Spoof news snippets from January 2010
There were 3,102 spoof news snippets published in January 2010. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Sarah Palin Debuts on Fox News
"There is an obvious disconnect between when the neurons in my brain fire and raw sewage comes out of my mouth."
Latest Weather In Your Area.
Tips On How To Feel Sexy Naked?
Have sex. Naked.
Hamster Hammer Horror Sentence.
A boy who was forced by his mother to hammer his hamster to death, because of poor school results, has been told by courts to hammer his mother to death with a hamster.
The KKK Is Hurtin'
The Ku Klux Klan hit with economic woes announces that it has been forced to lay-off 100 racists.
Lou "I Sure Done Went And Stepped In It" Dobbs
Lou Dobbs, who is fast becoming the most forgotten man in America, was seen walking around his neighborhood in boxer shorts and mumbling to himself, "Okay, okay, they can all stay por favor."
The Nancy Grace - Madonna Feud Gets Closure?
Nancy Grace remarked that Madonna has just become a boring, bitter, old has-been bitch. Madonna replied that it takes one to know one. Great. Case closed. Next.
Arkansas Snapshots #01
The Arkansas Board of Education is instructing teachers to tell their students that grandparents will no longer be allowed to be brought in for 'Show & Tell.'
That's Wynonna Judd - With Double N's, Double D's, and Double Chins
Ashley Judd commented she is extremely concerned about her sister Wynonna's tremendous weight gain. She noted that Wy has become just like Kirstie Alley, except that she's pretty and she can sing.
The Bitchy Singer Still Known As Madonna
Madonna is getting rather bitchy in her old age. Her personal manager has suggested that she go in for a personality transplant.
The Lying Dick Cheney Has Left The Building
The reason that no one has heard from Dick Cheney in over two weeks is because he promised his grandmother that if he can't talk without lying, then he just won't talk.
The Memorable John "The Comb Over King" McCain
Senator John McCain was asked how his memory is. The Arizona senator replied, "My memory is just as good as it never was."
Arkansas Snapshots #13
The Arkansas Legislature has just announced a new law that makes the old habit of making sling shots out of grandma's old bras illegal.
Welcome To Sea World ("We Now Frisk")
Sea World of San Antonio reports that overnight someone broke into the Orca whale facility and stole one of its 15,000 pound Orca whales.
"Ey Goomba, Pizza Dis"
Due to the popularity of the MTV reality show, Jersey Shore, the state of New Jersey has just voted to make Italian the state's official language.
Is That The Artist Formerly Known As Flavor Flav?
Rapper Flavor Flav stated that in the interest of health and nutrition he will now be known as Diet Flavor Flav.
Hey, Didn't That Bro Used To Be Kanye West?
Kanye West wants Taylor Swift to apologize to him for causing his career to disappear like the sucker was never even here.
Is It Shirley Palin or Sarah Temple?
Sarah Palin says if one more person says her new curly locks hairdo looks silly, she is going back to Alaska and staying there forever...Oh that is too easy - Snowflake your hairdo looks silly.
Arkansas Snapshots #03
Arkansas has passed an ordinance making it illegal for a male resident to take his own cousin to the high school senior prom no matter how many of her children he may have fathered.
Arkansas Snapshots #10
Arkansas in order to present a more favorable impression to the rest of the states asks all of its residents to please remember that the state beverage is milk and not moonshine.
Arkansas Snapshots #17
Effective immediately all Arkansas teachers are asked to teach the students that the state insect is the honeybee and not the damn cockroach.
Arkansas Snapshots #14
Arkansas is spending thousands of dollars on billboards reminding women with 10 or more kids that birth control pills work much better when taken orally than when inserted into their joyboxes.
Don't Cry For Him Argentina
Argentina has just named South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford as its 2010 Tourist of The Year.
Arkansas Snapshots #04
The state of Arkansas has announced that the age old practice of trying to force dogs to mate with cats will no longer be tolerated, no matter how happy it may appear to make the dogs.
Arkansas Snapshots #12
Arkansas will no longer allow the practice of Kentucky Fried Chicken drive-thru's selling chicken feed.
