Spoof news snippets from Thursday 4 February 2010
Memory man forgets book
Robert Jones's memory got so bad he went out and bought a book
called DYNAMIC MEMORY TECHNIQUES but when he got home he forgot where he put it.
President Obama shifts focus to jobs. "Our new healthcare plan will help produce more jobs because many will claim disabilities to draw a check and therefore open up jobs for others."
Pot Calls Kettle Black
Both Republicans & Democrats in the US Senate blame most of Haiti's problems on voodoo economics.
Obama At Super Bowl?
President Obama is finally talked out of making a halftime speech at Super Bowl. Instead, will have interview with Katie Couric just before game.
Obama: Say What?
Leader of Kuwait crowd who cheered on US troops coming into Baghdad six years ago says they have yet to be paid.
Wheels Of Justice...
US Drone rocket takes out Saddam Hussein's apple polisher and food taster this morning.
Hair Of The Dog
Jeff Foxworthy says that it's hard to be a stand up comedian. "I got to limber up with a few redneck jokes before I shave or I'll get the shakes so bad, I cut myself.
Scream Last Thing Heard
NASA admits that Mars Rover may be refusing to talk because it accidentally ran over the last Martian.
He'd Have An Interpreter
After wrestler, clown elected, Minnesota now considering first signing gorilla for Senator.
Al-Jazeera Plans Big Week
Al-Jazeera planning to show old home movies of the bin Laden family plus American Presidential Bloopers during sweeps week.
Rosie O'Donnell says Santa is a woman! "A man simply would not give a hoot if you were naughty or nice, probably prefer you naughty."
Rand Paul For Senator
Rand Paul, son of Ron Paul, makes his bid for Kentucky Senator with new slogan, "Slide your fine ass over here and give us a vote, Honey Child'!!"
Knifed a motherless bairn
Paris Hilton = I Slit Orphan
Paris Hilton = I Snip Harlot
Buggery would do it
Paris Hilton = Split a rhino
On the 1.45pm to Warsaw
Paris Hilton = Polish train
Braids a hippo cousin
Paris Hilton = Plaits Rhino
On the road to carnivore rack and ruin
Paris Hilton = Sirloin path
Chignon's all messed up!
Paris Hilton = Lost hairpin
Peraches Geldof = Fecal sheepdog
She's the pits!
Peaches Geldof = Deep Fecal Hogs
Calm canine meat
Peaches Geldof = Dog Flesh Peace
Divine intercession needed!
Peaches Geldof = God Help Faeces
Top privet a disaster!
Peaches Geldof = Ace Hedge Flops
Pa was a missionary position man
Peaches Geldof = He Faced Gospel
Scrawl graffitti on KY outlet?
Peaches Geldof = Deface Gel Shop
Shitty little bitch?
Peaches Geldof = Fecal Sheepdog
Chelsea Team Quarantined after Sex Revelations involving Entire Squad!
Health Care officials alerted after several players show signs of 'Spotted Dick." "that's a dessert you eat, you bloody fool" said one! "Right Chap, why do you think I'm so fooking concerned!"
Martina Hingis to Return to Tennis Circuit
Says "I probably can't make top player, but I can be # 1 in Fun by showing some bum"
Surgeons at Vanderbilt Hospital in Nashville replace man's smashed penis with middle finger.
SEC Called in After Obama Cabal Pockets Windfall after Selling Toyata Stock Short!
Department of Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood, former ILLINOIS SENATOR
claims his slam of Toyota was inadvertant. Raymond Burris and Blago back him up. Rep. Jesse Jackson, Jr. takes 5th.
Incursion into skinny porkers' home?
Valentines Day = Invade Lean Sty
Australian banker caught acting "HUMAN" he was Googling porn!
Contrary to the human perception of bankers that they are a bunch of corrupt aliens! A banker has been caught showing signs of HUMAN BEHAVIOUR, wanking over a porn bitch on the internet caught on TV
Are they all able seamen/women?
Valentines Day = Ten Navy Ladies
Japanese currency responsible for recession?
Valentines Day = Vast Yen Denial
Overjoyed at all this seafaring buggery!
