Spoof news snippets from Friday 26 February 2010
With a two foot cleaver under a waxing moon?
The Sex Pistols = She Slit Sexpot
Princess Amensia again?
The Sex Pistols = She Exists! Plot
Maybe Potless Sex Hit?
The sex Pistols = Sexless Hit Pot
Banned for being too droopy
The Sex Pistols = Expels Ho's Tits
Half a dozen punks from Wroclaw or Czestochowa?
The Sex Pistols = Polish Sextets
Is this where the Nazis bought their fabrics of deceit?
The Sex Pistols = SS Textile Shop
Obama won't support the UK vis-à-vis Falklands
"But I have a plan B", said Obama.
subset of World News
Cruise liner hits harbour wall in Egypt
better than eating a double cheeseburger
Lily Allen wants her own posh frock shop
"Want's to look like Posh"
"Makes more money than good sense"
Lindsay Lohan paid to attend parties
Reason for so many kids?
Angelina Jolie thinks a 3 year famine is 'in the works'
Toyota with parking issue
'Body of missing former celeb found parked in park'
'Read All About It'
"Carly Simon finally reveals the subject of You're So Vain..."
'Sorry Darling ... got to win your ma at DOOM'
Allegedly starved of sex, Ashley Cole's friends said: "Happened when Cheryl Cole's mother-in-law moved in ... she had better computer games than Ashley causing him to have 'bedroom malfunction'
Monica Lewinsky - so very very hot and/or 'me so horny'
no and no
Lisa Kudrow in a long red dress
talks about her posh relatives, "It's the media, they are Polish not posh - oh, what am I saying?"
Good name for a Triple Crown winner
The Preakness = Seeks Panther
Crucial Triple Crown race nearly bankrupted the Garden of England last year!
The Preakness = Reshapes Kent
The Preakness = Hearken Pests
As in Play Misty For Me fan club
Colonel gaddafi = Odd Fog Alliance
Indian beach resort is awash with turds most days
Colonel Gaddafi = Goan Fecal Dildo
Dogs of Whore led us a merry dance
Collonel Gaddafi = Dog Of Dalliance
Colonel Gaddafi = A Fecal Doodling
No Word About 2010-2011 Season
Dallas Cowboy Iona Phuque who shook it till she broke it out of the hospital with her ass in a sling.
Tiger Woods may leave the sex addiction clinic any day now according to reports. "He'll be fine as long as he has that saltpeter patch", say docs.
"I'm Going Home!"
Marian Robinson, Michelle Obama's mother has resigned. "I've had all this health care up to my ass", she stated in a press conference. President Obama will appoint a new Mother-In-Law Monday.
Danish newspaper Politiken apologise to the "Great One" over a glass of Carlsberg!
Apologising to the "Great One" was difficult enough, but to crack a bottle of Danish finest, Carlsberg, with him was even more difficult, even the "Great One" has his weaknesses!
"Santa, You Look All White!"
Arkansas man says he'll never do Santa at the mall again. "Got kicked in the balls at least twice a day."
Arkansas man says he'll never do Santa at the mall again. "The little fart's 'you smell like daddy when he comes home on Saturday night!"
"Funny Feeling Santa"
Arkansas man says he'll never do Santa at the mall again. They put me right across from the Frederick's Of Arkansas and I was fired and jailed for a boner.
Arkansas man says he'll never do Santa at the mall again. "For three month your beard smells like clabbered milk!"
Too Much Competition
Another medical marijuana store has closed it's doors. In San Jose, the "Toke 'R' Us" shut the door, Friday.
Swedish Olympian Ivana Phuque Admits To Boob Job
"I had to make them smaller because I couldn't find bras that big."
Swedish Olympian Ivana Phuque Does Own Promo For Tonight Show Appearance
Ratings predicted to soar through the roof due to her saying only three words in promo: "Ivana Phuque, Tonight."
Swedish Olympian Ivana Phuque Says Her Parents Sent Her To American Catholic Schools
"They thought I'd be safer with the priests as a little girl when I told them my name was Ivana Phuque. Thank God I wasn't a little boy with this name."
Swedish Olympian Ivana Phuque to Purchase New King Sized Bed
The old one had so many notches in it, the frame collapsed.
Swedish Olympian Ivana Phuque to Marry Descendant Of Former Chicago Mayor
Her married name would be "Ivana Phuque Daley"
Lady Gaga Tops 2 More Polls
Wins; Most likely to turn out to be mad, vastly over-hyped attention seeker; Most likely to eat own face.
"How About 'See-Through Floor?"
Screwed Indians discover that they have built their casino over sacred Indian burial grounds!
No Whoppers Here
New Chinese McDonalds worker mistakes Casual Fridays as Casual Flydays with predickable outcome.
Russia has announced the date for their next rigged presidential election.
Tilting Of Building Explained
Security cameras in Dubai show that tilting of the top caused by big gorilla climbing up it during the night.
