Spoof news snippets from Sunday 10 January 2010
Chinese fail Lynn intelligence test
German scientists say the Lynn intelligence test was in error when it said Chinese are the most intelligent people on earth because Chinese men are not allowed to have 4 wives like Saudi Arabian men.
Nothing Like "West Side Story"
New water ballet featured for the first time on stage in the smash hit musical, "East River Story".
Third Time A Charm
After drinking their own piss, astronauts say the thing they fear most is a acid reflux.
Scientists Discover Oldest Footprints - From Big Feet
Claim they are related to PalinPithicus, a sloth type beast from a primordial period that inhabited the Alaska region.
Prince Charles Ears Normal
Lady Camilla Parker Bowles says that there is no truth in the rumor that Prince Charles ears are erotic. "You have him confused with those horrible Ferengi."
Lynn intelligence test in question over Japanese behavior
Analysts say they question the Lynn intelligence because the Japanese helped the Germans in World War II even though the Germans intended to replace everyone with a new blond German race.
Blake Fiedler Has Massive Stroke; Promises to Re-Marry Winehouse
Too bad the stroke didn't blind him as well.
Lesbians are seen as stalkers
In a national statistics it was discovered that 90% of underage females are fearful of being kidnapped by lesbians because lesbians are attracted to other females.
Evolutionary female submission
Scientist have discovered that in nature females submit to other females by replicating male humping behavior on the superior female who bends over for the submissive female.
New Breed of Dog
Veterinary scientists in Oxford have successfully crossed a Collie and a Lhasa Apso.
The new breed is a Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
Lesbians in society stay away from men so straight women don't get angry at them because of the competitive nature of women. Instead, lesbians gather with other lesbians to satisfy each other.
News Reporter jumps off a bridge in Paris
A depressed news reporter jumped off a bridge in Paris today. The man was rescued and identified as an In Seine News Reporter from Shrewsbury.
Mexicans are understanding reality
Mexicans consider themselves to be superior to blacks until they're locked up with them in prison cells and they leave prison unable to fart.
British Army on Standby in Kent
In the midst of Britain's big freeze, the government has promised that the British Army will be on standby in Kent to help clear pathways of snow. Both men will take it in turns to use the shovel.
Islamic Women win the prize
Scientist from around the world are marrying Islamic women because of the evolutionary efficiency of an Islamic marriage.
Chicago lady sues airport after security guard insisted she had something hidden in her bra, even after x-ray.
E-Mail No Longer Free-Mail?
The USPS will run out of money this year unless it gets help, Postmaster General John Potter told Congress Friday. Asks if there's any way to charge for e-mail like a writers monthly fee.
Fecal Bacteria Found in Soda Fountains
Due to employees pissing in the soda tanks after closing.
Thirst busting 64 oz. Mountain Dew anyone?
Few More Cuts
Federal Reserve Chairman Bernanke told congress that there may be a few more cuts before the market can get straightened out. "See, I cut one just then, sorry."
Stuff Food Into His Mouth
Congressman at New Year's Party seemed to be practicing for his next filibuster.
Wal-Mart: Customers to Pay for Grocery Bags AND Wait 30 minutes to Check Out
The customer service king strikes again.
In Big Lick, Kentucky slick road causes police car leading funeral procession to slide into police car leading funeral session going the other way. 32 injured, one killed and two already dead.
One Joke Town
Mayor of Scottsville, North Carolina apparently only knows one joke about spilling spot remover on his dog and now he's missing. Heard 50 plus times now.
U.S. Senators: "Punish Security Agency Personnel" For Systemic Failures
Free Daily Snickers Bar to be Denied on Fridays.
Serena Says She's #1, Not Henin or Clijsters
The Ghetto Trash Blaster Sounds Off Again.
Time Traveler Through
Ohio woman who ran over time traveler and crushed him and his machine tell police that "He seemed to come out of nowhere!"
Scientists come up with 'super ants' that are nearly two feet high and can move you to your new apartment or house in record time, as only one can carry both your refrigerator and sectional couch.
