Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 13 January 2010
Israel officially apologizes over turkey sub. I'm sorry, that should be, Israel apologizes over Turkey snub.
U.S. Provides Massive Military Response to Haiti Earthqake
All survivors will be transported to GITMO for their own safety.
Burger King, Not Just Banks, Pass Out Bonuses Too
One high volume restaurant gave a total of five bonuses to particularly hard working burger flippers. The bonuses ranged from $20 to $5, all in Burger King Coupons.
Free ketchup & mustard, too.
Polish Woman Assessed $ 820,000 for Taxes on Prostitution Earnings
Claiming over 100,000 "services", the Happy Hooker said she was born with her legs apart, making here a "natural" for the industry.
Volume discount anyone?
White House Study: O'Bomba Stimulus "Saved" 2 Million Jobs
The self serving study was prepared by the same aides Bush used to confirm Saddam had "Weapons of Mass Destruction".
What could be more believable than that?
Government Report Shows U.S. Obesity Rate Not Rising
True. With 98% of U.S. citizens already obese, the remaining 2% won't be until FatDonald's opens their other 1,040 planned restaurants in 2010.
Poll: Blacks in U.S. Optimistic About Future
And with good reason: As TSA implements profiling, thousands will be needed with cavity search experience.
The Serious and the Silly in Washington D.C.
The Serious: Michele O'Bomba's $ 478,000 shopping trip for a purse bag including full Secret Service Escort via Helicopter.
The Silly: Barrack O'Bomba's $672 polishing kit for his Nobel Peace Prize
"Children Nowadays, Land Sakes!"
Michelle Obama meets with Barbara Bush, Osama's Aunt Bea Laden to help the boys work out their differences.
Bank CEO's: W'ere Sorry for Our Risky Behaviors and Bad Decisions
Now, that said, just give us all your damn money, and hurry up about it.
Space Heater Warning
Officials urge caution in use of space heaters as "We don't know which area of space they came from."
Choir Director Accused
Choir director in Church in London accused of boring young men in the choir.
Canadian exchange student says he's learned "little or nothing, eh?" during two month stay in North Dakota.
Miss Piggy Protege
Teenager in East Tennessee who sings to his hogs hoping to hit Broadway in a few years with a little luck.
They Helped Us Once
Mountain families is eastern Kentucky and West Virginia rally behind struggling Big C Strip-Mining Company.
We're The First Again
Minnesota says it expects to for an orangutan into office in 2012 after being the first to vote in a wrestler and a clown.
New Factory Jobs
Good News: Possible creation of 10,000 new jobs as empty auto factories now cranking up for producing 1,000 drones a day for military.
Modern Warfare II sales outstrip everything including Chrysler cars who only sold II
MWII is the hottest seller, everybody is playing it including AlQaeda, The Taliban, African Terrorists, bored allied soldiers and black African footy teams, it's just so "BLOODY good"
The bitter struggle to keep breeding
Sheryl Crow on her song 'If It Makes You Happy' sang the lyric "listen to soul train derail your own train" and R&B rappers who hate Desire Washington take Cheryl out on a date.
Danger on the western front
Black people like to meddle in other peoples business so they can rape, rob and kill them but they are scared to mess with white people because of the large white population.
Cost A Fortune
Twelve-year-old caught smoking cigarettes made to go out and shovel snow to pay off bill for the four that he smoked.
Border Collie taught English before being re-homed, because he only understands Polish commands. "Thought he barked funny", states trainer.
Will Keep Eye On The Teens
A police officer who measures just 5ft tall has hit the beat to become Britain's smallest ever Pc. Apparently he will infiltrate schools undercover as student.
Dressed Or Arrest
Naked rambler Stephen Gough has been threatened with spending the rest of his life in a maximum security prison, unless he puts on a pair of trousers. "No matter HOW proud you are of your anatomy!"
Judges Declares Them 'Stupid'!
'Stupid' motorist who drove for half-a-mile down an ice covered canal facing court, pneumonia.
Driven Into Cold
The 106-year-old evicted from care home in snow after court battle defeat. "Too much dancing, partying in her room", states judge.
