Spoof news snippets from Thursday 14 January 2010
The Pope Claims That the Cold Spell Is Work of Devil
Speaking from the Vatican today, the Pope blames the devil for the European cold snap. He says that people will be queueing up to spend eternity in the relatively warm atmosphere of hell.
Cold Doesn't Disprove Warming?
Experts: Cold snap doesn't disprove Global Warming. Could simply be Hillary getting into more countries as Secretary of State.
Mind Reading Taught Here, But You Knew That
More and more people are applying for quick-learning mind-reading practice for jobs at airport security, although first graduates headed for Las Vegas.
More Fries Sold In December
New Mafia controlled Micky D's say 'You Will have fries with that', even if it's a cone of ice cream.
Simpsons celebrate 20 years, The Spoof 200 (hours) if you're mad enough!
Congrats to The Simpsons, 20 years, but nothing compared to The Spoof's 200 (hours) if you're senile enough to enjoy the brilliance here. Homer please leave the bar, the Spoofers have arrived!
"Are You Over 65?"
Hospitals in US quit buying wrist bracelets and begin purchasing toe tags as new healthcare plan gets closer.
Beer Conference All A-Buzz
US military drones being caught in big nets, reprogrammed with Obama White House coordinates.
If You Want Us To Fail, True
High unemployment, home loses, bankrupted America all good signs according to Obama spinners.
Offered $10 M In Oil Money, Penthouse Cave
Conan O'Brien may leave NBC to become press agent for Osama Bin Laden.
Pimps purchasing sex robots from Japan to take to Star Trek/Star Wars conventions.
Study: Rapid morphine treatment may prevent morphine withdrawal problems.
Google attempt to buy China!
Google want to buy China, well 55% of it. Sick of the Chinese government spying on their clients Google have put in an audacious bid, Pandas too!
Officials Say Deal Recahed on Health Bill Tax
All those with good health will be taxed until they have none.
TSA, With 2,000 Executives Pulling $ 175K Or More.......
Can't explain why they can't find guns on passengers at airports or why an 8 year old cub scout is on the "Terror Watch List".
The New World Order at Work.
O'Bomba Tells Banks: We Want Our Money Back
Banks Tell O'Bama: It was never "Your Money" and is isn't now as well. You only borrow it at interest!
How's That Again?
Britney Spears may play member of the Bush family in upcoming movie.
"Milk For Free"
New study shows that prostitution profits in Las Vegas down as number of students at UNLV campus doubles.
Don't Blame Cows
Cows protest that they wouldn't release so much methane if you'd quit artificially fertilizing grass, according to Gary Larson.
They'rs Both Experts
Group of politicians visiting zoo become involved in poo flinging war with monkeys.
UFO File Released
The British government has released the latest UFO file. It is much larger than the ones we use. Probably means they have long fingernails, say experts.
Pulled Out In Front Of Me
Small Indian car that costs $1,000 and gets 75 miles per gallon, ran over by Amish buggy.
Paris Hilton says that the rumor that she married bodyguard Charles France after getting plastered, "Untrue".
Curb Drinking Down
French hope to curb drinking accidents by creating law where other drinkers can be fined if they don't go outside and get him back into bar.
"We're Legal Hon!"
Same family marriages legalized in Arkansas. Most agree that they already were.
Peace Plan For Peace Prize Next Year
President Obama offers middle east peace plan that would give the state of Wyoming to Israel. Cheney upset.
'Don't put the duck there. It's totally irresponsible.''Someone's put a dress on penis boy'. Sleep-talking husband's hilarious lines become internet sensation
British Government apologizes for thalidomide scandal. "I guess we did go a bit wrong there", says health minister.
Kept At It
Male therapist at top health spa 'sexually molested' four women during massages, one fifteen times.
"I Kissed A Girl" Katy Perry Reveals All
On her website - "Yes, it's true, I'm not having a baby - I'm having quads!"
of Doomsday Clock will be moved today - it's going to the Vatican.
Dementia disgrace: Ministers break promise on making Alzheimer's a national priority. "It completely slipped our minds", says official.
"Think I Should Have Turned There."
Snow blindness: Just how did this pensioner see out of her windscreen while totally covered with snow? "Women's intuition!"
Weatherman Over The Limit?
Britain hit by snowfalls every day for last four weeks, me thinks, but forecast thaw brings 'flash floods, stuck in muds, use some suds, hydroplaning buds' warning.
New Cause Of Discrimination
Crass has replaced race as the main cause of discrimination in Britain, claims Labor. Excuse me, that should have been, 'Class'.
Weather Prediction from the Met Office:
"Early morning mist" wherein 'all around' seems impenetrable. Expect some 'curve balls' and intense close up observation on government agencies by a non-government power.
