Spoof news snippets from Thursday 25 February 2010
Fur Trapper "Hornswaggled"
Fur trapper Wilberforce Eelkettle, 98, was "hornswaggled" yesterday, after a Red Indian Squaw and a raccoon snare were delivered to his cabin. He'd ordered a Pony and Trap!
Mr Ed Descendant Speechless
The pilot of Grandson of Mr Ed, the spin-off of 60s TV Show Mr Ed, has been suspended after the star, Shetland Pony Master Edward - lost his voice. "He's a little hoarse", said a spokeshorse.
Yacht an Idiot
Norfolk woman Hilary Tensing was rescued from a dangerously-busy dual carriageway yesterday, after she ignored warning signs and sailed her yacht onto the A56565564 road near Thickbint-on-Opium.
Twins in Alice Protest
Twins Jervis and Jarvis Jervice-Jarvice of Piltdown, Essex, dressed as "Tweedledum and Tweedledummer" yesterday in protest at the "idiocy" of Tim Burton's new "dumbed-down" Alice in Wonderland movie.
Star "No Relation to Wafer Makers"
Old-fashioned comedian Arthur Askey had nothing to do with wafer manufacturers Askeys, Askey's agent's grandson Arthur Agent claimed yesterday. "They're just saying it for PR", said Agent yesterday.
Ashes to Ashes
The ashes of cremated Lostwithiel woman Demelza Pott were reduced to ashes in a bizarre case of spontaneous combustion yesterday. "She always was a fiery character", said sister Pepper yesterday.
Makes Sense, Pass The Uppers
Study: One 48-Hour Work Weekend-Only jobs would save millions in gas.
Men, You're The Head Of Your Family: Squeak Up!
Instead of "Couch Potato", I prefer to be called, "The World's Greatest Authority on Whatever Happens Around the Couch & Coffee Table in This Particular TV Room, Sir!".
President Obama fires Air Force chiefs over nuclear blunders. Apologizes for cities which suddenly disappeared
Killer Whale Kills Trainer At Sea World
That'll teach 'em to be stingy with the fish Shamu snacks!
Swedish Olympian Ivana Phuque Will Star as Stuart Little's Wife in Movie Sequel
Ivana Phuque a Little?
Swedish Olympic Sensation Ivana Phuque Says Monty Python's Life of Brian is Her Favorite Movie
Was Biggus Dickus her favorite character?
Swedish Olympic Sensation Ivana Phuque May Be Pregnant
Will the baby be called Ivana Phuque too?
Swedish Olympian Ivana Phuque Signed to Star in Hollywood Western
The movie's title will be "Phuque and the Horse You Rode In On."
Dems Not Shooting Straight
Hidden mike catches conversation at Dem/GOP speech at table while others were speaking: "I wish Cheney were here with his shotgun!"
Not The Time Or Place
Hidden mike catches conversation at Dem/GOP speech at table while others were speaking: "Will you quit tapping my foot, Larry? See me later."
Where's The Beef?
Hidden mike catches conversation at Dem/GOP speech at table while others were speaking: "So, where's the beer?"
Trying To Use Ancient Kenyan Curse?
Hidden mike catches conversation at Dem/GOP speech at table while others were speaking: "Why does the President lower head, close eye and open slit like Bela Lagusi whenever a republican speaks?"
Hidden mike catches conversation at Dem/GOP speech at table while others were speaking: (Biden) "See this Rollex I bought cheap in New York?"
Jesus and Madonna change roles, he weeps and she "bares his cross"!
Madonna and her Jesus have swapped roles, Jesus has been seen weeping in Rio and Madonna has "Bared his Cross" (The one she had tatooed on her bum for him!)
Hidden mike catches conversation at Dem/GOP speech at table while others were speaking: "Maybe someone should call 911. I counted 15 pistol-bulges."
Hidden mike catches conversation at Dem/GOP speech at table while others were speaking: Is Senator Byrd real or have they secretly replaced him with a Japanese robot?"
Kelly Osbourne would rather be a Junkie than Miss Piggy!
Famous brat and daughter of Ozzy, Kelly, has admitted she would rather be a Junkie than look like Miss Piggy, Kermit the Frog has filed for a divorce!
Guard That Gold
Situation in Afghanistan not going so well, reports General. Brings quick response from Obama. General sent to oversee gold bullion at Fort Knox.
More Money For Retirement In Cemetery
New version of Obama health care bill would allow everyone to draw an extra $100 per month, beginning when they are 80.
Brother Can You Spare a Square?
American dollar sinks below that of a square of Double-Soft toilet paper.
Hammer This Thing Out
Alaskan oil company meet with representatives of Greenpeace, polar bears, seals.
