Spoof news snippets from Friday 1 January 2010
Cheertoff Nixes Subpoenas of Travel Bloggers
But only after they were served and personal computers confiscated.
Foreign Governments Among Largest Donors to Clinton
One of the larger foreign donors would be the U.S.A. A country Clinton knows little about and cares for even less. Its all about the m-o-n-e-y- and nobody counts it better then the wife, Hillary.
O'Bama: "Brighter Days Are Ahead"
Sounds an awful lot like "Good Times are Right Around the Corner" (Herbert Hoover, 1930)
Tiger Woods and Susan Boyle
Tiger Woods was photographed walking with Susan Boyle in a Jamaican resort. Woods says it was better than engaging in bestiality when his marriage went on the rocks.
Brits Invent Special Underwear for Use with Scanners at Airports
The underwear, worn by servants at Buckingham Palace, are scan sensitive and show all that is underneath. Invented to deter theft of family jewels, the product will be branded Tony Blair Underwear.
Prostitution is legalized on the streets
Prostitution is the exchange of money for sex but now prostitutes exchange money for trinkets and sex is a private affair.
Catholic Church commits genocide on Italy
The Catholic Church is sanctioning abstinence on Italians while the rest of humanity and the animal kingdom are engaging in a massive amount of sex.
Fired College Coach Says He "Did Not" Mistreat Player
Leach further explained, the player deserved far more than being locked up in a light less sweat box he procured from Guantanamo.
Domestic Flight Returned for Failed Security Screening
No-Jet Aielines said an early flight to Chicago had to return for a double check security screening of one very suspect passenger. Michael "Molitoff" Cheertoff was cleared of being on a no-fly list.
North Carolina smoking ban for restaurants, bars under fire
'Fails to ban smoking underwear', say critics.
Suicide blast in Yemen kills 75
Entire graduating class of suicide bombers wiped out during 'final exam'.
New York Mayor Bloomberg Sworn In for Third Term
Broadcasters refuse to air event due to all the foul language involved.
Armed Forces in the year 9010
In the year 9010 the military is creating a new law that will reward soldiers who finish their tour of duty with the legal right to have 4 wives just like the Saudi Arabians.
Arabian polygamy protected by genocide laws
Saudi Arabia states they are entitled to have 4 wives to procreate their race and are protected by genocide law: Article II, section (d) Imposing measures intended to prevent births within the group
New Toyota Paparazzi
The new Toyota hybrid "The Paparazzi" is the most sporty looking member of the Prius group yet.
Another Crack Discovered
Crack discovered on the space shuttle repair guy just before he took off.
Cost Of Living
Consumer Guide reports that second hand smoke now up to $2.00 a pack!
Bombing at Pakistan Volly Ball Game Kills at Least 75 People
If the game had been played with great looking bikini clad young girls as it should always be played, this bombing event probably never would have happened.
MenstruatingTeacher charged in Bank Holdups in NH
I can hear the defense now...."PMS made me do it"
Lifeless prion proteins enter Spoofers head, the rest have been warned!
Scientists have accepted the fact lifeless prion proteins can attack humans, especially those whose brains are already "cracked"
All Spoof writers have been warned, we are an endangered species!
Crowd Running Through Gatlingburg!
The Smokey Mountains first annual "Running Of The Bears" off to a bad and bloody start.
Tigers Loses Another
Tiger Woods loses advertising for Big Bertha golf clubs to Sock Puppet.
Rabbi Offering Tips
Rabbi Bobbitt of House Of Shalom says that he has not had a circumcision in nearly eight years now.
Idiot Vacines Next
Police say that millions lost hundreds of millions of dollars from investing in Fraud.Org last year. Will Begin idiot vaccinations right after those of Swine Flu.
Lesbians and gynecologist
Statistics show that 99% of lesbians would rather work as janitors instead of gynecologist but those same lesbians say they would visit a female gynecologist to sneak in a cheap orgasm.
Real lesbian lifestyles
Based on statistics the only young lesbian women who pleasure old women are porno stars in the entertainment industry and homeless young lesbian women who depend financially on old rich women.
AT&T and Tiger Woods
AT&T said it would take Tiger back if he divorces and hangs out with the higher quality playboy bunnies. AT&T says famous and well respected actors do it that way.
2.5 Million Dollar Award
Family of husband slain by officer awarded $2.5 Million. Police stations around the US now receiving calls from women who claim husbands dangerous, have guns, come in shooting.