What Obama could learn from France about stopping terrorists. "Run away fast!"
Few Labor Problems
Officials: Third Vegas airport terminal half-ass done. Will half-ass complete other two-thirds whenever.
Dog Eat Dog!
Airlines raise fuel surcharges to Europe. Europe levies tax on surcharges.
I'm Not Moving
Conan O'Brien says no thanks to NBC move. NBC may bring in police to remove squatter from Leno's place.
Win Win Siruation?
China jewelry makers say toxic metal cuts costs, problems with overpopulation.
Tough first year for Yahoo's tough-talking CEO who says water boarding staff could be one option.
Should Be Ready
NASA: February launch still on despite bad hoses on piss recycle machine.
Prehistoric Building Discovered
Prehistoric building found in modern Israeli city. "The Thoggs lived right up the street and we never knew it", says neighbor.
Still 10% Unemployment
White House credits stimulus with up to 2M jobs. Mostly temporary, sending out stimulus packages.
Reps May Double Rebuke
South Carolina state reps approve rebuke of Governor Sanford. Governor refutes rebukes.
"Kurds Told Us It Was Traditional"
Turkey rejected an Israeli attempt Wednesday to make amends for humiliating its ambassador by gobbling every time he passed by.
Also, "I'm Like A Rock, Man"
Simon and Garfunkel to perform at Jazz Fest. They will perform first version of jazzed-up "Bridge Over Troubled Waters..a-skeebie do bop do"
Businessman In Ukraine Race
Businessman gains in Ukraine's presidential race as he 'shares his wealth' with those voters less fortunate.
Tins of Peaches
Upset at Peaches.
Peaches Wins Big Libel Pay-Out
Newspaper claimed she was focused on helping the needy and vulnerable.
Cadmium Ban In NY
NY senator calls for cadmium ban in kids' jewelry, especially 6-year-old's nipple rings.
Taliban Causing Deaths
UN: Taliban cause Afghan civilian deaths to soar. Outnumber death by camel wrecks, 3-1!
Iran Money Messages
In Iran, money talks with protest slogans as officials attempt to remove money with "Death To Dictators", "Your Ayatollah is so fat..." slogans written on them.
Drugs Benefit Many
Some blood pressure drugs may cut risk of dementia, common cold, Alzheimer's Disease say makers of blood pressure drugs.
Obama Meets Democrats
Obama, congressional Democrats meeting on health care bill for the first time in the past 24 hours.
Reason for cold-snap discovered
Iris Robinson has gone into rehab and thence stopped her "co-friction" related activities - less friction, less heat -> cold snap.
Money Painting Found
Polish police say they have found a painting by French impressionist Claude Monet that was stolen from a museum in western Poland in 2000. Forgot they shipped it to museum in eastern Poland.
Got NASA's knickers in a twist (with lemon)
"Mystery 'space junk' set to pass close by Earth" - just some fly-by space tourist vehicle doing a 'Salisbury Cathedral' walk-through.
Brit Finally Caught
UK fugitive who taunted police on Facebook for months finally caught while using still another library computer.
Rare Map Found
On a rare 400-year-old map, China is the center of the world. Could be true in 20-25 years.
Running Shoes Cause Joint Strain
Study: Running Shoes Could Cause Joint Strain! Smoking pot not easy while running as half a joint inhaled at one time can cause visions ahead of runner.
Vermont Seeks Succession
Nine Vermont state office candidates favor secession from the United States. US troops are being prepared.
Sarah Palin Debuts on Fox News
"There is an obvious disconnect between when the neurons in my brain fire and raw sewage comes out of my mouth."
Obama Admits Failure
Obama concedes he hasn't brought country together. Probably the understatement of the year.
Ministry of defence thanks 'Women of Steel'
The MoD is to officially thank the 'Women of Steel for their hard work during WWII. The Minister of Veteran's said today, "these girls from Sheffield played a major role, may they rust in peace!"
Study: Cocaine Gives Boys a Higher High
The Government report winds up recommending that girls snort twice as much to get the same high as their boyfriend.
