Spoof news snippets from Monday 8 February 2010
The CIA have found the source of many crop circles in Kansas, Iowa area. A farmer who loves playing jokes has purchased himself a new John Deere'Protractor.
Merchants in Islamabad, Pakistan say they are having trouble doing their inventories because of the Taliban.
Nudist Colony Peepers
In Miami, Florida a hole has been bored into a wall at the nudist colony there. Miami Police are looking into it.
White Hart Inn in Bedwas
First to serve up SNOWMAGEDDON cocktails during 'happy Obama hour'.
SAINTS WIN SUPER BOWL
In a totally unexpected upset, the Saints won the Super Bowl yesterday. Veteran quarterback St. Peter led the team in a 31-17 victory over the infidel colts with the help of right tackle St. Anthony.
A Secret Federal Report
has concluded that if a nuke device goes off in downtown Washington it will, prior to detonation, be driven to a street near Congress in a white van. Obama's solution: paint all white vans blue.
WAshington Dc ->
Stuck in a snow-warp, a trillian trillian ice-crystals from normality, and a President that doesn't understand the difference between ... well, anything really.
New English Voting Law Changes Announced
Following the English Parliament's ruling on pregnancy tests for 11 year old school girls Secretary of State for Health, Andy Burnham said "...and they will also be given the vote!"
New Stevens Album
Yusuf Islam or "Cat Stevens" putting out a new album, "Tabby Or Not Tabby!"
The Cat Came Back
Yusuf Islam or "Cat Stevens" putting out a new album, "Got Mouse?"
Or "The Hump Song"
Old Rock Group Three Dog Night may reunite and put out a new version of "She's Got Legs"
Old Rock Group Three Dog Night may reunite and put out a new version of "Live It Up, Lap It Up!"
New Key Beer To Hit Market
Scottish & Newcastle UK have come up with a Scottish version of Newcastle Brown Ale called Nookie Broon - with the added ingredient of 1000mg per ml of Viagra/Testosterone. Coming soon.
Big Favorite Among Fans
Old Rock Group Three Dog Night may reunite and put out a new version of "Will Ye Go, Lassie, Go?"
You Are What You Eat
It has been rumoured that Gordon Brown has begun to eat nine bananas a day after being given a book for Christmas called "You Are What You Eat" by Gillian McKeith.
Three Dog Night
Old Rock Group Three Dog Night may reunite and put out a new version of "Don't Forget (to stop and smell the piles along the way").
Gore Going Mad As A Hatter
Al Gore still having mental problems according to Tipper. "Now, not only does he run outside a& shake his fist at snowflakes, he says we will soon be in a parallel universe where he is president.
Headed For Higher Wages At Mickey D's
Unemployment may reach 11% in February numbers as over 100,000 Elvis Impersonators, mimes, rodeo and circus clowns laid off.
Gordon Brown Turns Cannibal
Gordon Brown, is on a health-drive and is eating no less than nine bananas a day. This is PURE CANNIBALISM. Likewise David Cameron is tucking into nuts & Nick Clegg is endulging in Crackers.
Post Office Cuts
U.S Postal Service may cut down to three days per week, Monday, Wednesday and Fridays, except for holidays, of course.
Help Haiti charity single release put on ice, Rod Stewarts hair wasn't right!
Simon Cowells dream of a Nr1 single has been torpedoed by Rod Stewart who complained his hair was not styled properly, it made his nose look too big, Simon is distraught and proves "Everybody Hurts"
Why Don't Tesco Do Something More Useful?
Tesco, have banned a man from carrying his daughter on his shoulders from entering the store - yet they don't forbid old lady for carrying a £100,000 plate from a Royal tea set in a Tesco carrier bag.
150 Year Old President of Freedonia, Rufus T. Firefly, Passes Away
Duck Soup to be served at funeral luncheon.
Jimmy Cracked Corn....
...and I still don't care.
Taylor Swift Lingerie Secrets Revealed
She still wears the same training bras that her mother bought her when she was eleven.
