Spoof news snippets from Monday 18 January 2010
The US joins the England in banning all private organ transplants, other than temporarily during sex.
Cowboy's Center Thankful
Dallas Cowboy center say he's glad Romo, Simpson no longer together. "When he's upset, he tends to grab the wrong ball."
Changed To Hussein
Investigators say they have finally found what looks like Obama's original birth certificate in Hawaii which should prove he is US citizen, only his middle name is actually 'Hitler'.
Julia Roberts Upskirted at Golden Globes
Amongst the over 40 girl gang, Jennifer Aniston voted "best legs" sending Roberts into a skirt lifting frenzy.
Quake Focuses Attention on Haiti's Problems
7.0 quake decimates Haiti, looting up a scant 3% among population living on average $2 a day. However, media coverage following quake blamed for sharp 5,000% increase in reported lootings.
Precisely - all eyes on Massachusetts voters.
Shares in Ricky Gervais stock
in "climate change" zone - day-traders hope to make a killing as they yoo yoo.
Bin Laden wants to hire Ricky Gervais
likes his jokes, apparently.
"UK Recovery a Phantom for the Opera"
No chance said Retail boss - no, narda, null set - Gordon Brown's government has put the UK on a lemming course for Beachy Head and the 'White Cliffs of Dover'.
She Is Not Us
British government demand that Britney Spears quit calling herself, 'Brit'.
No Guv In Bedroom
Latest Poll: Huge majority doesn't want government in their bedroom, unless it's a female looker!
Blondes are not DUMB, but they do love a HARD bargain!
Scientists in the US have discovered Blondes are by no means DUMB and that they certainly drive a HARD bargain especially if the supplier is called DICK!!
"It's love actually"
"'Barmy ideas' of Brown's Regime" - actually, it was barmy to let him have the PM job from day one.
Keither Sutherland - 'shock and awe' post Global Globes
in a scripted scene filmed beating an effigy of Ricky Gervais into orange-pulp
Man Utd failures, Nani, Berbatov, Anderson on shock loan move to Scot 4th division slum outfit!
Fergie, sick of buying failures has sent three of his major rejects away to find out what "real Brit footy" is about. The slums of Glasgow are perfect for learning how to become a real slutty PRO!
Google "Investigates Ricky Gervais"
as prospective host for upcoming "Sophisticated Security Attack" seminar.
Man of 59 Offered IVF - controversy over age limit
Debunked: rumour that Gordon Brown has taken out a restraining order on an ex-girlfriend
Debunking website: "Despite our best efforts, we couldn't locate a single ex-girlfriend of Gordon Brown."
"That Looks Like The Ink Spots"
Psychiatrist in Littleton, Ohio puzzled by answers of clients to cards with Ink Spots until he learns that some joker had placed the former 1950's musical group in among them.
Read Your Palms?
Palm reader says that life lines on your hand being long doesn't mean a long life, should you have an extra long middle finger plus bad temper.
"Vogons Living Among Us"
Solid proof that there are Vogons masquerading as Logons found in a suitcase in a British Rail Found and Lost.
Czar Wars: Return Of The Taliban
Osama Bin Laden to Barack Hussein Obama: "I am your father!"
US Military lamenting the average size of latest volunteers as most will become a huge target, can only the three into big helicopter.
The Grand Poobah
KKK Grand Wizard apparently getting older as he's now attending meeting in adult diaper with a rubber sheet over his head.
The Man Who Tried to Kill the Pope Says We will all be dead by the year 2250
A man in the street responded thus: "Well, I should think most of us now living will be dead before 2100, so reaching 2250 would be fantastic - providing nudge nudge say no more!"
"Mohammed, Put On Funny Glasses"
CIA angry as Osama Bin Laden who's supposed to be hiding in cave sends latest message in 3D.
Californians who get IOU's for tax refund from state government last year sending IOU's to pay their taxes this year.
By Way Of Nevada
Clinton To Bush on way to help Haiti: "No George we are NOT flying over New Orleans, we're making a quick stop in Reno & then straight to Haiti!"
Don't Let "Him" On!
Report: Over 1,000 people on list to beware of, if they try to board a plane, are dead.
He's MY Dad!
George W. Bush and Bill Clinton who are supposed to be coordinating help for Haiti, already at each other's throat over which one Bush Senior loves the most.
Still There's A Chance....
Old wives tale said to be only an urban legend according to most psychics, mediums.
Now Why Did I Do That?
Two more Obama appointees say they are 'disappointed' at themselves for not paying taxes. Will pay all plus penalty when they leave office.
Will Start Building In Spring
Groundbreaking ceremony in Illinois yesterday for President Obama's Library/Museum/Worship Center.
Take A Look, Hon!
Number of obese American men who can't see their penis remains unchanged. Most say they go by touch.
Probably What Caused Jump In Auto Wrecks
Cases of Glaucoma up 1000% in New Jersey after medical use of marijuana legalized.
Blair No Poodle
New book claims that Tony Blair was not George Bush's Poodle! "Puddle would be more accurate", says author.
Are You There?
Better check it out, as over one billion names now on possible terrorist list.
O'Brien Not Interested
NBC network offers Conan O'Brien "Tomorrow Show" to appear at 2AM!
NKoreas First Astronaut!
North Korea sent it's first man into orbit yesterday when janitor didn't get off in time.
Billionaire Pinera wins Chile presidential election, cook off!
Ban butter to save thousands of lives, says heart surgeon. Bacon fat much better for us...I mean, you.
