Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 24 February 2010
Seig Heil adopted Scot Ferry!
Keen follower of SFA football Bryan Ferry is to release a new album based on sectarian covers with added material from son Otis called "Bhoys and Gers and Nazis!"
Scots Follow Aussie stance on Health Care!
Scottish Blacks and Euro incomers have been told to go home following complaints against NHS waiting lists or try their luck in England where lists are even longer. Germany could be their best option!
The Dogs Have Found Them
George Foreman's recommends his Lean Machine Grilling Machine can help during earthquakes. "Grill lots of beef, ground it up and make burritos. Add ten gallons of Margaritas. Scent dogs will find you!
Whoa! Was That Me Or A Tremer That Shook My Ass?
George Foreman's recommends his Lean Machine Grilling Machine can help during earthquakes. "Grill lots of beef, ground it up and make tacos. Serve with ten gallon of Margaritas. Calms the nerves.
They Are In Trouble..What's That Smell?
George Foreman's recommends his Lean Machine Grilling Machine can help during earthquakes. "Send message smoke signal codes to neighbors by burning dog, cat turds in one."
Grin and bare it for the paps, Elin
Elin Nordegren = Need Loner Grin
Lean Mean Earthquake Machine
George Foreman's recommends his Lean Machine Grilling Machine can help during earthquakes. Lining them up opened around your house at night for safety from burglars.
Tiger eating out of the palm of her hand?
Elin Nordegren = Dinner Erelong
Nine carat only
Yasser Arafat = A Fart Assayer
Flower show standards are most demanding
Boris Yeltsin = Best Iris Only
Half-wit more likely
Boris Yeltsin = It Bless Irony
Free to procreate
Boris Yeltsin = Son Is Liberty
Reddish lice get everywhere
Boris Yeltsin = Rosy Bile Nits
Powerless over internal putrefaction, actually
Boris Yeltsin = I Rot Sensibly
Vladimir his brother had early onset dementia
Boris Yeltsin = Bro's Senility
Basil Fawlty's Mrs smoked a great big joint with him once
Boris Yeltsin = Stonier Sibyl
Food of the Gods according to perestroika
Boris Yeltsin = Blini Oysters
Double Zero Stolichnaya
Boris Yeltsin = Sobriety Nils
Cacophony diue all that pus inside
Boris Yeltsin = Noisy Blister
Russians were always drunk during his presidency
Boris Yeltsin = Riot Sensibly
Stud career doing nicely
Fidel Castro = Foal Credits
El Generalissimo must be shitting bricks
Fidel Castro = Floater Disc
Fidel Castro = Frailest Cod
Rip tide promises a tsunami this year
Fidel Castro = Tidal Forces
Ahoy! Somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle
Fidel Castro = Close Adrift
Cuba: the price of hubris
Fidel Castro = Costlier Fad
Likes hanging about in palm trees
Fidel Castro = Dates Frolic
Kim Jong Il Regime Challenge Shock:
Dear Leader "uncomfortable" as inner ring penetrated..
Drainpipes vs Easyfits: a dedicated follower of fashion
Fidel Castro = Flared Stoic
Targetted Gold Cup stables
Fidel Castro = Ascot Rifled
He's The Champion
ABC's Sam Champion named Time & Temperature's Man Of The Year!
Eg. Away In A Manger
Fidel Castro = Fetid Carols
...Or mercenary fiction?
Fidel Castro = Soldier Fact
Three Bombs Should Do It!
President Obama says that he was mildly surprised that the Dalai Lama asked him to blow up Iran.
He did the dirty on the Masons
Fidel castro = Soiled Craft
Lazy git of a fascist dictator
Fidel Castro = Idle Factors
Talk of fatted calf and all that!
Fidel Castro = Calf Steroid
Spoof writer Bureau is not an individual concludes the UK wing of the Karl Popper Society moreover the writer(s) are UK government civil servants with nothing else better to do in their working day!