Twilight Star Kristen Stewart Reveals Wedding Plans
There is no prospective groom, but it is never to early for a girl to start planning her wedding!
Autopsy Reveals Michael Jackson's Missing Nose Was Attached to Penis
Apparently, he enjoyed sniffing around down there.
Killing rats on Aussie TV celeb Jungle shows is forbidden!
An Aussie Celeb jungle TV show has been fined by the RSPCA for letting its Celebs kill a rat and eat it, their answer was, "better the rat than eating each other!" Strange people these Aussies!
Toyota Issue Free Bumper Sticker
"My Other Car Stops When I Brake."
Reason for There Being so Many Politicians in Australia Found
As ITV found to its cost (£1600 to be precise) it is illegal to kill a rat in Australia. "Now the bloody country is overrun with the little blighters." according to unnamable Aboriginal tribesmen
Rock Group "Vaginal Discharge" Told Band's Name Will Not Be Used On Television
The word "discharge" is too close to "you're fired," and Donald Trump has already copyrighted that.
Go Daddy Has Sexiest Super Bowl Commercials Again
Only people attracted to Chelsea Clinton were turned on by the Clydesdales.
Prison Raffle Popular
Prisoners are entering a raffle competition, with a first prize of a day out. "If I win, I'm going inside some other bars", states hopeful inmate.
Obama Girls Upset With Father Over Health Care Plan
Pimple creams are apparently not covered by Universal Health Care.
Reggie Bush a Non-Factor in Saints Super Bowl Victory
That pretty much describes his whole post USC career.
Regis Philbin Scheduled For Bypass Surgery
Now, words will go straight out of his mouth without passing through his brain first.
Fan enjoyment of commercials prompts NFL to make change for next year
"Instead of a halftime concert, we'll just show more Clydesdales and Dorito's ads."
Girl Arrested For Doodling In Class
Police say she should have been "diddleing" her teachers like the other students.
Leno, Letterman, and Oprah Appear On Couch Together In Super Bowl Ad
It was a reverse oreo.
Ushers at Super Bowl Say It's Apparent Alzheimer's Has Struck The Who
"We should start calling them the question they kept asking, The Who Am I?"
John Terry and Tiger Woods Offer Joint Explanation For Multiple Infidelities
"Damn, how could you not want to hit that!"
Space Shuttle Blast Into Space in Evening Lift Off
Floriday partiers thought that it was just more post-Super Bowl fireworks.
The Who Perform Last Concert At Super Bowl
Starting next week, they become the "Help, I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up."
Toyota to Recall 300,000 Priuses
"We want to give the car a new name that doesn't sound so gay, and that people can actually spell."
One-Armed Bandit Not Greedy!
A one-armed man stole a single gold cufflink from a jewellers shop in Leigh-on-Sea, Essex, today. Police say; "the man is not quite armless, but certainly not greedy." They have nicknamed him 'Andy'.
Joseph Addai was probably MVP for Indy Colts in Super Bowl Loss
When the Colts running back is their best player, you know that pass happy Indianapolis lost the game.
On Sides Kick and Interception Return Were Difference Makers In Super Bowl
The commercials had nothing to do with it.
General Sherman's Looking a Little Pale!
Bird makes safe landing after hitting airplane. Takes scare out on park statue.
But It Was Close
Fox News finishes second only to TheSpoof in news accuracy!
It Was On The Obama Cable Channel
President Obama's constant talking allowed him to slip up again in yesterday's interview, mentioning troops in Yemen.
Cats No Good At Bomb Sniffing
Cats no good at bomb-sniffing say experts after running tests. "They'd rather clean their butts", says scientist. "Of course, I'd rather scratch my balls, myself."
Edwards Sex Tape Safe
Judge says John Edwards sex tapes have been given to the National Enquirer for safe-keeping until needed. Promised that they won't look.
Infertility Passed Down For Generations
IVF fathers could pass infertility on to sons. But, of course, they don't have any, do they?
