Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 19 January 2010
NATO to Send 2,500 More Troops to Haiti
Body count at 72,000, surely to rise with additional troops.
Susan Boyle Snubbed by UK Fans In "Most Desireable Woman" Vote
Edged out by Penelope Cruz, writers worldwide can't understand the disloyalty of virile UK Men and aspiring women.
Don Hewitt, who invented '60 Minutes,' and died at 86 had a memorial service today. "Ain't it always the way, the good die young", stated 93-year-old Mike Wallace.
When Oprah Leaves, Should Rosie O'Donnell Replace Her?
Surely not! Kirstie is barging in.
Bill Admits Blowing
Former President Clinton admits that he blew it for both Al Gore and Hillary.
Cafferty: Let All Haitians In as Refugees?
Sure, why not? We don't have enough on people on welfare yet.
Sam Sasquatch For Governor
Sasquatch being interviewed on Minnesota TV says that if he wins the governorship, he'll put his Big Foot down on spending!
Troubles at Every Turn in Ft. Hood Shooter's Training
Recruiting Muslims to serve as Field Grade Officers in a war against Muslims........ need we go any further?
Heidi Montag Tilts the 50/50 Barier
The blond bombshell has announced that with her last ten surgeries, she is now more than 50% plastic, rivaling artificial sex dummies.
Report: No connection found between Haiti curse and last three Presidents.
He Was A Kennedy
Massachusetts late Senator Ted Kennedy honored by the whole Senate today, even grudgingly by the hypocrites.
Iraqis say they have capture the 157th Saddam Hussein lookalike just south of Baghdad.
Backlash as Cruise Ship Takes Dump, Then Leaves Haiti
The Cruise Ship "Fecal Frivolity", was having excess pressure problems in the #2 dump lines. After stopping in Haiti for a fart 'N Dump session, it left in a hurry. Fumed, Haitians are protesting.
Lance Armstrong to do new candy bar commercials, "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't."
IRS to Expand Audits as Cash Runs Low
As IRS finds that no one has any cash.......the printing presses will suddenly spin much more freely.
What Is This Shit?
Soil samples sent back by Mars Rover said to show that Mars once had laxatives.
A Different Tale
Downtown office wiggle tail says she's sick and tired of having stories made up about her by office tattle tale.
Clintons Pissed At Obamas
Clintons upset with treatment by Obamas! "Without me, he never would have carried the Trailer Park, Truckstop vote", says Bill.
Americans Take Over Haiti
France accuses American troops of overtaking Haiti after earthquake. "That's prime real estate", says Nicolas Sarkozy.
"Just Their Organs"
DNA evidence condemns 90-year-old former organ grinder. Believed victims used to feed monkey collecting coins.
Still Not Funny
Historians say they have discovered the world's oldest joke about the world's oldest profession from 20,000BC and brought back in 1962 by Milton Berle.
Elizabeth Dole Tired
Elizabeth Dole says she would run for President if Bob would stay off the Viagra for awhile. "He can't balance himself on that one arm, so guess who does all the work?"
U.S. Troops Land at Haiti Presidential Pallace
Take less than 10 minutes to completely ransack the place for valuables that can be sold on eBay.
Poll: Most Americans used 2009 rebate checks on paying bank penalties after being overdrawn.
5500 Americans Missing in Haiti
Government stumped on how to spin al-Quaida as responsible. Big reward offered for best spin idea.
"Hello My Honey!"
Frog that sings "My Ragtime Gal" among 353 new Himalayan species discovered say members of the WWF.
Or Week From Today
After observing Martin Luther King's birthday by closing yesterday, several banks plan to be back open today.
Running Out Of Names
One hundred thousandth satire site "Dog Pecker Pink" sued by by original "Dogpecker Pink" and "Pup Pecker Pink".
Waiting & Watching
While watching and waiting on global warming, Radical Nudists meet quietly to plan their rule of the new earth.
They Fit Perfectly
Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum figure of President Obama sent Prince Charles ears by mistake. Returns them with "Right Size, Wrong Color" note.
US attack Haiti, they believe it's a war they can win at last!
Obama has US crack parachutists attack Haiti, they landed in the destroyed palace, captured voodoo priests in a trance and some headless chickens attempting to escape Obama said, we're on winner!
