Spoof news snippets from Thursday 18 February 2010
Risk to Tossers
Tossing pancakes poses more of a health risk than turning them with a spatula, according to the University of Jutland. "It is safer not to be a tosser", advises Professor Jens Convolvulus.
Gas Fume Danger
Gas hobs produce more toxic fumes than electric cookers, according to a study by The University of Jutland. "Gas hobs emit more particles in the breathing zone", claimed Professor Jens Convolvulus.
Butterflies More Nutritious Than Beef - Aussie Jungle Spin Off
Scottish Biofoods Ltd are set to launch a mega nutritious butterfly range of food stuffs including Thorax Pies, Butterfly Caviar, Caterpillar Pud and genetically modified Tartan Butterfly Wing Cakes.
Post BODLM (Barack Obama/Dalai Lama Meeting)
China moves wormhole weaponry to 'enhanced status' - "We will fry the Yankee nuts and serve them with mock liver and macaroni cheese with hot mustard."
Happiness is the best antidote to depression, a study at The University of Whitley Bay reports. "We found an inverse relationship between happiness and depression", said Professor Maude Ross.
Good Health is Key
Being healthy can keep heart disease at bay, a study has found. Researchers at the University of Todmorden discovered that healthy people were significantly less likely to get heart disease.
Posh OKs Zero-Sized Model Girls
Victoria Beckham reckons zero-sized models needn't feel big-style shame. "They've nothing to be ashamed of. Literally", claimed the famous stick insect yesterday.
Bishop Discovered in Roll of Linoleum
Ivor Cilliname, 43, of Pontyllyffsandwyddndrod Wells, got a shock yesterday when he unrolled some old lino. "The Bishop of Gravesend was in there", he said. "I didn't expect him to roll up!"
Fringe To Support Local Talent
Heading this season's Edinburgh Fringe will include local acts from up and coming comediennes Bella and Donna Fitzgerald, Joy "Clubby" Clown and the effervescent Ali Seltzer!
Street's Lesbian - Webster/Powers Storyline - Step Too Far!
After 50 years, ITV is to "pull the plug" on Coronation Street following allegations of the show's writers using their storylines to undermine consecutive UK governments moral stances since the 60's.
BNP Not "Snake Lovers"
The BNP don't like exotic reptiles, it was claimed yesterday by key party activist Nick Gorgon. "We are allowing black members, not mambas", he told reporters at a Ku Klux Klan rally in Eastbourne.
"Not That Kind of Black Member" says BNP Man
BNP leaders don't like to be buggered by black men BNP activist Ronald 'Ron' Ribbentrop insisted yesterday. "We'll admit black party members, not black virile members", the neo Nazi asserted.
Doggy Style To Save Endies?
SFL Montrose are to sign certified soccer coach Snoop Dogg in their fight against relegation into the HFL. Dogg takes up his dogging position in early May. Endie girls are juiced up for his arrival.
Cheryl Cole's Brave Face
Love-rat victim Cheryl Cole put on a brave face as she jetted from Heathrow to Los Angeles yesterday. "She looks much better like that", said a watching idiot; "a bit like Pocahontas in fact."
Tougher Than McGruff
The UN nuclear watchdog, McEnuff, has expressed concern that Iran may currently be trying to develop a nuclear payload for a missile.
Enders Shock To National TV
English soap Eastenders is set to fold after 25 years. The fall in ratings has prompted the BBC to look at serious alternatives including River City, Machair and Echo Beach from BBC Scotland.
OAPs lose their haunted fishtanks
Sylvester Stallone = Veterans Telly Loss
David Cameron is his vassal?
Sylvester Stallone = Tells: "Enslaves Tory"
Pat Robertson in the frame, here
Sylvester Stallone = Rev's Nosy Telltales
Crafty Pay-As-You-Go road bridge worshipped
Sylvester Stallone = Venerates Sly Tolls
Pilgrim Fathers - what a mess!
Sylvester Stallone = Slovenly As Settlers
No trip for Blair!
Sylverster Stallone = Travels Tonelessly
Robert Pattinson = Stop Rotten Brain
Elevated to Lords for services to debauchery?