Squatters Move A Ways
The Romanians squatters have left No 76 and moved to a house just up the street. "Wherever they squat, they leave a mess", says official.
Passenger Disrupts Flight
Passenger charged in Denver with disrupting crew as he insisted on dancing after fifth drink.
United Joins Others In Fee Charges
United Airlines matches baggage fee increases. Tells Delta, Continental "We'll see your raise & raise you another five bucks."
"Chin Like A Extra Ass Cheek"
Are Leno, O'Brien going at it? Possibly, say fans, as all their jokes last night were about each other.
Obese Leveling Off
Data: US obesity rate high, but not rising as customers have to stay within width of doors to groceries, restaurants.
Left A Trail
Houston: Space station in no danger of piss from unknown object that 'whizzed' by yesterday.
Drinking Piss Goes To Brain
International Space Station crew perform spacewalk, Swan Lake type dance.
Doesn't Add Up
Record year for foreclosures as unemployment rises despite Democrats claiming two million jobs added, saved.
Obama Seeking Taxes
AP source: Obama seeking tax on biggest banks, businesses and everyone and everything that moves.
Year after Hudson River jet landing, fear remains for birds in the area. Also, spiders worry about no-fly zone.
Violence In Iran
Dueling protests erupt ten paces from late Iran professor's funeral.
Quicker That Way
Iraq sentences 11 to death for government bombings. Instead of hanging, they will be used to clear roadside bombs before vehicles.
Woo Is Us
Obama to woo House Democrats on health care deal at three day beer conference.
Study: 1 in 4 female teens involved in violence. Usually about every 30 days.
Gun Safely Aboard
Officials say security screeners at a Bozeman-area airport failed to spot a gun in a passenger's luggage last month, but man turns himself in. "My other 'Gun' may have blocked it."
New Cash Album
Johnny Cash releasing another posthumous album, "Knocking On Heaven's Door".
Republicans Like Thune
Daschle-dashing Thune in 2012 mix for Republicans as South Dakota's large number of electoral votes could sway 2012 election.
Barack Obama Suspended After Having Sex with Osama Bin Laden
Parents warned against use of cheap kids' jewelry. "You look really silly wearing those things."
Pendergrass Dead At 59
R&B singer Pendergrass dead in Pa. at 59. So "If You Don't Know Me By Now, you will never never know me."
Long Arm of the Law Just Got Shorter
Tiverton and Devon police have just signed on Britain's shortest policeman who is just 5 foot tall. However, his arms DO reach the floor and he also has access to a couple of house bricks.
Rumor of Trees on Mars
First Dog Bo Obama is thrilled and plans a watering expedition to Mars. "Bummer," Bo barks, when the tree rumor proves to be false.
Man jailed for tree murder.
A local New York man who murdered a tree as part of a revenge plot for a paper cut has been jailed today for 67 years after he was found guilty of 1st degree murder of tree Mark Branch.
NBC's New Programming
NBC is to bring back the "Howdy Doody Show" starting at 10:00 PM. After the local news "The Tonight Show" starting at 11:30 PM will be hosted by Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien jointly.
Health Care Bill Unconstitutional
US Supreme Court declares Health Care Bill mandating everyone buy health insurance unconstitutional. The ruling comes after the voters unseated House Speaker Pelosi & Senate Majority Leader Reid!
Donald Duck has apologized to Daffy Duck for his remarks about Daffy's feather color and strange dialect quack!
Political Scientists have found the cause of the reelection of President George W Bush in 2004. It was Senator John Kerry!
PETA has removed an unauthorized picture of Michele Obama from their advertisements. An anonymous government source said "President Obama threatened to send in a SEAL team."
Bird Strikes Eliminated
The FAA has issued a new regulation mandating birds not to fly between 5:00 AM and 9:00PM. This rule should eliminate the frequency of bird strikes.
Massachusetts voters may just elect the state's first Republican Senator in 40 years. To which Senator John Kerry said "what's a Republican?"
Four Billion Plant March Planned
Four billion green plants are coming to Washington DC to surround the EPA. March organizers and participants are very upset about the EPA declaring Carbon Dioxide a harmful gas.
Only in America.....Does Complete Stupidity Rule
College students were asked why our economy is based on money lending or "usury"
Most had queer looks before concluding that the "Fed borrows money from the King of England and they loan it to us"
Low Tolerance For Idiots
Mime setting up for the first time on the Streets of Laredo found shot 247 times.
Vat We Doo?
Big sneeze during glue sniffing in closet leaves two Jersey brothers practically Siamese twins.
One Worry Lifted
School children in the United States to forgo most shots as most are receiving enough antibiotics in meat and drinking water.
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