Watching Sports Bar TV, Eating Napkin
Study shows that trying to do otter dangs wheel watcheng telivesion distracks frum mustard an a leetle catsoup, pleez!
Supreme Court Test Case?
Party Animal Rights group may go to court against Mothers Against Drunk Driving.
Cars Too Small
Report: Air bags completely useless on new small cars, as they crush you like a bug against the back glass.
"Wonderful Life" Wins
It's a Wonderful Life voted top Christmas movie of all time! Edges out, "The Bad Santa".
Experts Changing Minds
Experts are now saying that it's not global warming we should fear but global humidity!
Another Bad Economic Sign
Poll: Teens use of drugs down 18% as more are turning to cheap liquor, airplane glue, paint thinner.
Global Warming Warning Cools Off!
Is global warming credibility falling pretty fast or is it me?
Al Sharpton Speaks Out On Obama
Calls Obama a dark skinned white boy who speaks like a honky when he needs to do so.
Armstrong On Moon
Re-enactment of first man on the moon will use the same stage as original was shot.
Later Invented Airplane
Re-Enactment of the Wright Brothers' first failed flight fails!
Saudis to help Haiti
The Saudi Arabian Government announced the departure of a 500 camel caravan to bring aid to the Haitian earthquake victims.
Debate of the Giants
Pat Robertson to debate Danny Glover tonight on CNN. Tune in 8 Eastern, 7 Central.
Can I Bring My Computer?
Sky TV producer who stalked former classmate and Googled her name 40,000 times by accident is jailed for only 16 weeks.
The Big Fake
Woman 'crippled with arthritis claimed £10,000 benefits while working as a sailing instructor', mountain climber guide.
Lottery Winner Celebrates
Widower who scooped £26m in Euromillions lottery win says late wife 'will have big grin on her face'. Talks to undertaker.
Records Sex With Child
Single mother had sex with boy, 12, almost 200 times in one month and marked each encounter with a star in her sordid diary.
Facebook Pic Leads To Investigation
'Smoking' baby Facebook picture sparks investigation into teenage mother. Worse case since 9-month-old grew beard and mustache say social workers.
Royal Caribbean, Disney Cruise ask $2M in bailout money to give at least $1M in Haiti aid.
Attorney: Client Made Honest Mistake
Attorney: Man in JFK breach just used 'wrong door', like last month's innocent person who mistakenly put on one black shoe and one brown in hurry to reach airport.
Susan Boyle snubbed, gets no British Award nomination. Snubs.
FDA debates tougher cancer warning on tanning beds. So far, "This Is Your Preview Coffin" signs ruled out.
Gates: US seeks stability between India, Pakistan, Israel, Syria, Iran, Columbia, Venezuela, Cuba, Russia, Ukraine, Greece, Turkey, etc. etc.
British Met Office's new hire
British woman predicts rain showers and storms "because she always get a migraine" and the severity or lack thereof of the upcoming storm corresponds with the intensity of the migraine
LA Set To Vote
LA council set to vote on marijuana ordinance after extensive two-day discussions in smoke-filled room.
Kraft Foods, Cadbury agree $19.5 billion deal. "This is a sweet deal for us", says Kraft spokesman.
Around Here Somewhere
Violence erupts again in central Nigeria as thousands of e-mail investors arrive to collect their money from non-existent bank.
Afghans tighten security in Kabul after attack. Close barn door after horse finally caught.
Predicted To Become Valedictorian
Obama to seek $1.35 billion more for education, going for his 'Masters' in 'Political Bullshit'!
Flock In Mass.
Voters flock to polls for Massachusetts election as flock's call non-voters 'chickenshit!'
Men Get Boost
Report: More men get economic, sexual boost from marriage that women.
It Was The Creek Or Me!
California man shoots his way out of sinking SUV, already receives movie offer.
FBI Collecting Records
Report: FBI illegally collected phone records, for the one-hundredth time.
Avatar Too Much For Watcher
Taiwan man dies after watching 'Avatar'. First movie casualty since the ending of "Psycho".
Least Known Bird
"World's least known bird" found breeding in Afghanistan. Up to now, experts say they have been too shy.