O'Bomba Calls in SpinMaster Speech Writer Benjamen Rhodes
In a new "spin speech", Rhodes to characterize a protracted Viet Nam style war costing taxpayers $ 1 Trillion dollars a year as a Peace Dividend for electing O'Bomba in the first place.
Israel Demands a Cessation to Rumors of U.S. Government Infiltration
The Jewish State said today that "Rumors that Jews occupy over 70% of positions that make foreign policy and banking decisions in the US Government" are untrue; the percentage is slightly over 80%.
Cheney Comes Out of Retirment; Takes TSA Chief Post
Immediately orders all Americans who are not Registered Republicans placed on the "No-Fly List."
O'Reilly Caught Pumping Palin After Debut
The usually unshakable O'Reilly stated "I was so turned on by her ass, it just seemed like doing her right here on the set would be a conservative and common sense thing to do."
Seinfeld and Son of Sam Team for New/Old Show
If you don't laugh, Son of Sam gives you a visit.
Palin Gets Vegas Gig with Booze Wholesalers
Palin, the one-time Presidential Wannabe is expected to be fully inebriated prior to starting her speech.
How to Recapture the Price You Paid for your House Three Years Ago
Take out ten insurance policies for the value it has today and have an "accidental" fire.
Michele O'Bomba Reaps Role as Big Butt Poster Gal for New Wal Mart Line
The new line of XXXL woman's undies, will launch under the label of "Fat Ass Fannies" in February Fliers. Especially Designed for the Unemployed American Woman who Shops at Wal Mart, they'll go fast.
Who can Replace Simon Cowell?
Not sure..... Benny Hill?
McGwire Makes Hall of Fame....
With a .999 batting average, the Royd Rager made the Texas Tall Tale Teller's Hall of Fame on the First Vote.
Think Tank: World Freedoms Fell in 2009
Expected to "zero out" in 2010.
Government Accounting of Stimulus Jobs Changed!
The figures now report those who got free taxpayer money who didn't need it.
U.S. turns to Afghan Farmers to Uproot Taliban Insurgency
The farmers are to wander their poppy fields and make imaginary body counts of "dead Talibanees" and report the stories to U.S. Commanders as fact.... for U.S. Television reports on the "Afghan War'.
O'Bomba Plans to Raise $ 120 Billion from Banking Fees
Average monthly cost of maintaining a consumer checking account to hit $ 100 shortly thereafter.
Cybil Sherpherd's Son Charged with Mid-Air Theft
The 22 Year old Cyrus Thievenheim was charged with sniping personals from other passenger's carry on baggage. Stolen items ranged from dildos to Al-Quaida bombs and secreted TSA scans of Miley Cyrus.
New Book Reveals O'Bomba Campaign Secrets!
Lie, followed by Public Opinion Status Check, Lie more convincingly followed by Public Opinion Status Check, Ask what the voting public wants; lie about it and execute A Public Opinion Status Check.
"Conan Draws a Line"
Refusing to head to the late late night roster of show host flunkees.
Well, Conan, there's always the 5:30 a.m. slot next to Donald Duck and Felix the Cat.
Iraqi Authroities Thwart Bomb Plot Against Ministries
As everything else in the country has already been blown up.....why bother!
O'Bomba Seeks $ 33 Billion Dollars More for Wars
Bringing the yearly "Peace Prizer" war budget to nearly $1 Trillion Dollars - just for this year.
Can O'Bomba Spell "Warring State"?
Tear It Down!
Prefab skyscraper in eastern Kentucky mountains housing 50 families judged unsafe during a .007 earthquake, loud auto backfire!
White House Black
Michelle Obama;s garden crew discover oil near White House as Dick Cheney gnaws off his own foot.
Jaws Of Life!
There was a 57 car pileup of commuters going to work in Dallas, Texas this morning. No one was seriously injured in the wreck but the lead car driver had to have his cell phone removed from his ass.
St Louis man and wife visited by Kentucky relatives who drop by to spend 2010 together.
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