IAEA 'inspections' of Iranian facilities - 'another inspection, another drop'
Iran promises to allow more IAEA 'inspections'. Newsflash: IAEA inspector caught with super-secret nuke plans - "intended to use Iranian inspection sites as 'drop'."
IAEA 'up to no good'
IAEA exchanges Oil credit notes for super-secret plans held in its 'secure vaults' - Iran plans to build and launch a 'mini-me' low earth orbital platform for 'civilian purposes'.
Peter Moore (UK Hostage Secretly Held in Iran)
'IAEA arranged secret exchange of working plans for nuke triggers, 2,000 lbs of highly enriched uranium and 5.5 Kg of plutonium to secure release of Iranian held hostages'
Harold Wayne Buckmaster, CEO of Sunset Ladders, says that he will step down later this year.
Martha Stewart in trouble again as IRS says she may have been cooking the books.
Nice To Have Company
Frosty The Snowman agrees to hibernate with frozen Walt Disney between snows.
Guns Checked At Door
Rookie Republican representative states that machine gun he checked at entrance was only to protect him from Arab-looking cab driver. "Has nothing to do with the late Pelosi, I mean, Speaker Pelosi."
Armstrong Replaces Woods
Lance Armstrong replaces Tiger Woods as spokesman in ads for Nike. "That Lance has a lot on the ball", states company CEO.
Everybody's Wearing Shorts
Alaska's average temperature has risen two degrees in the past eight years. Most credit their recent Governor.
Principal Rejects Hearing
School Principal used inappropriate language say parents of kids at Band County High in Metropolis, Illinois and ask for meeting. "Balls to that! ESAD!" replies Joe Gherkins.
How About The Word "Dame"?
The Organization of the Politically Correct ask that "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" be changed to "The Man With His Head Below His Shoulders of Notre Dame"!
Looked At Me Funny
Teachers say that introverts do better at school, as extroverts tend to look out windows. Introverts also study deeply on lessons & how they will get revenge on you all.
Terrorist Mascot Appears
Scotty The Scanner reminds all adults and children, "Remember, only YOU can sometimes see somebody sneaking around with a bomb under his coat!"
Flat Out Getting It!
Scientist who attempted to hurl himself into the fourth dimension before camera becomes two-dimensional.
New poll shows that most Americans think the Apocalypse is very near, plus a dozen eggs may go up to $2.00.
Everybody Gets A Bailout
Congress changes new United States debt ceiling to Alpha Centauri. Screw the grandchildren!
Lots Of New Stamp Collecters
Postal Service lowers price of 1st class stamp to 35 cents if you buy their new 500 Nudes for $175.00
Rumor in Washington, DC, that Republicans have hired crew over Holiday break to built wall between them and Democrats in the House & Senate.
The CIA reports the finding of a dirty bum in planted in an alley way in NYC!
Barbed Wire Next?
Secretary of State Clinton says she will not approach the Israeli/Palestinian problem this year. "Not after getting a chair slammed over my head during the last scuffle.
SEXERCISE, the latest health rage to "Tsunami" the world!
Sexcercise till you drop-em, is the latest health rage medically proven for longivity, immortal youth, shiny hair and strong bones and a "f*****g" good time. Lets GET IT ON!
2010 here we CUM!
Only Goldbricks Here Could Be Military Staff
Fort Knox restates assets: Gold still worth $4 trillion. *Only half as many bars but each doubled in price this year.
*Always subject to the possibility that there has never been any gold here."
Stopped At Edge Of Crowd
New Year's Eve party in Times Square somewhat marred by arrival of 1,000 UPS agents on Segways.
Xerox Being Sued!
Xerox Company accused of copying government forms, book pages, maps, asses, infringing copyright laws.
Remarry In 6 Weeks
Couple who divorced after 20 years remarry just six weeks later. "Better the devil you know...", states wife.
Grey Britain: 280,000 Britons will be centenarians by 2050, unless prevented.
Scanners Don't Lie
Now UK to have body scanners at airports: It will mean longer queues for flights.. but you will be safer, a lot more modest.
So, What's Up Next?
It's New Year's Day and Valentine cards, candy, Easter eggs appear on the shelves at Tesco.
Swearing vicar resigns over 'barrack-room language'. Claims they have mixed him for ******* other vicar.
