Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 2 February 2010
"G.I. Janes" Training to Protect Iraq
Bet they don't look anything like Demi Moore.
US Rushes Patriot Missiles to Mid East!
"No problem' says Joint Chief of Staff, " we're just here to make sure no one follows the Israeli Air Force Home after their 'Fly Over' of Tehran!"
Iranians Promise to Shock the World February 11!
According to Israeli Air Force Spokesman, they'll be shocked if Iran exists after Feb. 10th.
Federal Census Promise: "We Won't Turn in Illegals"
We're just making a list of them for the hell of it. Honest.
Michael Jackson's Doctor to Surrender
As they say, what the hey, somebody's got to pay
Colin Montgoerie says Ryder Cup Will Be Diminished if Tiger Doesn't Play
Fans say it might be if Colin does play.
Jets Coach Fined 25K for Obscene Jestures
Quickly hired by the White House, he will now act a sign language interpreter for Rahm Emanuel.
Kraft takeover of Cadbury - "Good for UK jobs"
Cadbury workers melt thereby avoiding mass layoffs
Only now after a whole year in office
does Obama talk "American Small Business" - Obama has missed the boat, the plane, the taxi, the train, the L, the trolley and common-sense.
China does unto Obama as Russia did unto Kennedy
Russia blinked first In re Cuba Missile Crisis; China warns President Obama not to meet with the Dalai Lama or face consequences.
- ignored - see, e.g., Gitmo -> still open despite President Obama's Executive Order to close it.
Airline ordered to stand down
Dutch agent told to quit
" "Well placed" sources told the paper that a top agent had been recalled recently "because the US was thought to be making a decision within weeks to attack Iran with unmanned aircraft". "
US Navy now under orders to sink Iranian submarine
if it whistles dixie
IQuitarod Queen Demands Rahm Emanuel be Fired
Palin, who quit, says Emanuel had his chance to quit but now should be fired. Barracks O'Bomba, who wants to quit will meet with Karl Rove on the subject of being fired on FOX News Tonight.
Military's Top Uniformed Officer: Lift Gay Ban...
and form Homo Brigades
Stay In At Night
Volunteers say that spooky things happening in Haiti. If they'll let you go home, you'll agree to testify against the mob.
Volunteers say that spooky things happening in Haiti. Every morning there's a note by your phone saying "Prince of Darkness called. Says he'll try again later."
Zem Be Zombies?
Volunteers say that spooky things happening in Haiti. Like every morning, a huge black raven lands on your window sill and say, "Neverland"
Harrison Ford = Or horrid fans
Shaved for passion?
Harrison Ford = Ardor If Shorn
Harrison Ford = Arid for Horns!
Harrison Ford = Finds a Horror!
Manboobs ready for a lift?
Tony Blair = Lo! Tiny Bra!
Check out his ancient kingdom!
Tony Blair = Try Albion
Salt of the easrth!
Tony Blair = A Briny Lot
He's got his hat on!
Tony Blair = On A Trilby
He's no cleric!
Tony Blair - Born Laity
Tony Blair = Litany Orb
Tony Blair = Try Albino
What a genius!
Tony Blair = Brainy Lot
Her boy was a real pal!
Lindsay Lohan = Had Ally In Son
She kept something back from her shrink!
Lindsay Lohan = Hid Sly Anal No
She bugs woeful Mrs Clinton
Lindsay Lohan = Annoy Sad Hill
She's no friend of Denmark!
Lindsay Lohan = No Danish Ally
Only ever ate escargot!
Lindsay Lohan = Only Had Snail
Secreted offspring in cavity?
Lindsay Lohan = Anally hid son
Vegans worship at her hostelry
Lindsay Lohan = Holy Salad Inn
Named after a dubious lotion?
Lindsay Lohan = Shady Lanolin
She's just named after synthetic flowers!
Lindsay Lohan = Nylon Dahlias
Amy Winehouse just a dreadful tree?
Amy Winehouse = Am Heinous Yew
Glue Sniffing Outbreak Overwhelms Arkansas!
Said Medical Examiner Mel 'Porky" Percival, since them FEEMA trailers arrived, can't get no one to work, spend all their time on their hands and knees sniffin' that formaldehyde...good stuff, too!"
Amy Winehouse a right porker?
Amy Winehouse = Ahem! You swine!
Amy Winehouse a gut-purge freak?
Amy Winehouse = You wish enema
10,000 Unused FEEMA Trailers from Katrina, Sent to Arkansas!
Said Hog Farmer Bubba Joe, "Thank Obama, we can save the piglets and put a roof over their haids. Since that Snippet Storm, ain't got none of them tourists, no speed traps and no ear marks, we fucked!
