Spoof news snippets from Friday 15 January 2010
Putin Offers U.S. Security Agencies Assistance from KGB
Putin stated that the first thing the U.S. could help with is the elimination the thousands of double agents he personally knows currently on the CIA and FBI payrolls.
Senator Bill Nelson (D) Suggest Moving Haitians to U.S.
Says empty Detroit is the perfect place to establish "Little Haiti" just like Miami has become "Little Cuba".
Limbaugh Seen Choking his Chicken with that Propsoal
O'Bomba Suggests Witholding Billions in Aid to Israel Until Israel Stops Building in Palestinian Territory
Hillary Clinton Suggested in response that O'Bomba's Paycheck be Withheld Until He Stops Trying to Reach an Actual Peace Settlement.
Experts Question U.S. Terror Alert System
What's wrong with "Double Red Alert" and the "Bat Phone in the Bat Cave?
Glen Beck to Run with Jeb Bush as GOP Candidates for 2012
The plan is to provide all supporters with endless free bottles of Beck's Beer and dollar 24 can cases of Anheuser Bush Brewery products.
Top that O'Bomba!
Ambassador Bill Clinton Addresses Nation on Arrival in Haiti!
....hey, bubba...anyone left here who could get me some coffee....?
J.P. Morgan Investment Bankers See $9.3 Billion Dollar Payday
Their plan is to "buy out" the U.S. Government, so there will be no more complaining about absurd bonuses.
Consumers are Squeezed as Inflation Outpaces Wage Growth
Noting the reality, U.S. Senate and Congress vote to forgo Health Insurance for the masses altogether, as no one can afford it!
Everyone On Record, At Least
Experts are still trying to explain how the "World's Oldest Person" is still alive. Theorize that the second oldest has something to do with it.
A plane with 109 people aboard has landed safely in a swamp in Louisiana with only minor injuries to their rear ends by rescuers.
Had It's Ups & Downs
The makers of Viagra say that their pills have been a complete success with only minor deaths.
Latest Weather In Your Area.
Beatty After Wilt's Record
New Book Claims Warren Beatty Bedded 12,775 Women! But purists say if he breaks Wilt Chamberlain's record, there must be an asterisk because of Viagra.
New Smart Bra expands when body temperature rises. Dolly's explosion in Pigeon Forge shook houses in Knoxville.
Fed vs. States: Who Should Run the Health Insurance Market?
and the winner is...........the Insurance Companies, Of Course!
China not quite ready for a "Mr Gay" contest!
China have incarcerated the organisor of "Mr Gay China" his punishnment is 6 years in a womens prison. he begged for the DEATH PENALTY!
'Top of the Class'
Big American Unions to be recognized as a 'special class' so that they can skirt around "equal protection under the law" doctrine to avoid paying taxes on their 'Cadillac health plans'.
Madona Pledges to Adopt 25 Haitian Babies
Angelina ups the ante with similar pledge to adopt 50 babies.
Police Force "Mr. Gay China" Pageant to Close
Somehow that concept doesn't sound particularly appetizing to me either.
Shhhhh! Senate Perks Growing Like Wildfire
Besides private "getaway" offices in the Capital, Senators are now entitled to unlimited Dominoes Pizzas at taxpayer expense. Now that really crosses the line!
CIA Updates Bin Laden Photo; Removes Beard, Changes Hair
Reveals an exact match to Rahm Emanuel. Pentagon now Investigating.
Looters and Thugs Roam Streets of Haiti
U.S. Military to detain and relocate the suspects to Los Angeles
France Moves Closer to Banning Muslim Veil
The CIA is Opposing the Measure, as it claims millions of its Spies will have their cover blown.
Haiti: Where Will All The Money Go?
"Consultants" from the U.S. are on the way to "ensure" the money is used properly!
Surely Not Bigamy?
Israeli Fritzl' with harem of up to 30 wives and 60 children arrested on suspicion of incest, sexual abuse, possible bigamy.
TV Viewing Down
Worst year ever for Christmas television, rest of the year: Official figures spell the end of traditional family viewing. "May as well show reruns", says BBC spokesperson.
"Look, A Copper!"
Top policeman complains he cannot do his own shopping because 'it's too dangerous'. 'They can always tell who I am by me flat feet.'
Obama Criticizes Successful Banks
JP Morgan defies Obama to pay out billions in bonuses after recording bumper $11.7bn profits. "How about your bonuses for Freddie Mac, Gennie Mae CEO's? still losing money, Mr. President?"
Soak Up The Warmth
Enjoy the 'warmth' while it lasts: UK to hit 10c this weekend but big freeze from global warming could last until April.
Got His Wings
Prince William awarded his wings after graduating from RAF course. Hears a bell ring!