It's A Puzzle
Archaeologists in Egypt puzzled over unwrapping mummy wearing a hospital band on it's wrist, tag on toe.
Wish We Had The Nerve
Still joined Siamese Twins tell former twins who has now gone their separate ways since 2005, "You two are sooo out there!"
Now Doing Desk Job
Monica Lewinsky says that her role as enticing then president Bill Clinton has been highly overblown!
Polar, Optimists, Detroit Lions have all been given limited threatened species status.
code phrase for latest Bin Laden affiliated terrorist or a track off a Police band/album.
Northern Ireland First Minister's Wife has sex issues
Caught in bed with teen - claims depression led her to stray. "Yeah, right."
British burglars switch tack
making more money suing British home owners
British householders now too frightened
to call the cops in case they get arrested (by the cops)
British Police Now Regarded Worst than Burglars
Says average householder
Welsh Council Leader criticized for not ordering enough salt
Arrested on US bound plane with salt sowed into his pants.
Strong food and drink sales
Happen between bouts of weak food and drink sales
Never found on land
"Have a go heroes"
Told to stop it.
Fresh Salt Deliveries to Wales
Raided by the PC crowd
Source of Canadian Tar Sands (source of unconventional oil)
Bin Laden: "R we bothered?"
with a few airliner mishaps - "No. Rest assured, we still have our top operatives inside the White House".
Bin Laden operating in full view
Xbox kid calculated what Bin Laden would like like if he had no beard and took a few pills ...
"We will fight them on the beaches"
then give them a lawyer to tell them to shut up
Panetta locks himself in a cupboard after
Obama announces new role for the CIA: document review work for the FBI.
"Most men don't wash their hands after using toilet"
Actually, most men don't wash their hands
Internal Report inside the CIA
Panetta - (current Head of the CIA): "Joe Biden for once
is correct - the President has done more harm to intelligence gathering than America's greatest enemies."
Texas Teen Hires Buddy to Kill Mom
Hmmm, must be one of the first graduates of the "No Child Left Behind" program.
"I Can't Show Feelings Like Al Gore Can"
Ralph Nader promises followers in upcoming 2012 presidential race that he will show some kind of emotion during debates, but someone will have to sign which one.
Bush Ahead Of His Time
According to discovered Bush Administration e-mails, President requested that the 'Electrical College' go solar!
"We Are Americans!"
Miss Nude America wins judges over with speech about patriotism!
Road-kill rabbit all over the road before passing car straightens it out.
Den Of Iniquity
"Billy Bob's Best Donuts" in Selma, Alabama, apparently site of extensive police investigation.
Crown Jewels Shown
Beefeaters accused of running £50-a-head private tours of the Crown Jewels, pics of private jewels to tourists.
Defence Threatens War Hero
MoD threat to ruin Royal Marine hero who threw himself on Taliban grenade, for writing book about the episode. Demand money from book sales as "We were the ones who SENT him there."
False Arrest Defended
Businessman is arrested in front of wife and son, for 'anti-gipsy' email that he didn't even write. "Just shows you how dumb the guy is, arrested for some writing he didn't do", states officer.
It's Global Cooling Now
The bitter winter afflicting much of the Northern Hemisphere is a trend towards cooler weather that is likely to last for 30 years, say the world's most eminent former global warming scientists.
Clearing Snow Could Bring Lawsuits
Householders and businesses have been warned not to clear snowy pavements, as they could be sued if someone slips. "If anyone sues me, I'll go over to their place and fall", says one business owner.
Brits To Get More Snow
Met Office warns Brits of 20cm MORE snow today and tomorrow as Army is put on standby to help. Told to put at least one snowball in freezer for next Al Gore visit.
No Vietnam Now
Contrary to recent popular comparisons, Afghanistan is not Vietnam, or at least, not since Obama took office, say Dems.
General Petraeus Nominated for Nobel Peace Prize
Keeping in step with progress towards complete Orwellian logic.
Hope They Don't "Crash"
Amtrak suspends Chicago-Denver train due to snow. Now waiting for engineers to come down off high.