Arkansas Appeals to FEMA After Snippet Hurricane!
"it's a fucking disaster," said former Governor Mike Huckabee, "thank God I'm out of the place!" Huckabee commented about the economic devastation after Jman got revenge for 10 month exile there.
Springfield,Illinois Still Not Repaid for Costs of Obama 2008 Visit!
Alderman denounces Obama, likens him to perps in Domestic Violence Cases in the city: "Both the same, sociopaths bent on beating us out of what they owe!"
Spoof Writer Petitions to Change name of South Carolina
After receiving highest heating bill, and suffering weeks of freezing temperatures, icy rain, high winds and lack of sun, proposes name change to "South Minnesota."
UK Labour Minister Backtracks on "Unreliable Worker" Edict!
After confusion, says: it's one's right to be totally unreliable, but you do have to show up onst in awhile. Demanding your check be mailed is really pushing the envelope and hurting Royal Mail Moral.
Toni Terry Says : John Couldn't have Done those Things!"
His devoted wife continues to believe his innocence."My God, he's GAY, he never did ME, how could he do THEM! Toni said her 2 kids were the result of a
tupper ware paty gone wrong with soccer coach.
John Terry says He's Sorry!
"I wouldn't be in this pickle if I never took up soccer...I would have been better off just going into politics where no one would have noticed!"
Napolitano Tests Full Body Scanner at Super Bowl: Causes Malfunction!
The Obama Pant Suit Posse member insisted on being tested by the new device, and worse, wanted members of the press on hand to witness the event.
Only Fox carried the unbalanced report: "Gross."
NFL Considers Canceling Super Bowl after Kiss of Death!
Advertisers & Fans threaten to pull out after Homeland Security Chief, Janet Napalitano visited the site and after 7 minutes declared "Everything looks good to me!"
Other Life Forms?
Scientists say that extraterrestrial life may have been on earth for a long time or at least since Woody Allen.
We Need Tax Increases
Washington state plans to take rich taxpayers by the feet and shake them until billfold falls out of pants.
More Trouble For Toyota
More trouble for Toyota. Now owners say that 'objects in mirror are farther away than they appear'.
Jessica Simpson's True Identity Revealed
None other than Britain's Cherry Cola.
Toyota says they will repair everyone's Toyota for free, but still blame charlie horse in leg for stuck gas pedals.
Obama Abandons Moon Project
Obama Administration cancels moon program. Instead, set their sites on Iran, here on earth.
Oprah Winfrey to sell 1,000 of her wigs on eBay to raise money for Haiti.
US Senators Want to Pull 9/11 Trial Funds from Budget
"No need for any of that silliness."
Al Qaeda Suicide Falcons cause Concorde disaster in 2010!
Bin Laden trained 2 precious Saudi Falcons to attack Concordes. They were launched in Paris and BOOM, BOOM, downed it. As for titanium strips, FORGET IT!
Not His First Visit To The UK!
The Pope has been invited on the first Papal visit to the UK since 1982. However as a young German bomber pilot, he did fly on a mission over Coventry Cathedral back in 1942.
How low can You Get?
An ATM machine, has been installed just 18 inches off the ground. You have to get on your knees to use it. Handy for churchgoers to collect money on their way to church - they can say a prayer too!
Stem Cell Research Funds Increase
A study shows that stem cells from liposuction fat can be used to increase women's breast size without the use of implants. Scientists require a 30 percent increase in funding for stem cell research.
Jessica Simpson Shopping Spoofers for Love?
Says Top Writers like Skoob give her "ogasisms"
Why Presidents Break Campaign Promises
Promises are hopes, for dopes.
Gates: Fewer Gay Troops to be Fired
Typo; Correction: Gay Troopers may not may not engage while under fire.
Congressional Hearings on "Don't Ask Don't Tell" Over; Spoofers Prevail
If Boss asks if you have been spoofing him, you don't have to tell.
Wayne Rooney declared bankrupt because he earns too much! million
Rooney is being sued because he earns too much he is so upset he's declared himself bankrupt, applied for social support so he can buy nappies for the baby. As for his fortune, it's safe: SWISS BANK?
So That's Why She Wanted To See The Game
Wife at football game with binoculars, "Looks like he's a couple of inches short." "Of a first down?" "No, the naked guy in his apartment across from the stadium."
Female basketball team suspect they had an invisible intruder near their shower. "He seemed to come out of nowhere!" says witness.
Michelle Obama visit still influencing Queen as she appears in public with big foam hand with pointing finger "I'm #1".
What Teens Have To Put Up With
Dad pops up early at Teen party to get his daughter causing her embarrassment. Then his 'Well gag me with a spoon!' leads to suicide attempt.
Whipper Out There!