Valentines Day = Elated Navy Sin
Rent something bigger if you want a shag in the back!
valentines Day = Leased Tiny Van
Harry Reed Inspects First Ever Male Brothel in Nevada!
Concluding a 15 minute health inspection and a 35 minute interview with employees, Harry commented: "Felt fine to me!" Your 'Stimulus at Work.'
Miniscule lorry all locked up
Valentines Day = Sealed Tiny Van
Newest UK Outrage: 280 year old path 'too dangerous to deliver mail on!"
Royal Mail spokesman finally confesses reason no one received Christmas mail was cobblestone path was too dangerous for postie with hangover to negotiate.
Mail in sacks can be picked up at Oasis Pub!
Don't give in to fiendish burkha!
Valentines Day = Deny Satan Veil
Craves something demonic
Valentines Day = Satan Devil Yen
British MP Suggests Immigrants Earn their Way before Receiving Benefits!
Under Sharia Law the woman was sentenced to death by stoning. Execution squad picked from latest arrivals all receiving cash, housing, health care and benefits for children left behind in Pakistan.
Sordid sailors' can
Valentines Day = Seedy Naval Tin
Neurotic Bigfoot sold here!
Valentines Day = Vends Anal Yeti
9 Year Old Boy Expelled from School for 2 inch long Gun
The school principal in defense of his questioned action said "size doesn't matter, he could still be viable."
Secret Bidder Who Bought Churchill's Cigar Wants Money Back!
DNA lab confirms cigar never touched Winston's lips, but was used as a Butt Plug during worst of London Bombings!
Jealous of bum calories?
Valentines Day = Anal Diets Envy
She's so neurotic!
Tensed Anal Ivy
Vanessa Perroncel Says She's Sworn off Soccer Forever!
The former Chelsea practice goalie who never stopped a shot said she's had it!
Premier League Officials send her off with a lavish party and a complete golf kit and set of clubs to help her score.
All's well that ends well
Valentines Day = Yes, Valiant End
There'll be trouble!
Valentines Day = Yes, Vandals Nite
Lindsay Lohan's New "Handle"
Pelosi & Reid Shocked When Brown Rebells Against Hazing Ritual!
Newly elected Senator flatly refused to lower his pants to be spanked by the duo despite claims it was part of the initiation. When told they could' kiss his ass', both decided to spank each other.
Everybody loves a sailor!
Valentines Day = Enlisted A Navy
Made for sinning...
Valentines Day = A Venal Destiny
Borrows from inexperience?
Valentines Day = Lends A Naivety
Valentines Day = Invents a delay
Valentines Day = Tanalised Envy
Scott Brown Surprised at Hidden Booty Found in Kennedy Office!
Four cases of scotch, a pallet of gin, giant tins of cocktail onions and olives discovered in false wall behind bidet. Calling for coffee, Scott shocked to find topless staffer arriving on her knees!
Pervy, but no nutter!
Valentine's Day = Deviantly Sane
Two Valentine's Getaways that Won't Break the Bank
1. Park the Motorhome in a Wall Mart Parking lot overnight and head out to dinner at McDonald's.
2. Park at a Burger King and have a Whopper with 4 large Schlitz Malt Liquor Bulls and sleep it off
Jealous at shrink?
Valentines Day - Envied Analyst
Elin & Toni Announce Plans to Take Back Tiger & Terry!
The foursome said they will cement their marriage vows during a cruise on Woods yacht, "Cuckold", wherein they will all jump in a pile and shag each other unmercifully in an 'act of self cleansing!'
MSN Asks: Are Frugal People No Fun at All?
Are Members of Congress on a 24/7 "Fun" Ride at Six Flags Magic Mountain?
Taco Bells' Drive thru Diet Debunked
Its actually the De-Con in the mystery meat that makes you lose weight, not the soda pops.
Portsmouth FC announce new owner.
Avram Grant celebrates by putting on his best suit and splashing out on a new Thai.
Denny's Offering Free "Grand Slam" Breakfast Again for February Special
+ a "To Go" package of barf and body bags.