Still A Spitfire
Betrayal of a Spitfire hero: NHS withdraws care home funding for war veteran struck down by dementia. Catch fire after he spits on them.
Britain's Smallest Policewoman
Little Miss Laptop: Britain's smallest policewoman stands at just 4ft 10in. Says she's tired of fellow officers introducing her as "the little lady".
Cameron To Asses
Mr Cameron announced the establishment of a centre to asses and respond to cyber attacks on the internet. Sorry, that should be 'assess'.
Bin Laden Teaching Elsewhere?
Revealed: Extremist Islamic preacher lectures at London School of Economics and how to survive living in a cave.
JP On The Ball
JP Morgan reports $3.3bn profits as politicians in Washington begin to drool, pass the new JP Morgan tax.
Prostitute fined $820,000 for unpaid tax. "This time it's me in the hole", she tells the press.
Montenegro's only hippopotamus escaped from the mountainous Adriatic nation's zoo during floods this week, officials said Wednesday. "If he's looking for a mate, he's shit out of luck."
Federer: Woods will be back and at his breast.....best soon.
O'Donnell Taking Over?
O'Donnell: Time for Leno to step aside. Let O'Brien take his place. The wife and I will take O'Brien spot.
Data: US obesity rate high, but not rising, but expanding, as fatsos keep same height.
What Must They Think
China's population of Web users hits 384 million. Their favorite site for view of America, Britain? TheSpoof! Hi There! "Ni hao"
Female Teen Violence
Study: 1 in 4 female teens involved in violence. Mostly on the receiving end.
Bare Escentuals Sold
Showdildo to buy Bare Escentuals for $1.7 billion. I'm sorry, that should be "Shiseido".
US Advises Ukraine
Ukraine political candidates relying on US advisers, throwing mud, spending money like crazy.
Good Sense Until Now
Reid On Health Care Plan: "We are on the doorstep of accomplishing something that Washington has been talking about since Teddy Roosevelt was president and tried to stop it."
Survivors of Hudson jet landing gather year later to give thanks, throw rocks at birds.
Controversy hits as pope's visiting Rome synagogue while eating pork chop!
Shooter's Bosses At Fault
Officials: Pentagon report faults Hasan's bosses, Robert Gates, President Obama.
Many schools have cut costs while keeping nutrition up and burgers & fries, hot dogs daily with vitamin/mineral pills.
Only Take A Break For Nightly Obama Speech
NBC plans 835 hours of Winter Olympic coverage, month more on reruns of them.
Czar She Blows
Sex therapist pushes love 'stimulus plan' for US capital as Obama names Dr. Ruth, Sex Czar!
Hypoctites Given More Benefits
WASHINGTON - Shhhhhhh. The perks of Senate membership just got sweeter as they condemned others for having too much.
Tax On Biggies
Obama To Push Tax On Being 'Too Big To Fail' Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey, Ron Jeremy flee to island in Pacific.
Campaign Retoric, No Change
PROMISES, PROMISES: Many Obama pledges unkept. As President follows those before him.
"No Tip Next Time!"
KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia: A $500 tip leads officials to gang with millions in counterfeit money.
NYPD Orders Drones for New Fleet of Enforcement Vehicles
Police Chief says when people act like militants, they should be assassinated immediately like the U.S. military does around the globe.
Netanyahu Obtains Dual U.S. / Israeli Citizenship
Says he will serve as Special Adviser to the President when Clinton wins in 2012.
Governors says Hillary already is the real President and Netnayahu already is the Special Adviser.
O'Bomba Strikes Gold in Haitian Disaster
Declares Haiti the 51st State, puts all 9,000,000 on welfare dole upon registering as Democrats. Rush Limbaugh Reported Fuming.
Lady Gaga is Sick Sick
Fans hope she gets well well.
Americans Sick of Late-Night TV Wars
Have decided to boycott late-night TV and make love, not war.
A British news organ reports: "Gwyneth Paltrow says her brain 'drives her mental'"
Meanwhile in other news, Gordon Brown's brain drives everyone else mental.
AP Says O'Bomba Campaing Promises Not Kept
Really? I wonder how they came to that conclusion?
Morning Glory Said To Be Incurable
Scientists have today said they cannot find a cure for morning glory. This has said to be a let down for many men world wide although chemotherapy is said to reduce it.
Where does all that Wall St. Money Come From?
Hint: Someone at Goldman Sachs hits a key on a keyboard and "it happens".
O'Bomba Vindicates Robertson; Hires Marie LaVeau as Special Consultant
Also insists on the White House being re-named "The House of Darkness"
What's a College Degree Worth Today?
Depends on how much heat it produces when burned.
