Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 12 January 2010
Jets Coach already planning tickertape parade for their Superbowl Victory
No idea when it will happen, but 2010 is in serious doubt.
Michael Vick Throws Touchdown Pass and Fumbles in Playoff Game
Andy Reid says "I'd put Michael in my doghouse, but we all know what would happen then."
Unemployment Climbs Past 12%
Acorn workers to show jobless how to get double benefits.
Conan Refuses To Move His Show Later To Give Leno Back His Old Time Slot
"He already got cancelled once this year, what guarantees it won't happen again?"
Major Earthquake Strikes Haiti
Rosie O'Donnell denies that she was running on the beach
Yeti Spotted at Lambeth Palace
A 10 foot hairy creature was spotted in the grounds of Lambeth Palace this morning. The creature was caught on CCTV. The Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, said that it was "an abomination!"
Just another silly legal case
Aluminium v. Aluminum (Federal Case Docket No. 49734)
Food manufacturers classify product of hydrochloric acid and sodium hydroxide
'as flavouring' for low sodium foods
Making Grit go Twice as Far
Councils across the UK have a cunning plan to make grit go twice as far...they will drive the gritters twice as fast. One driver was arrested for doing 120mph on the motorway.
"Sulphurous Seductress" or "Sulfurous Seductress"
"Separated by a Common Language"
You Should Know That
'something is going down' - "If only we knew what that 'something' is," said clueless (head of CIA)
Wheels fall off Gordon Brown's election wagon
GB goes all out for sympathy vote.
Bankers very willing
to pay someone 25 'big ones' as scapegoat
Iris Robinson and her 'tricks'
Iris Robinson wore out her teen lover and moved onto wild boar, bear, weasel, and finally the Tasmanian Devil - driving the Tasmanian Devil to the edge of distinction
'Volunteer to Make a Difference'
So went the Nazi teen recruitment tweet
'The Most Influential US Conservative'
Obama - well, can u think of anyone else that focuses the minds of the Conservatives more than President Obama?
'A single Paracetamol pill caused it to turn black and fall off'
Quentin Davies's neice is a monster so says
Quentin Davies's neice
Neighbors Of Killer
The next door neighbors of a man arrested for being a serial killer describe the man as "pretty much like any other run of the mill serial killer."
It's A Start
Hamas seeks to lower tension with Egypt, Israel. Begin supplying Palestinian youths with nerf balls
Due to recent economic slump and cost increase for shipping oil Exxon-Mobile has laid off 24 congressmen and three senators.
Costs For Extra Baggage
Continental Airlines has matched Delta Air Lines' recent extra charges for baggage. "So leave the old gal at home", states airline employee who is fired five minutes later
Rose: McGuire Belongs In HoF
Pete Rose says that Mark McGuire belongs in the Hall Of Fame. "Sure he was on steroids at the time but so were the pitchers."
Pete Carroll Wants NMSU Head Coach as Defensive Coordinator
"He's got a nine game losing streak here and we had the worst rated offense for yardage and scoring in the NCAA. How much do we have to pay them to take him?" asks NMSU.
Motel Sex Fined
Motel Sex has received a large fine by the US government for wasting electricity from 'leaving a red light on for you'.
More Children's Jewlery Tainted with Cadmium Discovered
"Who sucks on their ankle bracelet?" asks Chinese manufacturing group.
Courts Throw Out Dan Rather's Lawsuit
Upset former anchorman asks, "If I was black, would Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson come to my defense?"
The economy has gotten so bad in the United states that Visa and Mastercard are sending out pre-denied cards in the mail.
Sarah Palin to Begin Work on Fox News
John McCain will still be scripting all of her stories and reports.
Former Slugger Mark McGwire Admits To Steroid Use
"Mark? Steroids? Really? I never would have guessed it was the steroids that made the 160 pound rookie into the 270 pound slugger."
Fire department called out again to go up and down frozen streets detaching dogs from fire hydrants.
Forget skinny hips and boney bums, big fatty bums are the healthiest!
Scientists have proven that fatty bummed, hipped, thighed women are the healthiest, as for "Skinnies" and women with beer-guts they are unhealthy and only enjoy sex with dildos!
Alastair Campbell: "I did not sex-up WMD dossier"
"But I had sex with the WMD dossier."
Dutch declare Iraq war illegal and demand extradition of Blair and Bush to The Hague!
Holland have declared the Iraqi war illegal, have accused Bush and Blair of war crimes and both are to be extradited to The Hague for the Trial, Tony asked for some weed in his cell!