Cocaine, Heroin Down
Price of cocaine, heroin down once again in 2009. Dealers blame meth addicts.
Nearly One Million Complaints
FCC received 350,000 complaints about indecency on TV in 2009. Over 500,000 said there wasn't enough.
Still Don't Know Why They Cross Roads
Chickens have same number of genes as humans. "That explains a whole lot", states Hannibal Lectern.
Dollar Stinking Up The Place
Rapidly stinking dollar comes as a surprise to US tourists abroad. That should be "Sinking Dollar"...but both work."
Pelosi Looking Froggy
Nancy Pelosi continues to be picked on, her eyebrows now one long line at top of her forehead. "Call for a Mr. Pohl! Please turn on your cellphone. Mr. Tad Pohl!"
Nancy Pelosi continues to be picked on, her eyebrows now one long line at top of her forehead. "Ms. King, you have a call, turn on your cellphone! Ima Jo King, are you here?"
Stocks struggle to find selves in early trading
With an economy in the shape its in its no wonder that the stock market is on an emotional rollercoaster.
Nursing Home Ok'd
Source of troubles at Arkansas nursing home discovered. Staff not to blame. Patients were trading medications.
Far North Inuit Tribe Says They Could Use A Little Global Warming
Formerly called "Eskimos",This Northern people group said Wednesday that they wouldn't mind some warming,"Especially right about now in February,to hell with all these icebergs and snowdrifts!"
Speaker Of The House!
Nancy Pelosi continues to be picked on, her eyebrows now one long line at top of her forehead. "Mrs. Finder, turn on your cellphone. You have a call! Attention, Mr. Dick Finder!"
Lady Of The House
Nancy Pelosi continues to be picked on, her eyebrows now one long line at top of her forehead. "Mr. Lions, please turn on your cellphone. You have a call! Mr. Dan D. Lyons!"
House Victimized Again
Nancy Pelosi continues to be picked on, her eyebrows now one long line at top of her forehead. "Would Mr. Bacon plaese turn on your cellphone. Someone is trying to reach you. Mr. Chris P. Bacon!"
Pope not a Catholic
The Pope is not a Catholic, says the Vatican. He's a Zoroastrian who knocked on the wrong door, and "one thing led to another". The rhetorical substitute for "yes" has now been officially scrapped.
Identity Theft Conference
Can all attendees at the Identity Theft Conference please remember to pick up somebody else's name tag when they arrive?
9,000 In The Dock
Tax credit shambles lands 9,000 families in the dock. "We'll need a bigger courtroom", says judge.
They'll Show Anything On TV!
Roll back the raunch: Explicit pop videos 'should be banned before the 9pm watershed' according to computer porn site owners.
Online Mail Cut!
Furious radio stars lash out over BBC plans to axe station in wide-ranging spending c.............beeeeeeeeeeep!
No Loyalty From Obama
Britain 'betrayed' by Obama: U.S. fails to back Britain over Falklands after row over revealing American torture. Ghost of Churchill & Roosevelt send daughters into President's bed during the night.
Protestant head quits after drunk driving. Rest of body seems fine. Calls being place at cryonics centers for Ted Williams, Walt Disney.
Canada, lead by Carrie Oakey, blanks US for gold again in Women's Shit! Hockey! "Someone please read these before handing them to me."
It Was Kim Who Won Gold
Bonnie Ann Clide wins gold with record score at Olympics. I'm sorry, joker in the house. Kim Yu-na wins the gold!
Stoning Illegal, Not Snowballing
Airlines hunker down in another snowstorm. Man who mentioned global warming snowballed to death.
Also, Taught The Difference
UK publishes new rules for assisted suicide, homicide!
Over 100 Spent Last Hours There Last Year
Study: High-fat diets raise stroke risk in women while hitting doughnut section of WallyMart.
"Your Whole Family Wiped Out, Except For Me"
UK publishes new rules for assisted suicide. Rich Uncle Melvin cannot be told lies about Missiles on their way toward the cities filled with anthrax.
Politicians Are Easy Targets
British politicians fall victim to Twitter scam: "Barbara Seville! Is there a Barbara Seville? I have a message for you.
Harry Reid Senate Leader falls victim to prank on cellphone: "Barb B Dahl! Is there a Barb B. Dahl on the Senate floor?"
US Hit By Pranks Also
Nancy Pelosi also falling victim to prank cellphone calls: "Ann Teack in the House? You know any Ann Teack's Senator Byrd? By the way, the Senate is across the street."
She Won't Answer If There Is
British politicians fall victim to Twitter scam. "Anita! Is there an Anita Dick in the house?"
Riot Into The Streets
British politicians fall victim to Twitter scam, answering "Baum? Is there an Adam Baum here?"
British politicians fall victim to Twitter scam after running home to see if refrigerator still running.
Google To Next Show Which Prostitute On Which Street Corner
Google warned by EU over Street View map photos, bedroom close-ups.
Looking For a Reputation
2 huge icebergs let loose off Antarctica's coast, make a bee line towards shipping lanes.