Robert Pattinson = Tits Porn Baronet
M'Lud's winter warmer?
Robert Pattinson = Baronet's Pint Rot
WHO To Review Status
WHO to review H1N1 pandemic status on Feb 23. "May as well. No one asking us to play anywhere", notes Roger Daltrey.
All that smut does his head in
Robert Pattinson = Brattiest On Porn
Should have worn sandals
Robert Pattinson = Bootstrap Intern
I blame the celibacy!
Robert Pattinson = Abstinent Torpor
Baring it all
Kristen Stewart = New Starkers Tit
New script needed
Kristen Stewart = Tasks Rewritten
Odor Eaters beware
Kristen Stewart = Stinker Swatter
Kristen Stewart = Wasters' Trinket
The Ice Queen?
Kristen Stewart = Starkest Winter
Doherty - Latest Rent Career News
Fallen star, singer song writer Pete Doherty has taken a second job as a legalised rent boy. Doherty starts his collection round for Northumberland County Council in early March.
Royals Relocation Location Unveiled
The Royal Family are quitting the UK for India. In the opposite direction comes the Rama Lama's Ding Dong Call Centre Co. who are setting up their Euro opps at the Palace.
Kristen Stewart = Tankers Twister
Knock Off Wood In New Sex Scandal
The Stones Ronnie Wood is buying a condo in Louisiana so he can marry his 13 year old girlfriend. Wood says "she's 13, she's tight, she's beautiful, mine, my livin' doll." Townshend is set to follow.
2010 Gold Rush Set For Take Off
Scottish tourism is set for a bumper year as more people "stay at home" this summer, attracted by the prospect of becoming very rich from panning for gold in the Rivers Spey, Tay and Awe.
What Are The Odds?
Las Vegas Mayor rejects Obama invitation to White House. Says he smells nationalizing of casinos.
Not That Lucky
Scientists predict that an asteroid recently spotted has a one in 250 chance of hitting the earth. On the plus side, it just could hit Washington DC.
Poorer By The Minute
Republicans in the House of Representatives say that if Obama keeps spending like he is, they'll change name to the Poor House of Representatives.
Arkansas residence say they will quit boarding up windows and doors every time there's a possible tornado watch. Houses have thousands of nail holes.
Just Because We Can
Democrat controlled House kills Republican health overhaul bill, passed one that called for the GOP to change name to "The Goofy Party", 60-40.
New Ticketing System For Britain's Railways
First Class for the rich, Standard Class for the majority and No Class for Politicians
New Harry Potter Film Released
Harry Potter And The Room Full Of Lawyers
Israel Claims Gold In The Shooting
Hit target every time.
Portsmouth FC To Sell Stars
Obviously they need to borrow some money to buy some first.
Akio Toyoda, president of the Toyota Motors Company was scheduled to meet President Obama today but only got to wave as car tore by at over 100 MPH.
McDonalds To Create International McMenu
You've just bought McRocky Mountain Oysters. You want fries with that?
McDonalds To Create International McMenu
McSquid and McSushi expected to outsell Filet of Fish in Japanese locations
McDonalds To Create International McMenu
McPizza will not use thousand island dressing as its special sauce.
McDonalds To Create International McMenu
McCurry to be served in nations where they can't put McBeef on Big Macs.
McDonalds To Create International McMenu
McHaggis is expected to only be popular in the British Isles
Probably Guy Inside Also
Scientists say that an average size meteorite that hit the earth could destroy a Hummer.
"Well, Look Who's Here!"
Patrick Stewart and several of the crew from 'Star Trek, The Next Generation' pay surprise visit to space station, shuttle.
Bush Wanted A Son!
Former President George W. Bush stated today that if he had had a son, he would have liked for him to stay out of politics altogether and maybe become a nuckular physicist!
Friends of Ralph Nader say he has a hard time recalling things of late, totally missing the Toyota & Honda problems. "He's been testing condoms for 2 years, using air pumps", says friend."
