Spoof news snippets from Sunday 7 February 2010
Either you give me that drink......
Roman Abramovich = Or I'm Barman Havoc
Delusions of majesty?
Roman Abramovich = Bravo I'm A Monarch
Mother's quite good on the old mouth organ!
Roman Abramovich = Bravo Harmonic Ma
IVF gang amulet?
Roman Abramovich = Ovarian Mob Charm
Dodgy family stuff going on?
Winter Olympics = Imply Incest Row
Cunning kinda lobotomy
Winter Olympics = Wily Cretinism Op
How to Make Obama
Add two tablespoons of snow to 2 fluid ounces of Armageddon. Mix and place in a freezer for 30 mins. Out pops President Obama - unless he's at a behind-closed doors meeting.
Breastroke for fatties?
Winter Olympics = Nice Portly Swim
Obama's Health Care Plan Renamed
Winter Olympics = Impotency Swirl
Drinks Bar on DC's DuPont Circle renames itself "SNOWMAGEDDON" - hopes to take Boston's "Cheers" crown.
Be Afriad - as opposed to "VERY Afraid".
"End of Time or a spine chilling tail to tell future offspring over a cup of hot chocolate in front of a fire place in coldest darkest winter?"
Winter Olympics = Wily Incest Romp
Washington, DC - airports, train-stations closed ...
"U can check out any time you like, but you can never leave." (Quote from "Hotel California" by the Eagles).
Washington, DC's "snowmageddon"
related to T-Rex.
Plumber touting for business?
Antiques Roadshow = Shows A Drain Quote
Pig in a poke?
Antiques Roadshow = Question A Hard Sow
Her silent partner?
Antiques Roadshow = Nora's Quiet Shadow
Hidden glittery stuff
Antiques Roadshow = Stow A Sequin Hoard
Looking for a new style
Antiques Roadshow = Now A Hairdos Quest
Copenhagen climate summit cited
Antiques Roadshow = Quotes A Danish Row
Argument about old stuff
Antiques Roadshow = Had A Questions Row
One West End parking ticket too many
Antiques ERoadshow = A Soho Warden Quits
Antiques Roadshow = Squashed A Two Iron
Year of the Cow
Year of the Tiger = Target Yo Heifer
Southwest Jalapeno Farmer Produces Protective Spray for Chickens on the Run
"FoxBuster" a Jalapeno extract based spray that can be used by not just one chicken, but groups of the cacklers all at once. The spray is applied as a rear end covering.
No Threat to the Royal Navy
Year of the Tiger = Toy Frigate Here
Large table booked
Year of the Tiger = Eight For Eatery
Something disgusting on the stage?
Yeasr of the Tiger = Fie, Theatre Orgy
year of the Tiger = There, Fiery Goat!
Enemy of tradition?
Year of the Tiger = Try Heritage Foe
Plumage knots blamed
Year of the Tiger = Feather Tie Orgy
Until 2020 it will keep its original name
Year of the Tiger = Thereafter Yogi
Crack Emerges as Tea Party Convenes
Tea ran out early, crack used by many as Palin speech begins.
Danica Has Scare in Debut
Almost loses her $ 2M Appearance fee check.
Great Dancing Neanderthals!
Computer model of Neanderthal hand shows equal dexterity with modern man. "They could have done the Hand Jive with 'Way-Out Willie'!"
You Mean That Michael Jackson Kid?
At the Casino Hotel in Cherokee, North Carolina yesterday, Chief "One-Armed Bandit" apologizes for bedbugs in rooms. "You give us blankets with Smallpox."
Sumpreme Court Gay Marriage Ruling
The Supreme Court to make final ruling on gay marriages just as soon as justices David Souter and Clarence Thomas get back from their honeymoon.
Carrie Underwood Gets to Meet Super Bowl Players Personally
Visited each and every one in their hotel rooms last night. Players whooped.
Chinese New year = Yea, he screw nine
#5 Already Campaigning
President Barack Obama is the fourth president in a row to receive the Darwin Award.
Chinese New Year = Nice Hyena Sewer
Quite A Show!
Barack Obama embarrasses Michelle and her mother at Super Bowl Party as he falls on the floor and holds his breath until he turns blue, over not getting health care bill.
Year of the Dog?
Chinese New Year = Yes! Canine? Where?
Why China Doesn't Follow U.S.'s Lead
Not on Israel's short leash.
Sage wishes it was the Year of the Rooster!
Chinese New Year = Wiseacre Hen Yen
"Give Me An F!"
Country Joe McDonald and the Fish reunite to create a new dance called, "It Was The The Lobster Mash"
Beijing aunt's kids all over the place?
Chionese New Year = Nieces Anywhere
"What's That Spell?"
