Spoof news snippets from Monday 15 February 2010
Scientist: Discovery that modern man ate the Neanderthals not all that different when you consider who's sending who to war and who is actually fighting it.
Amish community in Pennsylvania split over whether to use segways or not.
State Dept. Warning
State Department issues danger warning to Americans overseas.
"Don't come back and tell our president what other leaders really think about him."
Thieves Hurt By Economy Too
Identity thieves complain of low grade identities that not worth impersonating as many have already maxed out credit cards.
Obama's New Rules
President Obama reduces treatment at Guantanamo from slap on the wrist to a wagging of the finger combined with a stern look!
Scientists have finally found out what is wrong with men. The problem lies in the two halves of their brains - The left half has nothing right in it. And the right half has nothing left in it!
Get This Shit Settled
Both shit and fan given three days in jail to cool off after police answer 911 call by fan, saying shit had deliberately hit him.
Bavarian Illuminati = A Vital Labia Mini Run
No Spider Holes Here
Iran says that it is working on a special No Fly Zone, that there will be no more 'photos' of nuclear activity. Half- starved spiders seen leaving the area.
Stand-up piss poseur?
Bavarian Illuminati = Am Vain Tibial Urinal
Bavarian Illuminati = A Lunar Vitamin Alibi
Shrinks confident of new symptoms
Bavarian Illuminati = Nail A Bulimia Variant
A rival to Snopes has appeared on the internet that reveals the truth about old wives tales, etc. Snopes itself says that this new "What's Up?" is a fake.
Newly diagnosed form of cyber-psychosis?
Bavarian Illuminati = A Virtual Blini Mania
Brave little internment
Bavarian Illuminati = A Valiant Mini Burial
Not so enlightened about Vitamin B6 deficiency
Bavarian Illuminati = A Labial Vitamin Ruin
Palatial by any calculation
Trafalgar Square = A Far Larger Squat
Carress your own source
Tower of London = Fondle Own Root
Chinese dumpling dealt a blow
Tower of London = Floored Wonton
Blame the San Andreas Fault for this one!
Katie Holmes = I Shake Motel
Land of Milk And Honey?
Katie Holmes = Hot Milk Ease
Arabian desert hostelry?
Katie Holmes = A Sheik Motel
Canonized by Scientology?
Katie Holmes = Make Holiest
Katie Holmes = Hole Mistake
Mrs Cruise detests Michael
Katie Holmes = Loathes Mike
Chelsea FC owner's alternative destinies?
Roman Abramovich = Barman/Vicar/Homo
Is it a blue tit?
Abel Rodriguez = Ogle Azure Bird
Keen on a whole heap of shit
Abel Rodriguez = Big Ordure Zeal
As in Lounge Lizard
Abel Rdrigiuez = Be Rogue Lizard
Spoofer urged to stun the furry little bastard
Abel Rodriguez = Daze Our Gerbil
Snacked persistently on Russian currency?
Abel Rodrigiez = I Grazed Rouble
Like a sugared camembert cheese?
Abel Rodriguez = Our Glazed Brie
Narcolepsy from looking at too many horrid brassieres
Abel Rpodrigiuez = Uglier Bra Doze
Spoofer warns about beastly pride
Abel Rodriguez = Lurid Zebra Ego
Obama: "My administration has every intention of stopping Iran acquire big nukes - small nukes are OK".
Spoofer favors American Idol diversity
Abel Rodriguez = Zebra Idol Urge
Spoofer keen on new source of biofuels
Abel Rodriguez = Urged Zebra Oil
Spoofer's flying instructions
Abel Rodriguez = Glide Our Zebra
Pistols at dawn with some fetid troll?
Abel Rodriguez = Go Bizarre Duel
Now about that sordid garden pavillion of yours......
Abel Rodriguez = Re: Lurid Gazebo
No hair extensions on this Spoofer, it's all his own locks
Abel Rodriguez = Zero Glue Braid
Spoofer in favor of zit pop
Abel Rodriguez = Urged Boil Raze
Close shave for top Spoofer
Abel Rodriguez = Beguiled Razor
No guessing which half of the Brangelina Dream Ticket this Spoofer likes to talk up!