Spam In Polynesia
Polynesian women are complaining about getting dozens of spam messages on the internet daily promising to stretch hole in their ears another two inches.
Neither, Thank You
Poll shows that most people approve of smokeless tobacco at least until person can shake the habit. Also, big brown French kiss better than getting your lip burned.
Gore Shows He CAN Move Quickly
Man from the "Common Sense Against Global Warming" group arrested after he delayed Al Gore's speech last night by giving him a hotfoot as he got up to go to the lectern.
UK Fan Martin Shuttlecock breaks down after learning Cheryl Cole is a Deaf Mute!
"tell me it ain't true," moaned the dedicated fan upon learning the Cole Mania /Hysteria was a fantasy cooked up by publisist Max Clifford. Max said the idea was from studying Michelle Obama on TV.
Change In Golden Globes
The latest rumor around Hollywood is that the name of the Golden Globes may be changed to the Mouthy Melons.
New Leader's Orders
Taliban fighters are ordered to fight to the finish against US and Afghan troops or half of their virgins will be taken away.
Goverment Motors (GM) Pledges to Hire Biden after 2012 Election Defeat!
Claims manufactured 'Crash Dummies' costing government 'too much money!'
Obama Bans Ashley and Cheryl from US
The President stated: Read my Fat Lips...there will be no more Coal consumption in the US....look what it did to the UK and the EU. F******g Retards!
Gore Confesses to Affliction Causing Methane Gas Eruptions!
Gas Bag blames it all on addiction to Ethanol, a nubile staffer, and creamed corn.
Welsh Assembly Minister can't organize a 'Piss-up in a brewery'
Jane Hutt, Minister for Budget and Business red faced after being told she didn't have permission to hold a press conference in a business car park
Chinese 'big-stick' knackered
worm-out their worm-hole gun - - - - but China has another one
She's really warm blooded!
Brigitte Bardot = Ribbed Gator Tit
Suspected Heathrow warehouse armed robber goes on the run after vanishing from court. "One minute he was sitting there and the next moment he was gone", says witness Wells.
Brigitte Bardot = Bitter Triad Gob
Blame the Chinese!
Brigitte Bardot = Bitter Triad Bog
Brigitte Bardot = Bit Garotted Rib
Painting Landscapes Tip:
Use green, and plenty of it.
Brigitte Bardot = Abort Bidet Grit
To "WAG" or WAG ?
Come to the dark side: Welsh Assembly Government
Just think of it
a Wales actually governed well
If you can think straight or are a 'straight shooter'
there's no job for you in the Welsh Assembly.
Brigitte Bardot = Battier Gob Dirt
There are lies, damned lies and the Welsh Assembly Government
"We are delivering maximum front line benefits to the Welsh population".
A massive leap ... backwards
Discovers "God Particle" - a freeze dried particle of Glucose OxiDase
Brigitte Bardot = Brad Titbit Ogre
Welsh Assembly Government
delivers lowest Welsh economy since Welsh words were discovered
Brigitte Bardot = Rabid Gob Titter
David Cameron in 'dart incident'
dart bounced back to hit him in the groan. Fears that he has lost his manhood to a game of darts.
Tracey Emin's Latest Piece A Turn Off For Art Lovers
'Dysentry Stricken Somalian's Blocked Toilet' not as popular as was hoped. No bids yet.
Brigitte Bardot = Rabid Got Bitter
"Duke of York" downs 50 Tequilas
in 50 minutes in 50 ways to celeb his 50th birthday
Are You Tough Enough?
Latest fad among English gangs is going to the pub for dart catching.
Blame it on Federer?
Brigitte Bardot = Roger Bad Titbit
"It's a Recession you Idiot"
as opposed to "It's the economy you Idiot" or "its jobs jobs jobs u numbskull"
Court Taking The Word Of A Mouse?
£70,000 benefits cheats snared when investigators find holiday snaps of them posing with Mickey Mouse. Mickey agrees to testify.