Coca Cola's New Strategy: "Mini Cans" at twice the Price
Less for more, from our favorite fountain friends.
New Report: Government Underestimated Job Losses in 2009 Reports
Up to a million additional unemployed due to layoff have now been "identified."
Time for a "Congressional Layoff?"
US Supreme Court Says "Questioning Government" is Irresponsible"
This group has bigger balls than a Giant Wabitt.
Obama and China enter Cold War and McDonalds don't get Chinese Chickens!
McDonalds are at the centre of a brewing cold war between the US and China. Obama has told China, "Nuke North Korea or else" China replied, "FLUCK YOU" and issued a Chlinese Chlicken export!
Check The Telephone Book
"The Potted Puffer" is one of over 100 stores for the sales of medical marijuana California has closed this week.
U.S. "Missiles" and "Missile Shields" Around the World to Top 100,000 by Year's End
I think we need a re-think to this strategy. Quick.
Giacometti Sculpture of Dead Spoofer Walking Sold for over $ 100M
The sculpture was inspired by the sad tale of a Spoofer who encountered a Huge Bunny one too many times and got "toasted."
CNN Clears Obama Rumor
Allegations that Sen. Barack Obama was educated in a radical Muslim school known as a "madrassa" are not accurate, according to CNN. It was just outside Riyadh in Saudi Arabia.
Weak Oil Demand Cutting Shell Oil Profits
Tony Blair proposes "one time" Profit Enhancement Tax" on UK citizens.
IRS Reverses Position on Sex Workers Tax Deducitons
The previously allowed deductions for using prostitutes as medicinal "relaxants" is now being disallowed.
Taxpayer Revolt Expected.
Did Michele O'Bomba Share Too Much?
Can't say for sure, but when she bends over she certainly "shares a ton!"
No Melting Icebergs
Descendants of those who went down with the Titanic ask, "Where was global warming when we needed it?"
NASA defends strange acting astronauts. "Yeast cells got into recycle machine. The were all pissed."
Getting Really Close
Report: U.S. scientists close to creating artificial life, after three year study of test model, Amy Winehouse.
Valentine's Day Reminder
With Valentine's Day close, florists say don't forget to stop and smell and hear the bioengineered flowers.
Not A Ghost Of A Chance
Caspar Milquetoast appears before congress to represent ghosts tired of haunting houses emptied when people left, because they couldn't pay mortgages.
US Congress Faces "Excruciatingly Torturous Vote" on Loading Taxpayers up with Additional $ 2T in Debt
However, insiders say its "sure to pass"
"Us Is Rich!"
"Pearl" hillbilly found in mountain oysters turns out to be hog kidney stone.
Watching For Al-Qaida
House forgets to place "Stimulus Package" on box headed to Senate for approval. Senator have it blown up by security guards.
Not A Word
SUE SMITH: Why does no party speak for the women of middle England who have beards?
Something They're Calling "Swine Flu"
So much for the Swine flu epidemic: National website and helpline are shut down. Tired of hearing, "I've got a bone in my leg", "My ass has cracked" jokes, say helpline operators.
Prince Charles Strike Back!
Prince Charles hits out at climate change sceptics as top scientist calls for critics to provide evidence for views. Prince told, "We already have, you haven't been listening, even with those ears."
Not All 999 Calls Answered
Police 'cannot attend every 999 call' claims Chief Constable. "A person could get badly injured doing that."
Postman Will Not Deliver
Postmen told not to deliver mail 'because cobbled street is too dangerous'. Plus there's this Hyacinth Bucket woman.
Sex Too Loud
Students at all-women Cambridge college sent email asking them to be quieter when having sex. Professors not getting enough sleep while hanging around windows.
Your Tax Money At Work
Fury as 13-year-old pupils get pregnancy tests at school, especially after including males.
Several Lose Breakfast
Time to 'lance the festering putrid puss-filled boil on our collective ass' of resentment over 'unfairness' of immigration, says Labour's Margaret Hodge. "Can I be excused, I've made myself sick."
Maybe New Reality/Quiz Show?
Premier League football manager Avram Grant may face police quiz in brothel inquiry! "OK, Avram, first question, for $100, what can you get a lady there to do?"