Arkansas Snapshots #07
Arkansas restaurants will no longer be allowed to serve vegetable soup that contains possum eyes, squirrel nuts, or beaver lips.
Arkansas Snapshots #20
Arkansas wants to remind each one of its citizens that the state mineral is Quartz Crystal and not petrified razorback shit.
Arkansas Snapshots #18
Arkansas has started a billboard program which states that the state song is "Arkansas You Run Deep In Me" and not "The Hokey Pokey."
Arkansas Snapshots #05
The Arkansas school system will ask the teenage girls that they please refer to their breasts as breasts and not as 'Dem thangs dat my boyfriend likes to be suckin' on.'
Arkansas Snapshots #08
All Arkansas police officers will be asked to please start wearing their boxer shorts underneath their uniforms instead of over them.
Big Means Beautiful
So says Kirstie Allie.
Arkansas Snapshots #02
The Arkansas Department of Food and Nutrition has stated that cornbread will no longer be allowed to be used as a main course.
Arkansas Snapshots #06
The Arkansas Board of Health states that teenage boys will no longer be allowed to put a girl's kazoo in their mouth's without her permission.
It Could Be Kirstie Alley's Fault
Kirstie Alley, who weighs 385 pounds has been asked by Los Angeles city officials to please move to Nevada because her weight could upset the San Andreas Fault.
The Non-Dancing With The Stars Wynonna Judd
Hefty Wynonna Judd has been turned down as a contestant on this years edition of Dancing With The Stars. The producers are afraid that if Wy steps on a dancer, it's lights out and adios mutha!
Tiger "Mr. Golf Gate" Woods Is Still In The Rehab Center
Tiger Woods has told his rehab supervisor that he is very anxious to get back to playing golf so that he can start picking up easy white chicks again.
"Sir, Could You Speak Up A Smidgen?"
The featured speaker at The Delaware Home For The Deaf complained to the head organizer after his speech, that he kinda has the feeling that his speech may have fallen on deaf ears.
Mel Gibson Math - $1 Billion Divided By 2, and Then $½ Billion Divided By 2 (Again!)
Mel Gibson says that his brand new baby girl has his girlfriend's looks. (And her daddy's money!)
Mel, Mel, Mel, are you really that stupid dude? Sheeeesh!
Kate Moss Version Of Full English Breakfast Revealed
Small black coffee. No sugar. Cigarette.
Arkansas Snapshots #11
The Arkansas Legislature has just passed a bill that shotguns will no longer be allowed in church.
Arkansas Snapshots #09
The governor of Arkansas has issued a proclamation stating that beer will no longer be allowed as a lunch box beverage for students in grades 1 through 6.
The SS Toyota Recall
Toyota issues a massive recall. Owners are instructed to drive to Galveston where their car will be loaded on a ship and sent back to Japan.
The English Channel By Any Other Name...
The Chanel #5 Perfume Corp. has paid England £2,000,000 [$3.24 million U.S.] to legally change the name of the English Channel to The English Chanel #5.
No More Non-Selling Girl Scout Cookies
Due to extremely low sales numbers, the Girl Scout Organization will no longer be selling Girl Scout Cookies. Beginning next year they will instead sell Girl Scout Bottled Water.
The Town Known As New Haiti
Billionaire Talk Show Host Oprah Winfrey has offered to buy Haiti and move it to New Jersey.
Nut And Bolt Separate
Both said it was a wrench.
Ah Ms. (Joan) Rivers You Have To Quit Mumbling and Speak Up
Joan Rivers has had so many tummy tucks, that all of the fat is now starting to back up into her throat.
Arkansas Snapshots #16
The Arkansas Health Organization has stated that effective immediately all state sponsored blood drives will be used to collect blood and blood only; not ear wax, belly button lint, or sperm.
Pass Me The Bridge Please
California in an effort to bring in much-needed revenue has agreed to rename The Golden Gate Bridge, The Golden Grahams Gate Bridge.
Doing Hard Time
Consumer group warns against taking a double dose of Viagra, Cialis or Levitra: "You overdo it and you're in for some hard times", states pharmacist.