Brigitte Bardot = Rabbit Gored Tit
UK Recession - double dip, triple whammy ...
let's just call it a 'bouncing ball'
UK government caught cloning Welsh 'passports'
Fake rugby tickets
Brigite Bardot = Rabbi God Titter
Brigitte Bardot = Rabbi Toted Grit
First Class Ass
'People in standard class are totally different': Veteran Tory Sir Nicholas Winterton on why MPs should be able to travel first class. They belong on the arse end of the plane.
Welsh Technology promoted by International Business Wales
Ultra-sound scanners the size of a 'British' minicar
Conservative Party Policy
Champagne, caviar, balloons, party poppers, amyl nitrate.
"Scientists develop new plastic made from sugar that breaks down very fast"
only to discover that Toyota already invented it
Brigitte Bardot = Trio Grabbed Tit
What Women Want
What women want in 2010: A husband who'll breed her. I'm sorry, that should "be the main breadwinner!"
Sex World Cup Result
Masochist beaten into second place.
Ain't nothin but a hound dog!
Miley Cyrus = Ye Slimy Cur
"Fat Little Girl"
Mother's fury as nanny state brands her healthy daughter, 5, 'fat and at risk of heart disease'. "I'll give someone a fat lip if they come here."
Miley Cyrus = Sue My Lyrics
US bank lending falls at fastest rate in history
So Obama's stimulus package is working 'just dandy'
Guy travelling at 190mph on his motorbike
dies in freak accident
World's Oldest Paperboy A Lazy Bastard
"He missed our house out one day in 1963," grumbles disgruntled customer.
Dog Survives 300 Foot Cliff Fall
Thought for a minute it was really a lemming.
"Kabuki Play" or are 'We are going to let your ass fry' ?
'EU refuses to reveal details of how it might help Greece raise €30bn (£26bn)'
Gay Man Wins Holiday Under Canvas
Apparently he really enjoys camping it up.
Gordon Brown would like you to believe his government is doing a swanky job
"Britain posts first deficit for January since records began."
Sumo Wrestler Jailed
"Pie shop raid was premeditated," says prosecutor.
'That's Greece for you'
Scars Finally Healed
Tiger Woods to end months of silence on Friday, won't even take his Beano that morning.
Humana Cuts 2500 Positions
Health insurer Humana plans to cut 2,500 positions. Point out they still approve of over 1,000 in Kuma Sartra.
Witness Claimed He'd Warned Of Accident
"The accident was just an accident waiting to happen," he said.
Old King Cole.....
Was a merry old soul and he text to his fiddlers three "I'm in the room next to J.T. so keep it quiet and don't tell my wife"
Bad Sleeping Habits
Clinton: Lack of sleep added to health problem, sleeping beside icicle has kept him awake for hours.
UK To Standardise Weather Reports To A Single Word
Lack Of Sleep
Clinton: Lack of sleep added to health problem. Doctors blame unfamiliar beds.
X Files Made Public
Many people report spotting X's
Admits Using Misleading Data?
APNewsBreak: Top UN climate official resigns right after his "Is It Hot In Here Or Is It Me Making It All Up?" speech.
Astronauts Favored By Obama Call
Astronauts take call from admiring President Obama, as President watches himself in the mirror while talking to astronauts on shuttle.
Fewer airline crashes in 2009, but more deaths as one Indian plane with 2200 passengers never got off the ground.
Tiger Woods Apology - The Full Transcript
Some Go Unnoticed Until Reminded To Buckle Up!
Fewer airline crashes in 2009, but more deaths as over 1,000 die of old age while waiting for plane to take off.
Peter Kay And Liam Gallagher In Furious Twitter Exchange
"Knob head" "Fat bastard" "Knob head" "Fat bastard" "Knob head" "Fat bastard" "Knob head" "Fat bastard" etc.
Bewildered 96 Year Old Finds New Home
Signs up as a writer for TheSpoof.com
Another Virus Outbreak
Virus has breached 75,000 computers: study. Public urged to bring in laptops for anti virus shots.
Israeli's Issue Statement Over Dubai Hit
"It is raining right now in London," says ambassador.
Watch For Virus
Virus has breached 75,000 computers: study shows nyah. Nyah! Nyah! poot poot poot poot!
