Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 23 February 2010
New Poll Decides: Americans are Indecisive
The authors of a new poll on Americans' beliefs have concluded that Americans cannot conclude what is that they believe.
Ireland Issues Statement on World Economy!
Terrorists blow up first bank since end of 'Troubles.' Obama sends Hillary Clinton, (again) to bring Peace in our Time.!
Osteoporosis Threatens English Working Class!
New Study on Labour Party Policy finds one hard working Englishman now supports 123 1/2 EU immigrants getting a free ride. National Health Care says it can't keep up with requests for Advil.
Anger Management Said to be Working for Tiger!
Meeting with potential new sponsors, Tiger says "I'm a changed man.
You won't be hearing any stories of me throwing my club around. It's dangerous, and I could wind up hurting myself!"
Tiger Suffers Trauma in Rehab!
Officials say he had such a recent shock of reality, no longer knows how to grip his club. Caddy say, "I'll do almost anything for Tiger, but I'm not into that!"
On Eve of Health Care Vote, Barry goes Bonkers over Michelle's Choice of Wednesday Night at the Movies!
Obama said to go ballistic when she told him movie of the night was
"Death Wish 5." Some folks just can't stop killing themselves!
Barney Frank Braves Grand Canyon on Mule Trip!
National Park officials say Fanny Mae supporter first traveler to reach the canyon floor and back riding side saddle. John Wayne reportedly turns over in his grave, labeling Barney "True Shit."
Japan Claims US Stifling Growth, Limiting Imports Just Like FDR!
Obama pledges to meet ambassador next Sunday at 7:55 A.M. and prays
Japs will bomb somebody by then so he can declare war and save the economy and his failing presidency. Rahm suggests Arkansas.
Christie Alley crows: Scientology Made Me What I am Today!
Unfortunately for her, Rosie O'donnell is a bigger, fatter success depending on
how you measure 'success.' Larry King promises to weigh in on the controversy but promises 'no heavy lifting!"
Tom Cruise and Cheryl Cole to Star in New Reality Show !
The show is said to highlight the difficulties of height challenged people in a real big world. Both dwarfs will be shown in a sympathetic light as they succeed in real life thanks to Scientology.
Gordon Brown Revealed as Gutless Bully!
PM left cowering, sniveling and in tears after Elton John bitch slaps him and calls him out for picking on 'the little people.' Just like most bullies, cowardly fuck left 'blowing in the wind!"
Obamacare Now On Life Support!
As Obama makes last gasp for life of program worse than cancer, opponents rally behind 'DO NOT RESUSCITATE" Tag affixed to patient. #2 Biden volunteers to pull plug!
'Splitting the Cole'
Cheryl Cole and Ashley Cole split up
Will Study Herself In Preparation
Unwed teen mom Bristol Palin to make "acting debut" on TV show
to guest on 'The Secret Life of An American Teenager' on ABC. She will play the character of "Bristol Palin".
"Put On The Co-Pilot Please!"
Passengers accuse yet another American Airlines pilot of being drunk: "Hellooooo Helloooo! Mumsy, your poopsie is coming in. Am I clear? Mumsy?""
Joe & His Foot Speaking
Joe Biden at troubled high school: "I'm afraid ladies and gentlemen, that when it comes down to it, there's no magic bullet to solve these problems overnight."
Passengers accuse yet another American Airlines pilot of being drunk: "Attention! I want to look out the windows on both planes. (hic) That there is the Mount Okefenokee!"
Cruising At 300 Feet
Passengers accuse yet another American Airlines pilot of being drunk: "Yes folks, there flying on your left is the America Bald Eagle. Let's see if we can swing over for a closer view."
Had A Bad Altitude!
Passengers accuse yet another American Airlines pilot of being drunk: "If you'll look out your window on the right and up, you'll be able to see the top of Mount Brokeback!"
More TV Reality
Television audience wants more reality shows. Say they are sick of scripted sit-coms, wrestling.
Probably PRESIDENT Biden
President Obama: "I realize that these are hard times, that there is a lot of unemployment, that we are hooked on foreign oil and that I was born in Kenya...who put that on here?"
"Put Silver Wings, On My Son, Chester"
Passengers accuse yet another American Airlines pilot of being drunk: "Ya know what that is, Chester? That there is the drive shaft I bet ya anything."
A.A. Needs AA Membership
Passengers accuse yet another American Airlines pilot of being drunk: Goes straight up a mile and then lands back at same airport. "Glad yoo culd flee wid ush."
Passengers accuse yet another American Airlines pilot of being drunk: "Weeell be right up! Meanwhile I-I've brought-t my carry yoko machine..."
They Were Right
US Panel on Bioterrorism Preparedness gives our government an "F". Then die from anthrax smuggled into report.