Abel Rodriguez = Brad Eulogizer
Fun In The Wastelands
Favorite joke of Osama bin Laden's fighters is to see a drone just outside someone's walled up cave. "Hey Aminon, Someone at the door to see you. hee hee hee"
Friends of Ralph Nader fear for his health as he has a hard time recalling things of late, totally missing the Toyota stuck gas pedal, even when someone drove him home screaming into the phone.
New Smart Drones
New U.S. Smart Drone knocks on front door of victim and then flies behind the house to catch him running out the back door.
Back To Square One
Leading evolutionists disappointed as idiot found wandering Mojave Desert naked and playing with himself, turns out to be the Missing Kink.
Blaine Really Good
David Blaine amazes Good Morning America by drawing chalk outline of body on sidewalk Friday and this morning, jumper was lying in it.
"Iranian sanctions with teeth"
Vodaphone Launch World's Cheapest Phone'
Less than £10 will buy you the 'World's Cheapest Phone' from Vodaphone. However, the calls will still cost 14p/minute or 25,000 Zimbabwe dollars.
Bill & Bed Bugs
Former President Clinton once again has had to clear out of his office for a few days because it's infested with bed bugs.
Pest Control people advise him to remove bed from his office.
Unification Church promotes mixed marital arts to lure young men. I'm sorry, that should be, "mixed martial arts".
Scotsman Bares all on Live TV
Police have identified a Scottish rugby fan who exposed himself on live BBC TV at the weekend as one of the McDonald clan as he had 2 1/4 pounders!
"What The Hey?"
Somali minister survives massive bombing. Water balloons still falling from top of building.
"I AM AN ASS" On Buttocks
Ireland's Roman Catholic bishops are holding a meeting with Pope Benedict XVI at the Vatican to discuss their response to child sex abuse scandal. "Bring the branding iron & depants the lot for me."
Spotted Earth-Like Planet Is Earth
All theories of the universe have to be rethought as Hubble Telescope sees itself, earth, in giant shiny mirrored solar system.
Jung Is Ill Alright
Kim Jung Il of North Korea swaps enriched uranium for set of 3D glasses!
Can You Hear Me Now?
Justice Department wanting to know where all cellphones are located out of luck. Many in city dumps and landfills as they play music of & on all day and night.
900% UK increase in mobile phone retrieval from the anuses of celebrities and sportsmen.
Dollar Falls Below Fictional Monetary Units
US dollar falls below the Shangri La lampoon, Atlantis alm!
Haitian Locals Pitch In
Zombies worked hard in Haiti says American physician who flew there with a group. Those guys are strong.
Woods Sends Message
Tiger Woods finally has sent word to the PGA that he will not appear back on tour until Big Bertha know on his forehead goes down.
Cheney Approves Obama Move
Former Vice President Dick Cheney says Obama did right by sending in more troops to Afghanistan. "Another cakewalk!', says the Dickster.
Under Al Gore's Influence
President Barack Obama appoints Ralph Nader as new ambassador to Haiti.
Spring Just Around The Corner
Forget snow! Baseball players already showing up for early steroid shots.
Anyody In Washington Pay Taxes?
Apparently the plan by Washington is to help the economy by allowing congressmen to not pay taxes, as twelfth appointee turns down post.
Gang Of Porkers
Scientists studies now believe the Swine Flu was started by congress putting too much pork into bills.
Hard times for the economy even in the church as pastors report an average of six rat's asses in every donation plate passed.
Congressmen set example with donating blood to the Red Cross as they bring in turnips to squeeze.
To Appear Daily
CNN, ABC, NBC and CBS sign a new three year contract with Obama Administration!
A 60-year-old Australian grandmother beat off a shark despite loosing 3 pints of blood. At the same time a 70-year-old grandmother in Liverpool beat up a loan shark despite losing 2 pints of stout.
Victim Pulled To Safety
Haiti victim pulled to safety pissed over hearing that the Colts lost the Super Bowl, attempts to crawl back under rubble.
Hard To Ski On Rocks
Too warm, no snow, Vancouver may cause Olympics to move to southern US.
Smokers Only The Beginning
Firms that refuse to hire smokers say fat people may be next, then political party.