Didn't Even Slow Down
New year, same old binge Britain: Arctic weather fails to stop drunken revellers causing chaos on streets of UK, only adding snowball fights.
Did Americans get any healthier over past decade? Did the Chicago Cubs finally win a World Series? Did Castro finally croak?
Tiger Losing Sponsors
AT&T is the latest to end Tiger Woods sponsorship, right after Auto Safety Ads ends theirs.
Lots Of Jury Volunteers
China nabs 5,400 people for online porn in 2009 after downloading evidence for long trials.
Sea Lions Leaving
Fabulous San Francisco sea lions leave in droves. Those remaining say "Good riddance!"
Just Forget 2009!
Stocks fall sharply as investors close out 2009 drunk as skunks!
Same Old Washington
Obama begins new year with an eye on intelligence, his head up his ass!
Wasn't This Dems Condemnation Of Palin?
President Obama's pick to lead the TSA wrote to lawmakers to explain a reprimand he received for running background checks on his then-estranged wife's boyfriend, cousins and pets two decades ago.
Survived Squirrel Attack
GPS-led travel goes amiss as three Oregon parties rescued from auto up in tree.
Airport pat-downs often ineffective security stop. Yet, they are so popular among security searchers, they will probably remain.
Tweets, sexting "unfriended" in U.S. banned word list. Only used here as an example of what is banned. Won't use them again.
Willd Cleanse for two Months
Ultra-Orthodox Jews make rare visit to Gaza Strip pig farm.
Irish singer Van Morrison said Thursday that a computer hacker planted a false report on his Web site claiming he had fathered a fourth child at the age of 64 with a new partner. "I did it by myself."
Times Slashes Staff
Washington Times slashes staff; sports section out. Detroit says that's a good idea, also toss sports section.
NKorea Wants End To Hostility
North Korea calls for end of hostile relations with US until leader Kim gets his full collection of Warner Bros. cartoons.
Bicentennial Anxiety: Why Mexicans Are Wary of 2010. Revolutions in 1910, 1810. Reappearances of the Chupacabra.
Balckwater Case Thrown Out
Judge cites government missteps, tosses Blackwater case. Thankful his family is OK. Not that anyone would hurt them.
or bad advice - given to citizens to partake of natural spa water (in the Bath Pump room restaurant) and take hot baths and stay sober over New Year festivities.
Straw attacks hazy coppers
for being 'too horny' or lazy preferring the warmth of warm copper stations leaving citzenry to face winter wonderland with no copper cover.
"Just my iuck"
John Lock (LOST) gained a life when he took a bullet through his missing kidney, but was killed later by a rope to his neck ... but if his neck had been missing ...
U take the snobbery and I'll take the robbery
Confusion rained when 999 dispatcher confused "snobbery in progress" with "robbery in progress".
TSA Says 150 Full Body Scan Machines to be Deployed to US Airports Immediately
That has to be the fastest procurement of high tech equipment of all time. Is it possible public opinion was fashioned to make it a more acceptable proposition?
California Judge Rules Governor Can't Lay Off State Employees - Ever
So as the citizenry goes broke, the taxpayers will serve the civil servants, forever.
I thought Schwarzenegger was Austrian, not British.
Report to O'Bama Shows Inteliegence Agency Heads Lack Intelligence
Well, that can certainly be taken two ways.
CIA: Underwear Bomber Was Not Searched
It's True!! TSA Security Agents Failed to Play Rocket Fuel Pocket Pool on the artificially endowed little pyromaniac.
But then again, for $ 10/Hr....would you?
Cheertoff: This Is No Time for Scapegoating
Hmmm, I would have to say that comment is rather gratuitous.
O'Bama Summons Intelligence Chiefs to Washington
Moe, Curly and Larry are on the way.
U.S. Intelligence Community Still Correlating Info From 1955
It is anticipated that information on Israel's covert nuclear weapons development projects will be completed sometime next year. The CIA has tabulated info that Iran is importing Turkish 8mm Mausers
EveryTime a "Terrorist" Beats the US Security Net....
The agencies get more $$$ billions and tons more executives on the payroll. Just how motivated are they to make the security net actually work?
Why Women Pay More for Everything
Most salesmen are smooth, suave and great looking...........how do you think that would work on a man?
Xe (Blackwater) Freed From Iraqi Citizen Murder Charges.
Get special '00' license to kill status from M himself.
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