Hold It In & Explode!
Scientists say living 300-400 years not such a good idea; Every time you fart you blow out a hip.
"The Horror, The Horror!"
Scientists say living 300-400 years not such a good idea: A definite NO if you're a Cubs fan!
Live Long & Sick To Death
Scientists say living 300-400 years not such a good idea: Over 300 unmatched socks in five drawers.
Longer Life Not So Good
Scientists say living 300-400 years not such a good idea. "You'd be pretty doggone sick of Larry King & Regis on TV."
Scientists say living 300-400 years not such a good idea. "You could be stepping on your balls."
Living Too Long
Scientists say living 300-400 years not such a good idea. "Shoulder length nose hair."
Obama's Justice Department threatening to charge drivers of Toyota cars with dangerous driving for driving Toyota Cars
Longer Life Not So Good
Scientists say living 300-400 years not such a good idea. "Look at Keith Richards and he's probably under a 100."
Jon Gosselin Assured Of Privacy.
Ill-Fitting condoms blamed for lower use. New shops measure erect penis, send dimensions to islands to have hand-made ones to fit.
Scientists scorn film-makers for having too much fantasy!
US scientists have scorned film-makers for using too much fantasy in their films although MEN IN BLACK got their thumbs up, just look at area 51 they declared! Mickey Mouse was also a favourite!
A new study says that fat people live longer. Also, it takes them longer to rot.
Death Of King Tut
DNA proves that King Tutankhamun of Egypt most likely died from being wrapped so tight he couldn't breathe.
German High Priestess blames Satan for her drinking and driving!
The head of the German Protestant church has confessed to being totally pissed whilst driving, but has blamed Satan for causing her to get caught, God has remained silent!
'Do While Loop' or 'Screw While Loop' ?
"Prince William says he will marry Kate Middleton in a 'while'"
Winter Olympics Latest
Britain try to get gold with two bob.
Latest Beano Comic
Latest Beano comic sells for £2.50. Local man thought to have been the buyer. Also bought a copy of Exchange and Mart for £3.00
Cheryl Cole Getting Taller
No. Sorry about that. It's the heels. Carry on.
Toddler With Incredible Memory
Able to recite 1975 Fulham FA Cup Final starting XI
Star Trek Model For Taliban
Like Star Trek, Taliban has almost no enlisted soldiers. They are all Taliban Commanders or Number 2s (as opposed to Captain Picard's "Number One".
Millions of Holiday Makers in Limbo
It's just about the only place BA can get you to
"Growing Pains" star Kirk Cameron Arrested
"Growing Pains" star, Kirk Cameron, has been arrested by Vancouver constables while searching for his friend old friend Andrew Koenig,after he was seen asking several people if they've seen his Boner.
Toyota Email Scandal!
"The more Toyota Customers we kill, the better it will be for everyone!"
"See This Barbed Harpoon Like Thing?"
High School's Volunteer Day as students help police fish bodies out of the river.
The Perfect Chin
Jay Leno to pose for Canadian statue of famous Mountie, Dudley Do Right.
Learning While In Prison
Bernie Madoff most popular guy in prison with his "How To Talk People Out Of Millions" lectures to other prison mates.
The Cleveland Browns have announced that their team mascot has been promoted to first string quarterback for 2010-2011 NFL season!
What Is Escargot?
New York City French Restaurant waiter refuses to serve Alex Trebek until he orders his food in the form of a question.
Then How Come Bubbles Has Big Boobies?
Michael Jackson's doctor admits that he once confused Michael and Janet and enhanced Michael's boobs while leaving Janet with drunken Bubbles while she received the same treatment, then redid Michael.
Ashley Cole Innocent
"He has not seen, or had Cheryl's ring," friend declares.
Britain Has Falklands Defence Strategy In Place
Thousands of trained penguins prepared to repel invasion.
Cheryl Cole To Make Pop Video With Cristiano Ronaldo
"Anything Shakira can do, I can do better," she says. Why aye.
"Gordon Brown IS A Big Bully," Says Cameron.
"He once stole my dinner money."
Bright Side Really Bright
Coral reefs will dissolve within 100 years in acidic seas, say marine experts. But, on the bright side, we should have nuked ourselves to death by then.
Shakira Suffers Dizzy Spell
Still a bit weak at the knees after video shoot with Rafael Nadal.
He's Out There
He walks free again: Bail for the serial criminal who terrorised businessmen. He's The Average Liberal Taxing Politician!
Nadal Pulls Out Of Tennis Tournament
Said to be 'still limping' following Shakira video shoot.
Soccer Star Ronaldo Rescues Disaster Hit Madeira
Wears a Tee Shirt with 'Madeira' written on it. In marker pen. Wow.