Gates / Clinton Plan draws Cheers from GOP
Hillary says to make Haiti the 51st state so Haitians can quickly relocate to the lower 48; Gates says he needs someplace for up to 20,000,000 detainees and Cuba is too small. A Perfect Match.
Paris Hilton adopts Pig
Promises no bacon for breakfast.
Why did Demi Skip the Globes
Wadn't gettin' no award, so why be there?
Nicholas Cage to Pay IRS $ 14,000,000.00
Jeez Nicholas, 'bout time for a Jewish accountant don't ya think?
U.S. Airlift Takes 200 Haitian Refugees to Miami
Within 24 hours, 62 of the refugees have been arrested for committing crimes and placed in INS holding detention facilities awaiting deportation back to Haiti.
Kirstie Alley Desperate: Her Endorsement Contract with Cadbury is in Doubt
As the 385 lb. Cadbury Chocolates Poster Girl, the potential takeover by Kraft could leave here without the lifetime supply of chocolates she depends on to keep her weight up.
Apple iSlate May be Unveiled on Jan. 27
"Big Whoop," says a bored Kindle.
Fierce California Storms Create Problems
Conan O'Brien really SHOULD learn to get better control of his temper.
Oldest Dinosaur Yet Discovered; Shaped More Like Brontosauras
The 66 Ton Behemoth has been named "OBombasaurus" due to its uncanny similarity in shape to Michele O'Bomba.
Nearly 400 Tons of Ground Beef Recalled
Once collected, the aged protein will be recycled and sent to Taco Bell Restaurants Nationwide.
Karzai's Proposed Appointees Rejected Again by Afghans
Nearly all are currently on the U.S. Federal Government's payroll. I wonder if that could be the problem..?
Cornel West Urges: "Don't Sanitize MLK"
He likes it better the "all natural way."
Back To Abnormal
Everything seems to be working well with TheStoof after weekend orangutan cheeks.
Also Pees Himself
Charleston, West Virginia cub scout leader that told scary stoties before bed time, debunked!
A new poll shows that most Americans, British are optimistic about "thinking good thoughts".
Americans On Pills!
Thirty-seven million Americans now on antidepressant pills, but does anybody give a rat's ass? No!
Parkay Margarine tub becomes hair lipped on conveyor belt but makes it to grocery.
O'Bomba's Second Try at Mid-East Peace Talks
Sending Jewish Hillary Clinton to Meet 'N Greet Party with Jewish Chief Benjamen Netanyahu will for sure produce results this time around.
Yep! As Lucy Says.. This time for sure!
California Like Most States, Sees Next Budget Crisis Looming
Further service reductions to "no services rendered" will leave 350,000 State employees with nothing to do except collect their paychecks!
What the U.S. Military Will Do in Haiti
Make plenty of babies.
Blair to Face Grilling Over Iraq War
Says he'll show up just as soon as he gets done reviewing Shell Oil quarterly profit reports.
Student Pulled from Haitian Rubble After Sexting
Rescue workers found an office still intact inside a collapsed building. The occupants had reverted to engaging in kinky sex acts to keep warm, and were sexting their experiences to Pat Robertson.
Bush Weapons Inspector Stung in Online Sex Case
Will now be required to surrender his weapon.
It's Her, Joe
Garbage men not surprised this time after finding Amy Winehouse sleeping in wheelie bin once again.
O'Bomba Sets Date for Next State of Union Address
To be held right after the Union dissolves......sometime next week.
New Hardy Boys Book
Eighty-One year-old Hardy Boys new book, "The Case Of Stolen Viagra Pills" out in March. Sorry, this one is PG, folks. (Pappy's Goober)
Is bathing just once a week healthy?
Hmmm, Must be a new White House "Green" Policy.
Haitians Everywhere United by Voodoo Faith
Finally, a religion that makes some logical sense.
TheSpoof officially apologizes to former President Bush about false WMD reports in Iraq before invasion, even though all 18 stories, including the 72 virgins, clearly stated that they were fake.
Iraq Situation Improving
General says that Iraqi people have better opinion of troops than when invasion happened. "Instead of 'Invading Devils' we're now 'Lying Sacks Of Shit'!
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