The Non-Academy Award Nominated Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton has been signed to star in The Elizabeth Hasselbeck Story. Hilton remarked that it is going to be hard practicing to talk without really making one damn bit of sense. Hmmm.
Law And Order Break Down In Post Quake Haiti
"If things get any worse, it'll be as bad as Detroit," Red Cross spokesman says.
"I Never Wanted To Be Famous."
Says cross dressing cage fighter Alex Reid from The Celebrity Big Brother House.
48 Million Americans Tuned in to Watch Obama's Speech on Wednesday
Within five minutes, 47.9 million had tuned out, giving their attention instead to texting or playing video games.
He's A Really Lousy Driver
Leading Japanese automaker gives CEO the finger of blame as new recall involving brake systems slows stock growth, gearshift-related recall puts company in reverse.
Arkansas Snapshots #15
Arkansas has just issued a mandate instructing that all of the state's firemen please ride in the fire truck instead of on their horse.
Bridge in Manchester Collapses
After learning of his ex fiances affair with John Terry, Wayne goes on a bender and passes out.
Cameron promises 'no swingeing cuts' in first year of Tory Government
But he can't promise there won't be any whinging cu*ts in first year of Tory Government.
Toyota Does Not Want Anyone To Panic
Toyota in an effort to avoid a nationwide panic issues the following directive: The automobile recall only affects those cars that are equipped with an accelerator pedal.
Paris Hilton: That's Just Yucky!
Paris Hilton heard someone mention the cliche 'you can bet your bottom dollar' and she asked why anyone would want to keep a dollar there.
Andy Murray in tears after Grand Slam
Brutal Roger leaves him red and weeping after 2 hours of punishment.
Speech Not Bad
We deserve these setbacks: Apologetic Obama tells America he's listening, but vows he won't quit in first State of the Union address. 13 standing ovations, 4 "You Lie!" and one thrown shoe.
Let's Do Another Take!
Wardrobe mishap during commercial leads Burger King to accidentally show off his Whopper!
'Razorback" Fan Arrested for Gross Sexual Misconduct at Home Coming Game!
Campus police found the athletic booster 'rooting around' in the panties of a cheerleader at half time under the stands. Claims he was only looking for 'Truffles' were discounted and he was booked.
Is That Susan Boyle with a yle?
Susan Boyle's manager suggested that perhaps she should change her last name to one that is not as harsh sounding. After going through dozens of names, the two agreed on the name Susan Wart.
Yeti Spotted at Lambeth Palace
A 10 foot hairy creature was spotted in the grounds of Lambeth Palace this morning. The creature was caught on CCTV. The Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, said that it was "an abomination!"
Where In The World Is Little Donnie (Rumsfeld?)
Former George W. Bush crony Donald Rumsfeld has stated that contrary to popular belief, he has not entered into the 'Witness Protection Program.'
Arkansas's Only Licensed House of Prostitution Files Chapter 11!
New Owners say problem was old branding: 'Hog Heaven" just didn't seem to draw anyone but family. New sign says it all: "Piggly Wiggly". Reservations now required.
Miss Arkansas 2010 Is A Moose
No, really. She really is a moose.
"I Am The Greatest!"
Number of Times Obama Refers to Himself in One Speech: 132! Beats the record of Mohammed Ali two hours before a fight in 1969.
Iris Robinson rushed to hospital.
New boyfriend Jack, 8lb 6oz, was born at 3.15am this morning.
"They're Very Fast"
With the speed of her pit crew, female race car driver Danica Patrick says she still hasn't caught the crew member who attempts to rotate her breasts at least once a race.
Liverpool Concede Late Goal At Stoke
Ain't that the Huth.
Earl Grey Issues Denial
"I was not the hacker responsible for the 'porn on billboards' debacle in downtown Moscow," he claims.
Arkansas Snapshots #19
The Arkansas Chamber of Commerce will conduct an ad promotion stating that Arkansas is the Trout Capital of The USA and not the Trouser Trout Capital of The USA.
Middle East Breakthrough
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has achieved one breakthrough in the Middle East problem. Both Arabs and Jews now hate her more than each other.