Dick Cheney Says Rush Limbaugh Viable as GOP Presidential Candidate
You can smell the insanity from any point on the globe.
Bio-Med Devices Found; Reveal Size of McGwire's Lies
Instead of syringes, full I.V. bags and size 9 catheters with traces of of steroids were found in the locker used by the Home Run Champ. No wonder he used a sawed off telephone pole for a bat.
Doomsday Clock Turned Back One Minute by O'Bomba
Flashing his Peace Prize, the clock turned back one minute all by itself.
Later that same day, Hillary Clinton and Bob Gates walked by and the clock suddenly moved up five minutes.
Five Hundred Dollar Tip Leads Investigators to $ 666 Million in Bogus Bills
The bogus currency was found in Timothy Geithner's 73rd Home in Malaysia. The paper dollars are considered bogus as the U.S. Constitution calls for Only gold and silver to be used as currency.
Health Problem in America?
Your best bang for the buck may be to see a Haitian Voodoo Mistress of the Dark. Equaling to results achieved by many U.S. Hospitals, these ladies will rock your soul according to Pat Robertson.
Four Big Dangers for American Economy
(1) No capability to produce anything the world will pay for; (2)Ignorance of the populace; (3)all capital goes to wars and welfare; (4)50% of working adults on government dole.
Fix That O'Bomba!
Madonna's Earing Fteches $ 36,000
Clit rings fetches $3.6 Mil
Go figure, the latter show excessive wear.
Rosie O'Donnell Says Leno should "Move over Rover and Let Rosie Take Over"
After making the comment, Rosie returned to promoting her HBO documentary, "A Big Fat Ugly Lesbian is a Big Fat Ugly Lesbian."
HBO is reporting the monologue may go to video prior to its release.
Citing "Obscene Bonuses", O'Bomba Throws in Towell
Says "If I can't Beat Them, I'm Joining them....prompting his enrollment in Fraudulent Banking Techniques 101.
Benny Hill to Replace Michael Chertoff at Trasnportation Security Administration
The Sex Giggler has been resurrected and is hoped to provide a little levity with in-air reruns of his most popular episodes. With a "remain in your seats at all times" rule in effect, all must watch.
U.S. Politicians "Cadillac Health Plan in the Works"
A Cadillac styled Health Plan for them, and a Used Edsel for the Taxpayers.
What's New, Pussycat?
Colin Powell: Haiti Needs a Long Term Big Dollar Committment
and he's stepping up to make exactly that happen with a "dollar a week" paycheck deduction to UNICEF HAITI RELIEF FUND.
Go Gettem' Colin!
Michele O'Bomba's New Do' a Hit with Mythologists
Saying it makes her look like an African version of the Medusa, she brings something different to bed each night.
Elected Officials Finalize Health Bill "Insurance Policy Tax"
The tax will apply to the value of your insurance policy if not used. If used, the tax escalates to the amount paid by the insurance company for services provided.
Agasi was "Critical of Me in His Book" Says Pete Sampras
Now I want to talk to him to find out if he was high on crack when he wrote it, or just bitching 'cause I whooped his ass so much.
Geithner Says He Was "Not Involved" in With AIG Disclosures
...only the billion dollar payments, of which he received a big piece of on every one.
Lindsay Lohan as Tiger Tigress Number 99?
the London Daily Mirror is reporting that there just may be a Tigerliscious 47 second clip of the tabloid mighty might coming to a web sex site near you. Tiger was unavailable for comment.
U.S. Takes Charge in Haiti with Battleships, Gunships and Troops
U.S.S. Pat Robertson will provide spiritual guidance to the ordnance so only the Devil is fired upon, not Haitian people.
Limbaugh: O'Bomba Staged the Earthquake in Haiti
So he could "come to the rescue" and look like a good guy, when actually he is a "very black guy".
White House Garden
Presidential Press Secretary Gibbs announced that the next state dinner held at the White House will feature a fruit salad made with bananas from the garden!
Cooking With the Food Police
A famous chef prepared his 5 Star award winning recipe using no red meat, milk, salt, sugar, saturated fat or trans-fat. A group of distinguished international food tasters rated the dish "CRAPPO!"
Jo Finished Second
It was discovered today that "Jo Rainbow Bennet was runner up to President Obama for the Nobel Peace Price as Jo has been flashing the peace sign everyday since his brain disappeared in late 1966.
We Was Robbed
Audience complains for refund after first "Freddy Krueger" 3D movie turns out to be normal glasses, popcorn salesman dressed as Freddy in the crowd.
Up A Quarter
Two-bit whores in town near Reno say their earnings were up a full quarter in the last three months of 2009.
New Mexico Discovery
Discovery of huge skull and smaller body in New Mexico shows that man was once a whole lot smarter.
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