Country Joe McDonald and the Fish reunite to do new version of old favorite, "Who Knows Whale Or When"
Russian Research Institute Says "Russia Primitive, Putin Sucks"
Putin Responds to Research Institute Head:
"Accordingly, your grave will be a primitive one."
Fish Are Back
Country Joe McDonald and the Fish reunite to do new version of "I'm A Sole Man!"
New Security Measure
New machines capable of soul recognition being installed at most airports.
Obama Issues New Orders
President Obama warns that war may heat up in Afghanistan. Orders all embedded weathermen to leave.
Cheney Warns Obama
Former VP Dick Cheney once again admonishes President about the army. "They need to be in an oil country like Iraq, not Afghanistan, you big Dipstick!"
Alastair Campbell Comes Out of Closet
Announces he and Tony Blair have been giving each other quickies for years.
Bill O'Reilly converts to the Whirling Dervishes after finally learn to spin.
Man Sues Hospital
Hospital mistakenly removes patient's mojo. Plans to sue after wife, friends leave him.
"I'm Still Here!"
Osama Bin Laden makes surprise commercial for the Super Bowl.
Almost as nerve shreddingly exciting as Stockport County v Accrington Stanley on a wet Wednesday night in November. Almost...
Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend
Superbowl victors receive diamond rings. Not medals. And they have the nerve to describe real football as "gay"
And the UK is TOTALLY underwhelmed...
Superbowl Getting Really Interesting
That is, providing you believe all the overblown hype.
John Terry gives his wife chocolates Terrys All Gold
John Terry gives wife chocs Terrys All Gold
While Terrys wife decides to sell all her Gold
"And Then Hee Hee, You Shot ME!"
US FBI agent arrests CIA agent trying to arrest him. Two have a laugh, head for hospital.
Can't Get Here Anyway
'Snowmageddon' brings chaos to U.S. East Coast as Washington DC braces itself for worst blizzard in 90 years. Al Gore NOT invited to Super Bowl party.
France May Be Right
Armed robbers disguised in burkhas carry out £4,000 raid! French: See! No burkhas!
New NHS Rule
Headmistress goes back to school...7 hours after giving birth. Screams at students.
Lakers Win Without Bryant
Bryant out but Lakers beat the blazes out of the Blazers 99-82.
Nine New Members
Smith, Rice, Tareq and Michaele Salahi, lead nine new members into Footballs Hall Of Fame!
Sheen Is Innocent
Police: Sheen vehicle stolen, crashed in ravine. Sheen proves he wasn't driving, shows police ticket for drunk driving his other car at the right time. "Can't be at two places at once", claims Sheen.
Feds: Status of pika will still need watching. "What's a pika?"
Whalers, activists clash again off Antarctica. Whale whisperer say whales laughing their barnacles off.
NASA Watching India
India successfully tests nuclear-capable missile. NASA may outsource some shuttle flights.
India's Launch Successful
India successfully tests nuclear-capable missile that misses the ocean. Korea's Kim Pissed.
Toyota Seeing Long Lines
Toyota drivers pull in for repair; Prius fix looms next. "We'll be boockkk!"
Pleased As Punch
Obama seeks to rally glum Dems amid GOP challenges by putting Zoloft into punch at Super Bowl Party.
Obama Seeking Dems To Rally
Obama seeks to rally glum Dems amid GOP challenges, brings in strippers to Super Bowl Party.
Jacko's Doc did it, but only for "humanitarian" reasons!
Doc Murray did actually give Michael an overdose but he pleads not guilty because, just like shooting a wounded horse, he only wanted to put Jacko out of his misery!
News From The (Blueberry) Hill!
Fats Domino replaces Nagin as New Orleans mayor. "I've found my thrill", says old rocker.
Clouds Delay Launch
Clouds that force space launch delay turns out to be from grills that came from Super Bowl party started early. Ship will be launched Monday.
Gates After Iran
Gates says it's not too late for Iran sanctions. Threatens to turn single soldiers loose on 72 virgins!
Sarah Palin assails Obama at 'tea party' gathering, with the more radicals screaming, "Off with their heads!"
Two Party System At Work
Sarah Palin assails Obama at 'tea party' gathering. Looks like it might come down to "Tea Party" vs "Beer Conference" in 2012.
Tea Partiers Need Plac To Pee
Sarah Palin assails Obama at 'tea party' gathering. Only few complaints, mostly about there not being enough port-a-potties to get rid of the tea.
Tea Party Went Well
Sarah Palin assails Obama at 'tea party' gathering. "We're mad as hatters and we're not going to take it anymore!"
Tea Party Protester Thrown Out
Sarah Palin assails Obama at 'tea party' gathering. Obama supporter thrown out that kept yelling "Treacle!"