I'm Here to Help Me Get Reelected
President Obama will help the middle class with new aid plans. Americans want the government to help them by taking its hands out of their pockets, stop spending, reduce taxes and eliminate deficits!
New Climate Change Theory
Environmentalists have found that the cause of climate change/global warming is because the Sun revolves around planet Earth.
Astronomer Says Aliens May Not Be Friendly
Okay then, let's not ask them to be our friends on Facebook.
Arkansas Snippet Fiends Surrounded By State Troopers
Illinois State Troopers surround Moorview Institute in Springfield Illinois. Da J-Man shouts: "Come and get me copper!"
Global Warming a Problem?
You bet, because we don't have enough of it right now. Brrrrr . . .
Arkansas Plans #15
"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" If someone strange see you picking up something dead on the road, pretend you're going to bury it.
What's in a Name?
NASA says its Mars Rover will no longer rove. It will stay in one place.
You Knew it was Coming
Loony left USA hater Danny Glover "blames global warming for the Haiti earthquake!" He added, the hot air & harmful gases are being generated by House Speaker Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Reid.
Still Embarrassed by Bill Clinton, Democratic Congress Passes Stimulus to Finally 'Killl Bill"
Obama promises to fund overhead hi speed rail and raised interstate highway so citizens can pass through state without having their wives and children molested.
The Pope Claims That the Cold Spell Is Work of Devil
Speaking from the Vatican today, the Pope blames the devil for the European cold snap. He says that people will be queueing up to spend eternity in the relatively warm atmosphere of hell.
Microsoft Are Mad! (As in angry)
Computer giants, Microsoft, are quite 'miffed' at having to produce 103-character keyboards now that a new character called Sarcmark is to be introduced, denoting when a writer is being sarcastic!
Miss Piggy Still Most Popular Icon in Arkansas!
Life long residents still confidant she'll give up Secretary of State Position to take on Obama in 2012!
Arkansas Tolerates Mutants
"We don't have a choice," Spokesman says. "If'n we gut rid of the mutants they'd be nobody left heah."
Editor Mark Lowton said "it's Lights Out for The Spoof!"
He'll be pulling maintainace on the site this week while contributors hold their breath. Last week Mark fixed things and readership dropped off 33%.
One writer lost 15 lbs. living off just Snippets.
Spoof Readership So Low, Writers Check in for Rehab!
48 writers and their fans have checked into The Moorview Institute for R&R suffering from Spoof Withdrawal. "At least we can sit around and laugh at ourselves, no sense crying over toasted cheese."
Bureau Takes 5 for Tea....Overhauled by Snippet Co-op!
A cabal of 123 Spoof Writers, creating Snippets non stop for Snippet Thursday, announced they have finally Surpassed The King of Snippets...by One! "Fucking guy is lazy - you snooze you lose!" Said one.
Michelle On The Trail
Michelle Obama jumps into budget process; Support for military families, whose husbands, wives were supposed to be back home by now, according to husband while running for president.
John Gray, writer of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" writing new book for teens called, "How To Get To First Base On Venus".
Richards Using Drugs
Keith Richards admits to using Performance Enhancing Drugs. "I have to. I've been dead for a year and a half."
I see London, I see France . . .
. . . I see Venus Williams' underpants.
Not for the Fainthearted
Veterinary Scientists in Oxford have successfully crosseda Spitz and a Chow-Chow. The new breed is a Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.
After Snippet Blitzkrieg Exhasusted Spoofers Ask: What's Up for Friday?
According to an internal memo, Spoof Editor Mark Lowton informed dedicated writers to 'relax, have a beer & a pickled egg, and 'blow off steam'.
Obama Dazed and Confused after Speech: Caught on Live Mike!
" Who writes this shit" he said , " we need him on the Team. He's so good I'm beginning to believe it myself!" Investigations are underway to uncover the real identity of Spoof Writer Chamone.
AIG Buys US Health Care Industry
AIG has purchased the entire US health care industry and plans to have Timothy Geithner head a huge single payer system. Congressional approval is necessary, leaving Pelosi and Reid speechless.
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