Welsh Assembly Government version of DO WHILE
DO WHILE money_to-waste.gt.0
Male Or Female?" Going Off!
Due to the current economic crisis, the Fox Quiz Show, "Male or Female: Mob Victims Pulled From The East River" has been told to go off the air immediately unless we want to be the next star.
Now There's Nothing On TV!
Due to the current economic crisis, "Discussions With The Amish" will have it's last two-hour show on PBS in April.
CMT Cutting Back
Due to the current economic crisis, The Road Kill Cook-Off" is going off CMT, immediately after the one about the horse in May.
Due to the current economic crisis, The Museum of Mimes in New York City is quietly shutting down Monday.
Somali Kidnappers Release Internet Video of your Missing Sock
Not seen for several weeks, but claims to have been "sympathetically laundered"
American Idol: Poor Sound Quality Problem Isolated
Simon Cowell's muffled voice blamed on "having his head too far up his ass.."
Hillary Clinton Travels to Afghanistan
Millions of Taliban likely to be forced out by her face.
Skater Ivana Phuque claims she is not feeling well after her latest date with Pat Hiscock.
Actually Improved Looks
Artist Cristo admits that he is the one who put giant Groucho nose, eyeglasses and mustaches on Mount Rushmore Presidents.
Treadmore condoms recalled as they might present a choking hazard
Fears Over Assisted Suicide Guidlines
The forms are so complicated it may lead to people taking their own life, warns watchdog.
I'll BUY This Station & Fire All Of You!
Fired radio DJ in Tennessee he only wanted the job to hold him over until that Nigerian million's estate sends him his $27 million, for the $1,000 he managed to save and send in.
Former guard says that under waterboarding Khalid Sheikh Mohammed also confessed that he was the one who shot guy on hunting trip and blamed it on Cheney.
"I Did It"
Former guard says that under waterboarding Khalid Sheikh Mohammed also confessed to pulling through used car lot to escape stopping at red like.
Sheikh Tells All
Former guard says that under waterboarding Khalid Sheikh Mohammed also confessed that he lied to friend about once having sex with sexy Rosie O'Donnell.
He Was Guilty
Former guard says that under waterboarding Khalid Sheikh Mohammed also confessed to killing John Kennedy.
Two professional football players commit suicide after being traded to the Detroit lions.
Florida school teaching kids what it's like to live in totalitarian state. "Go home and ask you moms and dads."
Talk About Nuts
McCain wants government regulation of vitamins, supplements, how many peanuts in can of 'mixed nuts'.
Just A Reminder
Before you make your first trip to see New York City, Here's a reminder: Rolex watches have never been sold for $9.95.
They Hit Hard
Before you make your first trip to see New York City, Here's a reminder: When walking near Wall Street, it's a good idea to look up every minute or two.
India and Pakistan Agree To Keep In Touch
They are putting a gate in the garden fence.
Help Our Police Do Their Job
Before you make your first trip to see New York City, Here's a reminder: It's always a good idea to bring along your dental records.
Never Cut Him Off Or He Will Return The Favor
Before you make your first trip to see New York City, Here's a reminder: Every big well-dressed Italian in a big black car has the right away.
Before you make your first trip to see New York City, Here's a reminder: There is no such thing as a brown & black hot doggie.
Before Visiting Tip
Before you make your first trip to see New York City, Here's a reminder: There is no such thing as Penis & Beaver Inspectors.
New Dubai Mall evacuated after cracks appear in giant aquarium, several finding water running down pants, dresses on their way out.
Common Enough Mistake
Met Office to re-examine 150 years of temperature data in the wake of the Climategate scandal. Admits someone added an extra 0 to temps.
Ivana Phuque Comes Second
Says she is delighted and can she come again please?
No One To Blame?
Up to 1,200 needless deaths, patients abused, staff bullied to meet targets... yet a secret inquiry into failing hospital says no one's to blame. "It's just today's society."
Taxi Driver Was Helpful
Indecent exposure': Fury of mother, 25, thrown off bus and forced to get taxi for breastfeeding. Taxi driver even held up tit after her arm went numb.
Phuque Has New Release!
Ivana Phuque releases new album "Ivana Hold Your Hand".
Women only: airline to have female toilets but male-looking vibrators.
Helmets The Norm
Helmets becoming the norm in snowsports after hitting tree limb made skier, Ivana Phuque sick and dizzy for past ten years.
Sound Guilty To Me
EMI appeals ruling that Men at Work copied tune "Land Down Under" from old children's song, "Land Down Under".
Has Big Plans
Jay Leno adds Lambert, Harper, Ivana Phuque to 'Tonight' return.
Won Her Case
Fla. woman who sued 50 Cent in NYC over her sex video gets two quarters.