Acid Can Be Rough
Acid syringe 'could spell an end to dentist's drill', patients tongue, gums.
"I Cried Because I Had No Clues"
Emotional Alastair Campbell breaks down in TV interview on Iraq war 'dodgy dossier'
The town where pupils speak 150 different languages divided over some kind of misunderstanding.
"Knew It Was Something"
British astronaut blasts into orbit to fit a room with a view onto space station, forgets his tools.
Chinese Discover over 3,000 Dinosaur Footprints
After the discovery of 3,000 dinosaur footprints in China, all pointing in one direction, believe that they have found a new species; just ONE monster which had 750 legs. A giant millipede perhaps?
Celebrity Rat Eaters
ITV fined £2,000 after rat is killed and eaten on 'I'm A Celebrity, I Eat Rats'!
Brakes Still Sticking
Now crisis-hit Toyota is poised to recall 270,000 Prius models. Object to people beginning to call it the Toyota Kamikaze!
Tesco Going Nuts?
Tesco bans father from carrying his daughter on his shoulders. Daughter punches manager in the nuts.
'Secretive, power-hoarding, controlling', mother wears combat boots: Cameron launches highly personal attack on Brown.
Passengers left stunned after Muslim bus driver pulls over and begins praying in the aisle. Flee bus in a panic screaming "Bomb!"
May Wait For Summer
-6C temperatures . . . and snow's on the way as the big freeze returns to Britain. Global Warming supporters still won't show themselves.
Dialect Gone Forever?
Ancient dialect extinct after last speaker dies. "If only we still had Andy Kaufman", say linguists.
"WHO Are You?"
Pete Townshend: Nice to be part of spectacle, after seeing the old fart on the big screens.
Swine Flu Epidemic?
Is the US swine flu epidemic over? Did we ever have one? French say 'Oui Oui"
I. P. Freely: About These Drugs
Even if you're careful, drugs can end up in water, every time you take a whiz.
"That Deaf, Dumb & Blind Kid"
Obama adviser: Stop criticizing anti-terror effort once we finally get one in place.
"Meet The New Boss, Same As The Old Boss!"
Obama hasn't ruled out NY trial for 9/11 planner. Could use US Army to surround building. Might speak to jury for a couple of hours.
Toyota's Powerful Friends
THE INFLUENCE GAME: Toyota's powerful and recently very wealthy DC friends.
Korean Talks Begin
North Korea threatens South amid push to restart talks, screaming arguments, fist fights for peace.
French Sell Warship
France agrees to sell Russia advanced warship. "We'll never use it anyway."
Super Bowl TV spot brings Leno, Letterman together, but separates Peyton Manning from his receivers.
Saints Go Marching In
Saints win 1st NFL title by beating Colts 31-17! Ghost of Louie Armstrong seen leading funeral on Bourbon Street.
Strike Migration Rules Imposed
Australia tightens skilled migration rules. Birds can only fly over certain areas.
Costa Rica elects 1st woman president in landslide. Invites Stevie Nicks to victory celebration.
Drinking Water Full Of Drugs
Study links sugary soft drinks to pancreas cancer, too much beer to liver problems. Recommend bourbon on the rocks.
Super Bowl/New Orleans Party
Saints win 1st NFL title by beating Colts 31-17. New Orleans say they might celebrate a bit.
New Orleans Wins Super Bowl
Saints win 1st NFL title by beating Colts 31-17! Drew Brees is the Pinball Wizard!
New Orleans Finally Wins
Saints win 1st NFL title by beating Colts 31-17. Fans still wondering WHO old guys were at halftime.
'Historic' snow strands countless in Mid-Atlantic. Ships on their way to pick them up.
New Orleans: "We Won't Be Fooled Again"
Space shuttle blasts off on last night flight. Would have been a nice halftime show at Super Bowl but they had to wait.
Shuttle Blasts Off
Space shuttle blasts off on last night flight. Apologize to anyone left behind but they had a window of opportunity.