Bayer Stock Up
Bayer Q4 net income up 44 percent, mostly on big snows stranding many at home, Levitra sales up 200%.
Pirates Receive Bounty
Somali pirates release Singaporean ship for cash, pieces of eight.
Coup Leaders On Trial
Turkish PM: All linked to coup plot will have fair impartial trial, execution.
Best We Can Hope For
Strong growth in Q4 likely to slow throughout 2010, predicts optimists.
Dems Push Ahead, Need A Foot
Bottom line on health care summit: Dems push ahead, while they need a foot, up their ass.
No Money To Pay For It
Bottom line on health care summit: Dems push ahead while ignoring collapse of economy.
Paris Too Hot, Stupid?
Paris Hilton too hot for Brazil? Gov't protests. "She's doing her best to keep blond jokes going.
Sounds Like Hannibal's Loose
Maryland inmate leaves prison by impersonating cellmate by ripping off his face.
Living Large In Detroit
Legal troubles aside, ex-Detroit mayor lives large. Kilpatrick now up to 295 pounds.
New Exercise Advice
Interval training can cut exercise hours sharply. Just hopping out to the mail box and back enough for the full day.
Hold That Airline Seat
How to get the best seat on the plane and hold it, using old time favorite, plastic puke.
Some Indians Doing Well
American Indian reservation reaping oil benefits. Slowly buying back the country.
New Boy's Names
Parents Choosing More Unusual Baby Names Now! Number one with boys: Mohammed Bob.
New Unusual Names
Parents Choosing More Unusual Baby Names Now! Number one with girls? Ivana Phuque.
VA Will "Take Another Look"
VA to reopen Gulf War vets' files to examine health claims. Still no word on agent orange sickness, deaths for those in Vietnam.
Mor ice, Snow
Huge Eastern storm darkens homes, disrupts travel. "I hope Al Gore's nuts freeze off!" heard around many households
Just Shut Up, Please!
Huge Eastern storm darkens homes, disrupts travel in what global warming nuts are calling warmest January on record.
Facebook Official Discusses Glitch in Which Email Messages Were Misdirected
"We still have a higher accuracy rate than the U. S. Postal Service."
Killers sought in killing of killer after using identities of un-killed others not thought to be killers.
I Guess That's From The Guy Fired Monday
Alex Trebek not at all happy with surprised category of "Potent Penises" on yesterday's Jeopardy show.
Tight Squeeze At That
Not only does American Airlines charge $10 for every extra piece of luggage, you must buy two seats if you're Aretha Franklin and three if you're Dolly Parton.
Ahead Of US There
Not only does Iran already have a nuclear bomb but they have also developed the first ever vibrating codpiece.
I Tat I Ta A Bomb!
Not only does Iran have nuclear weapons but have now announced that they have developed a telephone voice modulator that makes you sound like Tweety Bird.
Not only does Iran already have a nuclear bomb but they have also developed an artificial appendix.
All In The Family
Little Known Facts: Ivana Phuque's mother, Ida Mae Phuque, won a Silver medal in the Luge at the 1952 Oslo games.
Olympics greased pig contest disqualification leads to riots in downtown Little Rock, Arkansas!
Peyton Manning on why he lost the Super Bowl: "Stupid New Orleans quarterback looked one way and then threw the other, the safeties tell me. Brees can be sneaky at times."
Thought It Was Eli's Turn All Year
Peyton Manning on why he lost the Super Bowl: "I only gave 104 percent. I knew better."
Super Bowl Blow
Peyton Manning on why he lost the Super Bowl: "Got my numbers, plays, commercials, pays all balled up!"
Peyton Manning on why he lost the Super Bowl: "I didn't want to go to Disney World anyway. Nor that killer whale thing."
"I Knew Better"
Pope Benedict upset after hitchhiker robs the Popemobile at gunpoint.
KU Favorite Subject
Newshound discovers that every basketball player at Kansas University taking "Ass From Elbow, A Comparative Study".
Cheney's Location Discovered.
V.P.Biden finally discovers forme VP Cheney's hidden bunker. Knew it was Cheneys as soon as I saw that deer-sized microwave."
That's Cheney All Over
V.P.Biden finally discovers forme VP Cheney's hidden bunker. Knew it was Cheneys as soon as rigged shotgun hit me in the face."
Big Bright Green, Suicide Machine
The new Oregon suicide machine: "I like it so much, I bought the farm" -Beatrice Arthur
Peaches and Scream: What a Twitter Twat
Spoiled idle airhead Peaches Geldof, 12, broadcast pictures of her bared twat in a taxi on Twitter yesterday. "If I'd known I had two twats in my cab I'd of charged double" said driver Dick Fiddler.
Russell "Branded" Illiterate
British Spider Society chairperson Helen Earth caught pervy "comic" Russell Brand in her web yesterday after he described himself as a "sex insect like a spider." 'Spider's aren't insects', she said.
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