Ne British Suicide Rules
UK publishes new rules for assisted suicide. "Only one duelist has any bullets in machine gun. "It's a mess, really", states Under Secretary, Ivana Phuque.
"Probable Causes Warts On Your Ass Too"
Study: High-fat diets raise stroke risk in women. "Thank you for that wonderful bit", retorts Kirstie Alley.
Democrats retreat on new privacy protections. Joe Biden blows bugle as they reorganize, plan nest charge.
Gunman Appeared Earlier
Police: Colo. gunman entered the school earlier but knocked down by Ivana Phuque hurrying to the bathroom.
Miss California Disowned
Beverly Hills disowns Miss California contestant. Miss Ivana Phuque makes a bad representative. Always running to the bathroom.
Kidnapper Mentally Ill? They ALL Are!
Lawyer: Jaycee Dugard kidnapper is mentally ill. "Yo Mama!", yells back his client.
Shhhh! "Here's A Trillion!"
Kenya's poor suffer from scandals, bribery. Native President in role of US President no help!
Finally Get To See Snow!
Philly, NYC in line for cruel winter's latest. Couple on NYC street back from Olympics in Canada, Ivana Phuque and Tom Katz say they are ready to see some snow for a change.
New Talks About Wealth, Health
Gibbs wants productive wealth care talks Thursday. I'm sorry, that should be "health" care.
Grant will help Louisville with fire training site. Apparently Sherman will help Atlanta.
Getting Out Of Hand
Facebook urged to act after memorial sites defaced, Obama seen nude in Kenya, Dems dodging Cheney with a shotgun.
More Unusual Names
Parents Choosing More Unusual Baby Names Now! Ivana Phuque is still only the one. However, many Dover's naming their girls Ilene Dover. Bust family having a ball with John Will and Mary May.
Olympian Learns Who She Is
Argentine stolen at birth, now 32, learns identity at Winter Olympics. She's Ivana Phuque, illegitimate daughter of Ivana Mandic.
Indians Doing Well
American Indian reservation reaping oil benefits, casinos. Ask US if it needs a little ready cash.
Obama Spokesman Throws Rose Buds Before Prez Entrance
President Barack Obama's spokesman says Thursday's health care summit can be productive if participants "put aside this notion of kabuki theater and just gaze in awe at The Obama for six hours."
Toyota's problems loom large even after hearings, as President of Toyota's runaway almost runs over Ivana Phuque on her way home from Winter Olympics. on the way to conference.
GB Men's Curlers Out
Hair looks a treat for journey home.
Adam Baum Goes Off To Himself After Spending Time Consoling Ivana Phuque
Ivana Phuque and partner Adam Baum manage to finish the doubles before hurrying away.
Olympic Trials During Games
After Ivana Phuque leave the ice in disgrace, Anita Dick wins over the male judges.
Ida Shitz follows Ivana Phuque and finishes even farther behind.
A Long Clean-Up
Ivana Phuque loses out in the semi-finals in Winter Olympics by puking after a really wild spin.
Trying To Wear Us Down
Live from Washington: Obama's health care summit. For the 150th time!
Google confirms Rickroll removal from YouTube "just the start"
Google has tired of bankrolling the Rickroll phenomenon. In a YouTube interview, Google's head of rolling heads cursed the grey-haired, blue-eyed soulster.
Celebituaries: Dawn Brancheau - whale meet again
Dawn, a 40-year-old whale trainer died at the SeaWorld park in Orlando, Florida after being attacked by a 12,000lb, 5,450kg orca called Tilikum. An orca - you know, they're the black & white ones ...
All In How You Look At It
VP Joe Biden says that if you close one eye and look at his seal, it says "President of the United States".
Upset new leader of the Taliban calls off search for Osama bin Laden. (Probably Driving Taxi In US).
2009 was a tough year on US Companies and several have closed their doors including, Chicken Cluckers!
No More Parties In The Back
2009 was a tough year on US Companies and several have closed their doors including, Fuc King's Chinese Palace!
No Nookie Tonight
2009 was a tough year on US Companies and several have closed their doors including, Nookie's Homemake Cookies.
Snuffed Out Overnight
2009 was a tough year on US Companies and several have closed their doors including, Grandma's Discount Snuff!
No Longer In The Malls
2009 was a tough year on US Companies and several have closed their doors including, The Big & Tall Division of Victoria's Secret!
Bargain Prices Gone
2009 was a tough year on US Companies and several have closed their doors including, Saturday Night Prescription Drugs Auction Barn!
Closed For Good
2009 was a tough year on US Companies and several have closed their doors including, Autopsies In One Hour Or They're Free.
Out For Good
2009 was a tough year on US Companies and several have closed their doors including, Kentucky Fried ChickenHawk
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