Likelihood of New Madrid quake causes controversy, the weak tremors.
City Owes Firefighters
City could owe firefighters more than $1M. May hold a huge fire sale.
Smirnoff On Super Bowl
"Dancing with the Stars'" Karina Smirnoff said Saturday she won't reveal who she wants to win the Super Bowl because she doesn't know who is going to be on the show next season, nor who's playing."
Haitian Lawyer Fired
Haitian lawyer for jailed US missionaries fired. Fire put out quickly as he blames voodoo chief.
Super Bowl At White House
Super Bowl Sunday at the White House! "And while you're all here, I'd like to discuss my health care plan. Pass the chips."
You Are Out!
La. lt. gov. replaces Nagin as New Orleans mayor. Nagin: "Say what?"
Mid-Atlantic plows, digs out an epic buzzard. I'm sorry, that should be "digs out of epic blizzard."
Thousands of dinosaur footprints uncovered in China. Army and police immediately on their trail with bloodhounds.
Palin Bashes Obama
Sarah Palin assails Obama at 'tea party' gathering. "That's what he gets from showing up here!"
Action By Japan
Toyota to announce action soon for Prius hybrids. "Shouldn't be too many fatalities until then."
Another Illinois Dem Revealed as Criminal Deadbeat
Scott Cohen, formerly a Pawnbroker, now Lt. Governor says he never held a knife to his girlfriend's throat and she wasn't a prostitute while working for ACORN.
Debt Crisis Unsettles Euopean Economy
No problem. Just borrow another $ 2T like the US , then we can swap the notes twice at a 50% discount and POOF! 75% of the debt is gone!
Afghan Police Commander Arrested on Corruption Charges
Pleads "Not Guilty" because payoffs from the CIA aren't bribes, he's oficially on their payroll as well.
O'Bomba Says His Party is Despondent ; Dazed & Confused
Orders all Dems to begin taking Prozac; Prepares new Speech, "GOP Policies We Can Believe In"
Jerry Rice and Emmitt Smith Elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame
Terrific contestants on "Dancing with the Stars," they are now busy preparing their acceptance dances for the Hall of Fame induction ceremony to be held in Canton on Aug. 7.
Snow paralyzes Wash., D. C.
But it's not the only thing paralyzing the U.S. capital.
Former VP Candidate John Edwards
has an X-file.
Alien Nations have "behind closed doors" meeting
in the White House - contrary to President Obama's stated goal of more open government.
Gordon Brown's mum made lots of Rhubarb Pie using
aluminum pots instead of aluminium pots.
New Chinse Super-Weapon challenges Nuke Dominance
Chinese invent "cold weapon" - test fires it on Eastern Seaboard - Washington, DC cut-off from the world.
"Weather Weapon" beamed on Washington DC
Snow everywhere, snowball fights on DuPont Circle, skiing along Pennsylvania Avenue, and President Obama stuck in the White House - literally. Pentagon: "snowed in".
"The Facebook Wars"
nothing to do with "The Amtrak Wars" by Patrick Tiley
Climate Scientist Phil Jones reveals that he was so traumatised by the backlash against him that he considered
mowing his front lawn.
Palin to Whitehouse: "You Better Start Listening"
O'Bomba: "Well Nancy, are we ready for a Vote on my O'BombaCare Bill yet?"
12 Year Old NYC Junior High School Girls Arrested for doodling
Taken away in handcuffs by large cops.
Arresting Officers Names were Gary Sextant and Kid Glitter.
Susan Boyle Ugly
A top researcher at the center for Disgusting Things has revealed his latest findings, which prove conclusively that Susan Boyle is uglier than a bag of smashed assholes.
Oprah Laid Back
Oprah just doesn't care much for appearance since announcing the program's ending. Forgot her wig yesterday, bald as an eagle.
President Obama to go to Indian tribes this summer and apologize for taking everything they had and killing most of them off. Should be quite a speech.
Osama Matches Offer
In his latest video, Osama Bin Laden offers to match any reward money the US is offering anyone who finds him. "Plus you'll still keep your head."
Scientific breakthrough allows human fat to be recycled to other areas. Get ready for the bigger penis e-mails.
A man who was shot nine times in the chest but refused treatment died today.
Teen Prostitutes Flocking to Super Bowl
Bigger crowds without tickets expected.
Obama Asks About the Bird
President Obama held a Press Conference today to ask if Americans "had, indeed, hear about the Bird?"
Palin: America Ready for Another Revolution
Lets' see... headed by Republican Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin!
O'Bomba Tries to Rally Remaining Party Faithful
All half dozen of them
Emma Watson - English Rose
Each petal worth a "Cool Luke".
Get Spoof News in your email inbox!