Jjust adores working in the Treasury
Fidel Castro = Fiscal Doter
Drives a stretch Cortina
Fidel Castro = Elastic Ford
Cuban mobsters grow like skyscrapers in Havana
Fidel Castro = Loftier Cads
Wrapped them up in Cuban cotton wool
Fidel Castro = Clad Forties
Fidel Castro = Acid Florets
Took years to find the right sequoia
Fidel Castro = Located Firs
He keeps it in the attic along with his Harley Davidson
Fidel Castro = Sidecar Loft
Fidel Castro = For Citadels
Mostly the crude type
Fidel Castro = Crafted Oils
Hammering away at heavne's gate during rutting season
Bavarian Illuminati = A Labia Anvil Mini-Rut
Blame British Airways for this fiasco
Bavarian Illuminati = BA: Ruin Naval Militia
Aintcha sick of it already?
Bavarian Illuminati = Bulimia: A Nil Variant
Internment behind the collapse of the weedy Austin Metro
Bavarian Illuminati = A Valiant Mini Burial
Lips like these protect against the clap?
Bavarian Illuminati = In A Antiviral Labium
Biannual like the larkspur or thye wallflower?
Bavarian Illuminati = I'm A Trivial Biannual
Probably Vitamin P - if the genital layout is anything to go by
Bavarian Illuminati = Ruin A Labial Vitamin
That's In The Badunkadunk Section
WallyMart changing it's pastry, doughnut section's name to
the badunkadunk to let big ass customers that people love big asses.
The ABC's of thou shalt not insider-trade, for instance
Wall Street = Letter Laws
Like Bernard Madoff
Wall Street = Let Wastrel
Gordon Gecko types never ever rest even in a downturn
Wall Street = Wallet Rest
Prezzer versus the Primer!
In Celebrity Boxing, Gordon "Iron Fist" Brown will fight John "Two Jags" Prescott in a heavyweight battle to remember. Will the tight-fisted Jock beat the Northern twat? Watch tonight on Channel 5.
Market giants, I suppose
Wall Street = Taller West
Bruce Forsyth = Cherubs Forty
"I Kept A-Knockin' Till He Let Me in!"
Pope, who is infallible, proclaims Little Richard a Saint, after too much sacrificial wine gone mostly to alcohol.
Pope Elevates Lambert
Pope, who is infallible, wants Adam Lambert named the winner on American Idol. "Though I've never worshiped him", adds pontiff.
Pope Pardons Pluto
Pope, who is infallible, declares that Pluto really is a planet and demands all it's status among planets restored.
FIFA Latest - "Pigging England Out Scotland In!"
The SFA have been told by FIFA that Escosse are going to this year's World Cup following a ruling that all the Euro PigEng nations are to be banned from the competition because of financial hardship.
Pope On Jeopardy
Pope, who is infallible, was turned down as a Jeopardy Show while he was in America.
English Tax Stinker!
Tory leader PM elect David Cameron has set out plans to tax areas with a UK Air Quality Index of >3. The whole of Scotland will avoid the tax with the biggest contributing areas located in England!
I Like It There!
Pope, who's infallible, refuses to allow servant to smash pickle jar stuck on his hand.
Cameron Goes To Hollywood
James Cameron is to release his latest venture Avatar - The Musical starring Miller, Holly, Lennon, Bolan, Jackson, Vicious, Cobain and Richey Edwards who will make his dramatic entrance in the flesh!
"IT Men not Men" says Which Magazine!
In a Which survey 8 out of 10 men said they prefer IT - that is prefer - sitting at a glorified typewriter all day rather than doing a real man's job like Ice Truck Driving, Building and Plumbing.
The Beach Boys = Chose The Baby
Missed Another One
The Dalai Lama's questions to Joe Biden, who stated he might become a religious leader someday: "Explain the plot to 'Lost'!"
He's On His Way
The Dalai Lama's questions to Joe Biden, who stated he might become a religious leader someday: "Have you ever danced nude in midday sun?" "GOT that one!"
Maybe a hormone deficiency to blame
The Beach Boys = The Scabby Hoe
Lama Tests Joe Biden During W.H. Visit
The Dalai Lama's questions to Joe Biden, who stated he might become a religious leader someday: "If you were stranded on a desert island with Rosie O'Donnell, how long before you kill yourself?"
Coles - Ashley on Cheryl "She's a Peedo".
Less than a "merry old soul "Ashley Cole is coming to terms that estranged wife Cheryl is dating her hinny X Factor prodigy Joe McElderry in her bid to win a new TV deal fronting Baby Snatchers.