Brit Skiers Drunk
Quarter of British skiers still drunk from the night before when they hit the slopes. "They're the ones trying to ski uphill", says trainer.
Nobol Work For Small Wages
David Cameron says that teachers will have the 'noble' job! (Which means there'll be little money).
Different Blue Days
Feeling depressed? Welcome to Blue Monday - officially the most miserable day of the year. Although in the US, it's whatever day April 15th falls on.
Weird Al Version?
DJ condemned for playing Van Halen's Jump as woman leaps from bridge. Same DJ sued by homes of elderly for playing "Dump!" last year.
News Of The Strange
Police reveal Britain's top ten most wanted 'doorstep criminals' THAT ALL HAVE THE FIRST NAME, MATT! Believe it or not!
Global Warming Dying
UN report that said Himalayan glaciers would melt within 25 years entirely false. Reporters now say they left out zeroes. It should be 25000 years.
Vomit Bug Investation
Winter vomiting bug hits 500,000 a week as swamped NHS cancels operations and shuts wards. Bugs are yellow with black dots. Will vomit if touched.
Immigrant Pleads Guilty
Illegal immigrant who worked for Attorney General pleads guilty to having fake British visa, accent.
Just Before Crash
Elderly drivers should be banned from motorways, says road safety charity over cellphone while driving over limit.
Frustrated air passenger arrested under Terrorism Act after Twitter joke about bombing airport. Now they're here for me.
Please Quit Al That Screaming
Quiet please! Noise irks Japan's commuters the most as both muggers and victims shushed!
McGwire Cheered By Fans
McGwire cheered by fans, evades steroid questions. Admits balls the size of marbles.
Romo Does It Again
Favre, Viking defense, Cowboys quarterback, Romo, rough up Cowboys 34-3.
Late Night Goings On!
Leno gets support from staff. Letterman supports helpers with staff!
Pork Barrel Project Completed
Scientists turn stem cells into pork. Horny Louisiana rednecks excited.
Story of Newton's encounter with apple goes online. One with 'banana in pocket or glad to see me', pulled.
Listening For Any Sound
NASA listens for silent Mars lander presumed to be frozen to death. Last message: "Colder than a robot doll's tit".
It's A Tradition
Japan Airlines bankruptcy filing expected Tuesday with suicide of those in charge.
Hope It's Settled
Union sets new strike vote against British Airways. Pilots threaten to walk out in mid air.
Least They Got Tanker Back
EU claim victory as Somali pirates release emptied oil supertanker.
Cohron: State DUI laws too lax. "And it's high time someone gave a shit."
Apples Still Sprayed, Eaten
Chemicals coat apples decades after Alar scare. Breakthrough as lower grade pesticides take people longer to get cancer.
Drug Abuse Widespread
Drug abuse in US prisons is tough to stamp out as guards smuggle them in. "We HAVE to have guards", say wardens.
Marines Exit Iraq
Marines exit Iraq in first wave of US forces out of Iraq and into Afghanistan while eyes on Yemen.
Pope John Paul II gunman, George Ringo III, released from prison.
Haiti's voodoo priests object to mass burials. "Don't bring a curse on our country."
Why the U.S. Economy Might Not Ever Recover
Spoof Writers are Haulin' In Bigger Bonuses than Banker Boys, leaving nothing for the rest of society; hence the battle cry of the minions, "Noose the Spoof"
Michele O'Bomba Turns 66, accepts Role in Dracula Parady Film
The WH Party Gal will star as "Count Buttula" in the Mike Meyers spoof.
Man Accidently Open Wrong Door at Airport, Faces up to Seven Year in Prison
Chillsy Clinton, accidentally opened the same door and was given a surprise party on a spontaneous basis by Airport Security.
How Long Will Social Security Last?
Right up until you are eligible to collect, of course.
Belgian Doctors Give Woman New Windpipe
American Doctors counter by giving Rush Limbaugh a New Tailpipe.
Both are expected to holler louder than ever.
Highpoint of Michelle Obama's Birthday Party
Since the donkey is the symbol of the Democratic Party, a rousing after-dinner game of "Pin the Tail on the Donkey" electrified the guests.
Johnson & Johnson Recalls Tylenol
Oy! Talk about a headache. . . . .
Winter of 2009/2010 - Warmest on Record
British Met Office: "We found a spot inches away from an aircraft engine testing rig where temperatures were in the 500 to 600 degree C range".
Don't Bug Me
Civil rights, animal rights and environmentalist groups have joined forces to protect far left wing Democrats from being sprayed with truth serum!
California used to be the nation's source of fruits and nuts. However it is now Washington DC, as they have all joined the Obama administration!
Did you ever notice that environmentalists always whine "it's not good enough" even when they succeed?
Some airline passengers are willing to give up their privacy when going through invasive airport scanners! They argue, isn't it a real loss of civil liberties to be blown up by a terrorist?
Gilroy Garlic Festival a Success
Last year's Gilroy CA Garlic Festival was a huge success. However, the competing San Francisco CA Onion Festival gave all the attendees gas!
The Three Lefties to Replace Conan O'Brian
There's Obama the straight man, Pelosi on drums and Reid the announcer. Unfortunately the Tonight Show telecast is not to be seen by the public, as it will be recorded behind closed doors.
Male Prostitution Not Working
Las Vegas first male prostitutes doing little business. "Can't compete with every man in Vegas", says employee.
Barney Madoff claims that being sentenced to 100 years in prison without the chance of a book dead is cruel and unusual punishment.
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