Golf Not The Same
Mickelson ready to get back to golf! Uh, Phil is ready to play! Some golf. Against All Pros! Uh, is that him now? Caddy? Phil Mickelson's caddy ready to get back to golf! (I sure miss Tiger).
A Den Of Iniquity, Roosting Chickens
Obama responds to ire over 2nd anti-Vegas remark. "I guess my preacher, Jeremy Wright, pounded that 'Sin City' into my head pretty good."
Taylor Swift Defended
The head of Taylor Swift's record label is fired up and ready to defend his superstar from people who are criticizing her Grammy-night performance. "You're all full of shit!"
Report: 40 percent of traffic accidents are preventable. "If you'd simple stay at home."
China To Blame
Tainted milk shows China's food safety challenges as US, Britain blame Chinese imports with lead causing us to sit on our fat asses more.
Cucumbers Know What You're Doing
Study: Vegetative brains show signs of awareness. Know when they are being sliced up for salads.
More Worms Into Space
Iran announced it has launched a menagerie of animals, including a mouse, two turtles and worms, into space on a research rocket. President Ahmadinejad: Lost contact. May have gone into wormhole.
Worms In Space
Iran says it launched a mouse, two turtles and worms - into space on a research rocket, a feat President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said showed Iran could defeat the West in the battle of technology.
Commerce To Double?
Commerce secy to detail push to double exports as present number one export are military troops.
Jackson Doctor Arraigned?
Source: Michael Jackson's doctor to be arraigned Friday. Also Bubbles the Chimp subpoenaed to testify about doctor's influence on Jackson.
Lawmakers To Pay Back Expenses
UK auditor: 392 lawmakers must pay back expenses, such as "hooker, so I wouldn't be so tense at meetings."
New Light Cast On Death Cat
Doctor casts new light on cat that can predict death! "Look, there he is over there in that dark corner where I shine my new telephone/flashlight."
A Harsh Judge
US Baptists to appear before Haitian prosecutor, Papa Doc Mather.
"Piss On Trump"
Donald Trump is at odds with officials in Rancho Palos Verdes over weddings at an oceanfront park next to his Trump National Golf Club. May put in pay toilets.
Could Be Right
Court says '80s hit 'Down Under' copies kids' song, "Down Under, Mate".
Heinz Changes Kerchup
Heinz revamps ketchup packets. From now on, ketchup will be on the outside, much easier to use than tearing open package.
US Cleric Taught Underwear Bomber
US cleric: Accused plane bomber was my student but I never told him to put explosives in his underwear. That is stupid, as 72 virgins would be useless to him & he to them,
Speaker Charged With Deaths
Self-help speaker charged in sweat lodge deaths. Claims he couldn't help himself.
Sure They Will
NYC conviction doesn't silence Pakistani scientist. Of course, Gitmo detainees expected to go peaceably.
Bad Construction Plans Blamed
Vehicle to be checked in deadly Nevada casino crash. Casino admits that it should have built off to side of the road.
Cat Predictions Always True
Doctor casts new light on cat that can predict death. "It's a 'death cat'!"
'We' Are Not Abused
Couples Who Say 'We' Fare Better in Fights. Queen Elizabeth was right all this time.
Brown Takes Kennedy Chair
Brown taking over the late Sen. Kennedy's seat immediately after bourbon, old man smell removed.
Might Come In Handy
House faces tough vote on $1.9 trillion more debt. "Couldn't we add another 1,000 million to round it off, for pocket change?"
Toyota says Prius had brake design problems as Japanese continue to drag their feet over braking problems.
Three Camels Sold for Millions of Dollars in United Arab Emirates
Three camels were sold today at a market in the United Arab Emirates for millions of dollars. Meanwhile a man in Manchester sold three camels (out of a packet of 20) for 88p.
Exoplanet gas Spotted on Planet Far from Earth
Not too Far to send US elected representatives to investigate. Send them all - we'll wait for their return.
UK Castle Ordered Detroyed by Bureaucrats
Allegedly because local building authorities didn't know about it even though built to exceed all codes.