Brown in new Scrappage Scandal
PM Gordon Brown is taking full advantage of his government's boiler scrappage scheme by trading in wife Sarah for a younger model.
Branson in a Pickle
Sir Richard Branson is putting his Virgin logo and face to a new range of Scottish pickles and relishes ahead of his first venture into food retail at the newly built Virgin Megamart in Dundee.
Google Exec's arrested in Italy for GOOGLING IT!
Italy has arrested 3 top Google Exec's for GOOGLING IT at the wrong time. They committed one of the worst crimes in Italy, GOOGLING when MAMA is making spaghetti, no-cappicho!
ABE (Anyone But England) world cup T-shirts are RACIST claims Nick Griffin!
BNP leader Nick the Dick has told the world that ABE T-shirts are RACIST, PREJUDICE and DISCRIMINATE against all white caucasian English, fuck the Germans, Argentinians and Scots, especially!
Get Shane Warne Underpants!
"If they can control my googlies then they can look after yours!"
World Cup Could Be Over By The Time The Cole's Divorce
Unless the pair of them just get a move on
Balls Defends Record As Teenage Pregnancies Fall
Says he's confident he can get it back up soon.
"Or We Could Put It Off"
Federal Chairman Bernanke finally gave the Go-Ahead and panic in the streets. "Let's get this over with once and for all. Not a country out there can force us to pay them."
Combo Ads At Half Price
Maker of suicide machines in Oregon launch new combo TV ad, "While I'm busy killing myself, my robo-roomer vacuum cleaner is cleaning all my floors."
Among secret recordings by FBI hidden mike at US Toyota factory, played back to Toyota's President: "All I did was fart and the thing took me out the door at 100MPH, ran over two cows & a haystack."
Toyota Drag Races
Among secret recordings by FBI hidden mike at US Toyota factory, played back to Toyota's President: "It's a new form of drag racing. We take two sample models and each driver wears soaking wet shoes."
Still More Bad News
Among secret recordings by FBI hidden mike at US Toyota factory, played back to Toyota's President: "Turn that up. This is the episode where Barney & Floyd get kidnapped by those women escapees!"
More Bad News For Toyota
Among secret recordings by FBI hidden mike at US Toyota factory, played back to Toyota's President: "That thing can really shit and get it when these two wires touch."
Kim's People World's Best!
North Korean Leader Kim latest speech claims that North Koreans are the world's best at answering "Cartoons" category on Jeopardy!
No Cheap Meat By-Products
North Korean Leader Kim latest speech claims that North Koreans are the world's best at creating "True" hotdogs.
NKorea Is Tops
North Korean Leader Kim latest speech claims that North Koreans tops in accuracy in hitting the ocean with test missiles.
Kim Looney As Ever
North Korean Leader Kim latest speech claims that North Koreans better at karaoke better than Japanese who invented it. Then does "Three Corns In A Fountain".
Abe Kinda Cute
Park Rangers in South Dakota say hoodlums have hung giant Earrings on Mount Rushmore Presidents again!
Biggest surprise in Obama's nightly speech last night: Mother-In-Laws constant shouting of "You Lie" from White House bedroom door.
Obama Looked Sleepy
Biggest surprise in Obama's nightly speech last night: Instead of the Star Spangled Banner, forgot and sun Kenya's national song.
Bound To Be Embarrasing
Biggest surprise in Obama's nightly speech last night; Lectern overturning with midget prompter underneath.
Speeches Getting Routine, Boring
Biggest surprise in Obama's nightly speech last night: Former VP Cheney walking in in hospital gown to say he's out of hospital and on his way home.
Night After Night
Biggest surprise in Obama's nightly speech last night: Polka-doted tie, striped shirt and boxers.
Effort Not Appreciated
Local flasher promises he'll never stick his neck out to provide a little entertainment in a sad & lonely world.
Walter Reed Problems $1
Former veteran residents of Walter Reed Hospital accuse hospital of performing unnecessary nightly betting on 9-12 PM wheelchair and cockroach races.
Walter Reed Problems #2
Former veteran residents of Walter Reed Hospital accuse hospital of performing unnecessary by adding a middle sized intestine.
Walter Reed Troubles #3
Former veteran residents of Walter Reed Hospital accuse hospital of performing unnecessary penis pump contests.