Obama Comments about Inviting Republicans to a Half-day Bipartisan Summit on Health Care
"I can only put up with Republicans for half a day."
NASA Says Shuttle Launch Was Delayed until Monday Because of Bad Weather
No way. The delay was due to the fact that astronauts wanted to attend Super Bowl parties.
The Who, that's who. The English band rocked Super Bowl crowds!
This weekend, you are not the No. 1 movie in the U. S. and Canada. That would be me. Love and Kisses, "Dear John"
Oregon Orangutan, Kutai, Is Now In Protective Custody
He had predicted that the Colts would win the Super Bowl. Many gamblers acted on his prediction and are now out to get him.
Deport 99% Of Them
Native Americans ask for deportation of 300 million illegal aliens except for those who can work at casinos.
"Next Stop Is Vietnam!"
Country Joe McDonald and the Fish reunite to do new version of "Carp & Sole, I Fell In Love With You"
"1,2,3 What Are We Fightin' For?"
Country Joe McDonald and the Fish reunite to do new version of "Salmon Sez"
"Gonna Have A Whole Lot Of Fun"
Country Joe McDonald and the Fish reunite to do new version of "Mackerel The Knife".
Former Vice President Al Gore blames the record snow falls occurring in east coast states on global warming. He made the statement from his villa in the Bahamas, where he jetted to for the weekend.
President Obama's Press Conference
Presidential Press Secretary Gibbs passed out a paper to reporters describing the president's accomplishments during the last year. The FOX News Channel reporter asked why the page was blank?
Did you ever notice that when you begin a task there are at least ten watchers to make sure the job is done correctly, but no one to help you?
Imaginary Energy Production
President Obama trots out clean coal, nuclear power & off-shore oil drilling to placate Republicans. His Democratic loony left wing base desires only totally imaginary "green" sources by yesterday.
Fish and Spinach
UK Nutrition Minister bans the eating of salty, greasy fish and chips throughout Britain. Pub patrons revolt and hang him in effigy after discovering he wants to substitute oily fish and spinach.
Department of Energy Proposal
The DOE has announced that if 150 million Americans have intercourse every evening, 5.0 trillion kwhrs of "green" electrical energy will be generated. Do your patriotic duty!
Born Loser Club Nominates Officers
A born loser is defined as a person who falls into a barrel of tits and comes up sucking his/her thumb! Prospective nominees are Congressman Barney Frank, House Speaker Pelosi and John Edwards.
Asphalt Shortage Resolved
There is currently a shortage of asphalt to pave the nation's roads. Washington DC politicians have agreed to do something creative by furnishing all their bullshit to alleviate the situation.
A Word about Gridlock
Washington DC political gridlock keeps both Democrats and Republicans out of your kitchens, bedrooms and pockets!
A Hare Raising Thought
There are some "green" energy advocates who actually believe that if the "Energizer Bunny" multiplies like a rabbit, the USA's power problems are solved!
Sexually Transmitted Disease Prevention
The recession has caused condom sales to drop and STD rates to increase. A new study recommends that males who can't afford condoms employ several layers of duct tape.
New FDA Method to Control Obesity
FDA to add harmless nano-robots, with big teeth, to food packages containing items such as potato chips. If the consumer eats more than a single serving a nano-robot will bite him or her on the butt.
Mid-Term Election Literature
Democratic Congressmen try to convince voters to reelect them in 2010 mid-term elections, on their performance. Voters are leery, as the campaign literature is printed on recycled horse poop paper.
Food Purveyors Strike Back
The food police were dealt a heavy blow this week when KFC gave them the bird and NABISCO gave them the lady finger!
Buddy can you spare a Trillion for a cup of Coffee
President Obama said "Let me be clear, I am not going to walk away from health reform." He then flew to Hawaii for a vacation & to figure out how to spend to the new $1.9 trillion debt limit.
EPA issues a regulation mandating that snow must be allowed to melt in place, to avoid spoiling the environment. Congress & the president plan to move government functions to Hawaii, except the EPA.
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