Can you spell O-R-W-E-L-L-I-A-N L-O-G-I-C
First Lady: I'm Not that Interesting
Neither is your husband anymore.
Find the back door ok?
Is it Time to Cash in Your Savings Bonds?
Time to cash in your cash is more like it.
Clinton to Americans Held in Iran: Fughettaboutit You Deadbeats!
Once out, do ya' think a little chat with Ms. Hillary might be in order?
Unruly Passenger Says Behavior was Result of Pot Cookies
The pot laced cookies, are supposed to be for medicinal purposes only. Nonetheless, Keebler eying commercial production for the masses.
Senate Report: "Dirty Money Still Entering U.S."
While all the clean money has already departed.
Pay Czar Says Insurance and Banker Boy Bonuses are "Outrageous" But Legal
Hey Mr. Pay Czar: What Good are ya'?
EPA scientists discovered why the air always smelled so bad in their Washington offices. You thought I was going to say that they had their heads up their arses? You're right!
EPA to Increase Jobless Rate
EPA wants to reduce SMOG levels in cities by taxing polluting automobiles. Poor people need their old cars to go to work, assuming they have a job in this recession, & can't afford to buy a Prius.
I'm Running Again, Maybe
Harold Stassen ran for President of the USA 12 times as a GOP candidate. Ralph Nader has run for the job 5 times. The big question is what party & obstructionist platform will Ralph choose next time?
New Revelation in Space
Pretender president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is very disappointed by Iran's latest gambit in space. Pictures taken from the rocket show that the Earth revolves around the Sunni!
Joe Smith got a letter of instructions from his Toyota dealer about his Prius. It advised him that in case of brake failure, he was to open the driver's door & drag his left foot on the road surface.
Environmentalists are concerned that state funding cuts for environmental programs may degrade on-going in-place clean air/water availability, as well as eliminating the food in their "rice bowls!"
Dear Professor my research paper on global warming/climate change will be a little late, as I am snowed-in at my apartment in Honolulu HI.
President Wears Suspenders
The president promised government was going to tighten its belt during the latter part of this recession. Then, why does the proposed 2011 federal budget have a $1.6 trillion deficit?
Why Do We Keep Electing These People
Senator Kerry wants a Constitutional amendment to negate the recent Supreme Court decision on Campaign spending by corporations. It requires a 2/3 Senate vote (67). There are 40 Republican Senators.
Rare Charles Darwin book found on toilet bookshelf finally finished by experts saying it is authentic and that the missing link at that time was in today's Maggoty, Arkansas.
Burns Up Calories
More Americans plan to travel during this year's Super Bowl than ever...from couch to kitchen to couch to kitchen.
New Disney ride "Father Mackenzie's Alter Boy Chase" not drawing much of a crowd.
I Got Sick
New Disney ride "Grandpa Wussy's Mildly Worrying Ride of Dips" not drawing much of a crowd.
And 35 Years Old!
Old man on street in front of San Diego hotel insults Trek Con nerd with "Does your wife or girlfriend share your hobby? You haven't got one have you? I do."
Old man on street in front of San Diego hotel insults Trek Con with "In a parallel universe, women like old weiners."
Old man on street in front of San Diego hotel insults Trek Con with "I've seen butt hair more realistic than that Kirk's toupee."
Friend of Slain Lottery Winner Arrested; Suspicion of Murder
Money brings out the Best in Friends.
White House Calls Iranian Space Launch a "Provacative Act"
But maintains none of the 8,800+ launches by the US are in no way provocative.
CIA director's son's dirt?
The Flintstones = Tenet son's filth
Use a hanky forgawdssake!
The Flintstones = Teen's Filth Snot
Adult dirt only
The Flintstones = Not Teens' Filths
Nervous attic clues?
The Flintstones = Tense Loft Hints
Christian Science Monitor: Don't Let Illegal Immigrants Take US Jobs
Uh..a little late for that one don't ya' think?
Don't know about the tenth one, though...
The Flintstones = Feels Ninth Tots
Damned cheeky stealing!
The Flintstones = Insolent Thefts
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