Walter Reed Problems #4
Former veteran residents of Walter Reed Hospital accuse hospital of performing unnecessary 15 minute prostate exams.
Walter Reed In Trouble Again #5
Former veteran residents of Walter Reed Hospital accuse hospital of performing unnecessary appendix transplants.
Blaming The Messenger
And still it comes... Britain faces snow and rain well into March say forecasters before running back into bunkers.
Dog Gets Dicken Medal
Dog to get awarded Dickin Medal
Tiger to get one two
Not a Good Start
Labour falls woefully short of ten-year target to halve teenage pregnancies. Instead they have doubled.
Police Suspect Two-seaters
Airport police checking buyers of two seats on palnes and check wazzoo for smuggled cocaine after discovering large ass mules can carry a big load.
First Dick Sickness?
Cruise line: 350 sick aboard ship in Caribbean as white whale keeps bumping side to side.
ABC News has announced staff cutbacks, restructuring Hire Jewish mohel.
News of the World wiretap of funny UK cricket team
Collective Amnesia = Its A Comical Eleven
Used To Tight Spots
Researchers: Most 'test tube' kids are healthy. Not a one has claustrophobia.
News of the World wiretap hides Sordid Arabia pilgrimage woes
Collective Amnesia = Mecca Novelties Ail
US Must Secure Internet
Experts say US must do more to secure the Internet penis! Too many hackers penis.
New species of dinosaur found in eastern Utah rock. It will be called the Mormonsaurus.
News of the World wiretap bosses issued secret witewash directive
Collective Amnesia = Conceal Evilest Aim
Dems, GOP: Summit will not break logjam on health! "It's constipated agrees leaders.
Celebituaries: Strictly Comedian Dying
Musical comedian and former dance contestant Jason Wood has died at 38. Death's spokesman, Graeme Reaper, said Bruce Forsyth (82) had been the scythe's target but the spritely hoofer wrong-footed him.
Will Be Right Back..Toots Sweet!
Toyota CEO apologizes for accident, goes back to hotel room to change clothes.
Not staying the distance re KGB/News of the World wiretap angle
Collective Amnesia = Cancel A Soviet Mile
New Israeli Ploy?
Report: Son of Hamas founder was top Israeli agent. "Also, Ahmadinejad himself, through fake threats. Iran leader afraid to leave house.
News of the world wiretap bugged Scots football abstinence program
Collective Amnesia = AA Celtic Lies Venom
Greeks Bearing Clashes
Clashes break out at Greek protests! Then, more protests break out against clashes!
MMR quack targeted by news of the World wiretap?
Collective Amnesia = Molest A Vaccine Lie
Kate Middleton's coke-dealer uncle Gary Goldsmith a News of the World wiretap target?
Collective Amensia = Vilest Cocaine Male
Modest Jobs Bill Should Pass
Senate to vote on modest jobs bill, passage likely as 10,000 shovels await hiring of 10,000 road workers to lean upon.
Looks Kinda Mean
Ex-Warlord to run in Liberia's president poll. Only the one to file for it thus far.
News of the World gets wiretap bill from HMP Belmarsh
Collective Amnesia = A Cellmate's Invoice
Spay Day Here!
Spay Day USA an opportunity for pet owners. This year's speaker, Duane Bobbitt.
News of the World wiretap denials were monitored by US spooks
Collective Amnesia = CIA love 'I'm Cleanest'
School Program Pushed Forward
Program to push early graduation since school running out of money fast.
N.Korean Sets Skating Record
S.Korea's Kim sets new skating record. Becomes the 100th Kim from S. Korea to set a record.
A recyclers paradise discovered as study finds plastic trash collection in Atlantic.
One & A Half Men?
Sheen takes break from 'Two and a Half Men' to take a little time off to spend with his addictions.
Teacher A Hero
Teacher tackles gunman suspected in school shooting. He is suspected because of being tackles while reloading his gun & police say that alone provides some proof.
So Long As Kim Is Happy
Superman's debut comic book sells in NYC for $1M by Kim of Korea as he diverts money meant for poor, elderly.
More Boomers Into Pot
Marijuana use by seniors goes up as boomers age, mellow, go even farther out!
Poisons In Household Dust
The Poisons and Allergens That Make up Household Dust! Plus the cute dust bunnies that pits a spin on it!