Norman Tebbit 'attacks child in dragon outfit celebrating Chinese New Year', yelling "They're Here! They're Here!"
Dubai Says Emphatic 'No!'
Denies planning permission for Heaven Caravans Holiday Park.
As in Elizabeth Taylor's National Velvet?
Gulliver's Travels = A 'Velvet' Girl's Slur
Newry Car Bomb Was A Toyota
"These people obviously know what they're doing," says police spokesman.
Sarah Palin's youngest embroiled in controversy!
Gulliver's Travels = Trig's Vulva Seller
Aston Villa FC chaplain's sexploits?
Gulliver's Travels = Villa Verger's Lust
Church warden's cathouse
Gulliver's Travels = Verger's Slut Villa
Gulliver's Travels = Stir Vulgar Levels
Human organ trafficking?
Gulliver's Travels = Slavers' Liver Glut
Fate's cruel blow
Gulliver's Travels = Vulgarer Vets' Ills
Gulliver's Travels = Valveless Girl Rut
Sex Education Watered Down
Victory for faith schools as Labour's new sex education laws are 'watered down'. Teachers can no longer pick out student to show what should never be done without protection.
Niece is also a slut?
Winnie the Pooh = I Into Ho Nephew
Winnie the Pooh = Non-white I Hope
Took Three Tries
Learner who killed boyfriend in crash before telling police she hadn't been driving is spared jail. Promises judge she'll do a better job after more training.
Thy eyewatering S&M?
Winnie the Pooh = Thee Whip Onion
Warehouse Robber Turns Himself In
Suspected Heathrow warehouse robber hands himself in to police. "What's me reward?"
Lesbian Hung Fu Artist Gets 12 months
NHS manager who bragged 'I am better than a man' jailed for 12 months over lesbian sex attack on woman at hotel. "She probably is", states heavily bandaged victim.
Johnny Cash Recordings Released
Last of Cash's 'American Recordings' released. Still some early drunk ones to decipher.
Most Approve, French Object
Glaxo to remove zinc, snail slime from it's denture cream.
Study: Warming to bring stronger hurricanes, more victims of heat rash.
We'll Know Soon
In rare night landing, space shuttle back on Earth, somewhere.
Several Things Up
Report: Wall Street bonuses up 17 percent. Viagra boners up another 5%!
Former VP Cheney hospitalized, resting comfortably. Blames "idiot" democrats.
Not Much Improvement
Mascotless Ole Miss to vote on Col Reb successor. Thinking about "Little Black Sambo".
More Tax Bombers?
To some, suicide attack on IRS made pilot a hero. "He won't be the last", says fed up tax payer. "Wait until Obama asks for next increase."
Too Late Now
NATO commander takes apology direct to Afghans. Reminded by troops that they can't hear him anymore.
"Wore A Brand New Jersey"
Delaware doctor indicted in sex abuse scandal, nicknamed the "What Did Delaware" case.
Another Health Care Proposal
Democrats cautiously embrace Obama health plan, but still a little concerned about third paragraph on page 2289.
"Sorry For...That One Too"
NATO commander takes apology direct to Afghans over civilian loses in war with Taliban. Interrupted twice with bombings.
'Heroes' actor Adrian Pasdar charged with DUI. LA policeman wins 1,000-1 pool at headquarters over which celeb next charged with DUI.
Canadian Pride Recovering
Ice dancers rescue Canada's battered pride as they finally win some metals, temps drop below freezing for snow.
A Matter Of Fat
Calif. insurer to face questioning over rate hike. Agree to lower it back if clients lose 50-100 pounds.
Leave Global Warming Alone
Coal-state Democrats oppose global-warming rules. So does Montana, North Dakota, Michigan, Minnesota, Alaska and Maine.
Infections in US hospitals kill 48,000, cost billions . "Yes, but how about the 47,000 who made it out?", ask surgeons.
Hospitals Infections Kill More Than Car accidents
Infections in US hospitals kill 48,000, cost billions. Doctors and aids told to was hands between seeing patients, leaving bathrooms.
Booty Can Help
U.S. Navy rescues Tanzanian ship, nabs 8 pirates. Will use booty to help pay for health care.
Timothy Leary Missed
Marijuana use by seniors goes up as boomers age. "Too bad Timothy Leary never lived to see this", observes one.
Seniors Enjoying Pot
Marijuana use by seniors goes up as boomers age. Combined smoke equal to nation's biggest factories.
Workers OK, But Shovels Lost
Driver recalls 6 miles of highway terror in Lexus. Ran over three dogs, one on a leash, & knocked seven state road workers off their shovels.