Death & Taxes
Labour accused of planning 'secret 10% death tax' in new row over elderly care. "They won't know anything about it", say politicians.
One in three public sector bosses to cut staff, farts, from eating so much beans-on-toast.
New Alcohol Warning
Alcoholic drinks to carry health warnings under plan to stop binge drinking: "Too much of this good stuff will make you puke".
Walk Don't Crawl!
The six-month-old baby who learned to walk before he could crawl, now juggling toys while riding unicycle.
With A Snarl
Gordon Brown urged to press on with 'masochism' strategy despite 'excruciating' TV interview, calling most reporters "Punk".
Mid-Atlantic terror scare forces BA jet to return to Heathrow after circling New York Airport. Passengers unhappy.
Met Office warns Britain to brace itself for more heavy snow, burned to the ground.
Golf Game Over
Some dude named Dustin Johnson survives to win at Pebble Beach. Meanwhile Tiger nowhere about.
Sick Of Swine Flu News
CDC: Swine flu made 57 million Americans ill, 24 million from being sick of hearing about it.
Anit-Whaler Boards Japanese Boat
Whaling protester secretly boards Japanese boat, corks the ends of harpoons.
49 Of 50 States Have Snow
49 states dusted with snow; Hawaii's the holdout. Weather Channel pays Hillary to go there.
Just Some Premiums Increasing
A rate hike for the few, until it's you! But insurance company says it's only increasing rates at houses near flood, landslide, wildfire, earthquake, tsunami, flooding area.
Toyota studies electronics again, trip undecided for Toyota president after car crashes at 110MPH.
Crowd Furnished With Rotten Tomatoes
Administration 'flexible' on 9/11 trial venue. Could hold it at Yankee Stadium to allow for crowds.
Brees Breezing Along
Brees leads major New Orleans Carnival parade. Peyton Manning forced to carry Chinese dragon's tail at end of parade.
Always A Kid Crying There
Police: Man stabs, kills estranged wife at Walmart. Claims constant crying kids drove him temporarily insane.
Real Trouble Now
Suspected US missile strike kills the last three whooping cranes!
Vice Presidents Disagree
Biden and Cheney spar over anti-terrorism policies, color of curtains in Obama's bedroom at White House, Ne Orleans Super Bowl win, number of angels on the head of a pin.
"She Taught Me To Shoot"
Cheney mum on supporting Palin in next election. "I support her all the way", says former VP's 110-year-old mum.
East Edges West
Record crowd sees East edge West in All-Star game. East now to meet Globetrotters in Championship.
Out Of Balance
Kevin Smith oversized? ejected from flight. "Would tilt plane to one side unless he sat in the aisle", says company rep.
Smith Turned Away
Kevin Smith oversized? ejected from flight. Ass too big to get through door on plane.
Clinton: Iran is becoming a military dictatorship. Cheney: What do you mean, 'Becoming'?
Kia Cars to Be Recalled
Car manufacturer,Kia, have recalled over 2 million cars amidst fears that something will go wrong. Nothing is wrong, BUT it is highly unusual behaviour for the car.
The French Team Coach Is Very Upset
The coach of the French Olympics team is highly upset because someone forgot all of their country's white flags.
Australian Ice Hockey Player Sent Home
One of the members of the Australian Olympic ice hockey team was disqualified because he refused to get rid of his pet kangaroo.
The Kenyan's Ain't Comin'
The government of Kenya announced that the reason that they will not be sending an Olympic team to Vancouver is due to the fact that too many of the team members have recently been bitten by lions.
Those Nutty Brazilians
The Brazilian Olympics team was severely reprimanded when it was learned that some of the players were selling counterfeit Brazil Nuts.
The Interesting German Female Ice Skater's Pubic Region
Germany's Olympic figure skater who shaved her pubic region to resemble a swastika was told to shave it immediately or be suspended.
"Pssssst, Wanna Buy Some Chop Sticks?"
One of the Chinese Olympic team members was suspended for 48 hours due to reports that he was price gouging. He reportedly sold some chop sticks to some Canadian fans for $22 per pair.
Where Are The Costa Ricans?
The Costa Rican Olympic team will not be participating in the Winter Olympics in Vancouver because of the dreaded Banana Seed Flu which has reached epidemic proportions back in Costa Rica.