Tribute To Elvis
Elvis fans mark 75th birthday at his beginning by releasing balloons, 75 hound dogs!
States In Trouble
Governors facing troubles as economy hits home, former home owners!
German Drivers Stranded
Snow strands hundreds overnight on German highway as the Schnapps Cops try to keep every one warm, happy.
He's A Slick One
Bill targets youth who send 'sexts' as parents everywhere warn teens about former president, Clinton.
Sheen Back At Work
Charlie Sheen tapes first show since felony arrest. Hopes to finish season before next one.
Job Means Pay Cut
For the unemployed, new job often means a pay cut as their unemployment checks worth more than many job openings at WallyMart.
Floridians Stunned, Frozen
Cold stuns Floridians. Not many tourists riding "20,000 Leagues Under The Ice" at Disney World.
"It's My Own Payment Fault!"
In Foreclosureville, USA, so much change as one in ten houses foreclosed at one time. Mayor asks Jimmy Buffet for benefit song, Wasting Away In Foreclosureville".
Senate Leader Apologizes.
Reid to Obama: Sorry for 'no Negro dialect' remark, black face minstrel show, Buckwheat jokes while campaigning for Hillary.
China Overtakes Germany
China overtakes Germany as biggest exporter as economic crisis leading many to switch to mostly rice meals.
Still A Lot Of Freebies
World's oldest profession getting a surge of new blood, thanks to a decision this week to allow the first legal male prostitutes in US history. So far, received over one million applications.
Another Pi Record
Fabrice Bellard told AFP he used an inexpensive desktop computer to calculate Pi to nearly 2.7 trillion decimal places. May next try "Pete & Repete".
Earthquake In California
6.5 quake shakes buildings on California coast, causing outcries from Eureka!
Yemen Seeks Dialogue
Yemen's president open to dialogue with al-Qaida, maybe a goat's milk conference.
Easily Affordable, Especially For Us
Report: Health costs up slightly, only a couple hundred a month or so, under Senate bill, say Dems.
Women with full lips 'look younger'!
Research scientists say that women with full lips DO 'look younger'.They also say that if you are wearing a burkha, it will be much harder to ascertain.
Togo footy attack was complete "cock up" Didier Drogba was the real target!
Chelsea's whining, whinging, diving superstar, Drogba was the real target and not TOGO (who?) Zimbabwe Pres. Mugabe was behind the attack being a Nr1 Man Utd fan he thought he was serving Humanity!
China Passes Germany as Largest Exporter
U.S. still sucking thumb while guzzling imported oil.
General Petraeus: I'm gonna Order Iran Bombed
The only question is, will it be with Nukes or a Snarling Hillary in her underwear with a squirt gun from 30,000 feet.
Dead or just blinded, that's their choice.
US GI's Turn Afghan War Zone into Peaceful Outpost
The GI's, missing for weeks were discovered at the outpost completely high off a limitless supply of cocaine found nearby.
The Pentagon is reporting that the Taliban are responsible.
New Intel Gadget Allows Humans to "Touch the Web"
Just put one hand on your Intel driven flat screen then put one finger in any nearby wall socket and POOF! you are now one with the web!
Wall St. Bonuses Zooming to 8 Figures for 2010
Doesn't ANYONE remember how to build a gallows?
Ticker: Palin's Power Lunch
Two cans of Jolt Cola and a Moose hide burger.
General Petraeus Decision: No Yemen Invasion Just Yet
Says he'll let O'Bomba know when it has started.
O'Bomba still polishing Peace Prize.
New "Who is" Game: Celebrity Mother - Daughter Lookalikes!
Cher & "Chaz" Bono ?
Nevada Brothel 1st to Seek a Few Good Men
Tiger need not apply. The other half of the operation provides female pleasures. One can not eat where one works.
NYC Man Charged with "Getting His Military Training from Al-Quaida in Pakistan"
Hmmm, I guess if he got his military training from neo-cons in the U.S., all would be well?
Get Spoof News in your email inbox!