Discovery In Israel
Archaeologist sees proof for Bible in ancient wall. Atheist says they made it themselves and then buried it up ten years ago, using 3000-year-old bricks. He's instantly fried.
Toyota Apologizes Again
Toyota's US president apologizes for failures. "Blowout of windshields when hitting lady bugs a grave error on their part. Some days we're the bug."
More Toyota Recalls
Toyota's US president apologizes for failures. Heaters catching fire should never have...oh, you hadn't found that yet?"
Toyota President Apologizes
Toyota's US president apologizes for failures. Both those discovered and yet to be discovered.
Obama Health Care Shady
Democrats cautiously embrace Obama health plan although still concerned about "suicide machine" as most are over a certain age.
Gordon Brown Accused of Throwing a Tangerine
And Peter Mandelson Gobbled a Banana
Hung Parliament Looms
As British public gets enough rope to hang the lot of them
Wazu Matter with You
House Speaker Pelosi keeps trying to cram the health care reform public option down the American public's throat. The American public just wants her to cram the bill up her wazu!
Is Michael Steele (RNC Chairman) a Racist?
Democratic SML Reid is not labeled a racist by saying President Obama is light skinned & has no Negro accent. But, Democratic liberal left loons label those who disagree with the president racists.
Americans haven't a king or a royal court. So how come there are so many fools in the Obama administration?
The EPA has been evicted from their office building, as it has become infested with rats. So why not eradicate the rats? The Justice Department says the rats have Constitutional rights!
Definition of Democratic Liberal Insanity
Bush Administration investigated its lawyers over harsh interrogation methods. Obama's Justice Department did same. Senate Judiciary Committee is going to do it again, looking for a different result?
Defense Spending Song and Dance
Democratic left wing loons whine "its defense spending, not their entitlement programs that are causing the national debt." These are the same people who failed fifth grade arithmetic!
VP Biden's Web Site
VP Biden's web site has a new logo, added since his latest orations, which reads "Would I Kid You!"
Mechanic Sues Noted Brain Surgery Hospital
Joe a car mechanic suing for admission as a brain surgeon to a noted hospital was rejected for lack of training. His lawyer says "if President Obama can get on-the-job training why can't his client!
Kicking the Sex Habit
As part of Tiger's return to the links, he has to stop treating women as sex objects. He is enrolled in a class taught by Rosie O'Donnell and Christie Alley to help him achieve this goal!
Some Days the Bear gets You
The EPA sued the IRS for using too much paper and then too much electricity for computerized tax forms. The IRS switched to using animal skins for tax forms and is now being sued by PETA.
IRS Announces New Policy
IRS announces that all tax returns will now be filled electronically, eliminating paper forms and saving trees. EPA sues IRS for using too much electricity, causing more so called greenhouse gasses!
EPA Sues the IRS
The EPA sued the IRS for using too much paper for tax forms, thereby killing too many trees. A wise judge threw the case out, saying to the EPA where do you think your government money comes from.
The Democratic left pushing off-the-wall agendas, e.g. food police, are called activists. Democrats label Republicans & everyone else with concerns about government as Special Interests & Lobbyists!
A CEO and a board of directors who spend their corporation's funds wantonly are usually charged with embezzlement. So why aren't President Obama and Congress in Jail?
Congress Drops Prostitution Tax
Congress has dropped a proposed prostitution tax to help pay for part of health care reform. It appears too many members would be subject to this levy!
Starrin Bernie Madoff!
Bernie Madoff apparently playing Tevye in the prison performance of "Swindler On The Roof!"
"When Will I Be Shoved?"
Harrah's Casino welcomes this week's golden oldies: The Elderly Brothers!Live But In Wheelchairs!
"Go Your Own Way"
Harrah's Casino welcomes this week's golden oldies: Fleet
"I Had Too Much Too Cream Last Night"
Harrah's Casino welcomes this week's golden oldies: The Selected Prunes!
Harrah's Casino welcomes this week's golden oldies: The Edgar Weiner Grope. Special guests: The Easyseats!
"Come A Little Bit Closer, I Cannot Hear Myself Fart!"
Harrah's Casino welcomes this week's golden oldies: Jay & The Senior Americans.
"I Got The Bedding Wet Blues"
Harrah's Casino welcomes this week's golden oldies: The Filth Dimension!
"Life In The Gas Pain"
Harrah's Casino welcomes this week's golden oldies: The Pee Goes! with Country Joe & Fish, From Barney Miller!
"Get Down People! Get Up! I Said Get Up!"
Harrah's Casino welcomes this week's golden oldies: The Floors!
"The Fountain's High"
Harrah's Casino welcomes this week's golden oldies: Dick and Wee Wee with The Doodletown Peckers
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