"Is That A Burger I Smell?"
The coach of the team Indian Olympics team has suspended two players after he caught them eating hamburgers in the bathroom.
The Olympic Colombian Team Member's White Powder
Police in Vancouver stated that the suspicious white-looking sugar powder found in the suitcase of one of Columbia's snowboarders was actually sugar and not cocaine as authorities first believed.
The Virgin Islands: It's Just A Name Right?
The Virgin Islands has stated that the reason they did not send a team to Vancouver is because four years ago when they participated in in Turin, a lot of the fans made fun of the name Virgin Islands.
Minnie Driver turns up at childrens play centre in Glasgow
Minnie driver turned up at a childrens play centre in Glasgow.
No it was not a car driver it was the actress Minnie Driver
who is currently filming in Glasgow and she turned up with her son
'Like water off a ducks back'
Obama launches diplomatic offensive against Iran.
Scientists discover how to look smarter
In a groundbreaking new study, scientists have discovered that sitting in laboratories surrounded by science stuff making noises and flashing lights makes them look smarter
Olympian Places 36th, Awarded Cardboard Medal
Olympian at the Winter Games placed 36th and was awarded a cardboard medal. Noted the athlete, "Well it's not as nice as the laminated cardboard medal that the 35th finisher got, but I'm still happy."
Lead in older toys alter the brains of baby boys making them "more feminine", say US researchers, after study of why balls haven't dropped into scrotum.
Gas Prices Up Again
The price of greenhouse gases continue to climb monthly.
Cash Your Gourdes?
The Haitian gourde has fallen to that of the American dollar!
Nothing To Worry Over
Barnanke says economy is fine. "But, could you advance me a few bucks till payday?"
Women Doing Laundry Given Advice
Environmentalists advise women to save water by washing their husband's clothes at a running brook, employing a flat rock. Feminist groups turn green!
Thomas Jefferson Smiled
Senator Obama's 66,882,232 Democrats had more voting power than Republican Senator McCain's 58,343,671 voters? We will never know if a smiling Thomas Jefferson agreed or disagreed with the decision.
Have you ever noticed that every so called public service group that gets taxpayer funding tells Congress their special interest legislation doesn't go far enough and is underfunded!
President Obama Passes Physical Examination
President Obama passed his yearly physical examination with flying colors. The only thing the president was told to watch was the ACORNs on his feet!
VP Biden's Statements Defended by Democrats
A Democratic Party spokesman said that VP Biden's statements should not be called moronic, but more-off-ic!
The Water's Edge
Politics is supposed to stop at the water's edge, relative to US foreign policy & homeland security. Fools in Washington DC think this means swimming naked in the reflecting Pool on the National Mall!
Supply and Demand
Using tax money to stimulate small business's to hire people when there is no increase in demand for a product or service is like GM selling cars for less than the manufacturing cost!
Have you ever noticed that when US obesity is mentioned the rabid Vegans, Tofu lovers, anti-meat people, food police and food fascists come out of the woodwork!
Couch Liberals a New Threat
Couch liberals identified as a bigger health risk to the USA economy than couch potatoes. Coach potatoes are full of potato chips, whereas couch liberals are full of spending other people's tax money.
Kids Kept Forgetting Burial Spot
Mattel says final holiday sales stats in and their new "Bury Me Jacko Dolls" did not sell well at all!
Yellowstone facing overpopulation of snowmobilers to have their first muzzle loaders and bow & arrow seasons. "I got MY license", says former VP Cheney.
Breakthrough in penis enlargement technology. Doctors warn American wives to prepare for the wurst.
Boomers Getting More Bold
Either you cut our taxes 50% or we vote every single one of you out of office and move in all boomers!
Obama (prior to election): "We will do things different from the Bush Administration"
Biden (Today): "We are doing the exact same thing as the Bush Administration"
We Have Backup!
US warns Iran that if it doesn't stop developing nuclear weapons, we will use our "Coalition of the Extremely Reluctant" to attack them.
Good News Finally
United States invents small nuclear weapon that will fit on an unmanned drone, for peaceful purposes. (Attack Us & We Release 1,000 Of These Babies!)
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