Mardi Gras closes in style as most party goers go home naked and drunk.
No Thanks Required
Study: Happiness makes for a healthy heart and readers of TheSpoof may live to be 100.
Which Came First?
Harry Potter' author hit with plagiarism lawsuit from writer of 'Hairy Pooter' stories in Mad Magazine.
"Check The Litter Box, Cheech!"
Cops: Imitation pot as bad as the real thing. If synthetic compound chemically similar to THC used, you can get high from smoking a cat turd, say officers.
Cops: Imitation pot as bad as the real thing. Or as good, according to how you look at it.
Cops: Imitation pot as bad as the real thing, as smokers reach imitation highs off smoking in pipes.
Whalers/Activists Clash Again
Whalers, activists clash again in Antarctic waters. Both say they're having a whale of a time.
US Investigates Corolla
AP source: US govt to investigate Toyota Corolla. Orders Government Motors to take Japanese Built models apart and see where the technology...that is, trouble is coming from.
Obama Meets Lama
The Dalai Lama's meeting with President Barack Obama will be more about style than substance. "Why not place health care on two stone tablets & carry to speeches?"
Lama Meets Obama
The Dalai Lama's meeting with President Barack Obama will be more about style than substance. "With nose into air all the time, you should wear robe", states Dalai Lama.
Clinton Divorce Said to be Looming!
Bill claims irreconcilable differences: "She Couldn't Stand my Cigar!"
Ralph Nader Publishes New Unauthorized Biography on Joe Biden
"Unsafe at Any Speed II" is set to go on sale Friday following appearances on Oprah, Larry King, "Pinks", "Pimp my Ride" "CSI Washington" and The Speed Channel.
Danica Patrick Meets Joe Biden at White House
The two were said to have a lot in common having survived several high speed crashes in recent months. Both compared their choices of racingfloor mats,
and decided to drive barefoot from now on.
Mod UFO records released can chocolate fly
MOD UFO records that have been released tell of a UFO shaped like a toblerone but others say chocolate can't fly it was more likely to be an AEROPLANE
"British Government Climate change department sends staff on hundreds of domestic flights"
"Can't make this stuff up!"
Al Gore - muppet
wants to join Slithering House in Harry Potter's Hogwarts. His mother supports the move, "My son is feeling very sheepish following record snowdumps - 'snowmania' has got to him."
Obama's meeting with the Dalai Lama has China "pissed"
China warns of "serious damage" - meaning: we are going to zonk you arrogant yankees with our 'big-stick' weapon: our worm-hole generator gun. "Just you see."
"E,LO" nothing to do with
Denise Van Outen pregnant with Charlotte Church is replaced by LOST impersonator of recently deceased John Lock, 'black smoke' or 'the monster'. Confused? So r most LOST fans.
Conservative MP concludes: Obama is One Crazy Mutha!
Politicians in the United Kingdom have completed a four-month study of American President Barak Obama. A Conservative MP speaking on behalf of the House of Lords today said, "Damn! That Mutha CRAZY!"
"So what's new?"
"Another Japanese Car Recall - Another Guardian"
President Obama Grounded
Washington sources close to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi have said that she blames the Obama's Lack of Cooperation for the sluggish economy. The President will therefore be grounded. No more TV.
A Woman in love with her ass?
Apparently she has earned critical acclaim in "A Midsummer Night's Dream" - if she stars in "A Dream in Deepest Darkest Midwinter" would her love 'deviate' to another part of her very fine anatomy?
'Catch 22 Upgrade'
Not Just Highlights From Staff
After retirement, Oprah says she plans to finally read all those super books she has been recommending to her audiences.
The Kirstie Plan
After retirement, Oprah says she plans hibernate for three months and then eat 5,000 calories a day the other nine months.
Oprah On The Move
After retirement, Oprah says she plans to go shopping for a small, insignificant country to purchase, rule.
Oprah Has Plans
After retirement, Oprah says she plans to call in all her psychics, healers, etc. to try to bring Michael Jackson back.