Burger King and Sea Food Giant combine to both sell their new 'Long John Whopper'!
You're Too Flakey!
Paris Hilton sulks after not being invited back to the Pillsbury Bake-Off after last year's big fire.
Student archeologists told to go back to University after stall Twinkie dug up in Egyptian King's tomb.
Clap On, Clap Off!
US military in Iraq and Afghanistan say they have caused three recent suicide bombers to blow up themselves before reaching their targets by installing "The Clapper' along the roadsides.
Andy Murray Hates Love
Andy Murray has stated that he hates Love after being beaten
three sets to love by Roger Federer
Obama admits that the Baby Boomers will stretch Social Security beyond it's limits but one terrorist act in our penis pills could pull us through.
Drop In Sales
The new Viagra ads by John Edwards not doing so well. "We don't want to turn into a total prick", say most.
Jimminy Cricket Hates Cricket
I'm a grasshopper from LA f'Chrissakes. Why da hell would I like cricket?
Iran not cooperating with UN inspectors again. "If you come here, we will fry you into a kabob!"
Arkansas Moves With The Times
Finally makes wanking in the back of taxis illegal.
Girl's Amazing Escape
'I saw my blood in the water': Teenage girl's amazing escape after fighting off shark with her bodyboard. PETA say they may investigate as blood could have been from shark.
Villagers' anger after couple paint Tudor cottage pink. Couple say they will add purple polka dots if they don't quit complaining.
"Easy, Easy Money"
Police get four hours overtime for just answering a phone call after their shift has ended. "Would you prefer we didn't answer?"' asks Sergeant.
Must Like Her Photo
Tesco shopper, 24, forced to show ID... because she looked 'too young to buy a QUICHE'. ID'd last time for purchasing high caffeine soda.
Democrats votes to render Obama's agenda illegal
"VA Democratic-controlled state Senate passed measures making it illegal to require individuals to purchase health insurance."
Cat called Oscar thought responsible for 50+ deaths in nursing home
Far from predicting the eminent demise of patients, Oscar ensures their rapid passing by farting cyanide gas into the faces of old patients.
Super Bowl Sunday
Soggy start to Super Bowl week. Number of practices, Peyton Manning commercials down.
Just Mispoke 10,000 Times
UN climate chief plays down scandals. Global Warming will not cause the sky to fall!
"Town Ain't Big Enough For The Two Of Us"
Obama pitches aid for struggling small businesses, help Mom & Pop stores to run WalMart out of town.
Beer Conference Replacing Fireside Chats
Obama budget, jobs, another beer-conference plan get early tests on Hill.
Baptists Back To US?
Haiti says Baptists may be tried in US. Expects some politician out to make points to soon show up to help them.
Not Hanging Around To See
Taliban: Terrorist or not? Not always easy to say. Depends upon whether you still have your head about you.
New Communication Breakthrough
Announcement: Better communication on the way. Translation: You'll have to update TV again.
Phil Tops Psychics, Nastradamus
Punxsutawney Phil predicts 6 more weeks of winter, Barack Obama a one-term president.
Toyota Drug Their Feet
Toyota finally providing pedal fix too late to prevent backlash, whiplash.
No Money Here
Somali pirates abandon hijacked Indian dhow and all 525 people aboard.
Gangs On Facebook
Use of Twitter, Facebook rising among gang members. They make you an offer to be 'a friend' that you can't refuse.
12-Year-Old Drops Divorce Proceedings.
Saudi girl, 12, drops push to divorce octogenarian. "Mostly we just play 'doctor' and 'the good little girl".
Parents, Students On Edge
Parents, students on edge over soaring tuition costs. Mostly in the highest buildings they can find.
The Air Force Academy has set aside an outdoor worship area for Pagans, Wiccans, Druids, Frisbeetarians and other Earth-centered believers, school officials said Monday.
Conclusion: Not As Many On Social Security
Healthy adults need less sleep as they age: study by Obama appointed group. "Two hours enough for the old farts."
US terror suspects in Pakistan allege FBI torture. "Made us wear old J Edgar Hoover dresses", says spokesman.
Obama Budget Mysteries
Obama budget, jobs plan get early tests on Hill. "We can get millions back to work at good wages working for the government by borrowing more money from China."
I was PM and invading Iraq was my idea
Tony B Liar has made a new statement today regarding Iraq.
he said "I was PM and invading Iraq was my idea" but this has been disputed by Gordon Brown who said "I am PM and invading Iraq was my idea"
Pope to Visit UK; Hopes to find Recruits
Anglicans to welcome with rotten fruits - and a boot.
Wauchovia Bank Charging Fees to Make Donations to Haiti Relief Funds
They just have to get a bonus on every single event. Next thing they will be looking for ways to cause earthquakes as a profit making enterprise.