Alistair Campbell "Spins" his way out of trouble and blames Blair!
Super Spin doctor A.Campbell "spun" in court, blamed Blair and George Bush who promised him WOMD in Iraq. The only WOMD in Iraq were WW1 Russian tanks and Nomads use them for hanging their washing on
"These Boots Were Made For Vegans"
Animal rights extremist given 'vegan' work boots and 'ethical' make-up in jail (and guess who's footing the bill?)
"The silly cow!", states jailer.
Better At Helping In Support Roles?
A fifth of Britain's infantry is unfit for to serve on the front line, MoD reveals. "Then why are they always placed there", asks public.
Eyes Reveal Secrets
New tests show a man's eyes reveal his true intentions. Is he looking at your face or your boobs?
Remember: Chickens First
Farmer whose chickens were spooked by RAF jets gets a bigger MoD payout than wounded soldiers, who get chickenfeed.
Miraculous recovery of teenager who grew back her face after suffering 'one-in-a-million' allergic reaction to paracetamol, giving advice to John Bobbitt.
How About Customers?
In New York City today the Plumber's Union say they are facing a big crackdown.
Middle Class Crackdown
Middle class medical professionals are to be targeted in a new tax evasion crackdown, it emerged yesterday. Doctors say "Wait till politicians need exams."
Average House Price Up
Average house price breaks through the £200,000 barrier. Could hit £300,000 this year as nobody is buying them anyway.
Government Demands Boobs Returned
Benefits cheat swindled £60,000 and flew to Moscow, the world capital of boobs, for boob job.
Chimp Outperforms Bankers
Lusha the chimpanzee outperforms 94% of Russia bankers with her investment portfolio as freak weather around the world affects banana crops.
Iran Blames US
Iran blames 'U.S. and Zionists' after top nuclear scientist is killed by remote-controlled motorcycle bomb after remote controlled skateboard bomb misfires.
Iris Robinson's toy boy lover Kirk McCambley 'feigned testicular cancer, having the clap, to end affair'
Gordon Brown was key member of Blair's 'inner circle' that made decision to invade Iraq, worship golden calf, Alistair Campbell tells Chilcot inquiry
Brit Bulldog Needed
Britain braces for third wave of Big Freeze: Grit and gas critically low as forecasters warn of fresh band of snow across UK. Many asking, "Where's Churchill?"
Islamist group that planned Wootton Bassett hate march banned by Home Secretary, may have them marching around his residence.
Terns For The Worse
Arctic terns take break en route south for winter after forming ice on their wings over Florida.
Egypt: New find shows slaves didn't build pyramids. Mostly done by hired family of descendants of Goliath family.
Income Levies Due In April
AP source: Obama considers levy for rescued firms as he doesn't care for the term 'taxes'. Further levies on the way.
A man long suspected in the 1982 Chicago-area Tylenol slayings has submitted a DNA sample and fingerprints to authorities, a friend said Monday. Report to be ready by 2038!
WalMart Pulling Jewelry
Walmart pulling jewelry cited in AP cadmium report. Other cadmium items in Cadmium Department still available if you hurry.
China to look into AP report of cadmium in their cadmium jewelry.
"Missed Him By THAT Much!"
Bomb kills Iran nuclear physicist tied to Mousavi. Mousavi was apparently tied to him loosely.
McGwire Confesses. Still Awaiting Bonds, Sosa
Mark McGwire finally admits using steroids. Huge line-up of exposed asses before each game.
Life Kicks Off!
Relay for Life kicks off Tuesday. Let's rephrase that. Relay For Life BEGINS Tuesday.
Missing Moon Rocks Found
Hawaii's missing moon rocks found in the last place everyone looked for them.
NYC amusement park strongman, 104, killed by minivan he was holding over his head.
Needs A Good Chewing Out
Greg Norman, Chris Evert finalize divorce in secret as Evert displays 'shark' bites.
Older Aircraft Study
Study: FAA calls for inspections of older Boeing 737s, especially those with loose things hanging out.
Probably Sixth Served Martini
An unruly passenger whose drunken behavior prompted an AirTran Airways aircraft to make an emergency landing escorted by fighter jets was charged on Monday with interference with a flight crew.
"Where Does The Time Go These Days?"
Couch potatoes, beware. Sitting in front of the television for hours daily could shorten your life, according to an Australian study.
Study: Youth now have more mental health issues. Physicians blame crazy acts of Britney, Woods, Jackson, etc.
