gets it.
Football star Peter Crouch to promote mars bars
Football star Peter Crouch is to be the new face of the Mars Bar in a series of television advertisements meanwhile Dog The Bounty Hunter is being approached to promote Bounty Bars.
President Barack Obama has admitted that he had lost touch with the American people
because he was too absorbed watching ABC's "LOST".
"Harvard scientist creates 'intergalactic tube map of Milky Way'"
Totally true, sadly.
Prince William is 'down-under'
in secret mission to greet alien entourage that landed 'down under'
Gordon Brown Sent For Psychiatric Tests
a 'different' Gordon Brown. Sorry.
"Starbucks triples profits to $240m"
turns out that the latest batch of tourist extra-terrestials have developed a taste for Starbucks coffee.
"Lower unemployment figures" for the UK
turns out the UN compiled them based on 'global warming data'.
Gordon Brown's 'government'
Borrowed so much money last month that forests are complaining, "Enough Already".
O'Bomba Arrested for DUI ; Tossed Into Drunk Tank
First it was "Marcia Coakley", then "soul searching" then "soul food for dinner" followed by ten tankards of Shlitz Malt Liquor Bull to wash it all away.
It will all be over soon, Mr. President
New O'Bomba Jobs Stimulus Plan Puts Free Pizzas in Every Home
"A Pizza a day keeps the Depression away" is the new O'Bomba song as six million coupons for free Domino's Pizzas are "in the mail" to spur new jobs as pizza cooks at Dominoes Pizza Stores nationwide.
Where to Get the Ultimate Truth?
Its between the lines of the stories in the Spoof!
Soloution to Having a Mortgage in a Changing World
Nancy Pelois Takes Tip from Heidi Montag
Heading in for complete overhaul.
WH Party Crahsers Wrankle Congress as They are Allowed In Again With No I.D.
The Secret Service Agents in Charge of White House Security stated "We know them, they are regulars now."
Cable Released by Oakland Raiders
Finds new coaching job in Prison League.
White House Raises White Flag
Insurance and Banking Generals promise humane treatment of O'Bomba family during the former President's trial for "Crimes Against Banker Immunity"
O'Bomba Wants Greater Limits on Banks
Both elected houses say "so what?"
Pope Summons Irish Bishops Over Sex Abuse Reports
Says if the nonsense continues, he will order use of a male chastity belt & have daily "under the robe" inspections
US. Moves to Halt "Invasion of the Snakes"
Hmmm.. Must be about keeping lobbyists out of the White House.
Newstand Refuses Hustler
Larry Flynt threatens to publish nude pictures of himself.
Rush Limbaugh told his radio audience on Tuesday that the ACLU are without a Clu.
French Workers Slaving Away
Higher fuel and food prices causing French workers to work up to 30 hours per week.
Next Iron Man
Iron Man teams up with The Fist to temporarily take over the earth until attack from space defended in 'Iron Fist'!
It is now illegal in Kentucky as well as Tennessee and Mississippi to light a fart while driving or front seat passenger.
"For The Little Lady?"
Study finds that more men are shopping at Victoria's Secret for items they themselves use.
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