Can Spoofer Surge Achieve World Peace?
WE can only hope.
Blair: "I Had No Covert Deal with Bush"
He dropped his drawers and I took orders.
Taking Fish Oil May Help to Ward Off Schizophrenia
People who take it are so busy figuring out whether they are man or fish, they have no time to focus on more than one human personality.
Word Is that Apple is Working on Another Tablet
Oh good grief, Apple, take your bow and leave the stage for a little while!
Burger King Sales Down; Spoof.com Site Traffic Up
Pentagon Says "Supersize my Drone Fleet"
Spoofer Says: Bring Me Some California Pot, quickly.
CIA Buys Stake in Firm that Monitors Blogs, Tweets and Spoofs
Paranoia X 10 Has Finally Reached the Last Bastion of Sanity.
CIA Officers Moonlighting on Wall St.
Corporate Spooks for Wall St. Firms are actually active duty CIA Agents. Rumors are floating that Spoof.com has been infiltrated.
Will O'Bomba's Retirement Fixes Work?
They fixed my retirement wagon to be sure.
Something a little bit weird cometh this way
College Tuition Rate Hikes in Double Digits
Rates for Spoof Degrees also rising.
Inventor Unveils $7k Sex Robot
Says it took 7 years to develop. Critics say using Amy Winehouse for model perhaps not too bright. Robot turns on but owners don't.
$ 900 M Plan to Keep Vancouver Olympics Safe
Including millions in bonuses to bankers in the area.
New Senator's "Hunk Factor" Spoofed
Spoof.com's Mark Lowton denies responsibility
Arenas Expresses Regret in Op-Ed Piece
The 10 paragraph "I'm so Sorry" piece was submitted after 33 edits, 21 re-writes by league, team and agent representatives.
Arenas said his part was writing the words 'I'm so sorry I got caught."
Taylor Swift's Butterfinger's Moment
While attempting to rest the trophy on her chest, it fell as she realized she doesn't have one.
Why the Quest for Prosperity is Dangerous
Those who have the gold also have the biggest guns.
Goldman Sachs CEO Collects $ 100M Bonus
Under the table agreement gives O'Bomba and
Geithner 10% each.
New Chevy Volt is an Electrifying Drive
The econo-box requires holding both ends of the ignition wires while you drive. .
the US Government's Budget Process in Three Easy Steps
1. Steal all you can from citizens
2. Multiply X 10
3. Borrow the difference on the taxpayer's tab and SPEND, SPEND, SPEND!!!
O'Bomba Plans Tax Hike on Wealthy
Top Tier tax rate to increase to fifty cents on every million earned after deductions, credits, write downs, write offs and shelters
NASA Drops Moon Plan; Refocuses Mission
Will now try to establish colony here on earth.
Native Americans Tamed Turkeys in 800 b.c.
Treatise on the process needed by NBA Commissioner unable to tame turkey players.
Napalitano: Security Plan in Place for Super Bowl
The security plan, designed by Blackwater Security has 100 .50 caliber machine guns lining the top of the bowl with 10 Apache Helicopter Gunships circling if strafing is required.
Hethrow Deploys Advanced Body Scanners
Using Star Trek Technology, terror suspects can now be identified and beamed directly to GITMO. Passengers seen laughing at images of Gordon Brown or Tony Blair will be beamed into the Spoof.com site.
Torn Addresses Judge
Rip Torn tells judge that life is but a joke and that his seems to be the one about pete and repeat.
Another One's Gone!
Proctologist loses still another wedding ring and patient calls up to say he forgot to look and flushed.
No One Expects...The Baptists!
Baptists are now more feared around the world than Taliban, Al Qaida and drunken Mel Gibson put together.
They Have Infiltrated Everywhere
Many are wondering if Baptists can get along together long enough to take over US Nuclear Weapons.
President Barack Obama sending brown shirts to round up radical Baptists.
Baptists On The Move
Baptists gathering in bigger and bigger groups since haiti incident, ready to overthrow both Haiti and the Dominican Republic!
Only 60% In 1950's
Local statistics show that today's Hollywood is still 74-75% stuffed assholes!
National watchdog service warn the public against using "Freedom Tickler" condoms at cheap prices. They are at least five years old.
Public warned about fake e-mails supposedly warning you about fake e-mails. They are bugged. (Or they are now)
There Are In-Betweens!
Gays and Lesbians demand a better, brighter assortment of creative terror warning codes.
Taliban Five Stars
The Taliban given five stars in creating terror among plain ordinary citizens by Consumer Guide.
Rumor: President during run for re-election in 2012, may choose 'a smarter idiot' for VP running mate.
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