"And I Have No Sense of Time"
Friends beginning to worry about Michael Jackson's doctor after he admitted that he may have treated Bubbles by mistake.
Consumer Product Safety Commission Bans Sharp Knives
CPSC bans sharp knives as Democratic far left loony liberals are afraid Americans will hurt themselves! Citizens over 21 years old may use only plastic knives. Japanese cutlery industry collapses.
EPA Bans Water
EPA bans humans from drinking water, animal rights groups are granted an exception for four legged critters. Scotch, Rye, Gin, Vodka & Bourbon distillers are ecstatic, law enforcement not so ecstatic!
EPA vs Mother-in -Laws
The American public votes the EPA as being the biggest pain in the arse, exceeding Mother-in-Laws!
Termites to be put on Endangered Species List
Environmental groups ask the EPA to put termites on ESL. Housing/construction industry switches from wood to steel construction materials. Environmental groups ask EPA to put Iron ore on the ESL.
Winter Olympics 2014
Rosie O'Donnell announced she will enter the one person Luge competition, only using the extreme left side of the course. IOC officials say "only if she puts a sock in it!"
Interesting Sport Idea
IOC has tentatively stated couples figure skating/ice dancing for the 2014 winter Olympics will be held in the nude. Safety concerns have been raised, particularly performing overhead maneuvers!
EPA Bans Iran's Supreme Leader
Iran's Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei accused the USA of "war-mongering!" EPA has banned the supreme leader for spilling raw sewage, caused by the Iranian leader drinking his own bath water.
EPA issues New Warning Labels
New warning labels that state "Do Not Eat" have been issued by the EPA. These warnings are for placement on yellow snow in the state of Alaska.
Manned Moon Landings to Continue
President Obama changes his mind, allows only manned moon and planet landings to continue. Personnel will be drawn from the EPA until they are all used up!
Independents for smaller government & fiscal responsibility are leery of GOP rhetoric! Obama's agenda could be replaced by an agenda of anti abortion, anti Gay rights & anti Gays in the military.
The Nut Case Cries
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is now crying that Israel is going to attack Iran! This from a nut case who has been threatening to wipe Israel off the map and is a person in dire need of a Cranialrectolectomy!
Tricorns "Old Hat"
by Ollie Aginous The three-cornered "tricorn" hats once favoured by men-about-town like Lord Nelson are a thing of the past. If they come back I'll eat Isambard Kingdom Brunel's hat.
Spats "Won't Reassert Themselves"
Fashion expert Millicent Drawbacke said yesterday "spats are no longer a man's best friend. Ankles and spats are no longer bosom pals. Times change."
Pays 75% Of Nation's Economy
Nigerians celebrate the sending out of the one millionth offer to hold your inheritance money until you send $500 holding fee.
Snoods "Unlikely to Return"
Snoods - long out of fashion favour - won't be coming back in a hurry, claims an expert. Jervis Pountyman, an expert, reckons that "few snoods will be on view this Spring."
Chine Lauch Peace Initiative
Chinese agree to put first Tibetan into space, if the Dalai Lama will only volunteer.
He's On The List
Afghanistan, Iraq agree on mutual hatred of the United States. Getting these two together could win Obama another Nobel Peace Prize.
Shrove Tuesday Has Lost Its Meaning
'Shrove Tuesday has lost much of its significance', writes Mrs Multiple of Offa's Dyke. 'Nobody uses shroves any more. They've gone the way of pease pudding. Everybody uses pancakes these days.'
Four New Members
Refrigerator Perry, Babe Ruth, Booby Jenks, John Madden voted into the Sports Hall Of Fat!
Bogus Ballybutton Bishop Cummerbund Case Unique
The case of the bogus Bishop of Ballybutton, accused of stealing his own cummerbund, is "quite unique. Not since a Pretend Eskimo dismantled his own igloo have we seen the like", said an Eskimo today.
Ballybutton "Bishop" Bogus, Has No Cummerbund
"Ballybutton is not a real place, neither has it a Bishop. Furthermore, this non-existent Bishop is not Mick Flanagan and has no cummerbund", said the Bishop.
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