5 Things Make You Happy
#5. Read TheSpoof daily and show it to others. It'll make everybody happy but politicians and Hollywood types.
5 Things Make You Happy
#4. Either singing that little song, "Don't Worry, Be Happy" to your self or kicking anyone singing it out loud in the ass as hard as you can.
5 Happy Ways
5 Things Make You Happy. #3 Meeting THE Mr. Happy. You won't be able to get close without bending over in laughter.
5 Things Make You Happier
5 Things Make You Happy! #2 Medical marijuana. It's good for what ails you.
5 Things Make You Happy
5 Things That Will Make You Happier! #1. Tell off that old biddy of a mother-in-law!
Apologies From CEO
Toyota CEO apologizes for recall, accidents, lies, cover-ups and especially, getting caught.
Toyota CEO Apologizes
Toyota CEO apologizes for recall, accidents, lies, cover-ups and total dishonesty. "I'm, beginning to sound like your own politicians!"
Lawmakers All Wet
CIA briefed 68 lawmakers on interrogation program. Three minute session with the water board.
Six Million Dollar Man TV Series
The Six Million Dollar Man TV series is to remade and called The Six Trillion Dollar Man - that's inflation!
Forces of Hell deny UK chancellor's claim
A spokesman for Hell has ridiculed claims by Alistair Darling that its forces are at Gordon Brown's disposal. Brian El Zebub said: "Heaven will be pretty toasty before we stop working for the Tories."
Ofsted criticism: 67% of three Rs are mis-spelled
Education watchdog Ofsted launches scathing, well-punctuated attack on national schemes to improve literacy and numeracy. A spokesman said: "We need fewer central government interventions, not less."
French Air Traffic Strikers Dispute Deepens
Strikers disagree over terms of strike, and threaten to strike against fellow strikers. "This is quite striking" - Sarkozy
Capello Gets Tough On Scandal
England boss, Fabio Capello, has announced this morning that all players are to be castrated ahead of this summer's World Cup.
"As eunuchs the players can focus solely on the ball", Capello said.
Toyota Unveils New Death Machine
Keeping in line with its new image, Toyota announced the unveiling of a brand new car: the 2011 I Hope You All Freakin' Die-Mobile. It's guaranteed to either blow up or not stop unless it hits a tree.
First It's Not A Planet, Then...
Walt Disney announced today that Pluto is not a real dog either.
Oprah Has Abominable Snowmen
So many Talk Shows on TV, tomorrow's guest on Ellen DeGeneres: People Who Swear They Have Seen A Bigfoot at Macys!
Then Went Blind
So many Talk Shows on TV, tomorrow's guest on Ellen DeGeneres: People Who Have Seen Wilford Brimley Naked!
Be Sure To Tune In
So many Talk Shows on TV, tomorrow's guest on Ellen DeGeneres: Problems With Guys Named Chester!
Running Out Of Subjects
So many Talk Shows on TV, tomorrow's guest on Ellen DeGeneres:
"People Who Ask You The Time Every Five..It's 10:15..Minutes"
Jon Gosselin curious about if you want fries with that.
According to a new survey, coffee drinkers have sex more frequently than non-coffee drinkers, but not those who drink coffee during sex.
NKorean Concert Of The Decade!
Neil Young, Willie Nelson & John Mellencamp Peace Concert for Peace in North Korea: "Well, they shot down beach ball again."
NKorean Peace Concert Promising
Neil Young, Willie Nelson & John Mellencamp Peace Concert for Peace in North Korea: "I'm just a big old Pinko Punk!"
Don't Quite Trust Kim
Neil Young, Willie Nelson & John Mellencamp Peace Concert for Peace in North Korea: "This don't mean Yanni come here does it?"
"On The Road Again"
Neil Young, Willie Nelson & John Mellencamp Peace Concert for Peace in North Korea: "Kim and me, we stomp and clapped without bayonet at our backs."
Neil Young, Willie Nelson & John Mellencamp Peace Concert for Peace in North Korea: "Concert? I thought this crowd was to troops comfort line. They bring Britney?"
Neil Young, Willie Nelson & John Mellencamp Peace Concert for Peace in North Korea: Kim had them wait offstage until cartoon feature on big screen was finished.
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