Skewed & Screwed
Skewed China birth rate to leave twenty-four million men single.
Iraqi security forces lock down parts of Baghdad. American trained troops doing so well they're even keeping us out.
US investigating 38 cases of reconstruction abuse, as the same house in Afghanistan rebuilt 37 times.
Labor angry over Obama-backed insurance tax. What next, a tax on number of feces flushed to protect the environment?
Tips On How To Feel Sexy Naked?
Have sex. Naked.
Not for the Fainthearted
Veterinary Scientists in Oxford have successfully crosseda Spitz and a Chow-Chow. The new breed is a Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.
The Bread Of Life
The face of Jesus has appeared on a slice of naan bread in a curry house in Surrey. "It's nice to know that the good Lord is keeping an eye on me!" said diner, Rogan Josh, today.
Man Eating Tiger Spotted in Kitchen in Surrey.
A man was spotted eating a cardboard box for breakfast this morning. "I was eating my 'Frosties' but when they run out, I had to eat the box and poor old Tony the Tiger was eaten." said Zak Striper.
Simon Cowell Joins Fox News
"Hey, I'm just as fair and balanced as the other Fox News commentators," he stated.
Slogan of Fox News Changes After Hiring Sarah Palin
"She reports, she decides, you betcha."
"Let There Be Light," God Said
. . . but not for those who suffer from migraines.
New Jersey Is Smoking
Potheads from all over the country are rushing there, as medical marijuana is approved by the NJ Legislature.
Federal Regulators Expand Charges Against B of A
Demanding a bigger piece of the pie for themselves. B of A Officials reminded the regulators that the government is the bank and their bosses won't like what they are doing.
New Jersey Legilature Approves Marijuana Bill
A long time in coming, legislative officials will now be exempt from charges when pulled over for smoking "just a little pot".
Wal-Mart Enters Banking Market With In-Store ATM's
The ATM's will disperse customers funds in Wal Mart bucks only, but will be spendable at in-store McDonald's restaurants.
Wal-Mart strikes again.
Mel Gisbson "Feels Sorry for Tiger"
Geez Mel, what about Tiger's wife?
The New U.S. "Permanent Temporary Work Force"
Permanent bust ass work with lower wages; paychecks that buy anything strictly temporary.
McGwire to Marry Namath's Daughter Olivia
The two are expected to "shoot up some royds" or "puff the magic dragon" each and every night and all day Saturdays and Sundays.
O'Bomba May Look At Bank Fees to Reign In Deficit
Bankers say any levies will be passed on to customers.
Thanks Again, O'Bomba
Newt Gingrich in 2012?
Is it possible the U.S. population is that stupid?
-Don't Answer That-
Dem's and GOP Trade Race Card Shots
You're a Nigger! No, You are. No, you're a jive talkin' Nigger - No, You're the biggest lazy ass Nigger that ever was - You sound just like a Nigger!
Dem's and GOP's.. two true blue groups of clowns
Dick Cheney admits he has had to quit taking Viagra. "Oh, the pill worked but everything was blue and the wife looked like a Smurf."
Reid Apologizes Again
Senator Harry Reid once again apologizes to President Barack Obama for telling everyone that the wrong part of Obama is white.
Tutu At Ballet
Bishop Desmond Tutu finally gets up the nerve to attend a ballet.
"Best Fruit Pie You Ever Had"
Advertising agent at ABC writes 32-page jingle to Margie's Fruit Pies after smoking pot, eating Margie's Fruit Pies all day.
Alley Has New Job
Kirstie Alley gives up, signs contract to do commercials for WallyMart's tent-size fashions.
Wife Accuses 'Cannibal' Husband!
John Elder of Topeka, Kansas, who recently married a vegetarian, apparently ate the family dog in his sleep last night.
Latest From 'Boogertown Times'
Seventy-Five percent of Boogertown, Nebraska's weekly newspaper copied from the internet. Logo: The only paper in the world whose subscribers know more about Britney than their next door neighbor!"
Authorities want less salt in food
Have asked food manufacturers to find alternatives like NaCl to replace salt.
Save City Water
Each year crappy TV commercials annoy the viewers more and more. Many cities have asked their residents to cease taking potty breaks during the commercials, as the sewer plants are being overloaded!
Rent-A-Potty Rental Policy
Nauseous Rent-A-Potty allows the client to choose any available potty on their lot. This policy speeds up movement!
BOTOX is Tax-less
The House and Senate compromise health care reform bill does not contain a BOTOX tax. House Speaker Pelosi plans to have her whole body redone!
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